He wants to name the baby after his dead girlfriend

[Whambamthankyoumam111]

Hi. New to this. Just wanted thoughts on this. My partner and I are expecting our first baby soon and coming up with baby names. Tonight out of the blue he suggested a name which I know is the name of his girlfriend who died years ago. A woman he has put on a pedestal since. I was not happy and he tried to diffuse the situation saying that it was just a nice name.
I am super mad about the fact that he would even suggest it. Am I overreacting?

The pedestal issue and him suggesting naming your baby after her is unhealthy. Very much so. I’d be pissed at the suggestion too.

I’d be worried about his EQ of zero

No. Stupid suggestion.

Fine to not want the name. Not fine to show zero compassion and understanding about why he might want it. She isn't an ex. She's a late partner. Totally different.

Do you honestly think suggesting naming a brand new baby with his partner, after a girlfriend that died, who he now has up on some sort of pedestal, is remotely healthy?

Why do you think he might want it?

I'm really interested in the answer to that question. Because if it is to memorialise a late partner through your baby with a new partner, that really isn't a great answer is it? Not sure why the mother of the baby should have some compassion and understanding as to why her partner wants to name their baby after a woman only he had a romantic relationship with.

Where?

You could say that will work if you have my name as the middle name to also remind you of your ex?

Hahahhahahha quite!

My dad's first wife died before he met my mum. It I'd been named after his first wife I'd find it really disconcerting

I wouldn’t like it either OP and I don’t think my husband would let us name a son after my boyfriend who died when we were teens either. Not petty but names are personal things. Different naming after a relative but not an old Romance.

Christ, it was a suggestion, not a demand. You say no, you move past it, you pick something else.

Why the need for drama?

His deceased partner isn’t “baggage”.

As I said earlier, dating someone who has been widowed isn’t always easy and it isn’t for everyone, but if you’re going to do it, it’s important to get grief-literate.

My DP was helping me clear out my old house and we discovered a big felt map I’d made with DH — it was of London, with all the places we’d gone to marked with a pin. I said I didn’t know what to do with it – that it felt too sad to put it up and have it stay static forever, but also that I loved the memories and they were mine, that’d I’d loved marking all those places. DP thought for a moment and then said that I should put it back up in my new place, leave the pins as they are, and then start marking the places he and I go together, and that I go with DD, with a different colour of pin. That’s grief literacy. He understands that my history with DH will always be a part of me, and therefore a part of my relationship with him. And he’s not threatened by that. He has no need to be. I can love him at the same time as loving DH.

OP’s partner wants to honour his late partner in a way that wouldn’t be my preference, and more importantly isn’t something OP finds acceptable. She absolutely can and should say no and he should abide by her wishes. But it would be better for her to do so with compassion and understanding of what it is to be bereaved of your romantic partner and how it’s entirely different to splitting up with someone.

The pedestal thing is being made too much of I think. Or at least to what effect that has.

If he is always doing things like and engaging in unhealthy behaviour regarding this woman, then she wouldn’t be in a serious relationship and having his baby. It clearly didn’t really bother her before.

I don’t see an issue. I wouldn’t feel threatened by her memory. I think it’s fine to say no. The absolute outrage from some posters is over the top imo.

He suggested it. It was a no. That’s it.

If her memory is causing so many problems in the relationship, that’s the issue. Needs dealing with one way or another

That’s so lovely. It’s made me tear up.

I am so happy you found someone so understanding

I wouldn't be keen on it.

My brother has a tattoo with his late wife's name right across his chest. It's huge. I wonder how his current fiance copes with that.

Coming out with a name is hardly a fixation for goodness sake. Be a typical man out the name came without thinking probably

@Whambamthankyoumam111 q
Should he not think that it is a lovely name that at one time belonged to a lovely person? If you feel that you are competing with a dead woman, that is s competition that you will never. She will be forever young and vibrant in his memory. Most people tend to remember the best times spent with the dead loved one and overlook their faults or failings, that is normal.

If you are a strong woman, you can be aware of all of that and have a good relationship still. She had the name, but she did not own the name. Maybe giving his child that name (but it would have to be a particularly lovely name) is a way for him to honor the memory and at the same time exorcise the ghost.

Is it a name that a little girl would like to have?

If you don't want to consider that name , that is ok as well. In your place , what I would not want to do is come across as someone who is jealous of a dead woman. That won't be a good look .

Talk to him about your feelings, but also listen to his feelings. Remember, his feelings matter as much as your feelings.

Maybe you can compromise by using that name as a middle name. Not many kids are addressed by their middle name.

One of my favourite boy names is my brothers name but a different spelling. I would never suggest it as it is the name of an ex and my dh wouldn’t like it. He has apologised so I’d let it go. He probably does think it’s a nice name but unfortunately that’s probably because he has fond memories of her.

Of course it's omg, everytime it's like he's always thinking of his ex rather than you. @Whambamthankyoumam111

He hasn't apologised

He suggested the name, apparently just because 'it's a nice name'. Seems a bit disingenuous.

OP in what way does he put her on a pedestal? Does he ever make you feel second best?

Some of the pp have left me thinking, it's easy to be philosophical and understanding of the situation if it's not your situation to deal with.

The only competition going on is in your head, I say this kindly. Personally, I don’t think that there was anything wrong with the suggestion. Saying no was fine but it’s quite inappropriate for you to get angry over it because no one goes through a bereavement and then just forgets the person. He has a past and it’s not wrong for him to acknowledge he loved a person that died or think about that person periodically and positively. That is just natural and it doesn’t mean that he loves you less. That is something that you are going to have to be comfortable with.

It is natural for grief to crop up when people go through big life events. He can’t help that and having a go just means that he won’t talk to you about it or will try to suppress it and it won’t be processed. That will just make the pedestal worse.

Hard no, from me. I would never name a child after an ex - bloody insensitive and down right rude.

Yeah not really the best idea in the world but to be overdramatic about is not needed either a simple no would have been enough