Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

[Merryclaire]

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

Don’t do it. This happened to me and I hate my name and it wouldn’t even fit on my driving license. All to be fair to grandparents. I have since changed it by deedpoll. I think stick with one middle name- your child will thank you!

Add it, people rarely use middle names anyway so it's not going to be used on a daily basis. Plus it's fair that way.

Is it just your mothers middle name but not yours and if so, why not?
It wouldn’t seem as harsh not using MIL’s name as well if it’s your middle name too?

Gid I know how you feel. Last baby, definitely wanted my mothers name as a middle name, but dreaded and fall out with MIL.

thank god I had twins!

I definitely think that you should add it. It would be cruel not to. Whether or not a name is 'nice' isn't the point - you choose an honour name to honour the family member. Why does only YOUR mum deserve to be honoured? Either both are honoured, or neither are. Your baby is a member of both families and both grandmothers are important. I actually am shocked you're having to ask this question to be honest? I can't believe you think it might be okay to only use one grandmother name as a middle? How horribly hurtful for the other.

Also, my children have two middle names. It's not at all inconvenient, fits on all forms, has never been an issue at any point in their life, and if anything is very common. Just as common as having one middle.

WTF? No it isn’t!

I’m named after my mum, one of her sisters and my dad’s mum. 2 middle names, never any issue with passports.

my sister is named after my mum’s mum, her other sister, her grandmother and the midwife. (3
middle names).

DD isn’t named after anyone, but has DH’s surname as her second name and my surname. Also no passport issues.

Just add it.

Plenty of people have 3 names and a double barrelled surname. She’ll fit right in at pony club 😁

This is bullshit,

I have 2 middle names and so do loads of people. It fits just fine.

I love both of my middle names. Glad I have them. 27 letters in total (21 pre-name change on marriage).

Does MIL even know it's your mum's middle name? And why the need to be 'fair' anyway? You like one name and not the other. And to be honest, using someone's middle name (that hardly anyone even knows) is hardly 'honouring them'.

Mine is 22 (didn’t change name)

Sister is 33.

DD is 28.

Does MIL even need to know? Would she know your mum’s middle name??

Long first name, two middle names and double barrelled last name does seem a lot.

Is this your first child? Will there be more? You don’t want to fall into sibling middle name unfairness either!

I would do it, but I'm a people pleaser. My son has both my dad and my father in laws names as middle names. This is despite the fact DS is the only grandchild on my side and my in-laws have numerous others, none of whom have any of their names.

Congratulations on your baby.

If your DH really feels strongly about giving his mum’s middle name along with yours I would just do it. This isn’t an objective question of right and wrong. (If it were I would say you have a stronger position if the name you want to use is your middle name as well as your mum’s and grandmother’s. I would also note that 22 characters is really not an overly long name. But none of that is the point.) Your DH is just as much the baby’s parent as you are and it’s not up to you to decide that his reasons for wanting his mum’s name are less valid than your reasons for wanting yours.

At the risk of sounding incredibly patronizing I am going to say that your emotions will be running incredibly high right now, as much or more so than at any other time in your life. The decisions you are making right now feel critically important but as time goes on and your child’s amazing little personality comes out there will be so many other things to think about and you will realize that most of it doesn’t matter at all. Your baby is so lucky to have two loving parents and a supportive extended family to welcome her. These relationships are the things that will matter in her life and yours. It’s not worth hurting someone’s feelings or creating hard feelings with your DH over a middle name. Assuming this isn’t one of those controlling MIL/weak DH scenarios I would not choose this hill to die on.

Use it as well.

We gave DS my dads name as a middle name no argument from DH as I said baby had his surname not mine and I always liked my dads name (I really didn’t like FIL’s name) so thank goodness.

Then we had a DD and DH suggested his mums name as a middle name this time which is a long name, we have a long surname and its a name I really don’t care for. I suggested MIL’s and SIL’s middle name (which I quite liked and knew it was MIL’s mothers, christian name) as a good compromise which was fine with DH and MIL.

I think in your case no need to honour your MIL and maybe choose another middle name maybe something with less obvious connections to your family or no middle name.

She is as much your dh's child as she is yours so either go with neither and pick a different one or use both.

My children have a second middle name - in reality it’s never used other than on formal documents . It doesn’t really flow well either but was added for similar reasons. I wouldn’t make the same decision again but it’s not a big enough deal to change

Have you already told MIL what your mums middle name is, and that you plan to honour her by adding it as your DD middle name?

If not, then don't and carry on, if you can trust your mum to be sensitive about it and not blurt out how proud she is when they next meet.

If not then you're in for two middle names plus a double barrel I think. The middle names are just on paper, they don't ever get used day to day, and when form filling just use first and last 99percent of the time. It won't be any skin of your nose in a few years time, but it could mean a lot to DH and his mum. DC is as much him as you.

I vote for peace on this one!

Everyone keeps going on about being fair but be fair to the baby not the grandparent! 2 middle names and a double barrel is a lot of names

I named my son with my dad's name for a middle name but I also added my husband's dad's name too, just cause I thought it would be a bit shitty if I didn't. It'll never be used really but it's a kind gesture.

No way, have the names you want. Your MIL got to name her DC. Also, assuming you have taken DH’s surname, you’ve already ‘honoured’ her and her family.

I always wanted to use my mums name for a middle name and did. No one commented or suggested I should have added MILs name too.

The fact that you wouldn't drop your maiden name says it all. You can't have two middle names with a double barrelled surname so I'd ditch them both; not fair on his mum, I agree with your DH.

That's exactly what we did. Ultimately it was my idea too, no pressure from DH. I wanted to use my late father's name. It didn't feel right to leave the other grandfather out, so he has both their names as middle names.