Husband insist on naming our baby a name that means something else in my native language

[Lolacoupa]

Long time reader but first time poster... I am facing a dilemma and I could do with some advice. Am I being insensitive ?

So hubby and I know we are having a girl ! He told me ( out of nowhere , never discussed it before) that he always wanted to call his daughter Sylvia. The issue is that in my native language , Sylvia resembles the word for "Vagina". I told him that , and he doesn't care. He says " We're in England not Africa". Technically he's right , but I'd feel awful calling my baby vagina , everytime I say her name.

Then he told his mother , and this morning she sent a long text telling me how I decided to marry an English man , how this baby will be born here , and that it's not a big deal. His son is in love with the name so if I love him I should her call that.

I am so sad , my husband won't talk to me , or would say hurtful things. For example during dinner last night " Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

What do you think ? I've been crying all day. I tried to tell him that we could look at names we both like. But NO he wants Sylvia. I cannot begin to imagine my family reaction to calling my daughter vagina... even if she never lives in my home country , the thought of saying " I love you vagina..
Come here vagina etc..." horrifies me.

Gosh I'm infuriated by his mother and him and I don't even know them!!!
I'm in your team, op. You need to both agree on a name and his mum can do one. Dont give in. you want to be able to teach your daughter about your culture and when she's older, she will know what it means and wonder why you called her that.

@BogglesGoggles at the risk of side tracking, what?!! Sylvia is a lovely name, and I would love the association with Plath as her poetry is fantastic. We’d run out of names if you couldn’t use any name associated with someone who had ‘done something’

OP ..I don’t know how you put up with this prick and his family, but assuming you want to resolve this perhaps make the conversation less about what the name means in your language and more about you just don’t like it, and there are millions of other names..it can’t be the only one he likes. You just tell him no, you don’t have to explain and insist on finding one you both like.

I’d be tempted to tell him that Cunt is a nice boy’s name in your language, and you’ll be calling his first son that if he insists on Sylvia for your daughter.
Alternatively, tell him and his mother that as you carry and birth the child, you have the deciding vote on her name. If they won’t agree, leave him. He’s showing shocking disrespect for you, which sounds like the beginning of abuse, with which his mother seems to be complicit.

When I say words or phrases that are from my county, or tell the kids off for saying X as they mean something rude where I am from, the kids are quite coldly teasing me. Your husband is being childish, cruel and horrible. I tell the kids to stop it. You need to be more forceful with the man who is supposed to support your needs fully.

I am so angry on your behalf. The vagina thing is completely irrelevant - you don’t want that name for your child. Who the hell does he think he is to dictate the baby’s name & to even rope his mum in to bully you.
I’m furious !!!

For example during dinner last night " Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

Read up on gaslighting - what an absolute dick.

Would you be brave enough to let him read this thread?!

He doesn’t get to dictate this OP. I suspect he is used to telling you how things will be otherwise why would he try and be such a knob on this issue. Anyway, doesn’t matter. If he is still insisting when the baby is born register her with the hospital registrar giving her your preferred name before you go home. He doesn’t need to be there. Don’t let him do this to you. Get assertive now!

Is he so insistent on the name because it's a family name or something?

Not that it matters much anyway but if it was to honour one of his parents/grandparents I could kind of understand it.

What about using Sylvia as a middle name? Would that be more of a compromise? Ultimately you both have to like the name and there's a while to go yet so don't panic. Give him some time to get over it x

@Babdoc completely agree about this having a lot of red flags. He clearly doesn’t see parenting as a joint partnership.

Do NOT let him read this thread!

You would be justified to reject the name for any reason. The two of you have to agree on something you both really like, even if it means neither of you gets to choose a name you love.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I realised straight after posting that was possibly not a safe suggestion

Just no.

I can’t not believe they are being so disrespectful and dismissive of your culture and language.

Do not agree and do not let him register the child without you. I would itching to reply to your MIL - what a manipulative women “if you loved him...” why does that not cut both ways?

Well, there's 2 things to this: 1. IMO both parents should have veto powers. No one should be calling their child something they don't like!

1. In your shoes, I would be having a serious conversation about his (dis)regard for your heritage. Do you plan to raise your daughter bilingual? Because it's pretty much guaranteed that he will play the "we speak English in England" card if he's behaving like that now. TBH if my DH came up with that shit, I would seriously consider separating. My heritage, my language are all part of who I am and I am not willing to compromise my identity for someone else or because I don't live in my birth country.

As an aside, I said no to Maya because in my language it has the same sound as 'sock'...

I let myself be bullied into naming our first child something which is impossible to spell (for anyone outside of the very remote area where we now live), very long and very difficult to pronounce(again, for non-Gaels). It is also the name of my late FIL, who I disliked.
Because I was hormonal and very frightened of being alone, I persuaded myself that I was voluntarily giving my husband a great gift and that I would get used to the name. I didn't and I still hate the name.
Don't be like me.

Tell he can do it as long as you get to choose her nickname - 'little cunt' might get the point across to him.

I’m so sorry OP but he sounds like he could turn into really bad news.

This really isn’t about a name. He has no respect for you. It doesn’t even sound like he particularly likes you. Normal people would never insist on a name (or anything else) that upsets their partner.

It also appears that neither he nor his family will care about your child’s dual heritage. That’s so sad and might be damaging for your child in the future. Especially if she might look different to the rest of the family.

There are so many red flags here. I hope you really do know what you are getting yourself into continuing a relationship with him. Be very careful.

He is being disrespectful.

Are there any names you can compromise on, like Sylvana, sylva?

Also your MIL needs to keep out of it, this decision has nothing to do with her!

He married you and he needs to respect that he married someone from a different culture too.

It should be a joint compromise/decision but the final say should be from the person whose body will push out the baby. That’s you.

Don’t call the baby Sylvia. How would he like a baby to be called penis or anus?

Him and his mother sound awful.

He needs to respect your culture as you do his. I would reply to mil saying yes and he married an African woman. Ask him how he would feel naming his son penis. Surely he should be understanding towards you! You are his wife not his enemy.

I'd be messaging the MIL back and just state that if he loved and respected you then he wouldn't be so dismissive of your feeling and your culture.

I desperately wanted to call a daughter Emily and a son Daniel.

Dh didn’t like Emily (because he went to school with a girl called Emily and she was smelly) and he didn’t like Daniel because... well... he just didn’t like it.

Our children are not called Emily and Daniel.

Because obviously you need to find a name that you both like.

Wow he sounds disgusting - ignorant and dismissive. Gross. So sorry OP!