DH's names driving me to tears

[BFPDec21]

I'm probably hormonal but has anyone ever had an argument with their partner over baby names? I've had a little cry because I can't see us ever agreeing.

DH keeps suggesting names like Ozymandias and Balthazar. Mine are more traditional like James, Isaac, etc. I'm open to more unique names but he won't stop with these bloody out there names.

For context, we live in the UK and there's no interesting heritage to warrant names he's choosing. I asked him for a 'normal' name and those were his normal names.

@TracyMosby

Op, he sounds like a bully. He chose your dd’s name which you sobbed over. Then said you cannot choose the ds’s name without his approval?

That isn't true. She said He chose our daughter's name which I liked after months of disagreements with his girl's names

(The sobbing but isn't true)

I actually like
Zephyrus, Theseus, Tiberius, Taliesin.

What about Caradoc would he like that? It will work your preference for traditional and its unusual enough for him to perhaps go for it

Threads like this only make me believe more strongly that there should be a ceremony some time between the ages of 16 and 21 where everyone gets to choose their own adult name (first name and surname).

@mathanxiety

I'm sorry, but I think he is winding you up, and if I were you I would ask him why he is doing this.

Ask him if there is some problem in the relationship could he please address it openly with you and not do it in this dishonest way where the actual problem is avoided and he is instead driving a wedge between you.

Is he bored with the relationship?
Is he frustrated by fatherhood and the way it takes up time, cramps his style?
Does having a second child mean he thinks he is getting old and settled?
Is he asking 'Is this it for me?', 'Is this all my life is going to be?'

The level of vehemence to his response to your names, and the way he blew right past your crying in frustration suggests an undercurrent of hostility on his part. Or resentment. He needs to start talking to you.

Balthazar isn't bad. It's a bit out there but not egregiously so.
Ozymandias is bloody awful. The toppled statue in the desert, the ridiculous symbol of cruel time?

What else has he suggested?

Once you've had your talk, I suggest each writing lists of 30 names. You get to veto 15 each, and you're left with 30. If you can't agree, then you choose the first name since he chose the winning name for DD, and he gets to choose the middle name.

Or maybe he just likes those names, much like OP likes the ones she has selected - not every behaviour is abuse.

We were the other way round - I was the one who liked more unusual names. We got into a rut where I'd keep coming up with more and more names in the hope that he'd accept one and he would automatically say no, no, no every time.

Perhaps you need to change the dynamic too. Maybe you write a long list of names you like and see if that gives him any jumping off points.

Poorcupineintherough
Sadly, I'm not being ridiculous. 25 percent of UK women are in or have been in abusive relationships. That's one in 4 of us.
Abuse or co-ercion often starts or gets worse in pregnancy.
This is my NHS day job.
It gets swept away and minimised all the time. I'm not saying the OP is definitely being abused, I'm saying she needs to be watchful, we should all watch out for each other.

I don’t like Ozymandias because it makes me think of the (brilliant) poem- it’s not a name that makes me think of strength but of impermanence and human vanity.

Really like Balthazar.

There are loads of strong, classical names out there which might work for you both. How about-

Lysander
Caspar
Alexander
Augustus
Ptolemy
Darius
Julius
Marcus
Evander

We argued for weeks about son's name. Were still arguing about the middle name while waiting to see the registrar. He hates his name, even as an adult he will sometimes tell me how much he hates and why did we do it.

He does agree I stopped some of the worst names but can't accept why I gave in on his actual name.

Both create lists and find a name that shortens to something high on your list

Why do people set about naming their DC as if they are naming a pet?

We have a child in the family with the most ridiculous name possible. She will have the piss ripped through school and it will hamper her her entire life, genuinely. If they had called her Balonz she would have more of a chance!

Tell your DH that your son's best chance of being truly strong inside is if he feels is raised by two parents that can have a collaborative, cooperative mutually respectful, "give and take" kind of relationship. Not one person insisting on their way and the other on their way and both stamping their feet to see who can shout loudest.

You can start to live that out right now over these baby names!

Names are horses for courses

I genuinely think the Jayden / Kayden / Lilli-Mae type names are far worse than Balthasar

And my nephew has a name we all went eh? at but he's 16 now and it's his name. No one even blinks

@DogInATent

Threads like this only make me believe more strongly that there should be a ceremony some time between the ages of 16 and 21 where everyone gets to choose their own adult name (first name and surname).

Great idea, although thinking about it I got stick from the family for years about the Confirmation name I chose. Literally every girl in my year chose Bernadette or Theresa and I chose something more unusual. Thinking about it I think my dad was the only one who didn't comment.

DH wanted to call DD a character from LOTR. Fortunately he came to his senses ....

Just call his bluff and say yes.

The final decision on kids names would be a ‘two yesses’ situation in my house the day having them became a ‘two episiotomies’ situation.

Absolutely no one has proposed calling the kid Jayden or Kayden, so anyone positioning that as the natural alternative to Balthazar is just telling on themselves.

What does "telling on themselves" mean?

I didn't say the OP or anyone else had suggested Jayden - simply commenting that as names go I dislike that end of the spectrum far more than 'pretentious' ones like Xanthe or Balthasar which are at least names, not a made up mishmash

He's rejected every name on my list so far and refuses me naming him alone.

Will DS have your last name or his? And DD has his choice. I'm sorry but it's time for you to get one name.

Stop having open discussions and implement a proper system!

You each draw up a long list of everything you'd like. You each pick five from the other's list. That's your combined shortlist.

Then discuss that, look at middle names, what first and middle combinations work best. Decide on two or three combinations. Mull them over. Decide.

You're currently doing it the wrong way around - throwing all your best name up in the air and allowing them to be shot down. Stop doing that. You're being too sincere, trusting and gullible. He's playing a cleverer game, throwing his most out there suggestions out to be shot down, so that when he does suggest something a bit more sensible - probably the name he really wants - you'll agree to it out of frustration and desperation.

Understand from this point on that you share your life with someone manipulative, who is willing to play you over important things, even if that upsets you. He will make light of it, seeing it as normal behaviour / how everyone rubs along / a bit of banter etc.

He will do it again and again - and you will end up doing all the most awkward and demanding childcare and domestic tasks.

Remind your DH that your son will have to learn to spell his name once he gets to school. He's not going to thank you for a 12 character name with a Z and 4 vowels in it.

Would Dashiel or Beckett work if he's after a literary bent?

Tobias, Leonardo or Silas, maybe? (And Toby, Leo or Si for every day 😂)

Either way, get him a goldfish to use his weird names on.

Which spectrum would that be?

Are you having a bad morning or something?

I'd forgotten how utterly bonkers the baby names threads get