Husband insist on naming our baby a name that means something else in my native language

[Lolacoupa]

Long time reader but first time poster... I am facing a dilemma and I could do with some advice. Am I being insensitive ?

So hubby and I know we are having a girl ! He told me ( out of nowhere , never discussed it before) that he always wanted to call his daughter Sylvia. The issue is that in my native language , Sylvia resembles the word for "Vagina". I told him that , and he doesn't care. He says " We're in England not Africa". Technically he's right , but I'd feel awful calling my baby vagina , everytime I say her name.

Then he told his mother , and this morning she sent a long text telling me how I decided to marry an English man , how this baby will be born here , and that it's not a big deal. His son is in love with the name so if I love him I should her call that.

I am so sad , my husband won't talk to me , or would say hurtful things. For example during dinner last night " Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

What do you think ? I've been crying all day. I tried to tell him that we could look at names we both like. But NO he wants Sylvia. I cannot begin to imagine my family reaction to calling my daughter vagina... even if she never lives in my home country , the thought of saying " I love you vagina..
Come here vagina etc..." horrifies me.

This is your child too, he can’t dictate to what you can and can’t call her

Bloody hell, hes really mocking and showing contempt for you. Stand your ground. Youre doing the work here. He doesnt get to override you.

The child is British. So I get the DH's point that sounding like the word for vaginal does not make Sylvia a form of leprosy.

When I was at university, there was a Chinese student who name spelt like a rude English word. She carried a name with pride. Should her parents have not used a perfectly acceptable name in China simply because in English it was a rude word?

There will be many perfectly acceptable names and words in one language thar means something else in another language. That's no reason to pour scorn on a name or word that is acceptable where the person lives. Respect and tolerance goes both ways.

However, my point is that the OP need not give a reason for not wanting the name. If she does not like it, then so be it. I think her argument that it sounds like the word for vagina in her language just caused more issues than necessary.

In any case, neither of them have more rights than the other to name their daughter. They need to reach a compromise.

From what the OP has said about the way her DH and MIL speaks to her, I don't think this relationship will last or the OP will need to out up with a lot of crap from the two of them.

Gosh, he sounds totally ridiculous. I hope to hell I never lose my senses and dictate to my DC and their future partner like that.

I loved a name my OH hated as in his country it’s a food. So we just found another name. Not a problem.

You have bigger issues than the name though, your married to a to$$er. You don’t want your daughter to grow up watching her mother be trampled over. Tell him no. Tell his mother to back the hell off.

They r bullying you . What a bastard . And tell your mother in law to piss off

What the name means in your own language is irrelevant.

How on earth is it irrelevant?! Baby is 50% mum and 50% dad - they have equal rights for their child to have a name they like.

And disliking a name because in your first language it means vagina is a pretty fucking good reason to have a discussion and pick an alternative both parents are happy with.

Should her parents have not used a perfectly acceptable name in China simply because in English it was a rude word?
It depends. Did one of her parents object to the name as they were English and it's a rude word in English? If not then it's not the same situation

This is appalling bullying behaviour on the part of your husband, and I agree with the posters who said that this is not about the name. I assume by his behaviour as you've described it that he is a bully generally. Controlling and complete disregard for you, your culture, and your feelings and wishes. You don't have to put up with it and you have more rights than you may be aware of. Definitely don't allow her name to be Sylvia. Consider who you can talk to in order to get support generally, as not continuing with this marriage is one of your options. Perhaps talk to your midwife? I wonder if this thread should actually be in relationships not names since that's fundamentally the problem here?

I don't think just telling the OP that her husband is an arse is very helpful at this point

Of course it is. She needs to know that thevway he treats her us completely unacceptable and that no one has to stay in a marriage where they’re being treat like that. There is help in England for anyone* who doesn’t want to remain in a marriage - and as you can see the vast majority of us wouldn’t remain in a marriage with a ‘man’ who insults our culture and dismisses our feelings. She NEEDS to be told this, not given a list of names to try to appease this bullying wanker.

She should get out before she gives birth then she can move where SHE wants to and call her baby what SHE wants to.

We all make mistakes (marrying the wrong person) it doesn’t mean we have to resign ourselves to a life of abuse. Typically he’s ramping it up now she’s pregnant, it’ll only get worse, much worse.

Pass me the water please. Can I still use the word please or does it mean something in your language that is rude ?"

This is so racially offensive. He's mocking your language and culture now...? That kind of attitude and insensitivity doesn't bode well. He's no respect for you and the most you can do right now is stop the crying, pull him up on this disrespect every single time, and remain adamant you won't call your DD a name that would ridicule her in your language.

Tbh he sounds stupid. Inter-racial relationships where one is dismissive of the others' culture are more hassle than they're worth as essentially they're about your partner choosing to diminish you

its pretty standard when you have a child with someone from another country, that you find a name that works in both languages.

If my partner showed this much contempt for me, id be tempted to fly back to my own country, have the baby there and stay there, as he could stop you once shes born.

Wow, regardless of what the name means in your language, you both have to like the name. Where does his mother get off telling you you married an English man so therefore everything has to be English? When two cultures marry, you both need to accept some cultural clashes and learn to work around them. I'm married to a different culture and when I told hubby a name I particularly liked meant 'ass' in his language, that was the end of that. I would never dream of forcing the name on him. Please stand your ground on this one, he is being a complete 'what I wanted to call my son!

Should her parents have not used a perfectly acceptable name in China simply because in English it was a rude word?

A lot of Asian names are falling into disuse specifically because they don’t have good meanings in English. With the rise of immigration how well a child’s name translates into English is becoming as important as the name itself. In China this is why kids have English names as well as Chinese ones, but in India and South East Asia where people are prouder of their cultural identities people just stop using the names that are dodgier in English.

Outrageous. You are the child's mother. You have to be happy with the name. It's a joint decision - not his! I vetoed loads of names my husband loved and vice versa. To be honest I wouldn't want to be with a man who had no regard for my feelings and was happy to bully me to get his own way. Imagine how he will be if he disagrees on some aspect of your parenting.

My dh's family speak Afrikaans. If he'd told me that my favourite name meant vagina in Afrikaans I wouldn't have dreamed of using it or getting my mum to phone him and say if he loved me he let me name our baby Vagina.

My husband is Spanish, I'm Croatian. Our children have names that don't mean things in the other languages. It's basic respect. Personally (childish it may be), start referring to your vagina as Sylvia. Every time he says it, especially in front of friends etc snigger, even if you don't want to. Doesn't matter if he wants the baby Sylvia. The baby's coming out of your vagina, you get to say no with no question. Tell him how childish he is running to mummy dearest for sympathy rather than discussing it with his wife, who is carrying his child.

This behaviour is a very bad sign about your H

And his mum!

I can't believe how dismissive he is of your heritage and roots.
Me and husband have different background so I know first hand how hard it is to find a middle ground.
However he would not dare to be dismissive and passive aggressive like that. Also his mother in law needs to butt out of ur business. And stop with this emotional blackmail. This whole if you love him ud let him call her Sylvia. Well if he loves me he'd let me NOT call my daughter vagina.

Also let's not forget it is ur vagina that will stretch open, tear, sewn back up for her existence into this world.... we don't want that memory to be brought back up everytime you are calling her to put her shoes on in future or eat her vegetables.
No part of his anatomy is damaged in this process, he should love you and honour you slightly more than what is shown on here.

In all seriousness though I think it MUST must be a joint decision between mum n dad.
Every one else needs to mind their own business.

I feel for u op. Sending u a hug. We hug a lot where I come from and it's not strange.

How do you say "shit stirring twat features" in your native language? That's your new name for MiL, right there.

He has the right to name the baby if he carried her for 9 months. You are being nice by letting him name her but you have every right to veto the name if you don't like it. No reason to give. He can choose another name. If he doesn't choose another name then you will chose it yourself.

He has no right to make fun of you, your native language or your culture. Yes you have married an english man but he too has married someone from african background. It's an intercultural marriage and he knew about that too. Tell him Britain's colonial days are over now.

You should both have veto power over the names, even if the other one loves it. And his mum should not be interfering! It's your baby.

Do men really have favourite baby names that they've wanted for years?

Your H doesn't like you, does he?

It's very worrying that he and his mother are both ganging up on you while you are pregnant.

You need to be aware that domestic violence often first rears its ugly head in a relationship when the woman is pregnant.

His treatment of you at this point is a big red flag for the future of this relationship. The fact that his mother is backing him up makes me wonder if your husband is a weak man who is not able for the role of husband and father, with a mother who is happy to get him back tied to her emotionally..

How has his mother treated you up to now?

I wold talk to your midwife about the bullying you are experiencing and ask for help.