Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I am sorry for everyone that has been through this. It does help to feel that other people know how I feel.

Manitz I cannot believe you have been through this twice, that is more than any person should have to go through. You must be one strong woman.

Flower I am so sorry for your loss of Isabelle. When you said about releasing her and taking on the pain yourself, that is so exactly how I feel. I felt it would be more selfish to keep going and her suffering to increase because I didn't want to let her go. I am so glad you feel six months in things are getting easier.

ghislane I am shocked by how overwhelming the urge for a pregnancy is. I have never felt anything like it, we have been lucky and conceived our children easily. It is so hard to know that I cannot attempt to conceive for a while. It is hard to truly understand if we were lucky enough to get pregnant the baby at the end would not be her. It is maybe good for me to come to terms with what has happened first.

It is exactly 4 weeks today since Alexandra was born, I find fridays hard as I sit and think about the fact that this time 4 weeks ago I was holding her.

Can I ask did anyone feel guilty for doing normal things? I have to keep life normal for our other children, all the mundane household things still have to get done. I will then feel awful and think how can I be ironing normally or taking the kids to soft play etc when she is dead. I feel like I should be weeping and falling apart but I know in reality I can't do that. I had one day this week that I could not cry and I felt awful. I feel like I want to be upset because it shows that I still love and miss her. If I feel ok it feels like a betrayal. I am not sure if I am coming across as quite mental, apologies if that is the case!

Hello, goinguphill, I am so sorry that you have lost Alexandra. And how unlucky too to have had a CS scar rupture and an EMCS.

I have lost 2 babies - at 13 and 20 weeks - to conditions incompatible with life (different ones) and thus have terminated twice. I still struggle to believe that I did this, and it's been years since I lost my two babies.

I just wanted to say, briefly, that I understand the tension between holding it together for DC (and feeling guilty about that) and needing to cry. I remember, the day after I lost my second angel, we went to Toysrus with DD1. It felt utterly wrong and surreal to be doing that, and carrying on, as though the world should have stopped when my baby did.

I got pregnant again soon after both losses. The first time, it ended with the second termination, at 20 weeks. The second time, I managed to have a healthy baby, now nearly 10 months. Had either of my lost babies made it, I wouldnt have her, and that is unthinkable now. But it also makes me feel guilty in a way. Mind you, motherhood is always hand in hand with guilt in some ways, anyway.

I think guilt goes with the territory. What we did goes against every instinct and feels so wrong, even though it wasn't and isn't.

Time does make things easier. But IME the whole experience of loss like this profoundly changes how you see everything, including yourself. Cuddle your DC closer, let the normality be for now (there is so much time ahead in which you can and will cry) and take each day as it comes.

Oh and post here, cos people get it...

Goingdownhill - just a comment on wanting to be pregnant again. After having Leila I felt an overwhelming need to get pregnant again as soon as possible (she was born 28th Oct). And since then we've been TTC but I think that the initial desperateness has changed into something else now and isn't quite so overwhelming. I suppose despite wanting to fall pregnant again as soon as possible, each unsuccessful month gives me a little more time to come to terms with losing my baby girl and also another month to prepare for a pregnancy which if does happen will bring with it a whole host of fear and anxiety. And I need to have strength for that.

Anyway, I know most of us have this strong feeling and want to try again as soon as we can. And often those in RL just cant understand it. Dont feel guilty about that, it's normal, you are not trying to replace Alexandra. In time, as you come to terms with your loss those feelings may subside a little.

Love to all x

hi there. i was going to post and say there are a few of us on here who have done this twice and now you can see that from Can't. I'm not particularly strong. Neither of them seem real to me now, just a horrible dream. I guess having other children has meant a bit of repression and denial for me as i had to carry on normally. I think that guilt after anyone has died for carrying on with life is a common feeling in bereavement, not just babies and not just terminations.

I think it is nice to be normal if you can. I also agree with the fact that you take on the pain. i've always felt the better option for me would have been to continue the pregnancy. I would love to be pregnant again but I agree with cherrybug, less of a need than it was immediately after the termination it's not a bad thing to have a bit of time to heal, mentally and physically. x

goingdownhill, just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. It look me a few months after my termination to post on these threads, but I found it very helpful when I did, knowing that I wasn't alone. I hope you've got some decent family and friends support.

Sorry, took.

Hello, Also just popping on to say I have been thinking of you too Goingdownhill. I have been keeping an eye on this thread and just wnted to say hello to everyone as I rarely post on here anymore. You are all still in my thoughts a lot.

I think about Cara every day, her due date is looming and Im dreading the day. We have framed and put her certificate up on the wall as I want people to remember she was here once. Some days I feel like Im the only one who remembers, but I understand that people just dont have anything to say and nothing new to offer.

Ghislaine, how is everything going with you? I hope the hypnotherepy is helping? Cherry and Flower, I hope things are feeling a bit more positive for you. Hello to everyone else xx

That is very true Natz, about people not having anything new to say. Sometimes I feel like that myself, but as I'm not pregnant again (just had a failed IUI) it's where I am right now. It is all receding into the distance and I just hope it won't be my only experience of being pregnant.

I think the build-up to the due date was worse than the day itself. Be kind to yourself. Creating a memorial of sorts is a very powerful urge. I feel the need to do that too but sometimes I also feel that others will think that my termination was selfish and I have no right to grieve over it or memorialise the baby as T21 isn't incompatible with life. I went through a bad stage reading lots of comments here along the lines of "I would never terminate for down's so I would never test for it" but I know I would still make the same decision even if I knew how I would feel today and that I might not ever conceive again.

Im sorry you had a failed IUI. Please dont give up hope - I know it is easier said than done.

I hear so many people say they would or wouldn't do something in life (I was once one of them) but until you are in that position and facing whatever has been put before you, nobody can say what they would or would not do. When we were given our odds for T21, DP and I began discussing our options. When we were told it would most likely be turners, we still had to weigh up the quality of life our daughter would have had. The fact that she had HLHS took any decision out of our hands, which in a way made things 'easier' for us to accept.

Making a decision when there is a problem which is compatible with life is so much harder IMO. I am almost certain I would have made the decision to terminate, as I personally dont think I could have coped.

Ghislaine, you have every right to grieve and remember your baby. You have lost a very much loved and wanted child. T21 is not as straight forward as people seem to think. Please dont torture yourself with reading comments regarding what other people would do. They aren't you and they were not in your shoes. Nobody here will ever judge you or call you selfish, we all understand the devestation with recieving the awful news, and the utter devestation with having to make that decision. Be kind to yourself xx

Hello everyone,

Thank you for continuing to think of me. We are doing ok. I feel just really flat and like there is no joy in anything. I feel like I am going through the motions of life but I just feel grey.

It is 5 weeks today since Alexandra's birth and in one way it seems like so much longer but in another like moments ago. I look at her pictures every day and have a cry. I know this sounds mad but I feel like if she is watching me I want her to know I miss her. Sorry if TMI but I got my first AF today since she was born and it just feels wrong as I should still be pregnant.

I so understand everyone talking about feeling judged, this is something I really struggle with. I was 26 weeks so very obviously pregnant and I hate what people may be thinking. I keep saying to my DH that we did the wrong thing. I know if I had to make the decision again I would make the same one as her prognosis was so horrific. Obviously there is a big gap between my heart and my head.

We ordered her gravestone this week. We have made it as beautiful as it can be. It is so important to me to acknowledge the fact that she existed and her grave is one of the only ways I can do that. I also feel the need to keep talking about her to people. It is hadr when there is nothing new to say.

I hope everyone else has had a as peaceful week as is possible.

Sorry the lack of sleep appears to have affected my ability to string a sentence together.

Goingdownhill, I experienced the same flatness. It was if I was being crushed under a wall. My dr said it was the effect of the oestrogen still in my system, and that it can take months to work itself out.

Can I ask about the gravestone? We too buried our baby but we were told that we couldn't have a headstone for at least a year after the burial because the soil needed time to settle. If we did it too early, then the headstone would probably tilt over. I looked at headstones a while back but couldn't find anything I liked.

And if you can't talk to people IRL, talk to us about Alexandra. Five weeks is still so recent. She will always be with you even if she no longer physically here.

Manitz - how are you? I think I missed that you were taking some time away from work. I hope it's giving you some space.

Sorry Alexandra was cremated and has a cremated remains grave. In our crematorium you can buy a plot and this is what we did, so that when the time comes DH and I can go with her (morbid I know). We can have a head stone but it has to be of specific shape and dimension to match the rest. We have a picture of her on it and a verse that I found. It is not what I would of chosen if she had been buried but we were very restricted as to what we could choose. I would advise a visit to the mason's our local one had some that were lovely for children, as much as a gravestone could be..

Hello everyone I haven't posted on this thread before but have posted for a bit on the other boards. I started to read through this thread from the start but felt as if I should post my tale first as it seemed bad to know your stories but not share mine.

I had a termination 4 years ago between Christmas and New Year, my little boy had T21 and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder about a year later and at that point stopped ttc. I do have two children a DD who is 26 and a DS who is almost 10, I have been married twice, hence the enormous age gaps.

I'm very sorry for everyone here and feel especially for people that have suffered very recent losses. I am still very sad and have a few bad days but I have found the pain lessens with time. I am sure the sadness will always remain even if I am around when I am 100.

I hope I can make some sort of contribution to this thread sometimes.

Hello damyoucomfortzone. Welcome to our thread, and I hope you find some comfort here. What an awful time of year to lose your baby. It must make it especially raw.

Hi everybody I'm a bit new to this.....Had a termination on the 4th of feb at 17wks due to a diaphramatic hernia and a very very poor lung ratio....

Doesnt feel real at the mo, like its all happening to someone else....feel lost....

Ache for the little boy i have lost :-( x

BlueCat83 Im so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel any better, I know, I just hope you are getting support in RL.
It didn't feel real for me for a long time after and I completely understand about feeling like it is happening to someone else.
All of us sympathise with your situation and we are all here whenever you need us, either to rant, chat, cyber-cry or just to be somewhere where people understand.
Be kind to yourself. There will be so many emotions along the road to acceptance, some you wouldn't expect. Anything is 'normal'.
Please come on here whenever you feel the need, or lurk as many of us do, if it helps xx

Also a warm welcome to Dammyoucomfortzone, Im sorry about you loss. Doesn't matter how long ago things happen, as you say, the pain is always with you. It just gets less as time floats by.
I hope this thread can offer you some support and comfort too xx

Thank you NatzCNL and I'm sorry for your loss too, no-one should have to face this and have to make such awful decisions. I feel like I need to be more upset and can't understand whats wrong with me!! I already have a little boy who is 8 and telling him was awful but i knew i had to appear ok, this has continued however and i'm talking to people, explaining whats happened and they cry......Then I wonder why am i not crying?? This baby was sooo wanted, the week after the termination i moved house as we thought we needed a bigger one and i can't even go into the spare room as i had it all planned out! I feel like i've drank 20 cans of redbull, i have endless energy and can't seem to sit still! Work haven't been very understanding either! x

Hi Bluecat,
Im sorry that you find yourself here, and for the loss of your baby boy. Its all very recent and raw for you, people grieve in different ways, like what Natz says anything goes, do whatever feels right for you, and what helps you, be kind to yourself.
I'm sorry your work are not being understanding, that must be making things harder for you. Take as much time off as you can, more importantly as you need, I took time off then went back and found it too much and took more time off.

Hi to dammyoucomfortzone, hope you find this thread supportive.

yesterday was my 35th birthday which i found quite upsetting it was not the birthday i had planned should be looking forward to the birth of my daughter and feel so empty now, ive had my period as well so will not be pregnant by my due day, im starting to worry about ttc and it happening again, which is silly i know i just feel that the only way i can fully deal with the loss is to be pregnant and have the baby i so despetatetly want.

Love to everyone, cherry hope you are doing ok

Hi to all and to new members of the group. Goingdownhill, Bluecat - I hope the days are not too hard to bear at the moment. It is a dark time that we have to go through after losing our babies, my heart goes out to you. And hello also to dammyoucomfortzone x

Ghislane, I am really sorry about your failed IUI. There will be more chances for you, I am sure of it. Easy for me to say I know. And also Flower, so sorry that you due date will come without the hope of being pregnant again. These milestone days always seem so important, don't they - although of course the reality is that your next healthy pregnancy will come at a time that might be when you least expect.

Hope everyone is ok. As some of you know, I am pregnant again after losing 2 babies to (unconnected) chromosome conditions last year. I am very terrified and find it hard to feel joyful, as at the moment the losses of my babies are so raw and real, much more so than the belief that this one might work out. I'm not sure I can bear to go through it all again. But I hope this feeling will lift over time.

Hi, I'm new here and stumbled across your thread by accident. I am so sorry for your losses and can identify with a lot of your posts and feelings. Just reading them tonight has made me feel so much more 'normal'.

I had to say goodbye to my very much longed for little girl, Ava, just over a month ago. She had been due on my birthday. Ava had Edwards and a heart abnormality and apart from her crossed fingers on one hand (a soft marker for the condition) she looked perfect in every way. In fact she looked a lot like her big brother.

I still can't believe that this happened to us- at our nuchal screening I was given a 1:119000 risk factor for her condition. I never expected to be the 1.

Bluecat, I too feel as though this has happened to someone else sometimes, especially as I have had to pick myself up and carry on with normality for my

toddler. I would like to stay in bed and wallow in it
some days. It feels as though there is an Ava shaped
hole in my heart that can never be filled.

MyangelAva - hello, and welcome to the thread, although it is always so sad when someone new has to join.

Your daughter sounds beautiful. You don't say how many weeks you were when you delivered, or whether you found out about her condition at your 20 week scan or afterwards. It's such a shock whenever it happens, but particularly when you were given such high odds at your nuchal scan. I am so so sorry for the loss of your little girl, and for all the pain that you are going through now.

Hopefully this thread may give you some comfort. I always just found it a good place to be able to speak to people who have been through similar heartbreaking situations. I hope you have lots of support in real life too xx

Thank you grandj for your kindness and for responding. I couldn't sleep last night as I've got a bad cold and unfortunately that gave me time alone and in the dark, to think things through. I have a wonderful husband and lots of support in RL but sometimes you don't want to feel like you're always the one to bring it up. I'm so pleased to have found you all though (although I wish this board didn't have to exist).

I found out that there were problems at 25 weeks. I had been for 2 anomoly scans before then- the first I was told was fine, but they could not see some of the organs clearly because of the way she was lying (it was then that I found out I was having a girl and was so happy as we are already blessed with the most amazing little boy). At the second they raised concern at her size and again said they could not see her heart clearly enough and that I would have to come back after 2 weeks, primarily to monitor her growth.

After a very long Christmas we went back (at 25 weeks) and were told that Ava had a serious heart problem and referred to a fetal cardiologist. Things seemed so bleak at that point but the cardiologist gave us a ray of hope- her heart problem might have been able to have been 'fixed' with an operation as soon as she was born. He did warn us that her growth/ size was a problem as this might suggest a chromosomal abnormality and suggested an amnio. After another scan by a consultant, who thought he saw overlapping fingers (a sign of Edwards) we agreed. The results came back 3 days later- 5.30pm on a Fri afternoon. The next week we went for the injection (which was just heartbreaking) and I delivered her 2 days later at 26 +4 weeks.

Even writing this I find it so hard to really believe that it happened. Apart from the pregnancy weight (that's a kick in the teeth isn't it?!) there are no physical reminders that it happened and that I was even pregnant. Like some horrific nightmare.

I don't feel guilty about the decision we made, I feel that we did not really have a choice, but I feel guilty about almost everything else. At having to carry on as normal for our little boy, that people think I'm coping really well (and I have to admit i'm doing better than I thought- I underestimated my strength), and that I cry my eyes out when I'm alone in the house or during my toddler's naptimes. My secret guilt that I am ashamed to admit is that a bit of me is extra upset (if that's even possible) because I had always wanted a girl and I am fearful that I will never have a healthy baby girl to take home. It shouldn't matter- I've already learnt the hard way that all that is important is that your baby is healthy.
We

Grandj, I just wanted to say that I was so sorry to read that you had to go through this twice and that I wish you all the luck in the world for your current pregnancy. How far along are you?

I am sure it is a very difficult time for you for a whole host of reasons.

It's personal, but can I ask you when you started ttc after your other pregnancies? I have been given no guidance on this apart from to wait until AF and then it's when you're emotionally ready.