He wants to name the baby after his dead girlfriend

[Whambamthankyoumam111]

Hi. New to this. Just wanted thoughts on this. My partner and I are expecting our first baby soon and coming up with baby names. Tonight out of the blue he suggested a name which I know is the name of his girlfriend who died years ago. A woman he has put on a pedestal since. I was not happy and he tried to diffuse the situation saying that it was just a nice name.
I am super mad about the fact that he would even suggest it. Am I overreacting?

Of course it’s bound to be annoying and stir up feelings for you, for him it may just be he likes the name so I’d let this go now. You could simply agree to find a distinct name and avoid one with close connections including things like the same name as your mate’s kids etc. With the exception for reusing a family tree name from their blood line.

How do you know that?

" super mad!!" - you are being ridiculous. I might be a bit if someone wanted to call our baby after a living ex-gf, but it wouldn't worry me in the slightest if it was someone who had died. You must be very insecure. So many weird responses on this thread - some of you need to grow up.

You sound ridiculous and jealous.

Presumably she was a nice person and she died young.

I can see why he felt that way. I can see why you weren't comfortable with it. But getting angry is just cold.

What threat is she to you?

It's not ridiculous to name a child after someone you loved who died.

He has every right to suggest a name for his own daughter just as OP has every right to veto it if she doesn't feel comfortable about it/like it. Not sure why you would be super mad at him for doing so? But yes OP I do think you are over-reacting IMO

DP’s previous partner died in her 20s and I’d be ok naming our DC after her - she wanted children but never had a chance to have them, it would be like acknowledging that in a way. I would go mad if he suggested naming a DC after a living ex, that’s totally different.

This is all purely hypothetical anyway as there’s absolutely no chance we’re having DC, but I guess I don’t have a problem with the fact that DP loved/loves her, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he also loves me. I feel sorry for her tbh, she was so young when she died.

It wouldn't bother me, she's hardly a threat to you. I'd suggest it as a middle name if it's important to him.

I think it's inappropriate for anyone to name, or even suggest naming a child after someone they previously had a relationship with, dead or alive.

I'd not like it, either @Whambamthankyoumam111 You've hinted that you feel he has her on a pedestal, so I'm assuming, maybe incorrectly, that there are other things bothering you?

I'm in a relationship with a widower - in my opinion it only works because he doesn't do or say things like this.

The tattoo a PP mentioned would be a hard no from me!

Depends why he suggested it, as a tribute or he just likes the name? It’s weird but I wouldn’t be raging about it

I’d be upset as well, that he would consider this, and be thinking if his ex at this time.

I get that everyone has a past, and if she died when they were dating, it’s even more poignant, but it’s very insensitive. Maybe the pregnancy has stirred memories of his ex - were they together long? Planning children? Etc, However, I’d still be hurt.

Think it's weird

As oldies /regulars will know My dh died 12yrs ago

I met a lovely man dh 2 and finally had baby blondes now mini blondes

She's a girl - but if she was a boy there is no way in the world I would suggest calling him my dead husbands name

You did the right thing to respond gently.
Just continue to gently refuse.
I found out aged thirteen that my name had a tragic history. I remember it every single time I have to give my name.

It’s not about being ‘threatened’ by the dead girlfriend. Kids deserve their own name.

But having a partner who has placed a late ex girlfriend into some sort of special status in his mind, and then actually suggesting naming his child with his current partner after her would be really weird. Especially if this woman still features in their lives in some way, courtesy of his prolonged grief.

And all the posters laying into the OP for ‘insecure’, ‘pathetic’ and ‘ridiculous’, I bet if you were in this position, you wouldn’t be nearly so understanding of the man’s perspective.

It’s just an excuse to lay into an OP, as ever t’were, on here.

Tons of kids are named after people alive or dead.

I don’t see how all those kids have not been given their own name?

If this woman is a regular feature in their relationship, why would Op settle down am into a relationship and have a baby with him?

He suggested it. She said no. End of.

I agree people shouldn’t be laying into the Op. but it is clear she feels threatened by her. If she wasn’t she wouldn’t be so upset and saying he puts her on a pedestal.

This! The suggestion just missed the mark and came across as completely insensitive. I think he thought I wouldn’t remember her name but his sister has spoken to me about her. So when he mentioned the name, I knew exactly where it was coming from.

I'm with you , despite his loss , your feelings should be the priority.

She's dead. She is no threat to you. She will never have her own children to name.

I really do not understand your insecurity over this.

The woman died. A life cut short.

He has been able to move on and find love again and is entitled to have fond memories of his past love.

Using the same name for his first born child isn't a good idea for your but he hasn't suggested it to be nasty.

Rather than be mad at him, a gentle reminder that whilst she had a lovely name, your baby needs her own individual name and not a name that whilst understandably reminds him of the past is utterly meaningless to you.

What ? No way.

“No. I am not naming my baby after your dead ex girlfriend”. End of discussion.

I wouldn't have an issue with using the name if it's a name I like. It doesn't have to be as a tribute to just his dead girlfriend (who btw is not bagage as a PP said), it could just be a lovely name. If he didn't think you even knew her name I don't think he is as obsessed with her as you think he is. It doesn't sound like he goes on and on about her. She was a young woman who died much too soon, she was somebody's daughter and granddaughter. Wether you like to think so or not, she was probably a lovely person and not some dreaded ex.

I wouldn’t agree to that either. But this is person he once loved, perhaps still does. Just because she died doesn’t mean she didn’t exist for your partner he went through something terrible that’s now part of the person he is today, the person you fell in love with.

Whilst you say no and don’t want the name I don’t think it would be kind to be mad or angry with him about it. Just perhaps not something you would like to do but he does for whatever reason and you could try to talk to him about why? Your new baby needs her own lovely name and whilst this person won’t be forgotten you’re creating a family and life together so I hope you can move forward, choose a lovely name for your baby and have a happy life. Which is something the girlfriend will never do.

UNBU. He needs a slap.

Nope. Naming a baby after a dead person who had no relevance in her life. Yanbu.

one might say an irrelevant anecdote in the context of the thread.

@CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket

I don't think 'one' 🙄 might say that at all. I explained the relevancy - sorry you weren't able to grasp it.