He wants to name the baby after his dead girlfriend

[Whambamthankyoumam111]

Hi. New to this. Just wanted thoughts on this. My partner and I are expecting our first baby soon and coming up with baby names. Tonight out of the blue he suggested a name which I know is the name of his girlfriend who died years ago. A woman he has put on a pedestal since. I was not happy and he tried to diffuse the situation saying that it was just a nice name.
I am super mad about the fact that he would even suggest it. Am I overreacting?

I'd have said no. I know someone who may well be in a similar situation someday - first love died tragically. He remained close to her family and it had a profound effect on him but he's moved on - will no doubt fall in love and marry some day. I could see him suggesting this but I think it would be a very bad suggestion and not a good thing for anyone.

In OP's case, I'd be more worried about the girlfriend being on a pedestal - it is hard to compete with the dead. If he hasn't worked through his feelings for this dead girlfriend and figured out what place her memory has in his life now that he is committed to another woman and about to have a baby ... well now would be a good time to do that.

(the Irish poet/writer Percy French's first wife died young and he married again and they called one of their daughters after her)

My friends boyfriend died suddenly when they were both 22 and madly in love. Heartbroken. She went on to get married. She wouldn't have dreamt of naming her ds the bfs name but she does regularly visit his grave and has kept in touch with his family. Her dh doesn't mind as he was fully aware of her story when he married her
Definitely no way to the name but his past cannot be denied.

I think it is very insensitive and inappropriate to suggest. At least he has taken your objection on board, i would try and let it blow over.

I wouldn't be angry but I'd find it very upsetting

I can understand some might dislike it. I personally would think its beautiful to remember someone my dp loved/loves. its part of loving that person to accept that person's life. I was once with an elderly family friend whose dh had passed away and she said to me, I am happy that he is now in heaven with his first wife (who had passed away very young) because he missed her so much. I found that beautiful.

As the saying goes it’s not the dead you need to worry about it’s the living.

Good grief, she's dead! It's not as if she's a threat. To be raging about it is ridiculous.

Weird

I don't think the OP sees a dead woman as a threat fgs, rather she's unsettled by her partner's fixation on his deceased ex girlfriend.

She’s not his ex though, is she? She’s his late partner. Very different.

My DH died 3 years ago. I still love him and always will. My DP understands that entirely. Personally I don’t think I would use his name for a child I had with another man, but if I did suggest it DP certainly wouldn’t be angry – he would understand that it would be a way of paying tribute to someone I loved and had lost.

It’s hard dating someone who has been bereaved. It’s not for everyone. I would suggest talking to a counsellor if you’re finding it tough and want to continue in the relationship. Because he’s always going to love his late partner. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you too. And her presence will probably become smaller in his life over time. But she’ll always be there.

The daughter would remind him of his ex I don’t think it’s appropriate.

I don't think I'd mind the suggestion. I always thought if I'd married a widower I wouldn't expect him to stop loving his first wife. I think you can love and miss a dead person whilst loving a new person and moving forward. I wouldn't want it for a first name unless it was one of my top contenders anyway, but middle name would be ok.

I'm assuming that my marriage is happy though and he's not always implying that his first wife was better than me. If so, that's different and I wouldn't be happy but for different reasons.

There's no fixation evident by his choice of name.

OP mentions dead GF is on a pedestal - she provides no examples, but if that's the case, then obviously it's a bigger issue.

My 3rd DC is named the same as my first love, a very early & innocent (but significant) romance. When I chose it it didn't even occur to me that might be a connection. I've always loved the name, and spell it differently. I recognise that's v different to a deceased GF but honestly it didn't cross my mind.

The name is not the side

Peach** sorry for thread derail - I'm so glad you've found happiness again! (I remember your posts about DH). 💗

My 3rd DC is named the same as my first love, a very early & innocent (but significant) romance. When I chose it it didn't even occur to me that might be a connection. I've always loved the name, and spell it differently. I recognise that's v different to a deceased GF but honestly it didn't cross my mind.

Completely different I'd say.

I’d be considering whether I even wanted a future with him.

Did he?

Thank you so much @EarringsandLipstick, that’s so kind! I miss DH every single day and always will, but DP is a lovely, kind, thoughtful man who loves me and DD through and through. I’m very fortunate to have met him.

So surprised at the strength of feeling here. My eldest's middle name is the same as my late boyfriend's. He was a very fine person. It's nice to acknowledge him in that way. My wonderful DH never blinked and I never imagined he would, or it was inappropriate.

That's what I said, isn't it?🙄🙄🙄

The point was - it's easy enough to say a name that has past connotations without it being significant.

Oh for God's sake!

That's so wonderful. I'm really happy to hear it - I know we are all strangers here but your story & eloquent writing always stayed with me. 😘

I don’t think I’d mind this so long as I liked the name. Maybe I’d be happier if her name was a middle name. As others have said it’s not as if she’s a living threat though.

one might say an irrelevant anecdote in the context of the thread.

Well what woman in their right mind would want to name their baby after their partners deceased girlfriend?! I can’t think of anything worse or that would put more of a downer on what should be an exciting event!

I know this is mumsnet and everyone should be cool with everything but personally I’d be fuming that my partner was trying to forever imprint his baggage onto what should be a new, exciting chapter in both of their lives. It’s selfish.