Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Grandj sorry you are having a difficult time, will be thinking of you on tuesday. I agree with you I dont know what I would have done without sharing on here, it has helped me so much.

Cant thanks for your reply

Cherry Yes we can hold each others hands through this time, and Natz thinking of you too.
My baby was due march the 7th, my DH birthday is march the 6th we are going away for the weekend to spend some quality time together,

Love to everyone

Flower, Im glad you will be getting away for the weekend, Im sorry your husbands birthday will be tinged with sadness. Our Cara was cremated the day after my OH's birthday. It's really hard as those dates will always have the association with our losses.

Hello to everyone else x

Hello, old timer here, not posted in months but been thinking about you all recently... am sorry to see so many new people going through such a dreadful time. So, new year and I guess a desire for new feelings, feeling better and more positive but of course it doesn't work like that.

Christmas is hard as it reminds me of 2 years ago when I was going through the hard early stages of my pregnancy. It feels better now to have a year in between all that but I surprise myself about how I can't move on. Family member had a baby just before Christmas and there was a bit of concern about her - thought she may have Downs. She didn't but it threw up all the old feelings, like what would they think of me if she had it, selfish of course. I still can't believe after all this time what I did to my baby. It has changed me forever, I have lost some of my self respect, and I know I have let things go to some extent, with my house, my relationships and just generally coping.

My 8 yr old daughter just a few days ago suddenly out of the blue asked me if a baby can die in your tummy and how she wished my baby hadn't died. I never told her the truth, that he didn't die but I made him die, and I can't bring myself to tell her, I don't know if I should or not, it just worries me that she still thinks about it after all this time, am I a coward?

Thanks for letting me offload. I guess most days I am OK, life is hard enough (for those of you who don't know me my eldest is on the autistic spectrum), dh still has bad health days so often sleeps a lot when he's home from work.... anyway I know the baby would have been very very difficult but I still feel like I miss him... crazy.

Hope this year works out better for all those here. Thinking of the old timers.

xxx

Hi Eulalia. I am quite new here and although you dont know me, your post struck a chord I also have a daughter of a similar age. She knows that two babies have died because they didn't have all the parts to make them work. With my first termination I was 24 weeks gone so there was no hiding the pregnancy and we thought we were past the problematic part. Anyway I have never told her i terminated the pregnancies.

A while ago she told me she was glad she wasn't one of the babies who died. I said I agreed and that those babies wouldn't have known and particularly with the first one they would always have died but would have known more about it if they got older etc etc. At the end she said she thought Id made the right choice!! I left it at that. I'm glad she understands that some choice was made. I don't think she is old enough to understand completely how much of a choice was made, nor for example, what a termination entails. I always intended to tell both my girls about it when they were older, but will keep it factual - thinking about it I might wait until I'm asked.

I wish I had had my last baby but I know there is no way I would have done and I was right to make the choice I did.

I hope your day has got better. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate besides grieving for your baby which must make it really hard. I am also finding at times that I struggle to cope. x

Eulalia, sorry to hear of your experience and of the struggle you are having. I have some days when I cant bear the responsibility of the choice we made. But I know that if I had to go back and face it all again I would have to make the same choice so it must have been right for us. A lose/lose situation, either way I would have to live with pain and guilt and regret. I suppose at least this way it is only my pain rather than my baby and my family suffering too. The fact that we are all suffering the loss of a much wanted baby shows how much they were loved. To love yet to choose to lose seems so incongruous. I think there is an emotional want and a physical reality. We make the decision based upon the physical reality but the emotional want remains the same. It's so painful.

I also have a DD who is 2.8. Too young to understand any of this but I want her to know when she is older that she had a sister. However, Manitz as you say, I'm not sure how I will explain it all.

Grandji - thought of you yesterday and hope the day went as well as it could.

Hope everyone else is ok this week. Much love to you all.

Thanks Cherrybug & manitz. I am sorry my post was all about me and I don't know fully the stories of the people on here. My termination was March 09 so getting on for 2 years ago although I can remember everything as if it was only yesterday. I stopped posting regularly as I felt much better, and well I guess you have to move on. However I still have bad days and it is great to know that there is somewhere I can still go even after all this time and someone is willing to listen and respond, so thank you again.

Manitz - it was so useful for you to tell me of the conversation with your daughter. I guess I will tell my daughter all about it but it feels too soon now. Also I know she'd have lots of questions which I couldn't bear. There is no hurry to explain now.

I am sure there is more I'd like to say but another day maybe? Either that or counselling, still not done that but I think I've reached a stage where I could do with thrashing it all out. dh is pretty useless at talking!

bye for now xxx

hi eulalia, i was going to suggest counselling but I didn't know if it was just a one-off or not. I had some grief counselling ten years after my sister died and it helped me understand the cycles grief goes through. It took a long time before i felt it would be beneficial and i think they recommend not doing it immediately.

My first termination was three years ago and, like you, i used to post on a forum but then after about 6 months i sort of dropped out as life took over. I had my second termination in october 10 and it has brought a lot of those issues that i had buried (?) back. I feel ok generally but i'm definitely quite angry and I think I need to monitor how I control it and if I still have problems with it down the line I'll think about counselling. In the meantime the forum is a place to drop into isn't it? I find it really useful.

About telling the kids. It is important for me that I don't sugar coat anything for my kids. I think I have a duty to bring them up to understand about life, even the unpalatable bits. i am sad about my babies but I don't really feel guilt. Generally i'm proud that I dealt with such a terrible situation in what i believe was a selfless way (though still pissed off to have had to). Having said that i don't want to remove their innocence completely and I don't want them having nightmares so I don't treat them like adults either. take care.xx

Hi Eulalia - lovely to hear from you as one of the thread originals. And glad life is mostly okay for you. I have no answers about what to tell our DC about the babies we have lost - my daughter was under 2 and didnt know I was pregnant either time. I am reading with interest the answers that people have given.

As for counselling, you periodically return to that idea and seem to reject it each time..? Maybe it's something you need in reserve to get you through the bad bits? or maybe it would help?

Hi everyone else. Flower, Manitz, Cherry, Grandj, Louzie, how are you all? And Peanuthead, are you out there somewhere?

In some ways, my losses feel like bad dreams now. In another, they still feel very real. But I am doing well. Babycant is very cute, if hideously insomniac. I feel very lucky to have her. All of what we have been through makes having babies feel so much more miraculous, where other people take it for granted.

Hi Everyone,

This thread has been fairly quiet lately. I hope that's because we are all managing ok at the moment?

I wanted to just check in ask how everyone was? Louzie, Ghislaine, Peanut - haven't heard from you all in a while, I hope you are ok.

I'm doing ok, we are TTC which I think helps me to look forward rather than back, though most days still I think of my lost baby girl.

I unexpectedly bumped into my friend who is due a week after my due date . She was quite awkward with me and it made me sad. Though it's hard to think that I am no longer having my baby at the same time, I dont feel resentment towards her. But I suppose she must feel unable to show her excitement in front of me which is a shame for her.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and hope everyone is well. Cherry x

Having a bleak moment and feel it may help to get it out here. A friend came to visit today. The last time I saw her was early June last year and at the time we were both talking about trying for our second child. Anyway today not surprisingly, she told me she was pregnant and due in August.

I told her I expected it (which I did though if I'm honest it was more that I feared it), I said congratulations etc. But I feel really angry. Not at all at her but at the unfairness of what happened to me. I feel stuck - I'm not on the path I want to be on, the path that I should be on and now others who started the journey after me are now passing me by whilst I'm still stuck.

I think a day like this was probably overdue, Ive been trying to be philosophical and forward looking for ages now, I'm sick of it. Today I just feel upset and pissed off.

Anyway self indulgent but think I just needed this space to vent. Hope everyone else is ok xx

Cherry, I have had a very similar experience recently. To be honest I wasn't so much upset for myself but simply jealous of her. Jealous that she conceived easily. Jealous that she hasn't faced what I have. Jealous that she seems to be sailing through and believes a baby will arrive once you are pregnant. I too did the congratulations etc thing but I was also a bit upset that there was no acknowledgement that it might be difficult news for me to hear. I know it's not all about me, but still..! Luckily it was all by email so I just pressed send and then cried.

So, you are not alone and these are perfectly normal feelings to have. I've been avoiding posting though I'm still reading because even these threads remind me of how I am stuck in the place I am in.

I've started hypnotherapy in an attempt to deal with my underlying anxieties about conceiving - basically just guided relaxation exercises which I hope will restore my equilibrium. Once the awful raw emotional intensity of the termination passes it's all very tiring being in limbo.

Im feeling the same too, have been trying to be positive focusing on the ttc but cant help feeling jelous and angry and frustrated by others pregnancies. Someone at work is pregnant with her 2nd after trying for 2 months, she concieved first really quick too, everyone keeps saying it will be my turn soon, but im so scared that it wont be i feel fate is against me i went through the joy of getting pregnant to have it taken away from me. I started nights tonight when my maternity leave should have started i couldnt hold it together and cried when i got to work, exclaming its not fair, it feels so wrong and childish to be like this but i just cant help it.

love to everyone

Ghislaine and Flower, thanks for your replies and reassurances that I am not alone in these moments of despair. I'm sorry of course that it is hard for you both too. Flower, I understand how you are feeling about how it should be different. I keep thinking about how I should be winding down to start maternity leave at the end of this month and resenting every post February work appointment I put in my diary. I hope your work colleagues are understanding and supporting you. It is a difficult time and even though the rawness has faded somewhat it is frustrating, as you say Ghislaine, to be in limbo.

It struck me when I said congratulations to my friend that I didn't believe in saying it now because I know it can go so wrong. For her pregancy is still a time of planning and excitement. For me, although we are TTC and crossing fingers each month, I know that if I fall pregnant it will bring fear and worry and anxiety with it.

Hypnotherapy sounds useful Ghislaine, a way to relax more deeply and calm anxieties. I do hope you find it helpful.

On a more optimistic note, today is the first day of the Chinese Year of the Rabbit. The last year was a Metal Tiger year believed to be inauspicious for many. So, perhaps we can see today as the start of a New Year and of better things to come.

Love to all.

The Year of the Rabbit sounds particularly apt for those of us still TTC!

Indeed!

I was wondering if I might join your thread? I had to terminate on the 7th of Jan and I am finding it really really hard. Our daughter was discovered to have severe brain abnormalities when we went for our 20 week scan. We were told something was wrong with her brain but nobody knew what. We had an amnio which revealed nothing multiple blood tests, scans and MRI. It was only after the MRI at 26 weeks that the full extent of what was wrong was revealed. She had complete agenesis of the corpus callosum, three large cysts in the brain, she also had lissencephally which meant her brain was still flat instead of ridged it was this condition that meant her outcome was so poor. We were told by a developmental paed that they had never seen so much wrong in one baby. If we continued she was likely to have no more brain function than a newborn, seizures and a very premature death.

We made the awful decision to terminate, it was my absolute last resort and I truly feel there was no choice at all as I did not want her to suffer. We had to inject her to stop her heart. It was the worst experience of my life and I will feel guilty until the day I die. She was induced 48 hours later. I experienced a nightmare delivery which resulted in a EMCS due to rupture of a previous c-section scar.

Alexandra was just beautiful and so absolutely perfect looking I can not reconcile myself to how ill she was. I got to hold her and kiss her for 24 hours afterwards. Having to give her to the midwife when she could no longer be with us was horrific. I just wish we could of kept her for a life time.

She was cremated 2 weeks ago and her funeral was another hell to get through. I miss her so much. I regret what we did and wish more than anything she could still be inside me where she should be.

I feel so empty and lonely. I am lucky that we have three other children to keep me going but I just want my baby so much.

I am sorry this is such a long post I just needed to write it all down to people who have an idea what it is like. I feel judged in real life and like I don't have the right to grieve.

goingdownhill I am so so sorry for your loss. You have every right to grieve and every right to feel everything that you are feeling.

Having to make that decision is something nobody can understand if they have not had to do it themselves. Im so sorry her delivery was so awful. But I am glad you got to spend some time with her before your final goodbye.

There is no amount of time that will stop you missing her or wanting her, but the feelings will soon ease and hopefully you will be able to come to terms with your decision. Because your decision was not a selfish one, it was one of love for your daughter, to spare her suffering and pain. Every instinct a mother has is to protect their children, and having to make a decision as we have to end a pregnancy feels against nature, but you have done this with only your daughter in mind. And for this reason it was the right reason. I know that sounds wrong and strange to others who have not had to make that decision.

Be kind to yourself and come to this thread as often as you need or want to. Sadly there are so many of us who have had to make that 'choice' to let our babies go. Be kind to yourself and grieve for as long as you need to, and talk to us as much as you want to.

I too felt judged in RL, even though nobody ever said anything to us. And nearly 5 months on everybody expects me to be over our loss. It just doesn't happen like that.

Natz xx

goingdownhill, what an awful experience you have had. And what is worse of course is that you went through that out of love for Alexandra. How much you are hurting is a sign of how much you loved her.

I found talking and talking about it helped me feel less alone, and this is the one place where I know people understand the emptiness and feeling of being cheated that goes along with our experiences. We will be here long after people think you have put it all behind you for we know that it is always with you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry it was such a self absorbed post last night. I just needed to get it all out.

I am sorry that you are both here too. I am very sad for the loss you must have experienced also.

It is the most difficult thing I have been through. I know one day things will seem normal again, it just feels a long way away at the moment...

Many Thanks x

Goingdownhill - I have just read your story and my heart goes out to you. Your journey from first finding out something was wrong to ending your pregnancy has been so traumatic.

I understand completely your feelings. I too couldn't comprehend how my baby girl Leila looked so perfect when she wasnt. And I also found it unbearably hard to leave her at the hospital the next day. And then the questions of 'did we do the right thing' and the 'what ifs'. Something that helped me was asking myself if I could go back in time and was faced with the options all over again would I make the same decision. And the answer is yes, I would have to. It is the same for you and so it was the right and only decision you could have made. Of course in these early days it is little consolation and wont take away the emotional pain but I believe that in time it will help.

The feelings of emptiness and loneliness are normal. I felt immediately afterwards that my life, OH and DD were no longer enough for me and all I felt was this void. I promise this does get easier and your lovely family will certainly help you get through these early weeks.

This thread helps hugely because no matter what people in RL say, only those who have been through this know the depth of pain it brings. And as ghislaine says, we will be here for you and each other in the weeks and months to come. Cherry x

Cherry,

I am so sorry for the loss of Leila. You are identifying so many of the thoughts I am having at the moment. I am constantly crying to my husband that we did the wrong thing but rationally I know we did what was right.

I also feel like my existing children are not enough. I feel so guilty that at a time when they should be more precious than ever to me, I am short tempered with them and I spend alot of time counting down to bed time. They are only 4,3 and 2 so still need alot of hands on care.

I also feel an overwhelming need to be pregnant. It makes me feel so guilty because it feels like Alexandra would be replaced, although that is the last thing I want as she is a unique person. As I had a section this is not a possibility for us for a while and that is making things even harder. I feel selfish for even thinking like that when I should just be grieving for Alexandra.

I can't tell you how helpful it is to recognise some of your own feelings in somebody else. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences x

hi goingdownhill
I'm so sorry for your loss, and the difficult time you had. It is a sad and common line on here that people do not understand, I think it is because unless you have been there you do not understand, thats whats so good about here. Most people think of termination in terms of unwanted pregnancies, and cannot begin to understand ending a loved and so wanted pregnancy. My Isabelle had a diagnosis that was incompatible with life, like your Alexandra she would have died at birth, the way i see it is in that in letting them go we save them so much pain and suffering and take the pain ourselves. It is a mothers instinct to protect her child and so hard to go against it, but in this case it is done with love.

It is really tough afterwards, give your self plenty of time to greive, do whatever fells right for you, and be kind to yourself, it does get easier, I didnt believe that at first, but six months down the line with lots of tears and support it has.
flower xx

The need to be pregnant again is overwhelming, isn't it? I think we have all spoken of it. To go into hospital pregnant, and leave not pregnant, but without your baby, is not how it is supposed to be. You are not trying to replace Alexandra (and you know that anyway) but trying to put right a situation where it all went so wrong.

hello going downhill. i had a similar termination of a girl between 25 and 26 weeks in 2007 (for hypoplastic right heart and other heart problems). she was my third baby. thankfully I didn't have the complications you had but it was horrendous. I found the injection the worst bit.

It took a long time to heal and mainly was helped by having another child afterwards who was ok. I then had another termination - at 13 weeks last october for T21 and hydrops. I went back to work after two weeks but am going to the doctor today to be signed off work for a few more weeks. It is really hard and i really take it out on the kids so i think removing the stress of work will help me focus on my children.

AFter my first termination i tried to concentrate on what was good in my life, like walking in the park with the kids and listening to the leaves rustling etc and it did help but even a few months on i would be crying on the kitchen floor while i was making tea. Its just that the sad days get fewer and fewer but I found it to be a gradual process. I feel profoundly lucky that I had kids already though as it gave me a distraction and also a source of comfort and love - and hard work of course!

I have found forums really useful for support both times and you can take what you want from them I hope you find this thread the same. I am so sorry for your experience. x