Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Lisbeth, you're bound to be frightened by the delivery, but you will get through it and you will come out the other side. Although my labour was long it wasn't too bad for the most part, and physically the actually delivery was fine. It seemed completely surreal to dh and I, we couldn't believe we were actually going through it. I suppose your body has its way of dealing with these things.

Don't even think about replying to individuals, just concentrate on you for now. There is enough going on.
So glad you feel you're being supported, it's such an important time to have support.

Am feeling quite low tbh. The visit to the counsellor went well, and it was interesting to hear what she said. In her opinion apparently I am coping well - she said the brain shutting down and going numb are very safe ways of dealing with so much grief and trauma. I've been worried that I'm not really feeling much, apart from occasionally, but she said that these emotions will trickle out in tiny, manageable bits. I feel more confident, but just very down now. Had to walk through a roomful of pg women, all waiting for scans. Normal life. I just can't believe that this has happened and that I can no longer look forward to meeting our baby in September. It hurts so very much.

I have to go and finish ds's supper now, and unpack the shopping. Maybe it's trying to return to 'normal' life that's having this effect on me. Who knows
Hope you're all okay, and Lisbeth, I shall be thinking of you and your dh and sending you strength for tomorrow xxx

Monkey, I felt exhausted, above all, by the whole experience. I blocked out much of the trauma, because the mind just cant take the whole reality of losing a baby like that. And I ended up feeling tired and sad and bone-weary. You cant carry on living at a level of intense trauma, especially with a toddler to contend with - actually, the toddler helps, too, because they give you the chance to mother and cuddle and do everything that has cruelly been denied to you.

Lizbeth, just do what you can to get through. It might take a while so do take something to read - something mindless. We had the chaplain come and bless our baby although am not religious - it helped to feel the baby was acknowledged and valued by someone else.

I would suggest you do hold your baby if you can - it really helped me. We were given hand and foot prints and photos to keep too; I couldnt look at them after the first time for ages, but I am profoundly grateful for them now.

Good luck and I will be thinking of you tomorrow, as I am of Monkey, Fufulina and everyone else.

Hi Coffee, Mishtabel, Popsy, Drama, Numpty, Lins, too!

Hi everybody,

Such a sad day today, and such sad days to come for our thread. Lisbeth, I am glad we can support you, just know that you and your dh and your baby will be in our thoughts tomorrow. The anticipation really is worse. For me, as I said before, my body took over and I didn?t actually realise what was going on. I mean, I obviously knew I was in labour, but what Cantdo said is right, the mind cannot deal with so much trauma and blocks some things out. You somehow find so much strength on the day, and you cope better than you would think.

We will be here for you after tomorrow, if you feel like coming here and letting it all out. If not, please don?t feel you have to ? the most important thing is for you to be gentle with yourself, and for you and your dh to take comfort in each other and in your dd.

Fufulina, I would say that, as long as you find a way to let it out, your anger can be healthy. I too felt so much anger, and as Dramamama was saying a few days ago, I used to shout in a pillow, or just cry out loud (I am working from home most days so could afford it). On the actual day when we went to the crematorium to see what memorial gardens they have, I broke down in the car and stomped my feet and shouted at the unfairness of it all. On a couple of occasions, when I felt physically a bit more energetic, I went to play squash with my dh, and it was so good to hit that ball. These days I don?t feel so angry anymore, just very, very sad and incomplete. But somehow I can cope better with this sadness than with the anger.

Monkey, it?s good you saw the counsellor. I recognise the numbness too, this is something I feel quite often. Like my mind just can?t take anything in anymore. I just go through the days, that?s all. Usually something eventually breaks this numbness, and there is rawness behind it, but it is indeed a coping mechanism.

I am also feeling low tonight. My dh is away until Sunday evening, and although before I was ok on my own (and he rarely goes away), now I feel very strange, can?t help thinking that if all was well he would have come home to two of us, and we would have spent a very happy bank holiday at home. I would have probably been quite uncomfortable by now, and the nursery would have been ready. Very often, when I walk around the house, or bend to pick up something, I almost feel pregnant, there is like a pregnant me following the real me everywhere.

I?d better stop now, I?ve gone on for too long already. Sending you all big hugs tonight. Cantdo, so very kind of you to reach out to those who need it most, when you?re so tired and busy yourself. xx

Morning all - Lisbeth, I was thinking about you on my way in to work today. And I'll be thinking of you all day. Sending love. I hope the hospital is good to you all - I'm sure they'll be wonderful - and sending the strength to take everything that this life throws at us. You will cope - you won't know how you possibly can, but you will.

Coffee - so odd what you were saying about the pregnant you following you everywhere - it so resonated with me. I feel that way at times - I find myself walking with a pregnant gait when I get up from the sofa, or bending with exaggerated carefulness; my hips gave out much sooner this time than with DD, and it's almost like a phantom pregnancy. Like my joints and body haven't quite caught up with the reality. Conversley, I noticed how much my hair is falling out today - which it did after I had DD. Hormones, I think, but yet another physical incarnation of the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore.

I'm so sorry you're feeling low, Coffee, but I think you have to go through the what-ifs, how life may have been different, to fully process that it's not, if you see what I mean? It would feel like yet another betrayal to my girls if I didn't know how far along I'd be now, if I didn't think about what might have been. It's painful, but for me, very necessary to do that.

Monkey - I'm glad the counselling went OK. I think it's an odd one when people tell you you're coping well - because that's what I keep being told, but I don't feel as if I am. At all. And it seems to diminish everything we've gone through.

I'm sorry - I feel like I'm dumping and being no support at the moment, to anyone, when I've got so much from the ladies on this therad. It's such a relief to find somewhere to talk.

Hey all, haven't posted in a couple of days but i have been listening to you all.
Monkey:I'm so glad the counselling well and even more glad over what she said because thats what i seem to be doing to letting my grief out in bite-size chunks so i'm relieved thats considered dealing with it well, isn't it funny how your body tries to protect you?
Cantdo:Your so right about having a toddler i feel so lucky to have my DS and i count my blessings everyday.
Coffee:I know what u mean about the pg version of yourself following you round i too still bend down using my knees and am careful when reaching above my head then realise i no longer have to be and it tears me up a little bit each time, glad i'm not the only one but at the same time sorry others are feeling it too.
Fufulina:Don't worry you feel free to dump on here all u want your perfectly entitled we all do it too so don't feel obliged to be a shoulder if u need a shoulder yourself.
Lisbeth:I'll be thinking of u and your DH today and sending all the love and hugs i can your way x

Sorry to add to the general sadness in here, but I?m having a bad day as well. It?s nothing compared with the rawness experienced by the new ladies, and I feel a bit guilty for what will seem like a moan in comparison, but I am so sad today ... it certainly doesn?t help that I?m home alone in the evenings. I just miss my baby so much, and can?t stop thinking about her, and about how our life should have been now. Yes, I know there is no should have, and life doesn?t owe me anything, but it still hurts like hell. My (relatively) quick recovery is due to the hope that I will get pregnant again soon, and that things will be ok. But what if this won?t be the case? 2 weeks until the post mortem results, and on days like today it feels like an eternity until then. I am so tired of just passing time, I?m so useless at the moment, I can?t find meaning in anything. All I can do is read all the posts in here, and other similar stories, I am living in a world of loss and heartache, in which pregnancies end in disaster and there is no easy way to have a baby. I was reading an article yesterday about how many women are unhappy that they can?t have the intervention-free delivery they want, and how many don?t want too much monitoring during labour, and while I do understand this, I was thinking that if I am lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy in the future, I would panic if medics weren?t around, in case anything goes wrong. And I don?t think that mentally I could do it without constant baby heart monitoring. But I?m just rambling...

Drama, such a shame indeed that your dh might not be able to attend the funeral. Do they know why he would like to take a day off, and isn?t there any chance for him to arrange something with one of his colleagues (you said they would be away, but maybe one of them would be willing to work if they knew what it was about)? Sorry if this doesn?t make any sense, at the end of the day I have no idea what work your dh is doing and I?m sure you discussed this all over... It?s so good though that you will have your family to support you on the day, and maybe your dh could go to the funeral directors and say good-bye the day before?

What you are planning to write on the card is very meaningful. We also put a letter with Silvia, and I knitted a tiny blanket and a very tiny hat for her, which the funeral director put in with her. I am not a crafty person, and the last time I knitted something (which my grandma would always finish for me) was about 20 years ago, in secondary school, but I felt that I couldn?t concentrate on anything else, reading was out of the question and I would get too bored of watching crap tv for hours, so at least I had something to keep me busy.
I am thinking of everyone else today, the old timers and especially all the newcomers and Lisbeth. So sad that we are all here, but so good that we have this space. It?s so therapeutic...

Coffee, no need to apologise at all, i have also had a rough few days. The emotions that you are going through are perfectly normal and you are coping well. Its a complete roller coaster. DH and i were talking the other day about both of our angel boys and how we are so so sad about our recent loss, it makes us miss our first even more. The sadness is there all the time. Sometimes manageable, sometimes not. I too have a real fear of not conceiving again. Unfortunately no-one in real life really gets it, do they? Some people even think it was only a pregnancy, get over it!!
Monkey-glad you are finding the counselling useful to you. When i met our bereavemnet counsellor i was so grateful feel not feeling like i was exagerating my feelings and that i could say how i really felt. She bought the birth certificate, blessing certificate and a memory box which we are eternally grateful.
Lisbeth- sending you strength for today and the days ahead.
Drama- I'm sure you have looked into all the options for DH to be there at the funneral. It must be so heartbreaking for you both. The words sound perfect, its so hard to write them isnt it? We didnt put anything with our last baby, i dont know why and yes i do regret it. I think i was trying to just box the emotions off, still am i suppose.We did with our first baby that we lost. He had a blanket (i intend to wrap him in my DS blanket, hunted high and low and it wasnt to be found, this caused a huge amount of stress) an elephant, photos and a lettter. I couldnt bare the thought of him being cold and alone. I should be 19weeks now and getting excited about finding out we are having a boy, not the empty feeling nd worrying will i ever have another healthy baby??
Anyway must go. Hugs to all you lovely ladies

Hi everybody, just an off-topic post to say that I absolutely hate the new links to facebook and twitter and am thinking not to post anymore unless they are removed. I hate seeing them next to the posts in here, such raw words and next to them an invitation to post everything on facebook and twitter, it is so inappropriate. Yes, MN is public, but there is a difference between a support thread in a public space and the same words posted on facebook/twitter. Not sure I manage to explain properly. Shame that marketing seems to prevail over everything else.

I agree coffee, if i wanted to pour my heart out on fb or twitter then i would be on there now wouldn't i?.
Having a better day today hope your all (relatively) ok XxXxXxXx

Hi all, just popping in to say hello, and that I hope your weekend was peaceful. Coffee, I use an iPhone, so the icons for FB etc are so small I didn't even see them til you mentioned it. I see your point though, seems a bit frivolous (?sp) for this thread. Is it so that you can post your comment on those sites? Don't really get it. I spent my weekend at a place a couple of hours up the coast, in our new (used) caravan; very relaxing. Anyway, I should be cooking tea. Thinking of you all xxx

PS. Welcome Lisbeth. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't really add anything to what these lovely ladies have said. It's worth repeating though that this thread is meant to be helpful, not a burden; post what you want to post, when you want to post. Don't worry about supporting others at this time. Sometimes just writing of your own feelings can help others who may be feeling the same realise they are not alone. Take care xx

Hello all
Well we had a horrible time at hospital. I had various complications, a 30 hour labour, every drug going and was honestly scared for my own safety twice during the process. DS was born and died on 30 April and I came home from hospital late on Saturday. We have named him and will be having a funeral for him with just me and DH in attendance in a week's time.
I passed one large clot and several smaller ones after delivery but the doctors were very relaxed about them saying they'd seen them on the ultrasound they'd done post delivery. I have been scared senseless though since that I will pass a huge clot or will end up with worse and having to go back into hospital. It's making it difficult to think of anything else although the community midwife who came to see us was very reassuring. It just feels so awful to be dealing with these fears on top of dealing with the emotional trauma of losing DS.
DH is doing ok and is being a complete superstar. He's very emotional too and is very up and downy and I just don't know for sure how to properly support him. My mum (who's still here helping us thank god) has been a godsend. So many people have been so kind to us.
I just feel like my brain has been scrambled and I can't organise my thoughts into any sort of clarity. It's a jumble of fear for me, sadness, frustration, anger, grief and guilt.
Hopefully all this will get better - I'm just really useless at not having a timetable for when it will get better. I just wish someone would say by x date you will be all back to normal and then I could just aim for that date. I know that can't happen but like so much else there seems to be no fairness. I also can't believe how unlucky we've been. At my age the chance of having a down's baby (DS had Downs and complete AVSD) are 1 in 350 - how is it that I'm that one? I know it's just being unlucky but good god that really is unlucky. That and the awful labour I had with spinal block and manual removal of a breech baby - just how unlucky can one person be? I know it doesn't work like this but it doesn't half feel like someone has got it in for me.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling. It's kind of you to say it's ok not to be able to provide support to others - I really hope I can do that soon. I don't like to take from others and not be able to give anything back.
x x

Lisbeth, I only have two minutes but I didn't want to read and run - I'm so sorry it went so horribly for you. It's bad enough to have to go through, without there being added complications. Your experience sounds very like mine, and I've found it very difficult to stop the whole thing being replayed again and again in my head.
The whole thing is so unfair, there's nothing to say to make it any easier . Just know that we are 'that one' too, and we can help each other through this terrible time...

I'm so sorry to rush off - I'm thinking of you lots and hope that you are able to take things easy.
Lots of love xxx

Monkey, thanks for your message. I'm so sorry you're 'that one' too. How horrible for us both - I never thought I would be that's for sure! DS was due on 6 September - I think that's going to be a tough day. I have been reading your posts with much interest thinking 'ah that's where I'm likely to be by then'. x

Lisabeth, so sorry your experience was even harder than it should have been. It is a very scary time. You are experiencing feelings that you have probably never felt before, and now all at once. I hated that out of control feeling. I was desperate to find that 'timetable' of feelings. Searched endlessly for it after my first loss last year. Unfortunately there isnt a timetable, but i guarantee you will come through this. You sound like you have amazing family and friends, dont be scared to ask for help, i wish i had done.
I have been that 'one' twice now, for different reasons, so i know how bloody unfair it will feel to you now, and for a long time to come. I was also due this September. It will be hard. One thing i am glad i did last year was, my baby was due in July last year and we went to the seaside and released 2 balloons on the beach, ate chips and ice cream on the beach and enjoyed spending time with my dh and ds. I have happy memories of that day now.
Here to support you all the way hun.
Take care of yourself
xxx

Lisbeth, you poor thing, so sorry to hear you had a complicated labour. Don?t even think about supporting anyone yet, you are at your rawest and need to process all the feelings you mentioned ? grief, anger, sadness. In February I was in the same place as you are in now, and yes, I can totally relate to the disbelief of being the one: for us, the chances were less than 1 in 1000. There is unfortunately no timeframe, the only thing I could do was just go through each day, one at a time. It is much better now than it was then. The sadness is still here, of course, and the rawness comes back every now and then, but generally it is much better. You will get there and most importantly you will find your own way to commemorate your baby . But it?s very early days for you and until you find some peace you need to deal with all these feelings , unfortunately, even if it is so, so painful. We are here if you need us.

I know what you mean by saying it?s all mixed feelings at the moment. It was the same for me, and I didn?t know which one hurt more. Then after a while the feelings started to separate, and the days started to differ. A few days when I was feeling angry were followed by a few days of terrible sadness, then guilt, and so on. It was horrible, but it meant that I could deal with different feelings at different times, and I seemed to understand different things about my grief. All the way, the wonderful ladies in here have helped me, have listened to me and have offered kind words.

The time will come when you will be able to help others, but it?s too early, you just need to take care of yourself at the moment, allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and be gentle with yourself. Big hugs xxxx

PS: Mishta, your weekend sounds perfect. There has been an interesting debate over the use of the facebook/twitter icons in Chat. xxxx

Lisbeth i'm so sorry you had such a copmplicated delivery, like u my chances were tiny (1 in 1,000 i believe) but like u i was that 1 and like you my darling little lost boy had downs and AVSD. It's compleately normal to feel like you would just love someone to say by x date u will feel ok i said the exact same thing to my DP (through much snot and tears) just take one day at a time it does gradually get easier to deal with and in the meantime we're all here for you.
XxXxXxx

Just been reading back through the last couple of pages, and it's hit me again how heartbreakingly sad it is that we are all going through or have gone through this. With each post I read, I was coming up with replies in my head, but now that I've got to the end I'm afraid they've all disappeared.
Am struggling today as tomorrow I have to go to the hospital and see a psychiatrist. While I was back in hospital the week after the delivery I had a mini breakdown apparently. The lady that I saw last week said that I went into panic mode but I don't remember anything about those couple of days. Am so confused about what happened, so maybe the doctor tomorrow will be able to set things straight. Am quite nervous in case she thinks I've gone mad, which is what dh said had happened
Anyway, after that I have to go and collect the star that's going to mark the grave of our little boy, and then take it along to where he's been buried. Can't tell you how much I am dreading it, with every single part of me. I have to go on my own as dh will be at work. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose it while collecting the star (he's buried in what's called the Star Garden where every grave is marked by a star, so that the babies are truly among the stars ). I can't figure out how I'm going to get the words out when I get to the Star Garden. What on earth do I say? I really want someone to come with me to hold my hand, but at the same time it feels so intensely private that I know that wouldn't be right. It's so difficult isn't it.

Lisbeth, I went through exactly the same feeling of being so scared when I eventually came out of hospital. I got an infection that started two days after having our little boy, and went back in for almost a week. I fainted while I was there, breaking my rib and bruising just about every part of me (still can't figure out how ). I lost so much blood during everything that happened, and was so weak, that for a couple of days after getting home I was convinced that I was going to collapse and was on the verge of calling the ambulance. A truly terrifying time, but it will ease. As the days go by, if you're anything like me, your confidence in your body's ability to heal itself will slowly increase, and your fears will lessen. Just take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself. I gave birth three and a half weeks ago, and physically am now feeling an awful lot better and have stopped bleeding, if that's any use to you. Emotionally I'm afraid it's another story, it takes a long time for the rawness to lessen.
Wrt your dh, it's a tough one. I find that lots of hugs help, and to be there to listen if he feels like opening up. Not to judge him too quickly if he's in a bad mood, and to assume that the said bad mood is because of what we've just been through, even if he isn't able to voice that himself. The fact that you're able to think and to worry about him at this early stage speaks volumes - I wasn't able to do that before this loss, and it was only from drawing on past experience that I've done it this time.

Drama, I'm so sorry that you've been feeling down, and I hope you managed to get through the one month mark okay. The poem you mentioned is just lovely.

Coffee, I hope you got through the weekend and I bet you were glad when dh returned. It's normal to compare our 'nows' to our 'what could have beens' but it's so painful to think about.

Before I go I just wanted to say that your day on the beach sounded lovely popsy. What a lovely way to mark such a sad time. I haven't ever marked a due date before now, as I couldn't think of anything to do that seemed right. Really hope you're as okay as you can be...

Am thinking of all of you on this thread and sending you lots of love xxx

Just a quick message monkey. Tomorrow, will be hard but we will all be with you, by your side giving you the strength to get through the day. Much love and strength
xx

Monkey, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. It will be a heartbreaking day, but maybe it will bring you some peace as well. Sad peace without any doubt, but peace nevertheless.

All I wanted to say is don't worry about finding something to say tomorrow, words might come to you or maybe not now, there is no right or wrong. You might find there is peace in the star garden, and your little boy is now with other children, which might feel "right" - although this word is not appropriate under these circumstances, I can't find another one. You are very brave.

I also hope your appointment with the psychiatrist will help. It's only normal to have a breakdown after everything you've been through, not only the tragic loss of your baby but also the medical complications. I hope talking about it with someone who knows what it means will help you. Three and a half weeks is still such early days. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, let us know how you are but only if you feel up to it. xxxx

PS: how are you popsy, are you feeling a bit more positive? sending you a hug as well.

Thanks coffee. I feel ok most of the time, although still have good and bad days. DH said how much better I am this time around, it's still only 6wks ago. DH has been a huge support this last year or so. We have grown so much closer. I couldn't have got through any of it without him.
My sad days have the same reoccuring thoughts. What I should be doing,That I miss my babies so very much, why me, what did I do wrong, and that I've lost friends. Very dear friends whom I miss. This is making me very sad ATM. Plus I keep having a dream most nights; I am pregnant and somethings wrong and ihave to deliver the baby early. There's lots of different parts to it, I won't bore you. But it's the same in the fact I loose another baby!
How are you feeling?
Anyway I'm typing on my phone so best go.

Oh popsy, each one of us is different and the circumstances are different, but there also seems to be so much common ground. I'm the same as you, ok with bad days. My ds has been my rock through this and we feel very close as well. In fact anxiety was starting to creep in while he was away but seems to have lifted now that he's back. I also miss my baby terribly, it's all physical actually, I feel it in all my body.

About friends, I know what you mean. The difference is that I am not sad, but bitter and resentful towards those who minimised our loss. I have had bad surprises, but also good ones, and now I know better whom I can trust.

Fufulina and Lisbeth, I hope you're ok and Monkey, we're thinking of you today. xxxx

Ladies - I have not written here for a few weeeks and so much sad news has arrived for you all since then. I am an old timer like Can'tdo; two terminations for DS and a MMC - how easily I write it now but how agonising it still is.
I just wanted to say to Monkey; I too have had a kind of 'breakdown' - although not sure how helpful that word is - in the past. In fact was after my husband left me. I think it is utterly understandable- the shock, the absolute shock of what you are experiencing, all of it, is more than the mind can comprehend. It can not cope, the hormones are flying around your body with nowhere to to settle. But you are calmer now; sad,angry, hurt, confused but calmer and able to write here. Do keep writing; do keep sharing with the women here. I can assure you that you do not sound mad in the slightest to me.
I hope today is a gentle one; reach out to us if you need us.
Popsy - I too have dreadful feelings of loneliness. In fact it is my overwhelming feeling at the moment; well that and anxiety.
I feel totally disconnected from most of my friends really apart from the ones i have made here. Golly I am not a very good advert for recovery.....as it is 18 months and one year since my terminations and 6 months since my MMC.
I also wanted to ask for some support really. There have been many women who have passed through our doors here. I am struggling a bit at the moment with this phase of recovery/ grief. The rawness has gone; but am left with anxiety and envy and disconnection from my friends who have not experienced baby loss; I feel a heaviness. I guess am depressed. If Pelvic-flawed, or Marj or any of you old timers are still reading ( and I read every day still although do not post) do you feel like sharing some thoughts on this phase, this period? I do feel so alone with it all.

Sorry to be posting such a misery post.
Just how am feeling really.
Busier Bee xxx

Hello, I found this thread last night and it is the only thing that's been any comfort to me in the last couple of months. Thank you all so much for sharing. I can't believe some of the things I've read that people have coped with.

I'm 6 weeks past a termination for T-13 and am deep in grief. My partner has two children already and much as I love them seeing the way he looks at them at the moment is unbearable. I'm furious with him for being so successful at 'life'. I guess grief has to hang off something.

I hope it's ok just to come in unannounced this way, but I wanted to say I'll be here for a while, lurking and crying and thinking 'god how did they cope with that?' for a bit, whilst trying to work and think of truthful things to say to those who have been luckier which don't make me a fake.

xx

Dear Mmetrayct
Firstly; although it feels wrong to say welcome when it is for such unhappy experiences, welcome to this little community.
It is a shocking and upsetting time for you and for so many women here. You have done an amazing job to get through this past weeks with little support from women who have lived it too.
I have a new partner and he has no children; the babies I have been trying to make are for him as he would dearly love to be a dad. So I guess he is feeling some of what you are feeling; the lack of fairness of it all, the lack of inclusion, the sorrow, the anger, the bitterness.
And harder for you too as you are a woman and your body has experienced it through every pore, every cell of your soul.
Speak here whenever you need to or want to. We are strangely strong and compromised at the same time; does that make any sense?
Well done for posting; your sorrow is no less agonising than anyone else's here.
Be gentle on yourself.
with love
Bee xxxxx