Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

[Merryclaire]

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

Has anyone even checked with the MIL if she would be unhappy about it?

As OP has explained several times, this is about

Your Dh is being a dick. Use the middle name you want and tell him to grow the fuck up.

Posted too soon.

This is about a family tradition, not about honouring one mother above another. Surely a reasonable MIL would understand that and not be upset/hurt/disappointed/embarrassed (??? Really?) that the baby wasn't given her middle name?

I am normally quite sensitive to these sorts of issues but even I wouldn't have a problem with this if I were the MIL. Maybe mention to her that this name is a family tradition in the maternal line in your family and see whether her reaction is more "oh that's nice, you should use it" rather than "how could you honour her and not ME?"

If it's the latter reaction, then perhaps reconsider.

EnjoyingTheSilence · Today 08:39
Your Dh is being a dick. Use the middle name you want and tell him to grow the fuck up“

it’s his child too.

I would add it. In years to come when neither minis around, it'll be a nice way for your DD to carry both of their legacies. I'm quite sentimental about names!

Is this traditional family name your name too?

The way I look at it, the DD already bears the surname from both sides of the family. She already has the legacies.

This is about a family tradition in the maternal line that the OP would like to continue, without burdening her DD with an excessive number of names that don't flow particularly well together.

I'd just use the one and not announce to MIL that it has anything to do with your family, it's not like she'll know you mum's middle name. If it does come up, just say it's a family name from your side, no need for the details.

I'm pretty sure that 3 out of 4 grandparents would not remember my DCs middle names (they are 8 and 11). You are unlikely to get a lot of questions from MIL, especially if it's a nice name.

I have two middle names (as do my kids). I only generally use my first middle name, and my signature includes it as the initial.
My daughter has my mums name as her first middle name and my husband's grandmother (who was no longer alive) as second middle name. My son has both his grandads' names as his middle name (my dad's first). Interestingly his email uses his second middle name.
So really it's all a nice idea but I'm not sure how much the grandparents involved really cared to be honest, and how your daughter uses it is up to her.

OP don't use a name you don't want.

My dd has recently had a baby and the middle name is after her fil.
It goes well with the first name.
Dh and I are not at all bothered that his name is not included and in fact I would go so far as to say my dh's name isn't one I would give to a dc.

Your mil most probably won't mind and your dh is overthinking the non issue.

In your situation I'd use both to keep everyone happy. Nobody cares about middle names anyway. I removed mine by deed poll in my 20s as I didn't like it and your DD may want to do the same if she finds it cumbersome.

Normally I would say use both, but I don't see your DH's point on this occasion because it isn't just your mother's name. Crucially, it is YOUR name. So I would just say you named her after yourself in the unlikely event your mil ever asks why she has that name!

Both or neither and you don't have priority decision making either.

If you have a good relationship speak to your MIL and say you want to continue your family tradition with baby of the same middle name all the women in your family are given.

see what she says.

I’d give my DD the middle name of my choice specifically as it means so much to you and your H is apathetic unless you give your child your middle name. That just seems petty to me.

Your mum's MN has been passed down generations, so this is an established tradition and you like the name anyway. Your MIL is just trying to bulldoze in. This is why I hate honouring with names. Use the name you like and to blazes with being "fair".

So...OP shouldn't pass on her surname to her DD. In other words, she has no right for her name to be 'honoured' by her own daughter.

But her husband's mother on the other hand has every right to have her name honoured. OP cannot use a name from the maternal line without using a name from the paternal line, otherwise it's unfair.

Is that right?

If so, it sounds a bit... patriarchal.

it sounds a bit... patriarchal.

well, apart from the fact that it is her MILs name rather than her FILs.

He has baby’s first choice - I’d suggest revisiting that to your first choice and the two middle names and see which option he prefers.

The MIL isn't trying to bulldoze in on anything- she probably isn't aware of the situation at all. It is OP's husband who want to include the MIL's middle name.

I can see why he would want her name to be included. Has he seen the family naming tradition and has also thought that would be something nice to do as well? At the same time I also see how annoying it would be if the name didn't flow when included the extra middle name, would be a very long name as well. I'd want to try and pick the name that I thought the DD would be happiest with in the future too.

I'd lean towards the name not being included for that reason tbh- shoehorning it in seems silly when it will make the name less nice.

So it’s not your mums first name.

and I assume it’s your middle name too? if so, I wouldn’t even be considering the fact it’s your mums middle name. It’s yours? Take the parents out of the equation, it’s not about them.

However if it’s not in your name, then it’s not really carrying a tradition.

Use a new middle name.

Read the OP again. It is the OP's husband who is the one doing the bulldozing here, not her MIL. In fact, nowhere does she suggest that her MIL has been involved at all.

The husband is apparently trying to be fair to his mother, which is bollocks anyway. Who is to say that MIL would even notice the middle names if it wasn't directly pointed to her.

Is it your middle name too?

No need to add her name.

I think add it. My DDs' middle names are family names and they love hearing the story behind them. I think telling her that she's Jane Kate Sarah Smith-Jones because Sarah and Smith come from one side, and Kate and Jones come from the other, and she has two sides of her family that love her very much, is a lovely story to grow up hearing.

Ultimately, it will make your MIL very happy (DD2 has MIL's name as a middle name and she was touched), your DH won't feel awkward and day to day it will make exactly zero difference.