DH's names driving me to tears

[BFPDec21]

I'm probably hormonal but has anyone ever had an argument with their partner over baby names? I've had a little cry because I can't see us ever agreeing.

DH keeps suggesting names like Ozymandias and Balthazar. Mine are more traditional like James, Isaac, etc. I'm open to more unique names but he won't stop with these bloody out there names.

For context, we live in the UK and there's no interesting heritage to warrant names he's choosing. I asked him for a 'normal' name and those were his normal names.

I'm reading this with interest, OP. Mainly because some of the names suggested are really, really out there still. I was the one who liked more unusual names (Malachi/ Conrad/ Milo/ Innes/ Murdo/ Ferdie/ Cahill) but they're quite sensible compared to these!

We went for very Scottish names for all three boys (surname very Scottish) , not really common, but not unheard of.

Why not let him choose the middle name? I think an out there middle name is fantastic. I have a cousin who has a Duncan Danger and a Pandora Pixie. Duncan and Pandora are grand and they have a crazy middle name on passports. An Ex bf was Kit Baggins and his brother Tom Bombadil (hippy, Lord of the rings fans) which I thought were great.

I'd laugh at him for imagining he has a say in the name at all! Of course I'd love to choose a name with him, if it is a graceful, joyful process. Any dispute though, and the person gestating and birthing babe chooses. Of course. It's basic good manners to defer to the mother, to respect and honour what women do which men cannot.

Unfortunately it sounds like you've set a precedent with your firstborn.

DH and I had differing taste in names. He liked names like Trent, Jonty, Anderson... I prefer Samuel, James and Matthew.

DO NOT do what we did, which was to agree a name straight after the birth after four days of labour and no sleep. Because you could both end up so delirious that he gets the wrong end of the stick and announces a similar but different name to all your friends and family than the one you think you've agreed to.

get a baby book (not too big!) buy 2 copies
Go through the book and put a colour mark next to every name you would be OK with.
He does the same with his book. Then compare the two.

Just keep going, you will find one eventually

@moonbedazzled

I love Shelleys poem. We did it at school.

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

Gosh. I love Ozymandias and Balthazar.

Same here (the poem and the names, which are fabulous). I often think of "Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair" when I look at the state of my house.

I also like

Florian
Valentine
Humphrey
Montgomery
Horatio
Cassian
Tiberius
Flavian
Melchior
Emmanuel

(I used some of these, btw).

Love Balthazar & Isaac.

When we were thinking of names we found it hard to settle on anything.

Husband only seemed to like Marcus, I was set on James!

We found something in the end though-but it didn't cause upset or arguments.

Just a simple "I don't like it" was enough!

@Stravaig

I'd laugh at him for imagining he has a say in the name at all! Of course I'd love to choose a name with him, if it is a graceful, joyful process. Any dispute though, and the person gestating and birthing babe chooses. Of course. It's basic good manners to defer to the mother, to respect and honour what women do which men cannot.

Unfortunately it sounds like you've set a precedent with your firstborn.

Completely agree!

We used the Tinder app and I think it was just called Baby Names, with an egg logo. There's probably more than one.

You both, separately, write a really long list of names (like at least 50) that you would accept. Then compare them, and if there are any matches, that's the name you go for!

If no matches, read each other's lists and see if there are any you are actually OK with.

If there are truly none you agree on, then you get to choose a normal, classic first name. You get priority because a classic "boring" name has no potential whatsoever to have a negative impact on your child's life, whereas a weird name has potential for negative impact in all sorts of ways. Then he can have free reign to choose whatever whacky middle name he wants. (I had a couple of school friends with whacky middle names, including one whose middle name had been chosen by her then toddler brother who chose his favourite animal. They were embarrassed when kids at school found out, but they were largely able to keep it secret and then as teenagers found it funny).

Oh and lastly, if you do manage to eventually agree on a first name, DO NOT give the baby a middle name!! They're not compulsory and it's just extra stress!

I think the names thing is a red-herring.

Is he usually this contrary - seems like he enjoys sparring with you - is he like this with other decisions or with other people?

Why would any kind and respectful person inflict so much emotional distress and conflict with their partner?

My ex husband was fixated on names like Vilneus, Vespasian and Lemuel. The kids are old enough now to tell him they HATE those names and are much happier with the more normal ones I insisted upon

@PyongyangKipperbang

Oh and you may want to remind him that naming a child FOR LIFE is not some fun thing for him to show his education or his wacky sense of humour or his need to show his kid as a Twitter handle but a real responsibility that, if he gets it wrong, his kid will hate him for.

This. He's being a dick and your kid will suffer for it if he's allowed to name them.

@Harlequin1088

My partner wanted to call our son fucking Loki.

Loki.

I hit the roof. As if a kid is ever going to be able to get a job interview with a name like bloody Loki on his CV.

I went to a playgroup with a woman who named her son Loki - utterly bizarre

I know someone who used one of the names you mentioned OP. I still can't get my head around saying it, makes me a bit and I know the other people in this child's life are the same.
Please don't pick any of these for your DS. It might not harm him in his younger years but I know if I saw some of these names on adults I'd be a bit eye-rolly

DH was exactly the same, it was awful. He wanted Alxndr at one point (Alexander but with no vowels. This was about five weeks after the birth and was presented as a serious name he really liked). He also thought we should stick with “Baby”. I honestly wanted to kill him. We almost missed the cut off for registering the birth because we couldn’t agree.

Hmm. Sounds like he is being a bit inflexible about it. My DH wanted to call dc3 calypso.... I just rode that one out. She was born and DH was so pleased and emotional that we were both safe and well that he essentially let me choose, unless he really hated it. Rest assured, she is not called Calypso.

I honestly think we need to change the way we register kids, instead of 6 weeks you shouldn’t be allowed to register until 6 months. It would take the pressure off and stop you wanting to murder the father.

A colleague of mine gave her dd a boys name.

I think there's a shift towards more gender neutral names now (I could be wrong, just my observation). I wonder if your DH's search for strong masculine names is his way of pushing back and trying to ensure he has a alpha male son.

I was lucky in that I at least wanted something different for our son's name. However DH was at this level of extreme!

Loki was one of the names on his list but wasn't actually the worst by any means.

We did find something which fitted the bill (and your husband's criteria) and also fitted with us and wasn't so out there it freaked people out. People comment on how cool it is and how it suits DS. I think we've only had a few snotty remarks which all said I'm fine with as on the whole he gets really positive comments.

One of the things to remember is there is a trend for doing this atm so its you and a whole bunch of other people doing the same thing...

I think there is room for a compromise on this believe it or not. You just have to find ONE name you both can agree on. Just one.

Then go for a very sensible solid traditional name as a second name so your son has a fall back if he prefers when he's older. As it goes DS can't even remember his second name still - he loves his first name and being different.

FWIW in hindsight DH is glad we didn't go for Loki as it would have given people a certain expectation of DS which he realises now.

How far unusual would you go? Or does it have to be dead traditional/boring? Or are you simply not willing to compromise at all?

I think its harder to go unusual with boys names without feeling its weird - its almost more acceptable for girls.

He gets to choose the surname, so you get to choose the first name. That's the way it goes.

I hit the roof. As if a kid is ever going to be able to get a job interview with a name like bloody Loki on his CV.
I actually know two kids with this name!

Someone suggested Montague for ds2 I said its a fucking cat name I'm having a baby not a fucking CAT
I know one if these as well but goes by the name of Monty.

Yes, the boys names for girls is definite on the rise. DN named her little girl Dylan. Not really sure how I feel about it.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

My ex behaved like this. He was firm on the fact our DD was going to be called Bernie and would not be moved. It's not a family name and has significance, and I still have no idea why that name was the one he fixated on. He wouldn't consider any of my suggestions. DD1 is not called Bernie and we are now divorced.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

My friend's husband was insistent their DC2 if a girl, be Eleanor. DFriend had no idea why and didn't like the name. So much arguing! and he wouldn't ever budge or countenance any other girls names while pregnant.

She found out later it was the name of the OW, the one he was fucking behind her back while she was pregnant.

DC2 was a boy, she named him and they are also divorced! Kids now grown up and have very little to do with their Dad.

I'm not suggesting at all this is what happened in your case, your story just reminded me of it and she now sees it as quite "funny" in that it shows just how much of a prick he was!

Love some of the names on this thread, Malachi, Xavier, Apollo even. I was also anti "ayden" names. Also depends on the surname for me too, we have an unusual one so went mainstream with the first names. For our second son we did the two list thing, got there eventually, and actually i prefer his name to our first sons!

Good luck OP

@BFPDec21 the apps called kinder! DH and I used it for DD2 when we couldnt decide. You can select names from different countries, and I think different mythologies so it has a wide range of name styles. Hopefully one you can compromise on.

Youur DHs ideas are batshit crazy.