Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

MyangelAva, I'm very sorry for the events that have brought you here, it is something no woman should have to face. I hope you find some comfort in this thread, I know I found it a lifeline in the early days after my termination.

To answer your ttc question, I wasn't given any advice by my dr, we just started again straight away (although I think you'll need to abstain for a couple of weeks to allow your cervix to close and to avoid possible infection). I think the advice to wait for your first period is premised on the ease of dating but with modern scanning technology I took the view that that was not really necessary.

I'm soo sorry to hear your news life is so cruel, I know what you mean about carrying for the sake of your other child, I often worry that I come across cold when all I'm doing is worrying about everyone else! It's only really now starting to sink in, I'm having trouble sleeping and feel as if I've lost part of myself that will never be fixed. I carry a deep sadness, so deep that I can function still. I also can relate to being surprised by your own strength but I think that comes from being a mum and knowing that we still have other responsibilities which mean we must carry on for their sake.

I would like to thank everyone who replied to my first posts and while this shouldn't have happened to any of us, it is a great comfort to know their are others who understand. I wish you all well and hope eventually our hearts will find away to heal, but our babies never forgotten. Love and hugs to everyone and their angels xx

i echo what ghislane says - we were advised to wait for one cycle before ttc, but my doctor admitted this was for dating purposes. In the event I actually got pregnant straight away with no AF in between (sort of by accident - I definitely am more fertile after a loss, as they say you are) and I'm now 9 weeks. Just had a scan and baby is there although too early to tell if healthy or not.

I would also say try as soon as you feel ready. There is a desperate longing to be pregnant again, but your next pregnancy will be hard now because of all the worry and stress, mixed up with the grief you are feeling for your daughter.

Please don't feel bad about the little girl thing. I have a DD but my most recent lost baby (who also had edwards) was a boy. I feel weirdly sure that he was my only son. Don't know why, and of course I am probably wrong, but I feel really sad about that lost opportunity all the same x

Hi, hope you don't mind me posting, it's been nearly 14 months since I had a termination for Edwards Syndrome, I was 14 weeks pregnant. It is still so hard even to write those words, and I cringe inside.

I used to post on here a lot in the early days after the termination, but then events took over and I discovered that the termination had caused Ashermans Syndrome, scarring of the uterus, thought to be caused by over zealous scraping of the womb during my termination. The past year has been consumed by operations, hormone treatments, failed cycles of IUI and failed IVF. I just feel like my life changed forever the day we decided to have the termination, and I know I won't ever ever get over it, but I just don't think I will ever forgive myself or come to terms with it until I am able to have another baby, which sadly seems is going to be an impossible dream. I just feel so sad, and not a day passes when I don't think of the termination.

I just thought coming on here and being able to communicate with others who have gone through the same thing might help me finally come to terms with thhe termination. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I just wish somehow I could turn back time and change things :(

I agree that we will never get over it as such. I feel like this but am a few years down the line and now feel as if I can live with it if that makes sense. The sadness will always be there and it is really not very long since you had your termination HelenLouisey. I am new to this thread also, when I had my termination 4 years ago I did not know about Mumsnet and had support from ARC and also am American website called Heartbreaking Choice.

It sounds like the stress of ttc has also been very hard on you. I would suggest doing something not connected to ttc at all, something just for you, however small.

I need to also thank people on here for saying hi and welcoming me. A thread that none of us want to be on but sharing experiences will hopefully help us all cope that bit more.

Thank you all for your messages, advice and understanding. It's strange not to be the only one that this has and is happening to and it's nice to have you to listen.

Grandj, congratulations on your pregnancy and I really wish you the best. It must be so nerve racking but I think we have to remember that what happened to us was rare and try to think positive.

Thanks to all of you for your ttc advice- I thought that but then you read articles that give you varying times to wait so it all gets confusing. I think we are going to not prevent a pregnancy now AF has returned and see how it goes. I got a bit obsessive with conceiving my little boy so don't think that's too healthy for me given the grief. Maybe we will start 'trying' (hate that word!) in a few months. I figure that unless you wait years then you'll always have some degree of difficulty with being pregnant.

Bluecat- I said the same to my husband the other day- it feels like I'm missing something that'll I'll never get back. He struggles to understand that but I think it's because our angel babies were a physical part of us. Re 'carrying on', my DH and I have been lighting a candle every Thurs night since Ava was born and remembering her and talking things through. Those nights really help because we set time aside.

Grandj- thank you for understanding- it doesn't make sense but I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Hi helenlouisey, i'm sorry that you have had to go through all that on top of your loss.

It sounds as though you've been on a constant rollercoaster since you lost your baby.. And 14 months is a long time to be on it! Maybe all the bad things you've been going through since your termination has meant that you've had very little breathing room to heal.

I hope things get better soon and remember that to some extent things were out of your control. I would have done anything for my baby girl to have not had Edwards and have a chance of a happy life but there is nothing I could have changed. We suffer now so our babies didn't have to and hopefully in time we will find some sort of peace.

Hi Everyone,

I've not been visiting the thread so much over the last few days but have read this morning and am saddened to see so many new people. Though of course a big welcome to all and I'm very glad that this place can offer some comfort and support. Everytime I read someone's story it brings tears to my eyes. I know that those who haven't been through it can't quite grasp the depth of pain it brings. So this thread is a very important place, to share and grieve and realise that we are not alone.

It's just under 3 weeks until my due date. When I gave birth to Leila on 28th Oct I remember having this desperate feeing that as long as I was pregnant again by her due date then it would help me get though that time. And now of course I know that this is most unlikely. But as each month goes by I feel a little less desperate and a little more like I dont want to rush it. In a way it almost helps to think that I can spend her due date thinking only of her.

Anyway, MyAngelAva, Bluecat, HelenLouisey, Damnyoucomfortzone, I hope you find this thread helpful and I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses.

Love to everyone else, hope you're ok x

Helenlouisey - I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. And it's just unbearably cruel that your termination, which you did out of love and protection for your baby, should have led to so much more difficulty and heartache. I hope you know that you did the best thing you could for your baby and that you had no choice in the matter really.

Cherry, Natz, Flower, just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you on your babies' due dates this coming week. I hope it's as peaceful as it can be.

Thank you Ghislaine, and hugs to Cherry and Flower too. Due date is on Saturday for me. We have arrange for someone to take the kids whilst we visit the cemetry.

I hope everyone is bearing up ok, especially those who have recently joined this thread. All ok here, if not just a bit emotional. Things are getting on top of me and Im cracking a little bit, but have good support from DP and hope I will feel different after Saturday.

Thank you Ghislaine and Natz - I will be thinking of you on Saturday. My due date is a week next Monday and DP has taken the day off so we can do something together as a family. We had Leila cremated and have her ashes at home so have nowhere particular to visit. But we plan on a quiet walk somewhere peaceful.

My days are always the same now, mostly ok with short irregular and fleeting blasts of intense pain and grief. I wonder if that will ever change, I expect as time goes on those episodes will get less frequent. I know they will never go completely.

Ghislaine - how are you getting on? Has the hypnotherapy helped at all?

Flower - I hope your due date passes as peacefully as possible. Thinking of you and hope you're ok.

And everyone else at all stages of grief, lots of love to you. Cherry

Thank you Ghislaine.

Thanks Natz will be thinking of you on saturday x

Thanks Cherry thinking of you, this is such a difficult time x

I have the rest of this week off work and next week, which is probably for the best as I'm finding things hard, I'm ok at home but dealing with people and the slightest stress I crack. We are going to the cotswolds for a long weekend,for some peace in the countryside and plan to remember Isabelle at Gloucester cathedral.

When I think about my due date I realy regret the decisions I made and wish i had done things differently and given birth to her and not listened to the consutant and had the surgicial, i thought it would be for the best but feel guilty and that I let her down by not saying a proper goodbye and giving her a burial, and took the easy option.

Love to everyone else, especially the new people thinking of you, and hope you are getting lots of love and support in real life.
Flower xx

Thanks for asking after me. I'm actually finding the hypnotherapy very helpful. The first few sessions were about working through my feelings about the termination itself and how other people (mostly my family) responded to me afterwards. Now I'm working on being calmer about achieving pregnancy and not being so desperate as the months tick by. It's now the tenth month since my termination so we are beginning to get anxious about the prospects of conceiving again but I feel like I am doing everything I can to help it work so beating myself up over it is pointless. Helenlouisey, I really empathise with what you are going through - I too seem to have started on that treatments path and at the moment it's going nowhere.

Flower, if it's any help, I think it's natural to want to re-write the past - what happened hurts so much that it's normal to think that if you did things differently then it wouldn't hurt so much but I think this thread shows that whatever we did, it's going to hurt. You did what you thought was best for you and for Isabelle at the time, and that's what matters.

Hi Ladies

Sorry I haven't posted for a while - I've been lurking around, mostly due to laptop issues, but also because it's been really hard to put things down in front of me. Have had some deep dark times lately, but this week I feel like I'm climbing out of a black hole. We had our final lot of PM results and were relieved to find there was nothing inherited about Fern's condition and no reason to believe it would happen to us again. Having the final set of results made me feel like no-one can do anything bad to us now because the worst has all happened already.

If I'm honest, I'm avoiding thinking about everything I've been through most of the time and that's helping. Not sure if it's the right thing to do but it's keeping me going for now.

Fern's due date is 19th March and I'm very nervous. We have booked a weekend away as a family which seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I'm worried that it'll make the day more intense and maybe I should be treating it like a normal day.

Love and good thoughts to you all.

Ghislaine, Im glad the hypontherepy is helping. I hope it will help take the stress away from TTC, if that is possible? I was offered some counselling but decided not to take it as I didn't think it would help. Am regretting that decision after this week. I have been crying pretty much every day and am stressed out and really finding it hard to get through the day. Cara's due date is tomorrow and the tension is immense. DP is taking the day off work (as works shifts which cover weekends) and we are going to the memorial garden at the cemetry.

Flower, I feel exactly the same as you with regards to the termination. I regret going down the surgical route now, I wish I had met Cara and said a proper goodbye. We had her cremated but we have no idea where her ashes are as she had a communal cremation with all the other lost babies. The only thing I can think of a possitive is saving our other DD's the pain of knowing mummy was having a baby.

Louzie, I hope the 19th is not too hard for you. I dont think it is possible to treat the due date as a normal day. We are leaving our kids with MIL whilst we visit the cemetry but will be spending a lot of time with them afterwards. I will be thinking of you xx

Hugs to everyone else Ive ot mentioned xx

Oh Natz, I'm sorry to hear it's so rough right now. You know you can still have counselling - whenever you feel you need it, it can be done. One thing we have talked about in my sessions is the decision-making process surrounding the termination which helped me to accept that what I decided to do (and how) at that point in time was right for everyone involved. Can you find out some details about Cara's ashes from your PALS service or the bereavement midwife at your hospital?

I think I have gleaned from your posts that you are religious? As the Quakers say, I am "holding you and Cara in the light". I have found that a very comforting image when I think about my baby.

Hello to Louzie, I've been wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time, but glad you might be coming out of it. For what it's worth, I think going away for the weekend on Fern's due date sounds like a great idea. I've found that trips away are so helpful, maybe because it's nice to have time away from home (where it all happened) and to feel a bit like celebrating the lives of our lost babies, as well as feeling all the grief that we do the rest of the time.

Natz, sorry it's so hard at the moment. I will be thinking of you and Cara tomorrow. If you can face it, the bereavement midwife at your hospital might (as ghislane says) be able to give you some help with where Cara's ashes are. Our first lost baby had a communal cremation at the hospital and all the ashes are scattered at the children's garden there. It's a peaceful place, and somehow it's nice to think of all those little ones being together.

Love also to all the newbies. Hope you are as ok as you can be while it's all so raw xx

i had my 12 week scan last monday, found a large Exompholos , so went to cambridge for another scan and had a cvs done as my risk was 1 in 5 for edwards, got my results on 28th feb 2011, it was edwards, was booked in tues 1st march to see dr and midwifes to book me in for abortion, was put to sleep on wednesday 2nd march 2011, and still can't stop crying. why me i am 29

Hey Gillianread.....I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. I too had bad news at my 12 wk scan (a high NT) turned out this was due to a diaphragmatic hernia, this in short meant the baby could live in the womb but would most certainly die after birth. I had a termination at 17 weeks on the 4th of Feb.

I don't know how to make it better......But i do know how you feel. It isn't fair and you don't deserve this....No-one does i suppose we just have to find some acceptance. Have you got lots of support? I find reading these posts very helpful as i felt like i was the only person in the world and the most unluckiest and while this should never happen to anyone it is comforting to know that you are not alone. xxxxxx

gillianread Im so sorry for your loss. These are very early days, the tears will flow for as long as they need to. Sadly there is no answer to your question. I was 29 when we had to say goodbye to our baby too. I know there is nothing that can be said to ease your pain. I just hope you find some comfort here in this thread, in that we all feel your pain and completely understand how you are feeling now and will be feeling in the months to come.
Take support where it is offered and take as much time as you need to grieve and come to accept the events that you have been through. Ths is not an overnight process and is not a straight road. But we will be here as and when you need to talk. I hope you have lots of support in RL, even if you dont want it right now.

Today is Cara's due date, and it has been a mixture of emotions. Being back at the crematorium was such a shock and felt like we had only been there yesterday, not 5 months ago. It really took the wind out of me and I re-lived every emotion I have had since our first scan. Sadly I feel like Im the only one who has these feelings. DP has moved on and no longer grieves as I do. I felt very alone today. But at the same time, the relief of no longer counting down the weeks and days has been very welcome.

I am going to contact the PALS office next week to enquire about where her ashes are as the maternity department at the hospital has now closed. Or I may just contact the crematorium directly.

Thank you to all for your comments leading up to the day. I know there is no magic spell that takes all the pain away after the due date, and am not expecting to stop thinking about her or wishing things had been different. But I am hoping I will be able to look towards the future and accept the fact that we were never going to have our little girl on this earth with us.

Sorry for the lack of personals, I hope you are all ok as can be. xx

I've had a generally rubbish week on and off this week so I haven't posted but just wanted to say that I was thinking of you all and reading your posts. I've just been feeling so sorry for myself and that's really not me!

Natz, I hope today has given you a little bit of the closure of a horrible chapter and it's positive that you can even consider looking to the future.

Gillianread, I'm so sorry for your loss. I found out at 26 weeks that my daughter, Ava, had Edwards and we said goodbye on 20th Jan. At 12 weeks we had a risk of 1:119000 for Edwards, I am 31. You are right, these things shouldn't have happened to us, and they shouldn't happen at all. I try not to think about how unfair it is esp when you look after yourself the whole way through a pregnancy to find out 26 weeks later that it was all for nothing as your baby was so poorly from the very outset. Crying is good and I hope that you have lots of support in RL. I don't think it helps that everything happens so fast as it makes it very difficult for things to sink in.

Natz..I've been thinking about you and Cara today. I hope you have managed to feel peaceful today as that is what I wish for myself as the 19th approaches. Thanks for your thoughts.

Grandj thanks - today I feel like the 19th may be a day for us to just do something nice as a family without concentrating too much on what should have been. I think if I think too much about Fern on that day it will just all become too intense. In a way I wonder if I've made a mistake by planning our trip and should just have taken a sleeping tablet and slept through the day. Then, of course, I feel guilty about feeling that way.

Gillianread - so sorry about your loss. You're right, it isn't fair. There's no two ways about it.

i am going to find it very hard i think, as a mum at school , her girl is in my boys class, she is 30 her scan was on same day as mine, so we were due round same time, so that is going to be very hard watching her get fat and have the baby, i havent asked her wot the due date was, just hope its not 10th sept, or that will kill me

Natz - I hope yesterday wasn't as hard as you anticipated. Or at least that it passed peacefully and you had some good support. I can imagine you must feel such a mix of grief, guilt, anxiety, fear and hope. Love to you.

Ghislaine - I'm glad the hypnotherapy has been positive for you and hope it continues to be so. It's hard not to become anxious about conceiving again but as they say it's best to be relaxed about it. I think its excellent you are taking control and doing something positive. That will surely bring good things.

As the months have gone on for me I've become less obsessed with conceiving and more scared of pregnancy. The thought of being back in that position of worry and anxiety is frightening to me so I feel the sense of urgency has left for the time being. We've booked a holiday in June so we arent even going to try next month for fear of being away when the nuchal scan is due.

Flower - thinking of you this week. Glad you have some time off. I hope you have lots of support around you - lots of love.

Louzie - hello again. I'm glad you're ok and I totally relate to what you say about not allowing your mind to think of everything that's happened. It's a coping mechanism and it gets us through these days and weeks of slowly coming to terms with our loss.

Gillian - sorry to read your story. My due date is a week tomorrow and my friend is due the week after. My friend is having a baby girl and I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks. I should contact her to see how these final weeks are going but I can't bring myself to. It's too painful and I feel any well wishes would just sound hollow. She truly deserves all the happiness her baby girl will bring her, but you know, I deserved that too. I know that my friends happiness isnt going to make my grief worse for my grief is mine no matter what happens to anyone else. So I'm hoping that somehow when the time comes I'll be able to send those good wishes and continue my journey of recovery with hope that the future will bring some happiness and healing for me. There is no rhyme or reason for what happened to you, it just isn't fair but I hope that time will bring you some peace and when the mum at your sons school has her baby you'll somehow be ok.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Love to all x