Husband insist on naming our baby a name that means something else in my native language

[Lolacoupa]

Long time reader but first time poster... I am facing a dilemma and I could do with some advice. Am I being insensitive ?

So hubby and I know we are having a girl ! He told me ( out of nowhere , never discussed it before) that he always wanted to call his daughter Sylvia. The issue is that in my native language , Sylvia resembles the word for "Vagina". I told him that , and he doesn't care. He says " We're in England not Africa". Technically he's right , but I'd feel awful calling my baby vagina , everytime I say her name.

Then he told his mother , and this morning she sent a long text telling me how I decided to marry an English man , how this baby will be born here , and that it's not a big deal. His son is in love with the name so if I love him I should her call that.

I am so sad , my husband won't talk to me , or would say hurtful things. For example during dinner last night " Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

What do you think ? I've been crying all day. I tried to tell him that we could look at names we both like. But NO he wants Sylvia. I cannot begin to imagine my family reaction to calling my daughter vagina... even if she never lives in my home country , the thought of saying " I love you vagina..
Come here vagina etc..." horrifies me.

Turn the tables on him. Ask him to imagine he lived in your country and you wanted to call the baby Virgina. Ask him how he would feel if you told him that he'd decided to marry an African woman and live in an African country so he had to forget about his country and his language and just suck it up. Ask him if he would do it and ask your mother in law of it would be fair to ask him to do that? If they wouldn't do that, if they say they would they are idiots, they wouldn't do it and they shouldn't ask you to either.

I can tell you what they will probably say, they will say it would be unfair to name a half English child Virgina. And that, my friend, is why your child cannot be given a name that means Virgina in her language.

Please please don't accept this. Don't name your baby Sylvia to appease him. And don't let him treat you this way. I'd pack a bag and go and stay with your mum, and let him come to his senses, if he has any.

It’s really not how your want your daughter treated when she grows up. If they are like this now what will they be like when it comes to making other decisions for her? He and his mum have the say and you have to agree like a good girl and keep him happy?

From your updates, the name sounds the least of your problems. You don't need to live like this, OP

No. It’s YOUR baby OP please don’t call it a name you’re not happy with .’ His mum said you married and English man and therefore she should know that in England we do not exert pressure on women to
Name their babies anything expect s mutually chosen name. I was under pressure to name my firstborn after my FIL as that is traditional
In my husband ‘s culture and it caused me dreadful stress during my pregnancy. I did not agree shd I am so happy I did not break and I like my child’s name. Remind them that in England there are no such cultural rules or traditions and also that this will spoil your pregnancy for you and the stress is bad for baby. I am concerned by your husbands childish and nasty behaviour and letting his mum bully you like this.

If you start to give in to this brattish behaviour now you will be doing it forever. Silent treatment and belittling your cultural heritage is abusive. Please do not allow your little girl to grow up thinking this is normal. I would probably leave, but at the very least I would be insisting he cuts the apron strings, tell him that the tantrums don't work and that he needs to go to counselling to reprogramme his response to conflict and that you are not calling a child vagina.

This sounds like an abusive relationship, OP. O agree with the other poster that you should seek help from your midwife.
This is the kind of behaviour that will only get worse without intervention. Having a newborn is hard enough with a good partner, nevermind having one with a xenophobic bully like you're dealing with. I'm so sorry to read about your situation and will be praying for a solution. Xx

I can't believe his mother
(a) got involved at all.

(b) told you that you married an Englishman so should adapt, yet HE DIDN'T marry an English girl so he needs to adapt too, she hasn't quite worked that out! What's good for the goose is good for the gander..

Tell her that most British women would have told her to fuck off by now.

OP his behaviour has crossed the line into racism.
I read your comments to my husband and he is appalled. He could not imagine any man treating his wife like that. We have an infant daughter too and would be heartbroken if she were to be married to a man like your husband.
It doesn't matter if he is good some times. In a normal loving relationship you treat each other with respect ALL of the time. It is non negotiable.
For the sake of your baby do not let him abuse you. You are showing her that this is okay and one day she may end up in your position.
Your husband may as well be married to his mum. You will never come first.

You don't like the name and you have given good reasons for that too, not that you should have to justify yourself.

That's all there should be to it. He and his mother don't get to dictate about the child's name in this way.

A name must be one that both parents agree on. Not just him.

Easier said than done but I really think you should leave & go back to your parents.
Your soon to be here Daughter does not need a father like that in her life.
How cruel to name a child something derogatory or that could be classed as derogatory.

He cannot railroad a name you don’t like. Additionally you have a perfectly good reason to not want it. He should respect your veto. His mother sounds unhinged and racist and he sounds a bully.
Good luck op.

Agree with others, he is abusive and a Mummy’s boy.
Go back to your parents or seek help to leave and set up on your own.

He is abusive, sexist and racist OP. He is trying to isolate and control you. It will be worse when the baby is born.

You need to get away from him and his horrible mother. Go back to your parents. Seek legal advice. Tell your midwife.

Do not call your daughter a name you don't like. If your DD's name actually 'robs MIL of the joy' of a granddaughter then that says everything about how controlling and ridiculous MIL is, and nothing about your child or you.

You need to protect your child and yourself.

Get away from him.

Basically, "what they said" - you should be deciding on names you both like. You have a good reason not to want to call her Sylvia. He is being a twat.

His mother should butt out. It is none of her business and I would be upset that he has obviously been discussing you with her (not in a good way). It works both ways, if he loves you he should respect your wishes and stop being a sulky child. Your daughter will be half African and half of her family would think that name was inappropriate.

@Disfordarkchocolate that's my neighbour's name!

Glad to see you are back op. . As you can see from the thread there are lots of people worried for you and cross on your behalf.

From reading your update @Itsmeagain92 he sounds even more controlling and this is just the start of it. It will get worse, and you will find it harder to escape him/them once the baby is here. Him and his mother are a team working against you.

That incident with the crisps speaks volumes. Posters here are talking about abuse for good reason and recognise the signs from their own experiences.

Your little girl will be growing up witnessing her father abuse you...even if he's not actually hitting you he's using coercive control over you. She will be learning that this is what a normal relationship is like and I'm sure you'd want better for her than living like that.

Use mumsnet as somewhere to get support and good advice but you need real life support too. You could have phone chat with women's aid just to get their take on the incidents you mentioned.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

0808 2000 247

Can you go and visit your parents for a few weeks and talk it through with them. His control relies on you being secretive and isolated so by telling your parents you are helping yourself just a little bit as a first step.

Don't tell him you are going, just quietly take a few things and go.

And please keep in touch on here.

Leave him OP

Honestly OP. Move back to your mums before baby is born. This will only get worse if you stay with him. Hes abusive

OP I’m so sorry going by your updates I would be even more worried now.

If he isn’t putting you first now he never will. That he thinks he can bully you into submission with cruel behaviour, cold shoulder, emotional blackmail etc is deeply worrying. And you are staying around to be treated like that is equally worrying.

I would ask him straight out why he thinks his mothers feelings outweigh yours or your future child’s? And why he thinks treating you like this is acceptable. Stuff like this is insane: The only time he talks to me is to say is how I shouldn't ruin his mum his first joy of having her first grand-daughter.

But to be brutally honest I really think you need to break up with him if you don’t want this to be you and your daughters future. If you can’t do that at least leave him and don’t engage until he sees why his behaviour is so wrong. Don’t stay and let him abuse you, there is absolutely no way that he will miraculously change. I worry that you are so close to having a truly shit life if you don’t find the strength to fight this hard now.

OP please go back to live with your parents. Explain everything to them, he's not the example you want to show your child. He's an abusive bully and this is only going to get worse.

OP- better that your baby is fatherless than exposed to the vile man who is his father.

Go back to your mum’s. Don’t stay with him, please don’t.

Your updates are very very worrying. He will only get worse. He’s punishing you because you haven’t obeyed him. You and your baby deserve better. Please leave. Move in with your family.

OP, I’m so sorry that you’re in this shitty situation.

Of course you don’t want your little girl to be fatherless, but your relationship will be a model for her as she grows up. What if she ends up choosing a partner just like her dad? How would you feel?

Be strong for yourself and for her. This man is abusing you.

I don't want my daughter to be fatherless. I think I am just gonna have to accept Sylvia as her name. Since I am pregnant If things to go his way , he gets horrible. Small example : I bought the wrong crisps ; he throw them out of the window and ignores me. He's never been a talker , but how can I know what I have done wrong if he doesn't tell me.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Your H has massive problems that are nothing to do with you, and you are not going to be able to sort him out. Your MIL has massive problems too.

He is basically a mummy's boy who can't cope with the fact that you are going to be a mum now. There is only one mum for him in his life. For her part, your MIL is motivated by insane jealousy and the need to control, and the pair of them need a psychiatrist.

You did not cause their problems, you cannot control how they behave, and you are not the one who is going to cure them. This would take years and years of therapy and a willingness on their parts to engage with therapy and change.

Far better for your DD to not have this man in her life treating you like shit in order to score points with his mother.

Because this is how all of this will continue - she will encourage his awful treatment of you, and he will work hard to please her. She will use you and your DD as the means of exercising power over him - if she wants some reassurance that he is still under her thumb she will make a demand and he will obey. It could be a demand about how your DD wears her hair, or that you stop breastfeeding, or that the baby be left to cry at night and not picked up.

He won't ever see the light and he will make your life hell. His mother's approval is far more important to him than you or even the baby.

Please, please move back with your parents, for your sake as well as for your daughter's.

The only time he talks to me is to say is how I shouldn't ruin his mum his first joy of having her first grand-daughter.

You are nothing to him. And your baby is nothing to him either.

Please, please leave.