Husband insist on naming our baby a name that means something else in my native language

[Lolacoupa]

Long time reader but first time poster... I am facing a dilemma and I could do with some advice. Am I being insensitive ?

So hubby and I know we are having a girl ! He told me ( out of nowhere , never discussed it before) that he always wanted to call his daughter Sylvia. The issue is that in my native language , Sylvia resembles the word for "Vagina". I told him that , and he doesn't care. He says " We're in England not Africa". Technically he's right , but I'd feel awful calling my baby vagina , everytime I say her name.

Then he told his mother , and this morning she sent a long text telling me how I decided to marry an English man , how this baby will be born here , and that it's not a big deal. His son is in love with the name so if I love him I should her call that.

I am so sad , my husband won't talk to me , or would say hurtful things. For example during dinner last night " Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

What do you think ? I've been crying all day. I tried to tell him that we could look at names we both like. But NO he wants Sylvia. I cannot begin to imagine my family reaction to calling my daughter vagina... even if she never lives in my home country , the thought of saying " I love you vagina..
Come here vagina etc..." horrifies me.

I would start referring to the bump as baby and tell everyone, especially his male friends, that your husband says she is going to be called Sylvia, which is really funny because it means vagina in your native language. Rest assured the friends will soon change his mind.

I’d also start hiding away money, because abuse often starts with the first pregnancy and gets worse after the birth. This isn’t just a simple disagreement on names, this is horrible bullying and disrespect.

*bump and baby as vagina

Then he told his mother , and this morning she sent a long text telling me how I decided to marry an English man , how this baby will be born here

Did she finish by telling you to go back to where you came from?! This is awful, you poor thing.

Sylvana or Sylvette might be a good compromise. I like Sylvana.

However it isn't up to him what his daughter is called, it should be a name you both like.

Why this name in particular? Is it very special to him? Not that it makes any difference. The name is not up for grabs. You have to both love it. Would he call her ‘fanny’?

For us - if our child had been named after my grandma, she would have been called ‘piss’ in DSs mother tongue. I’m sure that would have caused no end of amusement (I have a friend with the same first name - but her surname also means ‘poo’ in the same language).

The child will visit family abroad - why lump her with a name that will cause sniggers and embarrassment in your family?

What’s her name?
Ummm, errrr, hmmmmmm, ‘Bill’

The thing is OP its YOUR vagina the baby is coming out of so tell him to p.ss of 🤣🥴
@Lolacoupa

He and his family are being racist and dismissive over your background. Make it clear that Sylvia as a name isn’t happening. In my language Sisi / Cece / Cecilia means penis so I would never use that name.

Tell him you don't intend to be Sylvia's Mother and play him this:

Then give him a copy of Sylvia Plath's, 'The Bell Jar'.

Perhaps you could ask him if you were to have a boy next, would he insist on calling him ‘penis’ because that is just as ridiculous. Please stand your ground.

He is very disrespectful of your culture and heritage.
I'm sorry you are having to put up with bullying from him and his charmless mother.
Absolutely stand your ground, you cannot give your child a name that distresses and embarrasses you.

I love the name Sylvia. My mother loved the name Sylvia, yet she gave me a God awful plain name because I was not pretty enough to be a Sylvia.

And even still I love the name but I would emphatically say to you: you carried the baby, you will give birth, therefore you choose the name! It's that simple. Sure it is both your baby but you have done all the hard work. Do not concede this point!

Tell him you like the name Fanny.
Would he be OK with that?

You have to agree on a name and he is being a twat.

“Why is Sylvia so important to him?”

This is a good question. Had he found out about the word ‘Sylvia’ in your language and has deliberately decided/ suggested this as a way to
cause you upset or humiliation?

I'm not surprised he's like that with a mother that horrible too. Don't back down - the baby is yours too.

I’d tell people, if they ask, ‘DH and his mum have decided on... what’s the word again? Fanny, twat, cunt... oh yes, Sylvia...’

I am another one with a Sylvia for a daughter. It's a beautiful name. I assume OP means it's like Siilka which is swahili for vagina. Not so similar for any mothers of Sylvia's or Sylvia's themselves who may suddenly be worried their name means vagina!

Your husbands still a dick though.

You can change first names in the first 12 months if the child being born, OP. So if he sneaks of and names your child, you can sneak of and rename her but you have to pay.

Regardless if either of you do that you are getting divorced anyway.

Oh and you don't need the card from the hospital. I didn't turn up with mine.

We just turned up with our passports and her names on a slip of paper. The registrar just found her on the system.

I also suggest, especially after watching MPs at work in the last few days, you give the child a middle name from your culture. That way she can decide to use that name if she feels it is more appropriate when she is an adult. Virtually all my friends, myself and family have done that even though some of us don't speak the relevant language. (My DD has 2 middle names though there are members of my family with 4.) Just make sure the name can be pronounced by British people who actually try to pronounce names correctly, so try names out with people other than your husband.

And at what age do you think she will turn to dad and say ‘why the hell did you insist on calling me that???’

Make absolutely sure that you attend the registration of the birth and if your husband is still insisting on calling your baby a name against your wishes make sure that you tell the registrar and why it is offensive to you. Tell the registrar that the baby will bi lingual. Also worth ringing them now to get advice before the birth. You have more rights here than you realise and there are also regulations about tasteful names for children. Good luck

It doesn't really matter why he wants it or why she doesn't IMO - the fact is it isn't a name they both like so they need to discuss different names and choose one they are both happy with.

Have you discussed other names OP or is he refusing to even consider them?

Don't be bulldozed into this, any decision he tries to force on you that results in you crying all day is one he should be uncomfortable with and be willing to compromise.

You're being perfectly reasonable OP, you should both like the name of your child.

Poor you

He's gaslighting you, and like others I'm wondering if he is borderline, or overtly, starting to abuse you. He's disrespectful of your culture and heritage - which he knew about when you were dating and then married. He doesn't get carte blanche to name your DD, IMO you should get the final say due to carrying and birthing the baby.

Compromise doesn't seem to be a word in his vocabulary.

A word that sounds like Sylvia is not Sylvia. It almost sounds like it. I think that should not be lost. As such, I do not think your DH is unreasonable if that is the reason you are objecting to it.

Better to say you do not like it.

In any case, for the sake of your marriage you need to find a compromise. Without a compromise that leaves the both of you feeling okay about the choice of name, then this marriage will have some problems going forward. Your daughter's name, and everytime you or he uses it, will be an underlying source of tension.

Frankly, you either address this problem head on and get to a compromise or prepare for a difficult relationship. By the sound of his mother, my sense is that you'd be better off calling it a day on this relationship. The venom and disrespect coming from her would be too much for me to stomach. I'd hand her grown son back to her.

‘What the name means in your own language is irrelevant.’

Disagree - it’s hugely important as op’s dd could be derided by her language community.

My df wanted to call me a normal English name that translates into donkey shit in my dm’s language. When this was pointed out, OF COURSE he changed his mind immediately as he didn’t want my dm and me ridiculed in our language culture. Df in his ‘80s now but still chuckles about it.

Op’s DH sounds like he’s not suited to life with a woman who’s not an identical cultural match to him. Op - I don’t think this is normal - he needs to grow up, respect the fact that you are from another country and language tradition. His mum interferes as he encourages it.

Going forward would he discourage you from teaching your kids your mother tongue?

A word that sounds like Sylvia is not Sylvia. It almost sounds like it. I think that should not be lost. As such, I do not think your DH is unreasonable if that is the reason you are objecting to it

Do you would be happy to call your child Phuoc, pronounced not-quite but very close to Fuck? It isn’t fuck, and isn’t exactly pronounced fuck so isn’t fuck and therefore you should be happy with that?

Her son is in love with the name so if I love him I should her call that
Bet you were tempted to text her back that you are in love with the name Vagina, so if your son loves me we should call her that.