DD hates her name and surname

[9thFloorNightmare]

She is 15 now.

The pregnancy was so good, the only issue was finding a name!
I could not choose. It was agony.

One day, just before her birth, I woke up from a lovely afternoon nap, the TV was on and 1st thing I heard / saw was an ad of a product with a human and - the image of a lovely young girl (I didn't know the baby's sex). Right at that time I decided if she was a girl she would have that name.

It is an international (could be pretty much from a lot of different countries and cultures) short, simple, easy to spell, sounds good (to my ears) name. In hindsight I could have choses a middle name, but I jus't couldn't ;(

She hates it. Hates her surname too which is a traditional surname in the UK.

Any one dealing with the same at home?

Anyone else thinking of Sunny(D)?

Seriously @9thFloorNightmare I never liked mine growing up and would have happily changed it to Sabrina. Now , I like it. Why not decide on a name together and use that for a year or two, what harm can it do?

Also, she doesn't like her surname is changing that to your maiden name an option?

@9thFloorNightmare, have you told your DD the story of how you chose her name? If so, I wonder if that’s the issue for her? Perhaps she has taken offence that you couldn’t decide/think of a name but you were inspired by a tv advert?

My DH and I chose our DC’s name having agreed on three potential names before their arrival. Once our DC was born, it was easy to give them one of the three shortlisted names. Our DC knows how their name was chosen, even down to us writing their potential name and surname in our own respective handwriting to see how it looked 😂

I’m not a huge fan of my name, it’s quite old fashioned but it was at least unique at school! I have considered changing it, but wouldn’t want to offend my parents who I love dearly!

Sometimes it just the name. My hatred of my name never had anything to do with hating myself. I rejected it for myself from a very young age. By about three I was already disowning it and I’ve never changed my mind. I have never felt my name was the right fit for me.

I have a friend who grew up really hating both her names. they were normal, nice names nothing tied to anything else and no matter how many times we told her this, it made no difference. she decided that when she left school and before going to Uni she would take a different first name that she liked and that this was the perfect time to do it as she would be meeting a whole new bunch of people who wouldnt know her as anything different. her home friends also called her this (occasional slip ups) but in her family she was still known by her original name. No one ever really saw it as a problem or issue. my dh is known by the long version of his name in the family and the rest of us call him by his shorter name which he prefers. really see no difference to doing that tbh,

i hated my name as a teenager,
my dm just told me i could change it if i wanted

A lot of teens hate their names. I changed my surname (no one could spell the original and it pissed me off). I think a lot of people here would say that if they could have changed their names as teenagers then they would have - I would have renamed myself Raven if I could (little teen goth). Glad I didn't. The way to approach it is - OK, what would you like to be known as? If you still like it when you're eighteen you could change it.

Just let her use another first name instead. But don't change it on official documents like passports yet.

I hate my name. Actually no, hate is a strong word. I don't like it. And I didn't like my surname either (that was fixed by getting married though). In my business I now go by one of my second names and my husband's surname. I wouldn't change it though and I'm still called by my original first name by friends and family. I wouldn't let a 15 year old change her name, but I guess when she's 18 it'll be her choice.

My mum changed her first name and surname at 18 and stuck with this changed name her whole life. So for some people it is not a phase.

I'd be inclined to let her add a middle name by deed poll, which she could then go by, it would be easier to do it and have her GCSE and ALevel certificates, driving licence, degree certificates etc with that name rather than changing it once she is an adult and things not corresponding.

I changed my middle name and surname. I just hated them, I can't even really put a finger on why. It's been 18 years and I'm still more than happy with my new names.

My DD (6 at the time) hated her middle name, for a year she insisted her name was different. I let her change it. She's so happy about it even 2.5 years later.

I know it's not exactly the same situation but that's my experience with name changing!

OP, I hated my name as a teen. It was so common at my school, at least 7 of us with the same name in my year alone and it didn’t feel like my name for some reason. I even got people to call me a different name for a short time, but there was never any mention of changing it from my parents. I think they knew it was a phase and that I’d eventually over it. And I did. I still prefer the shortened version of my name, but no longer hate it by any means. Hopefully she’ll be the same. Many teens go through a phase of trying to work out who they are and if their current version of themselves fit their idea of themselves ) if that makes sense!).

My DD is also 15 and has a very traditional name that has many shortenings to it. She isn’t keen on it! Since taking gcse history her name comes up often in the work they have been doing and she asks us why we named her after ‘old lady queens’ 🤦‍♀️ 😂 But she’s finding herself, trying to carve her place in the world and questioning all this stuff is so normal. So if she really wanted to change it she knows we’d support her, but we’re also just letting her work it out for herself and I think the most probable outcome is that she’ll make her peace with it and life will go on.

I thought it was common for some people not to like their names.

The first time I met my stepdaughter she was 6yo and told me she hated her name, she wanted to be called Sarah, her parents had other ideas. The number of times she’d sob in my arms over the years because she would get called a nickname created from her real name, broke my heart. She’s an adult now and accepts her name, but I’ve never met anyone with her name, I swear my ex and her mum made it up when they were off their heads.

A boy I went to school with went by his middle name because he hated his perfectly normal name (Anthony). I think I’d known him about 4 years before I knew he didn’t use his first name. I actually know loads of people who go by their middle names for one reason or other.

My cousin changed his name by deed poll at 18, not sure it was because he hated it, I hope not because I still call him by his birth name, just like the rest of our family do, we can’t get out heads around him being anything but his birth name, even over 30 years later, it’s a family name for us. His wife & dads family use his chosen name, but it’s a family name for them, his dads name who died when he was little. He’s never got upset and happily acknowledges both names.

i hate my married name, no idea what possessed me to take it or inflict it on my DCs. Thankfully we double barrelled their surnames so they have the option of dropping it. I think I would be upset it they decided they didn’t like their first names though, all have important meanings, so far they like their names and love the meanings behind them 🤞

I can only think of ‘Sheila’s Wheels’!

No comments, she doesn't like her name and she can legally change if via deed poll when she comes of age. There isn't anything you can do about it

I think it’s Bodyform.

Anyway if she doesn’t like it she can change it at 18. /end of thread.

It's unclear without knowing the name but is it a LACK of linkage to her heritage she dislikes? How's her relationship with Dad if she's upset with her surname too?

I'd ask her what she'd like to be called. It might give you some insight into what the problem is.

Would she like to use your maiden name?

Let her use your chosen name at home and with friends and speak to school about if they will adopt it informally

Well as long as she's not Lillet or Tampax (in which case, she has a point) why don't you suggest she picks a name and tries it out for the 3 years till she is 18 and then change by deed poll. But tell her to choose carefully as it's far easier to have one that is easier to spell (to save repeating one's self) and doesn't sound like another name (to save having to correct everyone)

You / we call ourselves anything we like. I have a friend who has called herself Zoe since her teens. Name on her Passport is Ann. Another friend calls herself Tiffany (goodness knows why). Name on her Passport is Margaret (maybe that is why).

This is all part of your DD finding her identity in the world. It could be worse. She could be ‘identifying’ as Batman or a Trifle.

My 17 yr old daughter came to us 2 years ago and said she wanted to change her name by deed poll. She had already been using it amongst her friendship group for at least 6 months at that point. We asked her to wait a year and that we would call her by her preferred name and asked family and friends to do the same.
2 years on and we are going through the deed poll process now and once sorted will change her passport, bank account etc.

I couldn’t see any reasonable argument as to why she should stick with a name that we chose and she didn’t like.

Those Tesco "free fruit for kids" adverts have a lot to answer for.

I've always hated my official name. I use a different one for both unless I'm filling in an official thing.

I never knew how common it was till a long known colleague verified ny passport. I looked at the name and I was like "who is this?" and so did she! 😂

I did think I'd change it officially but never did as my parents were so upset when I said it. If I had stuck to my guns at 18....that said, I do wonder if having a long unwieldly name protects against fraud of ID etc?

Not Tena then?

I don't like my first name much, very dated. Don't like my middle name which was after my mum's cousin who has never been in my life and I didn't like my maiden name either and it's the main reason I took my DH's name as I approve of women retaining their family name usually. I just wanted rid of mine.
Thing is, if you'd asked me at 15 or 18 I'd have changed my name to something I'd dislike now. A timeless classy name is what I'd like but I CBA to do the deed poll thing now. Your DD may grow to like her name or may change it. I always wonder about people giving their babies dramatic odd names and how sure they are they will fit the child or adult they become.

I think you can stop worrying that you picked the wrong name. Because no matter what name she got, she'd still be going through this phase.

It's to do with her identity and her struggles with that.

She is finding it hard to define herself and therefore her name is 'controlling' her because she can control everything else.

You say she was a tomboy and now she's a girly feminine girl.

That says to me that she has had issues trying to find her place in the world and be accepted. And those issues are still difficult for her.

My advice is stop defending your name choice or telling her it's 'fine'.
Instead tell her its OK not to like your name and she has choices to change it and that's fine with you.