Unjust custody situation

[Helloworldz87]

What would you do? Long story short. Move in with husband and his family. Naive. Didn't know how controlling they were going to get. Get pregnant early on in the relationship. My father promises to sell his vintage car if we ever need it. Later renegs it. Won't explain why. Gaslights me. After the baby is born. Get Post natal depression. Husband's parents kick us out. Husband loses his job xand I couldn't get work. My parents go overseas for months. My parents eventually get back. My in laws use the legal system against me and file for custody of my daughter. Husband begs me back. Many empty promises of getting custody of my daughter back. Move in with him (without in laws) Many empty promises of getting our daughter back. Marriage becomes financially, emotionally and physically abusive. Move back in with my parents and baby. I feel like such a fool. But don't get any answers as to why my father screwed us over? Apparently if CPS was involved in my daughter case, this would've never happened.

I still get no answers from anyone involved- my parents, my estranged husband and in laws

I still get no answers from anyone involved- my parents, my estranged husband and in laws

Answers to what? It seems that a court made an independent decision, that’s that and all you need to know. Now you seem to be blathering around with everything but what you should be doing. The only answers you should be getting are those from your legal representative when you meet with them on the path towards potentially regaining access to your child. There simply are no other questions or answers🤯.

OP/ do you have a job and do you pay your parents rent? How is your mental health now? Is it possible that actually everyone is very worried about you and that they are trying to keep your dcs safe and happy? I don’t mean to be unkind but you do sound as though you need further mental health support. You seem more concerned about your fathers actions and you haven’t really mentioned your dcs at all - are they currently safe and happy? Are you able to see them? What reasons were given for the court order?

They let you move in with them with your baby. I'd say that's caring for you.

Maybe your father didn't sell the car because he didn't want to support a mortgage in a relationship that is on shaky ground? I wouldn't sell an asset and give away major money to my child in the kind of relationship you were in. I would sell the car to enable you to get good legal advice and fight for your daughter.

Your situation is complex and there's a lot of legal and relationship issues to work through. You need professional advice to help you get things in order to work towards getting your daughter back.

There was no reason for my in laws to take extreme measures and go to court. It was really traumatic. Why my estranged husband kept making empty promises for years that we would get custody back. Why my parents never gave me any advice before this situation started?

That’s not your father fault. Or his doing.

You were in an abusive marriage. The car being sold wouldn’t have changed that.

Your in laws got custody after you moved out. After your husband lost his job and you couldn’t find work. You would have lost the house and your in laws will still gone for custody. The car wouldn’t have changed anything.

What do you mean you get no answers? About what? Your parents took you and another child in. They have done plenty.

Again, do you still live with your parents? Are you looking after your second child?

Your first child was removed and placed with grandparents by court order. The answers as to why are in the paper work. Why does the in laws or your estranged husband need to answer anything? It’s all there for you.

and if you aren’t even allowed to see the child, you are being ridiculous to suggest there’s no blame at your own door. That doesn’t happen because grandparents fancy taking the child and cutting the parents off and the courts just agree to it.

Your Dad isn't the problem.
Why are there so many people involved in your relationship?
Surely, it should be you, your dh and your dc. Your parents and in-laws should be incidental to this, not interwoven 🤔

Would you have listened if your parents had said something and tried to advise you about your relationship? I can tell you, as a parent, you have to tread very carefully when it comes to your children's relationships. Only once did I actively have something to say because the situation warranted it, and it turned out it was the right thing to do, but it could have gone the other way and damaged my relationship with my child. You seem to be trying to foist responsibility for your choices onto your parents.

There was no reason for my in laws to take extreme measures and go to court. It was really traumatic. Why my estranged husband kept making empty promises for years that we would get custody back. Why my parents never gave me any advice before this situation started

How is any of that relevant to taking steps to regain access to your child? It’s not relevant at all. You need to stop going down this line of thinking.

The truth is that it was obviously necessary to take extreme measures, as a court does not remove a child from both of its parents for shits and giggles. That would never happen here (Australia). So, don’t worry about asking your in-laws. That’s what you need to be going through with your legal representative in your path to regain access in some form at least. What were the issues the court made its decision on, and how have you worked to overcome these. Thats all that’s relevant, nothing to do with your in-laws or DH )although given he also had custody removed not sure why you’d listen to anything he had to say. The only ‘person’ you need to listen to is your legal rep.

Your parents have nothing to do with it. You said you were in 30’s, not 15yo. As a full adult you should not have had to rely on any advice from your parents, you are an independent person at that age.

So, either start properly with what matters, only asking advice and requiring answers from your legal rep, or continue not to bother doing anything that might result in the outcome you require and ask non-relevant questions otherwise that will add nothing.

There is clearly a lot more to the custody situation than you’re telling us here.
the courts don’t give custody to grandparents with no access to the mother because she has post natal depression. They just don’t.

it sounds more likely that she was removed into their care because she was at risk at home.

The courts disagreed. The courts agreed there was reason to remove the child from you.

If the father doesn’t have access how could he promise you would get it back?

Do you have custody of your second? Does your exh have access? Or is the child legally in the care of your parents?

Well it happened to me.

You say it’s been years. Is your child happy and settled, is it actually in her best interest to be taken away from her primary carers?

Well no one cares that it wasn't in her best interest to have her family destroyed to begin with and that I wanted to be her mother

Yes I have custody of my second. I've never been able to get any answers as to why the court was so harsh, the first time

In these sorts of cases your wants aren’t the priority.

The child’s needs are. Children are not removed from parents if their needs are being met. Parents don’t get a court order that says they cannot have contact with their child if their needs are being met.

You may not see it as good reason. And that is, likely, part of the problem. Until you can look at it objectively, get legal representation and let them look at it objectively and explain it to you, then you won’t get anywhere. You need to start looking at your role in this, except it and then put in the work to be better.

What legal routes have you tried to get your child back?

Do you have legal custody of your 2nd child? Is it dependent on you living with your parents?

I am sure you do want to be your child’s parent. But that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for the child.

I'm not sure and it's hard to say

How old was your eldest when she was removed? How old is she now? What does she want? Her needs come first.

It was basically all lies that I was too depressed and one drugs. Despite the fact that I've never even drugs

What did the courts give as the reason your child was removed from your care? How long ago was this?

If you are asking for help here you need to answer the questions people are asking you.

Such as the ones about the time frame and about your own financial situation.

It was basically all lies that I was too depressed and one drugs. Despite the fact that I've never even drugs

Right so if these were the ONLY factors, then this is somewhat easy to address. You have legal representation to prove that you are no longer depressed to the point you can’t have any access with your child and you are not on drugs (irrespective of whether you were or were not previously, it’s only relevant you are not now and have no immediate risk factors). Don’t go on about how a court was wrong. Accept it and show the court that these are not issues currently. If you can prove this to a court (easy ish) you should be able to gain initial access. If this goes well and you can show that you can independently and adequately care and provide, then access may be able to morph into future part custody and then potentially full custody if in the best interests of the child.

Here’s the crux. You can sit and post twaddle on Mumsnet, or you can get off your arse and start the pathway to access to your child. It’s up to you. I have a feeling I know which way this will swing though.

Yet my dad expected us to look after him later on. There was always one rule for him and one rule for everyone else.

I don't know if it's even possible to get my daughter back. I don't want to get my hopes up too much. It's infuriating having no legal answers yet.