Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

[Merryclaire]

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

I don't really understand why you are so dismissive of your DH's wishes. You keep saying he is suggesting two middle names so as not to upset his mum - this reason is no less valid than your 'legacy name' reason. Both reasons are important to you respectively. If it wasn't important to him, he wouldn't be pushing for it. He sounds like a thoughtful person and I feel a bit sad for him, to be honest.

He is equally the child's father - surely he gets as much say in her name as you do?

Basically what I'm trying to say is that this issue isn't really about offending/ not offending MIL, it's about whether your DH gets an equal say in the name of his child.

Whatever reason he has for wanting a name, he wants it.

If you get to unilaterally add a name that's important to you but has no meaning to him, then he should get the same.

the name is not important to him.

it’s important to him to appear fair to his mother.

However we have no idea whether MIL would even be bothered by it. She might hate her middle name for all we know.

I’d mention it to MIL, I want to give my daughter my family middle name. And see what she says. It’s to honour your grandmother so mothers don’t really come into it.

I can’t imagine my husband being hell bent on something that meant very little to him to appease someone (who probably wouldn’t even be bothered), in response to something that meant a great deal to me.

the man has his first choice of first name for the baby.

If the baby was getting his surname, I would agree with you.

But as the baby is getting both of your surnames (which I think is the best option, and is what we did for our children) I don't see why you should name the baby after your mum but not his.

Equality runs both ways.

If he had pick of the first then I would say you definitely get to choose the middle. DH needs to worry more about upsetting his wife than his mother. He has no real reason to want his mothers middle name, he probably wouldn't have ever even suggested it. I would put my foot down. 5 names is a lot. I'm sure his mum won't even care or realise what your mums and your middle name even is. You are not honouring your mum you are continuing a family tradition that happens to include your mum. That's not the same thing.

I'm with you on this x

@Merryclaire sorry if this has already been answered but does mil even know what your dm's middle name is? If she doesn't would she not just think oh that is a nice name?

I think it is a really lovely tradition and if dh had his first choice for first name it would be nice for you to get first choice of the (only) middle name

more than one middle name is no big deal - I and DC have 2, DH has 3 and MIL has 4!

It’s not ‘fair’ though
DMs middle name is a tradition that means a lot to her and you and your family, from several generations.
MILs name doesn’t mean much to anyone except her and it’s being included only as a box ticking exercise
including both isn’t equal.

and surely using it is less fair to DD who has a less nice name then

Update: In the end DH said I could just have my choice as it meant more to me, but we ended up not giving her any middle name at all.

A couple of reasons:

Even though DH said I could have what I wanted, I decided not to push my own wishes on him. I always knew deep down he would let me have my way if I insisted, as ultimately he wants me to be happy, and I felt a little uncomfortable with the thought I had ‘won’.

However I did have a wobble afterwards and I did feel a bit upset DH couldn’t have come to the conclusion earlier on so it would have been part of the original name announcement, or at least followed it up more closely (by this point he didn’t seem bothered about it).

It felt a bit anticlimactic to add it in after we’d already made the name announcement a few weeks before. It also seemed a bit of an afterthought to my mum to add it in after we’d told her ‘no middle name yet as we can’t decide,’ when I had wanted it to be more special by being the same time as the first name. By that point no one else in the family had seemed to give it much thought and certainly didn’t comment or question it.

Her name is already long and strong without it (even the registrar commented it’s a long name with the double barrelling), and I considered what value it really added. Yes, I had wanted to honour a family name, but why? The name stemmed from an ancestor I never met, and my mum never even liked it that much.

DH has said a few times we could go back and pay to amend birth certificate if I really wanted. So the option is there if I decide it’s really important to me after all, but I don’t think I will.

When I tried to remember my nieces and nephews’ middle names, I realised I couldn’t confidently recall any of them (we have 10!). That put it into perspective.

Good update OP