Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Hi everyone,

Not much time here but wanted to send my thoughts for the due dates that have come up and are coming. I've said it before but the anticipation seems to end up feeling worse than the reality when the day arrives.

I also wanted to say how sorry I am to GillianRead. Agree with the others, it is impossible to see why these things happen. I had it happen twice and felt doubly cursed, and still have no idea why. Eventually I reached the not very happy conclusion that healthy babies are a miracle.

Louzie, it's good to hear from you. And Cherry, I was terrified of getting pregnant too, and yet desperate - in a not very healthy way - I think you are reaching a more healthy stage than I ever got to.

Ghislaine, are you having more IUI? I wish you the best of luck with that - assisted conception is so hard, I imagine. On that note, I wonder how Allways is and if you are reading, I am thinking of you.

Grand - how are you doing? are there impending scans?

Hi everyone,

Natz Sorry that you feel alone, I think that men grieve differently because it all happens to our bodies i think we feel it more. DH said to me at the weekend that he does not cry like i do but he still thinks about Isabelle, he lit the candle for her at Gloucester cathedral.

Cherry thank you, and thinking of you over the coming weeks, hope they are peaceful for you x

Gillian sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. It is unfair - not for anything we did or did not do, or could have done, it is just so very unfair. I think Cant sums it up well in stating that healthy babies are a miracle.

Louize thinking of you with your due date coming up, I hope you will have a peaceful time.

We went away this weekend which i found was good to get away from where it all happened, and also it was for Dh birthday which was yesterday. We had a lovely day Sat and yesterday i cried alot, we went for a long walk, the sun shone and there were lots of flowers that made me smile, its funny how the simple things can have such an effect. Today was my due day and i feel sad and empty and relief too. I think the build up to today, the counting down to it has been all consuming for me, has been worse than the actual day.

MyangelAva thinking of you, its all so new and raw for you at the moment.

Love to everyone x

Hello, just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words of support and messages for Saturday. It's surprising how much the due date took out of me physically. Ive been having naps during the day when DP is home because I feel completely exhausted. I know it could also be due to the pregnancy, but also I hardly slept for about 2 weeks as my mind would not stop ticking over.

Flower, Im glad you were able to get away and that you spent the day with DH. It's difficult to celebrate (your husbands birthday) whilst mourn the loss of Isabelle. I hope you were able to relax on your weekend away.
I understand the feeling of relief now that the due day has finally arrived. The weeks leading up to Cara's due date were agony. I was in emotional turmoil. But the day itself was not as bad as the build up. I no longer look at my calendar and think about how many weeks along I would be, I no longer feel the guilt of carrying our tiny baby that is inside me now, as if it is an intruder to where Cara should have still been. And dare I say it, but I am actually feeling twinges of excitement when I think about what - hopefully - is in store in the coming months.

Helenlouisey, how are you? I hope everone who is coming up their due date, Cherry, Louzie are coping ok. I am nowhere near 'back to normal' but it feels like I have reached a milestone of some sort and am moving further past the raw emotion of our loss. I hope you too will get some sense of relief or release.

Love to everyone and sorry for the lack of personals. Still thinking of you all, especially those new to this thread and at the start of their grief. Sending everyone strength and comfort xxx

Thank you Flower. I'm glad that today went as well as it could xx

Hi ladies. Just popping on to here to say hello to all, and sending you all the biggest of internet hugs for the sad and difficult times you are going through.
It's my Daisy's second anniversary today, and I'm taking some flowers to the crem later. I don't have the luxury of much time to wallow today...though I think I need it. For those of you who don't know me, I got pregnant on the first cycle after losing Daisy, and am blessed with a baby boy (now a whopping 13 months). But I think I suppressed the sadness and the loss, and it's rather as though I stuck a plaster on it: it's ok from the outside but not so good underneath. At some point in the future I need to take that 'plaster' off and address how I really feel.
Next Monday is my angel Amy's 7th anniversary. More flowers to take. I'm not a big fan of March.

I wish I had more time in life to come on to this thread and support you all - Mumsnet helped me through a tough time, and I was amazed at the kindness of random strangers who sent their love and thoughts to me.

I had a hard moment in Boots at the weekend, when I saw some premature baby clothes on sale there. The sheer smallness of them stopped me in my tracks, and it was like being hit by a wall of emotion. My Daisy and Amy were so much smaller than those clothes. Too tiny and fragile to dress. I miss them so.

Phew. Big breath, and on with life. Gotta go, but love to you all.

Lins xxx

Hello all,

Have been meaning to join this group for a while, it will be 3 weeks tomorrow that my tiny little boy Indy was still born at 19 weeks 6 days (after being induced due to having 'no chance at life', due to not having developed kidneys).

We named him Indy and for some reason I listened to The Killers album 'Hot fuss' at the weekend and now have the song 'Indie rock and roll' in my head, doh.

This was our first baby, and I had wanted to try for ages, but with moving to Aus, travelling on way etc the timing wasn't right, and hubby wasn't so keen (we are 27 and 28). Anyhoo, he gave me the green light for Nov and we were v v lucky that we conceived on first month of trying. Everything had gone crazily well, no sickness etc (and now looking back, not much of a bump- due to no fluid around baby rather than my stomach muscles (which are crap) being particularly strong as I naively thought!) but then all went horribly wrong at 20 week scan. Still not sure I can believe it, if you know what I mean.

(I live in Adelaide, so times of posting may look a little crazy btw.)

So now I have a 2 and half weeks before I go back to work (teaching- can't say I am looking forward to the unpredictable teenage questions, all staff and most students knew). I took a few weeks off as did not want to go back to teaching a yr 11 Ethics unit (how to make an ethical decision, when is a life a life etc)- I'm an RE teacher. As thought that would be a bad idea.

All I can think about is when can we try again? I am so impatient at the best of times with 'waiting and seeing' so am finding this v hard. One Doc said to wait 3 months, to build up nutrients etc again, and hubby has this time frame in his head now, but I know it sounds stupid but I just want to try sooner... maybe after one cycle? Any advice ladies?

The first stage autopsy has shown no other abnormalities and therefore seems unlikely it is genetic and could happen again... they won't be able to tell us for sure so will just get extra scans etc. I can't possibly imagine going through this again, but then can't imagine not having baby so gotta try i suppose.

Sorry for hijacking thread with own stuff here, and no comments to anyone else. Will try better next time... hugs to all,
CE x

Linspins - thanks for looking in on us and I hope you had a peaceful day on Tuesday. In the immediate days after my baby girl was born at 20 weeks back at the end of October, I couldnt sleep and spent hours reading back over all the threads on this site. I read right back to the beginning and so know what you went through and I'm very sorry for your losses. It's lovely to hear that your little one is now 13 months and I'm sure is the light of your life. But I can imagine that no matter how much time goes by you never stop missing your other children.

Cremegg - Sorry to hear of your loss. It's so recent and I'm sure you must still be in shock at the terrible journey you have been on. This thread has been very valuable to me as sometimes it's just so reassuring to know that you arent alone with the feelings you are having and that they are normal. The urge to get pregnant again is pretty overwhelming and seems to be the case for most women who have been through what we have. I was told that we could try straight away though it would be preferable to wait for my first period just for dating purposes. I think if you are ready and your husband is ready there is no need to wait. Keep taking your vitamins/folic acid anyway so that your body does have what it needs.

Hope everyone else is okay - Louzie I know it was your due date recently, I hope it was a peaceful day. Mine was Monday and I found it ok, it rained all day which was a shame as I'd hoped we'd get to go for a nice walk somewhere but we spent the day keeping busy. As there are no memories for the due date (only what if's) I didnt find it as hard as I thought. I suspect my baby's anniversary will be much much harder but that is a while away.

Love to all

Hi Cremegg, I wanted to post back to you - firstly to say so sorry for the loss of your little Indy, it's such a sad and overwhelming thing, sending you hugs out to Oz. xx But I also wanted to add a little about when to conceive - having done it both ways! After I lost my little one Amy, my first pregnancy and very much longed for and planned, I was keen to try right away. I can't remember exactly, but I think we waited for the first cycle to be over with, just to know all my body was back to 'normal'. However, try as we might it didn't happen, and thus ensued a year of monthly disappointments. Within this time, after 6 months, I hit rock bottom emotionally, with the loss and not conceiving again being too much to bear. I started some counselling, and some months later I had a day when suddenly I felt more at peace with what had happened. I can pin point that day and the feeling of warm (imaginary) sun breaking through a cloud to shine on me and tell me it would be ok. Soon after that I fell pregnant with my lovely girl, now 4 and a half. I think I almost needed that time before to work through issues and come to terms with 'stuff' - but it was a hard wait.
After the loss of my 3rd baby, Daisy, I was all consumed with NEEDING another baby, and actually fell pregnant after the first cycle, which led to my darling boy, now 13 months. But I found I couldn't grieve and be pregnant at the same time - my brain refused to compute feelings of loss and sadness when there was new life growing again. So I am aware that there may be unresolved feelings. Possibly just by being aware of this will mean they won't leap out to bite me until I am ready to deal with it - but I also sometimes worry that the underlying sadness brings a slight heaviness to my life that needs addressing.
So, no idea what I'm actually trying to say apart from make sure you give yourself a little space to grieve, come to terms with your loss, and talk, talk and talk if you need to, and maybe achieve a little peace (or 'closure' as an american might say, although I don't think that's ever really possible!)
My midwife who counselled me through the second loss said that a woman's body is more likely to fall pregnant immediately after another pregnancy, and is more receptive...I don't know if this is true but it worked for me. Good luck if you decide to go for it.
Please hang out here and let us know how you are.

Cherrybug, it's touching to think that you've read all about me. I'm always thinking of you all on here, and feel a bit guilty that I don't provide more support, but I find I need to keep a bit of an emotional lid of things, just to get through everyday life with 2 children. I'm very grateful to come here at crucial times to write to people who truely understand.

Love to all. Lins xxx

Hi to all. I've been wanting to join this thread for a while but am not often on mn. I posted a little last year when I found out my little boy had Edward's at 20 weeks and we terminated the pregnancy on 28th November. I recognise some names of those who supported me through my heartbreak and am really touched to read how you are supporting each other through these hard times especially as due dates are coming and going.
It's such an awful thing to go through but so helpful to chat to people who are at different stages. I think this thread is wonderful. I hope I can add something to it. xx

hi erinh i had an abortion on 2nd march 2011 as my 12 week baby had edwards, it had its insides all growing out of body, thats how i had a cvs as 30% have edwards or something

Hi everyone,

I wrote a message yesterday and my broadband went down and I lost it. I can't really remember now what I wrote. Grrr. Anyway trying again today!

Hope everyone is well. Linspins - I hope that Monday passed by peacefully for you. Another March nearly over.

Erin - this thread has certainly been a huge help to me. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I know your approaching due date will be difficult. I actually found mine not too bad in the end. It hits me at other times. At the end of the day there are no memories on that particular day, just what ifs. But still an emotional hurdle over which I'm glad about.

Flower, Ghislaine - how are you both? this thread has been fairly quiet lately. I know sometimes there is just nothing else to say really that hasn't been said. But still thinking of you and hope you are both well.

Louize - I hope your due date was ok and that it helped you being away for the weekend. Was thinking of you.

I'm ok, it's been a strange time for me and I've been hanging around on the sister thread a little more as I found out 2 days before my due date that I was pregnant. Very unexpected, very shocking and has thrown me into a state of real fear and denial. I haven't told anyone yet apart from OH and 2 very close friends. So, whilst I'm of course very pleased, I feel shellshocked and in a way it has brought into stronger focus my grief as I know this baby is not the baby I lost and I so wish she could have been with me.

Anyway I've been thinking of everyone and wondering how everyone is doing. Especially those TTC and those whose loss is so recent. Lots of love to you all.

Cherrybug,
A quiet congratulations to you and your OH. I bet it was a real shock. Your post made me think about my experience that I wanted to share; I appreciate that everyone is different, but thought this may help: I had an early miscarriage (12 weeks) about 2 years ago and actually found it a comfort to conceive again before the due date. It had nothing to do with replacement but when I look at my beautiful 19 month old I think that if I hadn't miscarried then he would not be here. I find it a real comfort.
I considered about ttc before the due date of my last pregnancy which ended at 23weeks in November but decided against it. It was such a totally different experience for me and so traumatic that dealing with another pregnancy was something I decided I didn't want to do. I wonder that instead of focusing you on your grief and the daughter you lost, that you could find comfort in the fact that this baby would never have been possible without the loss of your dd. xx

It feels so quiet here, so many people are silent. I hope you are all okay out there.

Lins, good to hear from you again, and Erin - your words to Cherry were very wise, and chime with what I've experienced too. I guess I was just so grateful to be pregnant again and to have a healthy baby that I've tried to focus on that as a blessing rather than on the fact that I couldn't have this child without having lost the other two first. But they will always be intertwined in some way in my head. Cherry, you sound so sane and wise.

It is more than 2 years since my first termination, and will in a few months be 2 years since my second. I have had a healthy baby since then who will soon be one. And yet - I will never forget my two lost little girls.

I really hope the quiet people are just busy, or not in a good place to post, rather than struggling.

Hi everyone.
Havent been on MN much lately, dont have much to say, or thats very positive. I feel so sad for the new people, it feels like too many people have to go through this. Ive lost a sense of that people have healthy babies, im so worried and anxious that things will go wrong again, and worried and anxious that im not pregnant again, it feels very selfish and indulgent. dh says should be thankful for what we have got and be happy. I just want my much longed for baby, to be a mother is not too much to ask for.
Passing Isabelle's due date was a turning point, though i still wake up most mornings and think this shouldn't be my life, things should be different i should be looking after my baby. I'm finding im grieving not for Isabelle so much but because im not pregnant, because being a mother seems so far off.
Sorry for the rant and lack of personals, much love xx

Flower, it sounds like we are in the same place.

I too feel like motherhood is eluding me. The void from the termination has really just been replaced by the void of TTC struggles. I feel that I can't post in assisted conception threads, because technically, I'm not infertile. And I worry that I'll get a less than sympathetic response because of it (similar to Kitten's concerns expressed in the other thread). There does seem to be a lot of "down's isn't a good enough reason for a termination" sentiment on MN. I feel that I can't post in the sister thread either because it's not really the TTC itself that's difficult for most people but rather fears about when you get pregnant (not if). Or fears about the pregnancy, which I am really beginning to panic about not achieving ever again. I am sure no-one really wants to hear that that aching desperate need to be pregnant again after termination might not be filled all that quickly.

Perhaps Peanuthead and I need our own thread: "Women facing fertility struggles after a termination for abnormalities". It's a lonely place but not one I would hope to see people in.

I am so sorry for all the new mothers who have found their way here & I hope you do find some solace here where you can talk about your babies and your feelings to people who know what it is like. The isolation of our experience is just another part of the cruelty of it all.

Ach Ghislaine, I feel the same. My issues have become so bloody complicated. Can't post in in TTC I'm so beyond TTC(and I am most def infertile - just had failed DE cycle) can't post in the sister thread here as it has become too painful as everyone has had babies and got past the pg stages - it's a bit too much like RL. ANd then there's my second trimester mc - what's that go under - can't go in the MC thread as I (sadly) have utterly no sympathy for 1st tri MCs (unless of course they are recurrent - and I don't mean 2. That's the kind of person I have become. Hard and nasty)

I no longer lurk on here either as it's so long ago since my heart baby (well 18months anyway, he would have been 1 last week) just happened to be passing. The first anniversary of my 19 week mc is coming up soon. Every thread I go on I think something like " well at least you can get pg again.." or "at least if you do ever get pg you'll probably carry it" and I hate being such a bitter old bag.

I do have my gorgeous DD and I am so blessed but my marriage is now on its last legs and I have lost so many friends and all my mojo. ANd all i want is another baby and I don't understand why I'm being punished.

Monkeybumsmum was in a similar postion ie fertility problems and also a couple of terminations I think.

Gosh it's nice to offload - havent' done it anywhere in months...

I feel something of a fraud commenting here, as have not struggled with infertility and hence have no idea how it feels. I also know that my method of coping after each termination was to get pregnant again, and being pregnant again (even though it failed after the first loss) was very therapeutic for me, even though I was terrified. So I don't feel equipped to say much to you here struggling with infertility after the terminations - seems like a double blow and very unfair.
I am specially sorry to hear of failed assisted conception attempts and I really hope your next will be successful.

In terms of judging, people shouldn't judge till they've lived through it themselves, and even then not... but Mumsnet does have a very judgey side, more than RL IME in some ways.

I really hope this thread brings some good news soon.

hello. i've been lurking on this thread since i had an amnio last week (and on the main boards people were really suppportive and kind to me - thank you). this is going to be a me post so i truly apologise for that in advance :(

we had a very high risk NT scan, with a nuchal measurement of 7.4mm, and risk of 1:5 of DS. we had the call last week that our baby does indeed have DS and since then my world has fallen apart.

you must all realise why i'm posting on here, after a horrible heartbreaking weekend talking over every possible scenario with my DH, we decided that the best thing for our family at this time would be to end the pregnancy :( we have 2 boys to consider (one of whom was 9.5 wks premature and has his own limitations as a result). although if you had asked me a couple of months ago, hell, even 2 weeks ago if i would end a pregnancy EVER i would have said no. i am torturing myself with thinking about my baby, even though i do know in my heart of hearts that i have made the right decision for my family, it is breaking my heart having to have made that decision.

right now i'm in complete zombie-mode....kind of like an out of body experience....this isn't happening to me. we went to the hospital today and took 'the tablet' to trick my body into thinking it's going into labour and to give up my baby - we have to go back in on wednesday for them to start the contractions. i'm so scared about everything right now. i will be 17wks on wednesday. i don't know whether to see the baby or not. i don't know whether to find out the sex. i don't know if the induced labour will hurt? how will i feel? will the MW be understanding of our situation or will she judge me. i'm so scared and can't stop crying because i SO want this baby. but i've had to be 'unselfish' and 'brave' as people keep calling me, and think about my family and what effect it would have on us. we had a MC back in Oct at 9wks so that is still raw in my mind too, and i thought this was our take-home baby.

sorry again for the me-post. i'm just unsure of everything right now, and in that inbetween place where nothing is what it seems. xxx

Hello mrsbigz first of all I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. I had a termination at 17 weeks at the beginning of Feb. I think once you have been told that horrid news which leads to an end of a much wanted pregnancy everything seems to happen so fast. We were in the next day for the tablet and it felt strange going home knowing what I had taken. It's a horrible decision but no-one unless in your position could make that choice. If it helps at all we were initially told at the nt scan we had a high risk of downs and we felt the same as you, however it was actually another fatal abnormality which led us here.

My experience of the MW was that they were soo kind and understanding and looking back I think I felt like I didn't deserve it as my baby had a 5-10% chance of survival, but we like you had another child to consider. I too did not know whether to see the baby or find out the sex and initially told the MW I didn't want too. I did however see my little boy and they left him with us for quite a while, we even got a picture and a memory box the hospital gave us.....For me I am glad that I did but it's a very personal choice. Labour wasn't pleasant to be perfectly honest. They will however offer you any pain relief you like. I did not feel like it was happening to me either and it is probably only now that it is really all sinking in.

Best advice i can give you is be kind to yourself, don't expect to feel a certain way and don't feel bad if you don't feel the way you think you should. It's a mindfield of emotions right now and I hope you are getting lots of support in R/L.

Will be thinking of you on Wednesday xxxx

Hi everyone

Cherrybug - thanks so much for the thoughts, I was thinking of you too and I'm really pleased to hear your lovely news. I can understand why you feel conflicted, I'm still thinking about whether or not we'll try again. I'm not sure if there will ever be a right time - it's bound to be a stressful time, but it will be so so worth it. I know this baby will not replace your little lost one.

Fern's due date was as peaceful as possible - we had a lovely long weekend away and had great family time. If I'm honest, we got through it by not thinking too hard about what should have been and not talking about it. I feel a bit guilty about it, but if we'd talked or thought about Fern too much I would have gone to pieces and I can't do that right now.

NatzCNL I know what you mean about reaching a milestone - I feel that way too. It's a relief to get past the 19th. I felt like I was struggling for a while but I'm a bit more 'at peace' now. My babies have always been overdue and so I know Fern wouldn't have been born on the 19th, and in fact yesterday I could really feel her around us all day so I wonder if that's when she would have arrived. It was a nice feeling though - not as painful as I would have expected.

Cremegg - Fern also had bilateral renal agenesis so I can completely sympathise with the loss of precious Indy. Similarly we have been told it was not an inherited condition (I already have 3 daughters and was petrified that one of them might be carrying a condition unknown to us). Fern was born on 26th November and I've just had my first af and thinking/stressing over whether we want to try again. Our horrible situation led to us booking the holiday of a lifetime to Brisbane in July and in fact we're considering emigrating - life's too short to put things off now.

Flower11 - I understand what you mean about grieving about not being pregnant. I feel that often - I miss Fern desperately, but possibly more than that I feel empty inside and it hurts really badly to not be pregnant. I just got past my due date so I hope that pain will ease. Finding it hard to be around heavily pregnant women or newborns right now though.

Ghislaine and Peanuthead I'm so sad to read how alone you feel and I wish I had words of comfort. Ghislaine I think it's awful that you feel judged elsewhere on MN and really hope you don't feel that here. Peanuthead you've been through such a terrible time and I'm sorry that personally things are difficult. I hope you feel able to offload here whenever you need to.

Mrsbigz I'm sorry you have found yourself here in such difficult, tragic circumstances. For me it helped to take this process one simple step at a time. For some weeks it was easier to break the day around into the easiest of stages - getting out of bed is one of its own. It helped me to make plans for when Fern was born. We knew we wanted to see her, but you can decide what's right for you at the time. I wanted to make a blanket for her, and record her hand, foot and fingerprints, take photos etc and I guess all of that gave me a focus. You'll know what's right at the time and just go with how you feel. Most of all, be gentle to yourself. I hope your midwives will be as amazingly understanding as mine were.

Well ladies, apologies for the mammoth post. It's taken me a while to get the time to write all this down. I feel this week like I'm finally climbing out of my deep dark black hole but I'm scared in case another dive down is just around the corner!

Sending good thoughts to all of you xx

oh gosh, I've not been on here in months but your post brought it all back, mrsbigz. I remember that dreadful numb feeling: you are in the waiting time for something you never wanted to choose but had to choose one way or the other, and there is no right decision, just what works for you and your family, and even what works for your unborn baby.

My own experience was a couple of years ago now, but I found it helpful to talk to the hospital chaplain, she was very calming and helpful. My induced labour was nowhere like a term labour; I was induced at 16wks but as it turns out my baby had already died so was perhaps a little smaller. I think I had a couple of paracetamol and used my TENS machine but I believe others on here have also had morphine/equivalent. Our MW was very very sympathetic, and we had a nice room slightly apart from the labour rooms. DH was with me the whole time. If you're not sure about seeing your baby, you could ask the midwife to describe them to you, or ask for photos to be taken afterwards which you could then choose to see. The hospital will probably let you spend as long as you want with your little one if you do choose to see them. You might also like to take things to leave with your baby such as a tiny blanket or teddy - I was advised to have two of these things, so I still have my other bunny to remind me of little Iola.

Finally, I found it best of all to be able to come onto this thread and know that other people KNEW what it was to live through this, the sadness that is all-consuming, the guilt as the intensity of the sadness starts to fade (as it will, hard though it seems now), and the soft lingering sorrow for that little one we didn't ever know in this life. Just come on here and write it down; it helps.

hi all, just wanted to say a big thank you to those who posted back to me, your words are so kind and helpful, I've re read them several times!

I am totally with you on the mourning the not being pregnant bit anymore, at first I would actually forget (as if the whole scenario had happened to someone else) and would say things like 'when i go on maternity leave...' then it would all come back.

it will be 4 weeks on thurs since Indy was born (was only 2 weeks when i first posted on here, not 3). If I am honest the only thing that has kept me going is the idea that we will try again, it definitely does consume you as others have said, I literally cannot imagine how hard it must be if it doesnt happen.

the other hard thing I have found is things like realising we wont have a baby in 2011 to take home iyfswim. it adds to the difficulty knowing no matter what we do, it wont be this year that we will be parents.

trying to look on positive (well on the surface i think) is that we also booked a holiday for July, we are going to Queensland too louz. The holiday my DH wanted to do in July before I got pg, and then realised we couldnt when that became our due date. So at least now we will be away together over that time, and in my head Im thinking, maybe I'll be pg by then... tho really should learn not to get too carried away. (nearly wrote 'count chickens'.... how sadistic that saying seems now may I say)

in terms of labour experience, i took full advantage of the pain killers (i asked for some paracetamol and the m/w actually said 'do you want anything stronger'? hell yeh!) i was 19weeks 6 days and found it started like period pain, and i think my worrying about what was happening made it seem worse than it was, hence the painkillers. when it got really bad (48 hrs of mifoprostal & misoprostal later (spelling all wrong I am sure!) I was given the clicky pain killer, something related to morphine, which was great apart from when having contractions, but they only lasted 2 hrs or so and then was all over, and from a pain perspective that all ended immediately after the birth. it never got as bad as i imagined it i think, and midwives were amazing.

anyway, thank you again for the space to just let it all out, reading others experiences has been so helpful to me.
love to all, CE xx

Hi Mrs Bigz. i am sorry that you are here and that you are in this position. I have had two terminations at 26 weeks for a heart problem and at 13 weeks for T21 and a hygroma/hydrops. In my experience the midwives do not judge and are extremely supportive. I had morphine at 26 weeks and it took 10 hours in the labour ward. I had the 13 week baby on my own in epu. I had no drugs and it took two hours. I cried most of the way through it and the nurses on the ward were really really supportive. I was extremely scared both times but particularly the one i did on my own (was worried about rupture of cs scar). It is such a horrible decision to make that the labour was a relief and I look back on it as bittersweet.

You will decide whether you want to see your baby but personally I have found it helped a lot to see both babies and I had photos of each. with the boy I could see his hydrops which helped immensely as I would wonder in a panic that they might have it wrong with the heart baby. i have never ever thought that with him and I think it's because I could see the problem.

I also took two bunnies for the heart baby, one was cremated with her and the other we kept. i have a memory box with photos, medical reports, footprints etc.

MrsBigz - I 'know' you from your other thread and I'm very sorry that you have found yourself here. I hope that this thread brings you comfort in some way to know that others understand what you are going through and can offer words of support and empathy without any judgement. You are in a lose/lose situation and it's so very cruel to have to bear the weight of such responsibility. I absolutely believe that noone knows what they will do until they are actually in this position, despite what they think. People are very fond of saying they wouldn't end a pregnancy no matter what or they wouldnt end it if it was 'just' downs. This is very easy to say from a distance. There is a real difference between theory and reality and most people are lucky in that they never have to truly know what decision they would actually make. Noone has the right to judge and in that respect dont be hard on yourself. The decision you have made is out of love, for your baby and for your family. That's why it hurts so much.

I was 20 weeks when my baby girl was born. My midwife was wonderful, she went through it emotionally with us and was fighting back the sobs when our daughter was born. This meant such a lot to me as she truly empathised. Other midwives we saw afterwards varied, all were very nice but some I felt were going through the motions somewhat. We had an awful moment in that the bounty woman came chirpily into the room at one point asking if we wanted to arrange to have the bounty photos once our baby was born. Clearly a disasterous lack of communication between the ward staff! We held our baby afterwards, stayed the night with her in a special family room and had hand/foot prints and photos. We left a photo in the moses basket of her big sister and a teddy we'd brought for her. I am very very grateful for this time, but everyone is different. I think as Louize says, at the time you will know what feels right for you to do. I also remember being so so scared and after she was born the grief and heartbreak and love I felt for her were overwhelming but the fear was gone. And that was a relief. I hope wednesday is physically straightforward and you get lots of support. Use this thread as much as you need in the days and weeks ahead. Will be thinking of you.

Ghislaine and Peanuthead - I'm so sorry that things are so unfair and difficult and seem so unsurmountable. It must be so hard to struggle with fertility problems on top of everything else. I know I can't imagine what that must be like and I hope that it changes for you both. It must be very isolating and I really wish I could offer some comfort (and wave a magic wand). Words sound very empty especially when I know I've been fortunate. But I truly hope things become more positive very soon.

Louzie, glad your weekend away was the right thing for you to do and went well. It's good that you feel like a hurdle is over in some ways. Thanks for your well wishes too. I realise how fortunate I am though of course frightened. Your holiday sounds wonderful and something really positive to look forward to and plan for.

Flower - I hope that your TTC jouney will be over soon and you'll get that positive test. I know when TTC it does seems that it's not going to happen but it hasn't been that long for you and I hope it won't be much longer. Someone said to me when I felt very low that I should think of the things I was thankful for (like your DH has said). I felt at first really irked at the suggestion which I thought was pretty patronising. But I actually did it that evening and it did make me feel a little better. My usual coping mechanism in difficult times is to try and be philosophical. Sometimes that works but sometimes it's better to stamp your feet and scream 'its not fair'. And that helps too. I've been thinking of you and hope that things change for you soon.

I feel I shouldnt go on much more as this is epic already! But briefly, Cremegg I'm glad this thread is helpful. It's certainly been a big help to me and continues to be so.

Finally, Can't and Erin, many thanks for the well wishes and words of reassurance, I found them very helpful.

Love to all

hello,

just a quick post from me to say thank you all SO much for sharing your stories with me about what to expect tomorrow. although i'm still scared, your honesty and bravery going through the same thing is an inspiration and i'm so grateful you took the time to write it down for me to read (which i have, over and over). i think i'm ready to be 'out' of this limbo, and although have no delusions about the effect tomorrow will have on me and my dh, at least then we will be able to properly start the grieving process together.

sorry this has been another me post, i'm not in a fit state to make comments on other peoples posts right now, but i will when i'm ready. thank you once again for your support - amazing support from a group of ladies i barely know. i really do appreciate you all at this time xxx