Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

[Merryclaire]

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

I don't think your desire to give your child a family name trumps his, just because of your family tradition.

I wouldn’t put two middle names.

dd has my mums middle name as her middle name.

we both chose the first names and we all have dh’s surname as our family name. My argument was that I went through the 9months of pregnancy then labour so I get to choose the middle name, dh agreed so dd has my mums name.

dh did question why I wouldn’t put his mums name in and I said it was old fashioned and I had been lumbered with a horrid middle name and I wasn’t doing that to my child.

So you didn’t want to take his name through marriage making the name long already, it’s unfair that just your family name gets used when you already decided to keep your surname when you got married.

Why shouldn't OP keep her surname? 🤔

Two middle name? Puh!

"When two football mad parents had to decide what to call their newborn son, they couldn't decide which one of their side's players to name him after.

So instead Burnley supporters Amanda and Stephen Preston registered him after the entire first team.
^^
Jensen Jay Alexander Bikey Carlisle Duff Elliot Fox Iwelumo Marney Mears Paterson Thompson Wallace Preston was taken to his first game after just eight days."

Your partner is going to have to get over this "fairness" thing or it's going to cause issues.
It starts with a middle name disagreement and next it will be you see your mum more then you see mine.
You have to do what's best for you. You are never going to please everyone.
In this case there is a clear family history. I personally would stick with that.
We did the exact same thing with my son, used a family name for his middle name.

*So it’s not your mums first name.

and I assume it’s your middle name too? if so, I wouldn’t even be considering the fact it’s your mums middle name. It’s yours? Take the parents out of the equation, it’s not about them.

However if it’s not in your name, then it’s not really carrying a tradition.*

Absolutely this. If it's not your middle name don't have either. If it is your middle name then you're naming your dd after you. No need to mention grandparents.

And to be fair, if it's not your middle name it's not a family tradition as it misses you out? Do you have any sisters with that middle name? Surely if you do it's for them to carry on the tradition?

@HewasH20 My full name doesn't fit on the passport form, I have to write it outside of the little boxes. It always appears in full on my actual passport though.

Use your mums middle name and don't mention the meaning?

My granddaughter has two middle names, mine and the other granny's, and I couldn't give a toss. I just feel honoured that one of them is mine! I could understand maybe feeling a tiny bit peeved if it was only the other granny honoured thus, but I wouldn't have let anyone, especially her parents know that!
When it came to choosing my middle name, many decades ago, my parents were lucky in that numerous relatives on both sides had the same name, and my brother even married someone who had the same middle name!

This is your child’s name not a recognition opportunity for mums.

Choose the best middle name for her - not on the grounds of fairness between families.

DH didn’t have to compromise on first name so he should relax about middle name.

I also think as you carried her and birthed her, and are currently her whole world, you should get slightly more say over her name. However you don’t get to use that card for long so if it means that much to you, insist on the name you want.

Are you serious?! What century were you born in?

Actually I do think my longstanding desire to continue a maternal family legacy trumps his last-minute ‘best not offend my mum’ suggestion. Especially as this is largely about keeping a connection to my GM who I was very close to.

He does appreciate this but is a people pleaser and is worried about offending his mum.

Opinion is clearly divided on this thread but I really don’t want to lumber our daughter with an over-long, poorly flowing name.

The way I see it, it’s really just a little buzz for MIL for a day but will be a clunky name DD has to live with for the rest of her life.

So I’ll try again to get DH to see it from my POV.

If we just can’t compromise then I’d rather no middle names at all.

I would do it....my dh uncle died when i was pregnant so we added his name as another middle name...even though its awful ...dc like having a connection...and have many syllables!

Its rarely used in RL...

@Merryclaire Is it your middle name?

Her husband kept his name after marriage too.

There’s a boy’s name in DH‘s family that has vern
passed down for generations.

DH is one of 4 boys. Not one bears this name as a forename, middle name or anything else. When the 4 brothers started having children there was some bizarre race to have a boy in order to pass the name on, despite the tradition already having been broken. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d explain to your DH that he chose the first name. You’re choosing the middle name.

When you carry the baby, birth the baby, and give up your body etc etc and all the permanent things that happen to you during pregnancy, and after birth etc you get more of a say in this. Tough for him, but you’ve earnt more of a say. Especially when it’s only a bloody middle name. Tell him to get over it

I'm not entirely sure why you asked for opinions then so angrily disagreed with everyone who almost unanimously said it's unfair to just use YOUR mother's name as a middle?

However, I think your decision to use both or neither is wise. It's only fair, and as much as you disagree, I think it WOULD be cruel to just use one.

Never would I add a name I'm not fond of, or any name, just to make it "fair" I would be standing strong on this.

But then my relationship with my MIL isn't the best so maybe that clouds it.

Does his mum even know your mum's middle name? If I called a daughter by my mum's middle name, my MIL would have no idea (not sure my DH would know, either) just don't tell her.

When you carry the baby, birth the baby, and give up your body etc etc and all the permanent things that happen to you during pregnancy, and after birth etc you get more of a say in this.

what a load of sexist nonsense.

Was this middle name passed to you? So you have it as well?

This is your child’s name not a recognition opportunity for mums.

This. Plus it's not even DM's first name, it's her middle name, and a name that has been used for female family members throughout generations. Everyone saying 'you should use both names' and talking about 'honouring both grandparents' seems to be missing this entirely.

If there was a similar tradition within DH's female family members then fair enough, but if the only reason to use MIL's middle name (not even first name!) is so MIL is treated equally then it does seem a bit petty. Especially when it means your child will have 5 names, 2 of which she will probably never use so it's pointless anyway.

I would add it. I'm using both great grandmother's as middles for my December baby. If its important to your DH then I think it's only fair.