Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Cherrybug I'm so sad to hear you're having such a difficult time. I have felt surprisingly 'composed' at times and thought that I was improving, but then at other times I feel like everything is coming crashing down around me.

Hardly anyone has put Fern's name on Christmas cards and many people I know have never asked how I am or mentioned her name. It's so strange that life is carrying on for them as normal, while I'm nowhere near ready to get back to normality.

I konw you feel alone in your grief, but please remember you're not. The mummies here know exactly how you're feeling, and we understand.

Sending love to you too.
x

Thanks Natz and cherry xx

Sorry you are having a hard time cherry, I think the time of year does some how make things worse.
I hope you get the support you need.

Louzie it is so hard when people dont understand, like you say here is the best place.

Today i went out and enjoyed the snow with dh, and we put the tree up, feeling a bit better about the whole christmas thing.

love to everyone else, Grandj and Ghislaine hope you are ok.

xx

Flower11 yes I have had a few people telling me this week that they think I'm handling this really well and they can't believe how well I'm getting on. It's really frustrating because I know that underneath I'm really not doing at all well - I'm angry, sad, frustrated, confused. It's like people think I'm moving on, whereas in reality I'm still deeply grieving for my baby who only died 25 days ago. Like you say, people here understand - thank goodness.

Flower of course you are angry. Things have gone badly wrong. All these emotions come at different times. We understand how you feel. Sometimes there is no space in my heart to feel happy for others who have what I do not. I don't think I'm a bad person because of that. I'm a person who has been through a traumatic event and that has to affect my functioning.

I know what you mean about how normal you might appear on the outside and how people think you have just gotten over it. I'm sorry Louzie about Fern (such a beautiful name, by the way) not being mentioned on Christmas cards. I basically forced my family to acknowledge my son by telling them to make a donation to the local maternal-fetal medicine unit in his memory instead of giving me a Christmas present this year. I'm not sure what they think of me for that, but I'm beyond caring. Natz, I can't believe your BIL. My father (as I mentioned on the other thread) had a similar attitude.

Cherry, I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Post here as often as you need.

Just a note to say hope you all have a very peaceful and relaxing Christmas. I know for most of us it will bring some moments of sadness and reflection. But hopefully there will be some happiness and merriment too despite this.

I'm a little better today, lots to do to keep me busy. My friend who is due 2 weeks after my due date popped in on Tuesday to drop off DDs christmas present. That was hard. Just as I expected she told me she is having a girl. I am genuinely pleased for her but I confess it is very much tinged with jealousy. I suspect when the time comes, buying the congratulations card and gift is going to be bloody tough. I just really hope she doesnt have her baby early on my due date which would really twist the knife.

Anyway love to all - Ghislaine that's a nice idea about the donation.

Hope everyone is well xx

Just popping in to say thinking of you all over Christmas. I know it can be v hard. I hope like Cherry that everyone finds some peace over the festive period and for those TTC that it works soon.

Cherry, you are going to find your friend's pregnancy tough - but when her baby comes, I suspect, you will just be happy for her, because the baby will clearly not be your baby, and will suddenly seem totally separate. That's my experience, anyway.

Just a quick pop in as im actually at work, then have to go home to a house full of relatives.
Thanks for all the support, its great to have a place where people understand and its ok to moan and just be, it has meant so much to me.
Wishing everyone a peacefull christmas.
Much love xx

Hi Flower

hope your Christmas is peaceful.

And you and others who have not very understanding families - I hope people go some way towards understanding how you feel.

Hi ladies. An old-timer here, who doesn't read the posts at the moment but I wanted to pop on here to say that I am thinking of you all, and hello to others who remember me.
I know there have been times today when I have been thinking how different my day would have been if all my girls were with me, not just the one. Times like this are always tinged with poignancy and wistful heartache, even when the raw pain goes away.
When there is so much celebration and happiness around it can magnify the feelings of aloneness and loss - I know in the past I have felt like I am in a bubble and no-one can quite reach me.
So huge hugs to anyone whose loss is recent, and warm hello's to those now lending support and reaching out. I am sad, but also pleased that this thread is now on it's sixth incarnation.
Thinking of you all, and our own little christmas angels. xxxxxxxx
Love Lins. xxx

Just been catching up on all the posts. And I find it so helpful to find somewhere where people have gone through similar things - friends / family have tried to get it but they can't as they've never had to go through it.

Haven't posted for months since my initial one when had the positive test results. The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster as our little Issie would have been due early Dec, which also happens to be my own birthday - so I will always have a constant date reminder. I took the week off work just to allow myself to be up /down and not deal with any work rubbish on top but hadn't accounted for the fact that it would be the build up as well. It was hard as well that everyone else seemed to have forgotten all about it so it was mainly just me and OH.

Know that life goes on for everyone. One friend recently was mortified when we went for dinner and were talking about our wedding next year and subject of what would I do if I was pregant. Not thinking she went well you wouldn't show much if you were cos it'd be your first. She realised immediately what she'd said and was full of apologies. I now feel as if everyone thinks I should be over it now, 6 months down the line.

Christmas has been hard. It wasn't the Christmas we'd planned and the world and TV programmes seem to be full of bouncing happy babies, having lovely Christmasses. It's made me question my decision for the umpteenth time. Counsellor would say that I need to remind myself of the reasons we had and that they were valid, but it doesn't really stop me feeling like some horrible, neo-N,eugenics type. Guess having had numerous bereavements in my life I'd thought that similarly things would get better over time. And I suppose yes, most days I function, but there still seem to be too many days where I wander in my own space which isn't always a great place to be.

Apologies for dumping here, just needed a 'safe space' as they say.

Hi everyone

I haven't posted for a while, just busy with Christmas I guess and then we've been away. I hope you all managed to enjoy bits of the break - I found the day itself passed in a kind of blur as I was so focused on trying to be happy for DD and all our visitors and not to think about how things could have been different if our lost babies had lived.

We've just been away in Ireland for new year, visiting my best friend. It was so good to get away and have a holiday from all the sadness, although of course now we are back to normal and normal feels very miserable. And I feel so much that people expect me to be "over" it - my mum, for example, seems to resent the fact that we went away and keeps making snide remarks about how we felt ok enough to go on holiday but not to go to a family event with my sister and cousin who are both now as pregnant as I was when I lost James. Didn't have the strength to explain that our holiday was a break from reality and the family thing would have been reality at its worst.

Anyway, sorry for post going on about myself. I hope everyone is surviving xxx

Hi Grandj,

So sorry you're finding things difficult right now. My dh goes back to work tomorrow after being off since Fern was born 6 weeks ago. To top it off, my eldest two go back to school and nursery on Thursday - so times are changing right now. It feels like everything is getting back to normal and dammit I don't want to get back to normal! I want to have space and time to feel miserable when I want to, to miss Fern, to grieve - I don't want my old life yet.

I understand why you went away and I'm glad it helped. It's a shame your mum didn't understand - could it come from a good place? Might it be that it's just her way of expressing that she's really worried about you?

I had to spend a day over Christmas with a relative who is 25 weeks pregnant - as I was when Fern was born. It sucked big time. I never before thought it would be a problem and it really was. Really strange because I'm genuinely happy for her, just really sad for me. I don't mind seeing newly pregnant women, or heavily heavily pregnant women, but it's difficult to see women at the stage I was when we lost Fern, or at the stage I should be. I should be 31 weeks pregnant - why am I not anymore? Not fair.

With love xx

Hi Louzie

Lovely to hear from you - I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are, maybe because our babies were born at around the same time.

Maybe you're right about mum - the trouble is, she's always been pretty focused on herself so I can't help suspecting that this is the usual reaction she has - because she has been over to visit a few times and feels she has been supportive (which she has) she feels I am not "grateful" if I seem to be getting support from elsewhere. All sounds a bit mad but then she is! Just have to ignore it at the moment as I don't have the energy.

I hope you are ok when your husband goes back to work. Mine's been back for a while now (although off over Christmas) and in a way it wasn't so hard as I was sort of forced to get on with it for the sake of DD. It may be that having the house to yourself gives you time to grieve away from the busyness of family life - but if you find it too quiet, make sure you meet up with some kind friends and things.

I feel a bit back to the beginning at the moment. It's not as raw as at the start, but I feel sick all the time, keep dreaming about what happened. I wonder whether we'll ever feel happy again. I guess we have to hope that we will someday.

Lots of love xx

Hi everyone,

Granji - sorry to hear you're feeling quite low. Your mum sounds similar to mine. Usually pretty tactless due to self involvement but at the same time I admit has tried her best throughout the pain of losing Leila. Its probably best as you say, to not waste any energy on dealing with your mum's comments at the moment. I hope that things start to feel a little easier for you.

Louzie - I know how you feel regarding your friend. My friend is due 2 weeks after my due date. I am very happy for her but when I saw her before Christmas felt sad that I was no longer pregnant and somewhat envious that she'd soon have a little baby girl when I'd lost mine. I'm hoping that when the time comes I will only feel happiness for her and not pain for myself but as the due dates are close it's perhaps going to be a sad time for me.

All in all I've been okay over Christmas. We had a quiet time particularly on Hogmanay, few teary moments but much more brief than they have been. I think the distraction has been helpful and having DP and DD around has been good. Today - we're both back at work and DD is at her granny's, so I'm alone in the house (work from home) and its all too easy to think! Still I'm glad we are in a New Year, it's a little easier to look forward.

Rialtovenezia - sorry to hear you have had a difficult time. Like you I feel having this safe space to offload is so valuable. Having your due date on your birthday is very hard. I'm glad you got through it and through Christmas and hope 2011 brings much better things.

Natz, Manitz, Flower, Ghislaine, Cant - hope you are all well and had a relaxing festive season and Linspins - thanks for looking in on us and for your thoughts.

Rialtovenezia, I think we are on the same timetable. Early Dec was also my due date. Keep on posting here if it helps. I know I feel sometimes that I have used up most of my friends' patience for hearing the same thing over and over again, so this is a great place where we all understand what you are going through.

For me the thing is that I have given up thinking things will go back to "normal" - they never will, but I am adjusting to my new normal. Sometimes that's quite a bleak place, and I get angry about that, but as there's nothing I can do about what has happened I feel I have to come to terms with it as part of me now and for the future me.

Louzie - I can empathise with what you're going through with your friend. It is unfair. For me too it's the women also due around my due date which I find the hardest to deal with (one of whom was one of the women who cut off all contact with me when she found out what had happened - perhaps she couldn't deal with it either?). I don't think there are any quick solutions, just time.

Grandj and ghislaine thanks so much for your good thoughts. I'm really missing being pregnant right now - feeling empty inside and resenting the post-pregnancy flabbiness which hasn't quite disappeared yet.

Grandj I hope you have other friends/relatives for support? I konw what you mean about filling the quiet times at home. I have a couple of great friends who have asked me for coffee on days they know I have spare time. It was dh's first day back today and so far so good lol!

Ghislaine I've had a few people who have said nothing to me since Fern's diagnosis. Not even a 'how are you', never mind mentioning her name god forbid. It p*sses me off to tell the truth. Fern was a real baby, a real person - I had a daughter and she died. It's awful, but let's acknowledge that it happened.

Louzie I get angry too when people pretend my baby didnt happen. I think sometimes people just dont know what to say or are scared of saying the wrong thing so they say nothing. At work I have had some really supportive people that have asked questionsand listened etc, on my first day back someone cried cause she felt so upset for me, I ended up hugging her! I also make a point of talking about her to people if it feels right to

Grandj glad you managed to have some time away . People can be so insensitive at times.

I got rally upset at new year, someone asked me if things felt better now with the start of new year like putting the bad stuff behind me. It feels worse actually cause this was the year I was going to have my baby and now its not going to happen, keep thinking how far along I should be and thinking of due date, early march.
Does it get better after due date?

Hi to everyone Natz, Cherry, Ghislaine, Cant ...

It's such a relief to hear that everyone is having the same thoughts, sometimes I feel a bit like I'm going mad so it's good to hear I'm not!

Luckily I do have some brilliant friends who have been very supportive (always tends to be people who have had their own grief in the past I find) - thanks for asking Louzie. Of course I also have a few who have no idea how to deal with it and look at me with fear in their eyes, probably wondering if my head's going to start swivelling or something. I'm also really upset that my sister has sent me the grand total of 2 texts since I lost James (including one that said "happy new year" - yeah right). She's pregnant, so I guess I'm a scary person for her to think of at the moment. That must be it as she was great after I lost Grace.

New year is a bad enough time of year when you're happy, I guess it's natural that we're all feeling down. I still haven't had a period yet either after more than 6 weeks, which doesn't bother me that much but is yet another thing to think about. Don't feel like I could try again yet, but I would like to feel like my body was recovering.

Grandj I haven't had a period at all either and I think we're at around the same stage. I'm not sure that I want to try again right this second but it would be nice to have the option!

No-one speaks to me about Leila now. Not one person has asked how I'm feeling or has mentioned her at all, pretty much since her funeral. I think they have a 'that's over and done with' attitude, not necessarily in a uncaring way but just that there is nothing that can be done. I wish they realised that a simple 'how are you doing' would actually make a difference. Maybe people are afraid to mention it or they don't think anything they say will help. I dont know. It's made me feel unable to mention it to anyone other than my OH though and I do find that isolating.

Grandji - I know what you mean about wanting your body back to normal, at least then you can feel a bit more in control. I think my cycle is all out of whack as I was due on 2 days ago and nothing. I was like clockwork before. Its frustrating because we are TTC but my body obviously has its own ideas! Anyway I hope you get a period soon so you know that your body is recovering.

Flower - my due date is March too. We can hold each others hands through that time and thank heavens for this space where people are walking or have walked the same road.

Louzie - hope the day is still going ok with you DH back at work. I think January is such a hard time of year at the best of times so it's not surprising that we are all feeling the darkness quite profoundly.

Just checking in to say IME it does feel easier after the due date. But for me that may have been because I was pregnant again both times by the time the due date came around (IYSWIM). The first time, I was 16 weeks when the due date came, and I felt sad, but it was OK. And then at 20 weeks I was told that the baby couldn't survive. The second time, in an odd twist, the due date came at the same time as the anniversary of the nuchal that showed the first baby couldn't live and was also during the same week in which my next pregnancy reached 14 weeks so kidneys were being checked to see if baby had same problem as previous one. Nightmare, but third time the baby was fine.

That was long... but for me the anniversary of the termination felt much harder than the actual due date.

It does get easier. It's a cliche but it is a matter of time. And also being pregnant again helps, when you get to that point (that in itself is another slap in the face, to be back to TTC, particularly for those with trouble conceiving).

I think other people struggle to handle our grief because for them the babies never really existed as such, and for us they were, are, very real.

May 2011 be a better year for you all. Peanut, Allways, I am thinking of you, too.

I have just been catching up on all the posts. Im sorry to hear so many of us are at this bleak place at the moment. I thought with Christmas the distraction would be big enough to not think too much about Cara (I know that sounds cruel), but the day itself just kept her on my mind the whole time. I would have been 30 weeks on Christmas day, I would have had a big bump. I wished her a happy Christmas and blew her a kiss. I even sent her a message on my Niece's precious star foundation page and told them I hoped they were together.

My sister gave birth to her son on the 29th December, which in a strange way helped me. I have longed for years to be pregnant at the same time as my sister, she had her 1st son, 7 months later I fell pregnant with my 1st daughter, 7 months after her birth I fell pregnant with my 2nd daughter, after her birth my sister announced she was pregnant again but sadly had a missed miscarriage, then she fell pregnant with Emily who died at birth aged 24 weeks GA. Then she fell pregnant with Harry and I fell pregnant 8 weeks later. After Cara's diagnosis, although I was still thrilled that my sister had managed to have a successful pregnancy, I just kept thinking that we should be pregnant at the same time. Seeing her swelling tummy was such a mixture of happiness and sadness. But now that Harry is here it feels like I can breathe again.

I had expected to be in floods of tears holding Harry for the first time, but I was just so happy. My daughter looked like a minature version of my OH when they were born. Harry was the image of his Dad. For whatever reason, that made me sigh with relief.

I have asked my OH to take Cara's due date off on the 5th March and am planning to spend the day at the cemetry. The thought of her due date is tearing me up inside. We have started TTC and as yet have not had any success, but I dont mind if it takes some time.

Sorry this has been a huge ME post! My OH - as supportive as he is - doesn't know what else to say to me. He lets me talk about Cara and how Im feeling, but he just isn't at that place any more. He isn't cruel or insensative, but he has grieved and has moved on. I dont feel like I can yet, if ever.

A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately have little contact with, text me yesterday to ask when I was due and what I was having. It really knocked me for six as I didn't remember telling him that I was pregnant. Having to re-tell the story (in the most basic form without many details) has left me on such a low. Some days I do forget that we have lost our baby. Some days I do forget that I should be pregnant right now. Some days I do feel 'normal'. His reaction was so sincere and heartfelt that I just wanted to sit down and cry until there was nothing left to come out. Because, although some days I can do normal life, my grief and my sense of loss is always hiding just behind the curtain ready to spring out.

Like you Cherry, nobody asks me how I am. None of my friends mention Cara or my pregnancy. Since my friend gave me the star gift in September/October, nobody has spoken a word about our loss.

My sister in law sweetly asked her Uncle to say a blessing at his Christmas Sermon in Wales, which I thought was so lovely - and had me in floods of tears for about an hour.

I wonder if the loss of our babies was more frequently acknowledged, would this help us heal? I understand that some people cant deal with this kind of pain, or fear causing more pain. But I will never dismiss a conversation about Cara. Yes it would be painful, but it is just a mummy talking about her baby. Granted there isn't any new news to tell, but there are still emotions and memories, no matter how few.

Sorry, I hadn't intended to drop such a huge post. I was only popping on to say hi. I guess I had more to say than I thought. To be honest it feels good to have gotten it out.

I should get off before I go on another moan or pity stop. Sorry for the lack of personals, Flower, Ghislane, Cant and everyone else, still thinking of you all and hope that 2011, as painful as it will be for some of us, is a Happy Year with positive events in store xx

Natz - so much of what you say resonates. I'm glad its feels good for you to have got it all out. My OH is the same, he has grieved and moved on and I understand that. I know its different for us women, the memory of carrying our babies is very strong, how could it not be.

It's so true that the shadow is always there and it doesnt take much for it to fall over everything. Just before Christmas I was visting my friend. Her MIL popped in who I've only met once before, just as I was leaving and greeted me with a very warm and sincere congratulations. My friend had mentioned to her I was pregnant some time before but hadn't told her about the subsequent loss. It was very unexpected. My friend was mortified and apologetic, her MIL was confused, realising she must have said the wrong thing but not knowing why and I was hugely overcompensating, smiling and saying 'dont worry, it's fine, have a nice Christmas' and then ran out of the door. It made me feel so low for the rest of the day.

Cant - reading how all the events of your pregnancies played out for you shows not only what a incredibly difficult rollercoaster you have ridden but what strength you have. You always show so much wisdom in what you write and it is always reassuring. It's testamount to your strength that you use your experiences to provide comfort to us all. I imagine you as a calm, comforting person with great empathy. I think you are absolutely right in what you say about our babies never really existing for other people. It's what makes us feel so alone in our grief, a loss that others cannot quite grasp as it is too intangible.

Love to everyone else today, thinking of you all.

Hi everyone

I was thinking this morning, after reading your messages, that part of my grief definitely comes from the fact that no-one seems to understand or acknowledge the fact that James was real, and he lived, even if it was only in my tummy. I wonder whether if he'd been born alive, even only for a few seconds, people would see him as a real baby, not just as nothing. There are only 3 people outside me and OH that even know he was a boy, no-one else has asked. And my mum doesn't even know his name - every time I try and talk about him she changes the subject, like it's not important or she doesn't want to hear about it. Only my mother-in-law talks about him as her grandson, and I feel is sad for her own loss as well as ours, which I really appreciate.

I am having a hard week. I'm starting a new job next week which is good as hopefully it will provide a distraction, but I find that doing anything work-related is massively draining as it takes such an effort to pretend that nothing is wrong for long periods of time. And on Tuesday we are having a service to say goodbye to James and scatter his ashes. True to form the only person who asked to come is MIL, my own mother made a face when I told her and has not mentioned it since, so she doesn't even know when it's happening. It makes me sad that my lovely baby is meaningless to other people, but I guess it doesn't matter as he means so much to me.

Cherry, I'm so sorry that no-one mentions Leila to you - and for the situation with your friend's mother-in-law. The same thing happened to me while we were away when I met my friend's cousin in the pub, who congratulated me on expecting my second. I had to explain that I wasn't pregnant any more which upset me a bit and then made her feel dreadful. So not her fault and in a way I didn't mind as at least I got to mention it instead of pretending it hadn't happened. I'm sorry too for everyone else's sadness and pain, but I'm so glad to have found this place where my feelings are accepted as normal xx

Grandj,

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. I am so sorry your mum isn't giving you the support you need and deserve. My MIL was and is the same as your mum. She has no idea what we called our little girl. She doesnt know when we held her funeral and will just switch the subject if I begin to edge towards referring to our loss. My OH's sister has never acknowledged our baby since we told her that we couldn't continue the pregnancy.

My family however have been much more supportive although the only member of my family who still talks to me about Cara is my brothers wife. But she doesn't really talk to me as such, she offers to come to church with me to light candles, which in itself is a comfort as at least she acknowledges that I am still hurting.

I sent an email (via facebook in private message) to one of my closest friends yesterday as I was feeling so down and needed to talk to someone. She hasn't replied but I can see that she has been on facebook since my message was sent (those that use this stupidly addictive site know that you can see friends activity). And Im feeling really upset about this as I thought I could talk to her.

As you say Grandj, our babies mean so much to us, at the end of the day that is all that matters. It is nearly 4 months since we said goodbye to Cara. I didn't expect to be over our loss by now but I didn't realise how many times I would find myself back at the begining of the grieving process again. I have to remind myself that the chances are that if we had continued the pregnancy that we would have most likely lost her by now anyway. Not that that offers much comfort to be honest.

Sorry for lack of personals, and my thoughts are still with everyone who is struggling at the moment. I think we all fall into that group every now and then. xx