Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

[Merryclaire]

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

I would add it, it may make for a longer name but only on paper. I don't know anyone who uses their full names, none of my friends would even know what my middle name is.

Just add it. Nobody really cares about middle names and it seems fair your husband wants to honour his mum the same as you do. Not a hill I would die on

Use it but make sure your mums one is the first middle name.

Will her name fit on a passport form? Use that as the decider.

I wouldn’t add a name just to be ‘fair.’

I wouldn’t add it.
Does the baby have his surname? If so then his family are already included in the names, so it’s fair that the middle name comes from your family.

Is the double barrelled surname your DH's family's or a combination of yours and his? If it's from his family, you've got the argument that there would be a name from each family and a first name of her own

I wouldn’t. Speaking as someone with two middle names it’s a pain on passports etc

Seconded. Always hated having two middle names.

I would add his mum’s name. Hopefully it will be special to your little girl as it’s her GM’s name - might even start a new tradition?

I wouldn’t add it. It takes away from the special aspect of giving her your mum’s name.

I have two middles names - each of my grandparents doesn't particularly bother me as other posters have mentioned it's rarely used/mentioned unless it's something extremely formal.

The double-barrelled surname is both our surnames as I didn’t drop mine when we married. All of MIL’s other 5 grandchildren have her surname (but that is not the same as her maiden name anyway).

I feel like just having my mum’s name sounds nice and works well as a strong name, whereas throwing in MIL’s feels clunky as it doesn’t flow well. It also sounds so long and awkward when you say all five names together.

I get on with MIL. It’s not personal, I just don’t want her middle name in the mix.

Good thought on passport but I checked and it would fit - 22 characters out of max 30.

I just think it makes the middle names immediately cumbersome and likely to be ignored when you stuff 2 in there and make it overly long, rather than something that sounds nice and is meaningful to the maternal line.

Congratulations on your new baby!

I would use both names or neither in this situation. There’s no real reason why your wish to honour your mum should come before your DH’s wish to honour his mum (unless she is awful, of course!).

It’s unlikely that her full name will be used often anyway.

I would go with both names, no one ever uses them. My dds have two middle family names and never use the second.

I have two. I use my first middle name sometimes and both very rarely (eg my signature includes the initial from the first but not the second).

I'd include it but put your Mum's first. It seems important now, but middle names really aren't.

I think I would rather use neither than both names as it will be an overstuffed name that doesn’t flow well.

But I do think I have a stronger claim than DH to choose it as it’s a tradition in the maternal line of my family and DD is the only girl left to carry it on. It was also an important name to my GM who I was very close to.

DH only became bothered when he suddenly felt it might not seem fair to his mum - her middle name has no actual significance to the maternal line in his family. If I said no middle name, he wouldn’t care. He just doesn’t want to cause any upset I think.

If its a nice name that you might have picked anyway why would you make a point of telling your MIL the meaning of her middle name? There is no reason to tell her, so no reason to cause upset.
Unless for some reason she knows her daughter in laws mums middle name?

Not sure what to suggest. I was interested in giving our children two middle names but DH vetoed the idea, thought firmly that one was enough. But we have a one syllable last-name (putting our surnames together would literally be child cruelty as they create an unfortunate meaning...).

I was also interested in finding a combination to maintain a family name - my middle name, my mother's name and at least one each in about 3 generations before that. I wasn't keen on names from DH's side for various reasons :( Suffice to say DD has my first name as her middle name, and the "family" name hasn't been continued. My sister could perhaps have used it but hasn't, though she did maintain a family surname as a middle name that she has.

Just tell him her name will be incorporated into the next child's name somewhere.

Reassure him that this isn't to honor your mum but the multi generational tradition in your family. He doesn't appear to have such a tradition in his family

Hmm, unless it's a dreadful name/you hate it/MIL, I'm actually leaning towards saying use it. I am biased - we gave DD our mums' first names as her middle names and she does have a hyphenated surname too... but both our mums have nice names that were on my long list anyway (MIL's was on my short list at one point), so was nice to use them and both mums were really touched. I think it would also be nice for DD to have that link to both grandmothers when she's older. Neither of my names have any family significance, but both my siblings have family middle names so I may be biased from that angle too!

Depends on the name. If the full name will be something like Amelia Catherine Deborah Thompson-Roberts, it seems excessive, and risks being too long to fit on forms

So is it your middle name as well? I think if it is and is therefore a strong family tradition I would use it and not worry about mil name. If your mum didn't pass the name on to you, then I would just pick another name you both like. Congrats.

If it's a name that runs through multiple family members then it's not just about your mum.

I know middle names are rarely used, but a long first name, two middle names, and a double barrelled surname does seem a bit excessive.

I think you're being a bit precious I have to admit. You are acting as though noone finds names significant apart from your family and don't seem to be acknowledging that to name after your mum will of course seem hugely significant to others and will probably make the other grandmother feel sad and left out or even embarrassed. Your DH presumably doesn't want his mum to feel this way. If you start on about all that maternal line stuff it just comes across a bit like an excuse. You are naming for one grandmother and leaving out the other. You only have to read the many threads on mumsnet about dil and mil tensions to see how this could be perceived. I'd say, why make her feel bad for no reason and why leave her out? All this stuff about your family tradition is fine, but you would be doing that anyway. Why is it so important to miss her out and not include your DH's family? If you have all those names it's going to seem even more pointed that you can't squeeze mil's in. You say yourself it would spoil the honour to your mum to include the mil's name. So you are acknowledging already how it will be perceived even by your own mum, that she'll seem more special and important to have been specifically honoured. I'd include them both as they are both important women in your child's life.