Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Welcome back Bee,though I'm so sorry you are in such an overwhelmingly sad place. I can totally relate to you feeling the distance between you and your RL friends, it feels so unnatural to just sit down with people and have conversations about day to day stuff, when you're still grieving. It just feel wrong. Maybe writing about it in here will help. Is there anything you can take comfort in, to help you get through this?

Mmetrayct, I am so glad you found this thread helpful, although of course it's such a shame that you had to find such help in the first place. Grieving uncovers a lot of contradictory feelings and confusing thoughts. Do you have any support in RL? Will you have any follow-up appointments with the consultant, to discuss the cause of what happened? Don't feel like you have to answer if you don't want to talk about it though. Whether it's writing or just lurking, just do whatever is right for you at this time. xxxx

Hello ladies

sorry I've been missing in action. I've been lurking and thinking of you all, and formulating posts in my head, but never had chance to type until now. Even now I may be interrupted so forgive me if I disappear suddenly and for my brevity.

It strikes me that following Bee's post that we are all in different places, but we've all been in the same place and we understand the shortcut words that signal much more complicated emotions and feelings. It doesnt go away after 6 months, or 18 months. It does change though..

Monkey, I am thinking of you laying your star in the garden of remembrance - what a beautiful, poignant image. You and Lisbeth both had horrid labours - I was lucky: at 20 weeks my baby was breech but small and my labour painful but short. And now I stop: lucky is relative, since I felt so unlucky to be delivering my baby stillborn at all.

The statistics, by the way, still do my head in and seem pointless. What my second baby had was 1 in 5000 chance, first one 1 in 1000, chance of both occuring (since unrelated) infinitesimally small. But it DID happen. And across a huge population even these unlikely statistics are going to strike individuals unfairly.

The way I see it now is: a healthy baby is a miracle, literally; it is so easy for things to go wrong.

And it is horribly isolating. I still feel that - apart from you lot. And it still feels so unlikely as to be unbelievable that we have gone through this. There is hurt, and guilt, and resentment, and anger. This experience, repeated twice, turned me in on myself much more.

I hope our babies are altogether somewhere. I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. It's OK to go mad, to scream and cry and rant. It's OK to get up and go to work and be normal.

I dont think I could have endured the last year without this thread. I am sorry I am so bad now at posting. I am sorry to see so many newbies who have gone through the same horror, but happy that this space exists for everyone to talk.

It is a year since my first lost baby was due. This time last year I was 16 weeks pregnant with the second baby, who I then lost a month later. I will be honest: the pain is numbed by having a tiny baby now. She is worth it all. But it all takes time and I have been lucky - finally.

Sorry for no personals but I am lurking, and thinking of all of you.

Hello and thank you.

Busierbee, thank you for your comments. I know deep down my OH feels the loss like I do but he can't express it, and I can imagine he wants to pull his children closer at this time but I feel so excluded from it and the way our routine just keeps going when I just want the world to stop, just for a little bit. That's grief though, isn't it?, the sense of searching for acknowledgement of the upset and the loss. I feel literally in two minds, one so pragmatic about the whole experience, so positive about the care we received, so understanding that creating life is more unlikely than likely, but on the other hand I'm just bereft. He has his first born and I will never have mine, and it's hurting.

Coffeeandchocolate, my OH would be my support really, I've never been through anything that I haven't expressed every tiny shred of feeling with him about but I can't. I have loads of friends, ones I really love who have been great, but how can they know how it feels?, it's such an unusual thing, and I feel as it was 6 weeks ago, there is this definite sense out here that it's over, that it's time to move on. I felt nothing for most of the experience when it was going on, disossociated, it feels like i'm only beginning to process it now. I have been for the follow up appt and it was confirmed at T-13 but no genetic problems. I don't really remember, I spent most of the appointments trying to think about how I should be acting, what was appropriate to someone hearing that news - so strange - that is disossociation apparently. I know there are notes somewhere for when I'm ready, if there is ever a next time.

But it's not all bad, work is good, I don't feel like eating cake for the first time ever.

xx

Hello everyone,
Welcome mmetracyt, like others have said its's horrible having to welcome you but i'm i'm glad you have found us; i know when i found the thread i felt glad it wasn't just me this had happened to i wasn't the only woman in the world who knew this grief. If it's of any help it's been 5wks for me and my DP only broke down on sun night he had a really good cry and got it all out which i was really glad about because like you i had started to worry, Liam would have been his 1st born though so don't worry if your OH doesn't break down in front of u i'll bet he does when he's on his own (my DP confessed he used to go to the loo to have a little sob when he needed to....which i must say i'm relieved about as i thought it might just have been my cooking!) i know from personal experience that having a child (or in your OH's case children) helps and u cherish them so much more because of whats happened its instinct i sometimes burst into tears just looking at my DS for no reason other then he's here, i can hold him and tell him i love him... i'm so scared i'll never get pg again or never have a healthy baby that also contributes.
right i'm off to do the ironing ( joy) but quick hellos to Coffee,mishta,monkey,Lisbeth,fufulina,bee,cantdo and popsy XxXxXxX

Hello ladies - not been back for a while. We've been away for the long weekend and I think I've been avoiding this thread. Awful to admit, but true - and the worst thing about avoiding it is that it's only when I come back that I realise how much help it is to hear what you're all going through. That what we're all feeling is normal. And avoiding it is just a ridiculous exercise in denial.

Lisbeth - I do hope you're OK and recovering from the delivery. I'm so sorry about the complications. I can only imagine that you're in a dark place at the moment. I wish I could offer more than platitudes but 4 weeks in and I can only say that I am less raw, but didn't realise how heavy grief is. How exhausting it is to carry it around all day, and not know when it will get lighter.

Hello to mmetracyt - I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I do hope that this thread offers you some support. I completely understand what you're saying about the dissociation. I'm finding work very odd at the moment; people are scared of me I think; scared that I'll break down or talk about the babies, so I'm ridiculously jolly during the day which really takes to out of me. It's exhausting behaving like I used to feel. Battling the lump in my throat.

We had the girls' funeral date through - May 19th. That hit me hard - not sure why. I knew it was coming but I can't bear the thought of the girls in the mortuary at the hospital for another 2 weeks. It will be over 5 weeks since I delivered the girls that we have the funeral. And it is so terrible to think of them still, alone, at the hospital. DH and I aren't really talking about anything much at the moment - I tried to talk about how I was worried we raced into the decision. I'm so worried that we raced into it, and everything would have been fine, and we didn't do enough questioning beforehand. But he doesn't want to know. And I find that hard - like I'm carrying the decision alone - although we did discuss it at the time. But I feel because we're not talking about it and I carried the girls, it's ultimately my 'fault'. All rather hard at the moment, and like other have said, friends and family move on - and I should be 'over it' by now.

I'm sorry I'm not replying to everyone individually - the sadness of having too many ladies on this thread.

x x

Lovely Bee

I looked up your email addy only a few days ago, as I was disconcerted by your absence and was wondering if you were struggling.

The grief/recovery thing is hard, so hard. But perhaps what makes it particularly heavy for us is that there's no template to work towards. It will be different for us all in so many ways. I'm a bit of a suffer in silence type, always have been. Yet, I think back to when I first came to this thread (When was that, 18 months or so ago? ) I immediately found the ability to write my feelings down very cathartic. Now, this was a good 3+ years on from my last termination. I had long passed the dark, emotionally draining sadness and had moved into a wistful envy for what I didn't have and a vague incomprehension of how things could have all gone so badly wrong.

If life hadn't changed last year, I guess that's where we would be now - manageable yearning whilst slightly bemused. Only getting cross - an intolerant pissed offness rather than blood boiling anger - when someone said something truly, truly idiotic. As we know, life changed. But long before that, I reached my own particular acceptance and was comfortable with that.

What helped me in the early days was the possibility that it all might still come good and this sustained me for a good couple of years. By the time it appeared evident that it wasn't going to happen for us, that raw stage had passed. So I suppose the potential to try again became a type of prop. Sometimes a sad prop, but a prop all the same. I'm no longer sure if this is something that you and the medics are investigating, or even if you would choose to go down that route again. I'm certainly not advocating it, just trying to explain what got me through from 2004 to about 2007.

You asked me way back when if the sun would ever shine again and I answered fervently so. I'm not changing my mind on that, have rambled on and probably not helped in the slightest, but I am willing you on to happier times, whenever they might be.

Love to you and your family.

And a hello both to old friends and the (sadly) growing number of new faces. x

Dearest Shangrilalala
Hello lovely lady. Well in fact it was March 09 when I wrote my first post here on MN. So that is when we first met here. And who would have thought that you would now be blessed with your precious child. It does give me comfort that you have negotiated the trials, the agony, the good and bad days. I know you have had bad ones.
What you say about grief is correct I think. Cantdo helped me to identify and name some of these processes today. That there is the immediate agony and raw hell. And then there is the desperate longing for another pregnancy; since otherwise there is no sense to be made of all the agony.
And I have had that; which is why I have had two more pregnancies.
Somehow though I have given up hoping; I will be 43 in September. I have abandoned folic acid. I have abandoned hope; or rather hope has abandoned me it feels.
And as you rightly say, as Cantdo says, it takes time.. and I need to let time do its' job.
I need to be gentle on self and allow the envy and loss and anger to wash in and out. Mostly it is for him; my fatherless, lovely man who is not a father. Since, as you know, I am already a mum.
Shangrila; thank you so much for reaching out. I do so much appreciate it.
kisses to you

Bee I'm so sorry. I wish I had wise words to offer, but feel at a loss. Just to say I'm thinking of you and your LM. xx

Hello Fufulina,

Thank you for your kind words, I understand what you mean about needing the thread and not wanting to need the thread, it can be too much to hear about others sorrow sometimes, yet other times it can be just what you need. I found myself re-reading the stories in the ark newsletter tonight - I don't even know why.

I can't imagine being at work (in an office) I work from home so can work round when I'm not sad. I've been working like crazy to get through this though and think my work ethic is beginning to wear my boss out, I can really get away from this when working so I'm keen to work as much as possible which I think he's finding a bit odd that I'm getting so much work done so quickly. I think it's simply when I associate myself with working well I'm not associating myself with someone who's lost something. When I stop working - I'm back to the loss again. And I guess we all have to be ok with the loss before anyone can move on.

From the little I can understand of your situation which is heartbreaking for so many reasons, it does seem that the date of your funeral is the next step for you. Now I guess you start to feel your way towards that next date. It's just tragic, and I can only just feel how the weight of that date must feel. But then how can you even begin to process what's happened to you until you've been allowed to go through that? I'm sure it will be a memorable day, and seems a fitting way to honour two beautiful but short lives. I know we've only just met but I'll be here every day till then and want to know how you're doing if you want to say.

I think men do get full up on talking about things, it's well documented, I'm sure the reality of the funeral date has hit your DH hard, I'm sure he'll be back there soon for you as soon as he can.

with love xx

Hello Fufulina,

Thank you for your kind words, I understand what you mean about needing the thread and not wanting to need the thread, it can be too much to hear about others sorrow sometimes, yet other times it can be just what you need. I found myself re-reading the stories in the ark newsletter tonight - I don't even know why.

I can't imagine being at work (in an office) I work from home so can work round when I'm not sad. I've been working like crazy to get through this though and think my work ethic is beginning to wear my boss out, I can really get away from this when working so I'm keen to work as much as possible which I think he's finding a bit odd that I'm getting so much work done so quickly. I think it's simply when I associate myself with working well I'm not associating myself with someone who's lost something. When I stop working - I'm back to the loss again. And I guess we all have to be ok with the loss before anyone can move on.

From the little I can understand of your situation which is heartbreaking for so many reasons, it does seem that the date of your funeral is the next step for you. Now I guess you start to feel your way towards that next date. It's just tragic, and I can only just feel how the weight of that date must feel. But then how can you even begin to process what's happened to you until you've been allowed to go through that? I'm sure it will be a memorable day, and seems a fitting way to honour two beautiful but short lives. I know we've only just met but I'll be here every day till then and want to know how you're doing if you want to say.

I think men do get full up on talking about things, it's well documented, I'm sure the reality of the funeral date has hit your DH hard, I'm sure he'll be back there soon for you as soon as he can.

with love xx

Hi everyone,

So much to catch up on in here. I?ve actually been ill yesterday so haven?t been able to check the thread, and today although I?m feeling much better my mind is still a bit frazzled, so not sure I?ll make too much sense. I?ll try though, I don?t seem to be able to keep away for too long, I am addicted to this space.

Shangrila, what a lovely post! And Bee, I am so so sorry that I can?t find the right words, to take even a little bit of the pain away. What has sustained me and made my recovery relatively quick is the hope of trying again, the hope that one day it will all end (or rather begin) well. I am so sorry you feel that hope is gone, and I can?t say anything that would be helpful in the slightest, except that I wish that one day you will either find hope again, or if not find peace, somehow.

Cantdo, I feel exactly the same now, that a healthy baby is a miracle. Gone are the times when I was taking this for granted, in a ?When I?m ready, I?ll have children? sort of way. The innocence gone forever...

Mmetracyt, I also work from home most of the time, and this is one of the reasons I went back to work early. I felt I couldn?t be at home without anything to do, and also I could stop when it was getting too much, cry and shout if I needed to, and then start again.

Fufulina, I broke down after hearing the cremation date confirmed by the chaplain. I have been terribly afraid of that day, my anxiety was unbearable. Like you, I hated the thought of my baby girl at the hospital, all I wanted to do was cuddle her. But taking our time allowed us to plan the service and make other arrangements, we were undecided as to what we wanted for ages. Now when I look back, I realise there is nothing else I would have done differently, and we sent her off in a meaningful way. Although very sad of course, this thought is also comforting. Your girls are together at the hospital, so try to take some comfort in this thought.

As to doubting your decision, I feel for you. I was exactly the same, and now, that the consultant follow-up appointment is getting closer (next Thursday), I start to feel the same doubt and guilt again. I have wondered for ages if we shouldn?t have waited a bit more and have other tests, if we shouldn?t have believed in a miracle. I don?t have an answer to that, as I am quite fragile myself at the moment, but I just wanted to say that everyone seems to have felt the same at some point and it seems to be a stage of our journey through grief. I don?t know what more we could have done... In my good days I see quite clearly the arguments which led us to our decision, and remember that it is not a decision we have taken lightly. Lovely Bee was talking once in here about responsibility, and it is true, our responsibility as parents begins way before our children are born, and knowing what we knew about their prognosis put us in this awful situation.

I think men process all these things so differently though. My husband is suffering terribly too, but in a different way to me, and he has no doubt whatsoever that we made the right decision. As you say, it?s not the same for us, as we carried the babies, and bonded with them so early on, the experience is so physical for us, and when we miss our babies we miss them physically as well, in addition to crying for all the hopes we had. Your husband might not be ready to talk yet ? I know this doesn?t make it easier on you. I hope you both find a way to ?break the ice? soon.

Dramamama, I hope you and your dp are as ok as you can be in the run-up to the funeral. I?m glad your dp broke down (sorry, this sounds awful, but you know what I mean). Bottling it all up is horrible and very unhealthy, and it?s good he let it all out, I?m sure he felt better afterwards.

Much love, xxxx

Hope you feel better soon Coffee xx

Mmetracyt, I'm from Oz and it's 2:30am here, so I don't trust myself to say too much right now, just wanting to send you > xx

Hello and love to everyone else xx

Thank you Mishtabel, it's so lovely somehow to have this grief acknowledged from the other side of the world. So great to think that someone in Oz knows of the life that was.

Hope everyone's doing ok, I'm working hard and taking time off to be sad. OH is away with his (other) kids and although it's hard, things are so tough right now, I'm glad to be alone with my thoughts (and of course the election). I've read so much more of the threads now and know so more of people's stories. It does seem a recurrent theme, the pressure on the relationship and everyone seems to struggle with the different ways men and women process the experience.

I have a couple of questions, I didn't find out the sex after the results of the CVS, I really want to know, do you think this is natural or that I should just let it go? If I called the neonatal unit do you think they'd tell me?

Also - the thought of 'ttc' seems so far from my abilities right now, did anyone else feel they really needed time.

love to all xx

Mmetracyt, even now, three months down the line, I find it very hard to be home alone for more than a few hours. Will you be alone for long?

With regards to your questions... First of all I wanted to say that there is no right or wrong, what is right for one of us might not be so for another one. However, it is very natural to want to find out the sex of your baby, and maybe name him/her? No reason why you should let it go and I am sure the hospital would tell you. I am really not trying to suggest you should or shouldn't do it, but if you really feel that you have to know maybe this is what would be right for you now and in the long term as well? Sometimes we seem to know the answers before our mind has had the chance to process things rationally. On the other hand, if you are not totally convinced and still hesitate, maybe give it a bit more time to see if you still feel the same after a few days?

About TTC... again, each one of us is different. For me, the urge to get pregnant again is overwhelming. But at the same time having had some months to think about what happened and come to terms with my loss helped. We're not TTC yet, but what I can say is that I feel different now to what I was feeling three months ago (I can't believe it's already 3 months!). Like I can close a chapter before starting another. Not close it in the sense that I will forget my baby, but in that I can carry her memory more lightly while focusing on something positive in the future.

I don't think there are straight answers to your questions. I do think though that whatever you feel is right for you is really right. Also, does your hospital have a bereavement midwife? I only met mine a few weeks ago, and just once, but she is really lovely and it helped me to speak with her. Maybe give them a call if you feel like you need to speak with someone who knows what you're going through?

Thank you so much for your words here coffee, I will think about asking the gender question, I want to know, but I don't know why I want to know now and it hasn't been an issue before. I will try to figure it out.

Did you want to try again straight away or did you feel you had to have a break? I just don't feel I can start again right away and yet I feel my age.

Thinking a lot of the situations of monkeybumsmum and lisbeths. I know it helps to see your name and know people are thinking about what you're going through and how you're coping. These are tough days for you, I send you strength and admiration for just getting through the days.

I'm going to have dinner at my friends house, she's a vegan but luckily a good cook as well.

love xx

Bee,

How lovely of you to remember me in your recent note. I too read, but don't feel like i have much to contribute to the saddnes of the thread.

I can completely understand your feelings, as you say the rawness has gone, for me it feels like it almost happened to someone else. I too had a MMC at 11 weeks in November last year, 8 months after losing Joseph. I now feel completely overwhelmed by the need to be pregnant and have another baby. I feel pressure every month and await my period to see if I've fallen pregnant. It's such a horrible feeling as my life seems to revolve around getting pregnant. I feel so jealous of people who have recently had babies and keep thinking that should be me. I'm 41 in November so time is running out for me and the more I think about time, the more pressure I put on myself. I can't allow myself to believe I won't have another baby, I'm not prepared to go down that road just yet, but there will come a time.

Much love Bee and others on the thread xxx

Marj1, I know your story from reading back on this thread, I will keep my fingers crossed that all will be well eventually. xx

Mmetracyt, I did feel the urge to get pregnant straight away, because I was still feeling pregnant but I wasn't, if this makes sense. Looking back though, I wouldn't have been ready, and actually despite hoping that we'll be able to ttc soon, I think that if someone told me in the early days "ok, you can start again now", I would have freaked out. Even now, although knowing that another baby would not replace Silvia, I am still very scared at the prospect of being pregnant again.

I think your fear of trying again is very natural, and you not feeling ready is your mind's and body's way of telling you that you are still raw, and there are feelings which need dealing with before starting again. I am lucky to have age on my side from a ttc point of view, so there is no pressure yet, but if you really don't feel ready I don't think that taking that little bit of extra time will matter in the grand scheme of things.

As for why you have only started now to feel the need to know the gender, again I think this makes sense actually. What we went through is a trauma, and the mind has such weird ways sometimes to deal with it. You can't think of everything in the early days,it would be too much, things are buried deep inside our minds and then come out, one by one, and need dealing with. This is what I found most tiring in the early days, this constant rollercoaster, each day different to the one before.

I am having a pretty bad day myself, but luckily work is very busy and I can distract myself somehow.

Big hugs to everyone. xxxx

Sending u (((hugs)))coffee i'm feeling strong today so i'm here for u . i'm having a bit of a dilema today actually tbh i started my period for the 1st time since the termination and it sort of shocked me i had to laugh at myself cause i've been having them for yrs but it was like having the first one all over again lol...anyway after i pulled myself together i realised that i will now have an indication of when i'm ovulating and i don't know if i want to ttc again or not, I spoke to DP about it and he said he was ok with it if i wanted to...which didn't help; i was hoping for a yes or a no woman are you mad?! and then i realised i should really be focussing on tues at the min and decided to say goodbye to my darling boy first then i think i can make an informed decision, it's strange on the one hand i'm terrified of being pg again on the other i just want to know i am capable of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby i may just hire someone to make all lifes decisions for me.
Sorry i haven't done any personals today tbh just needed to get the thoughts out of my head before it exploded, but any thoughts or experience of this would be greatly recieved XxXxXxXxX

Thanks Dramamama. I didn't want not to reply, although I really don't have anything useful to say. I am also terrified of trying again, but I feel like I have no choice, I really want children, and this is stronger than the fear.

I'm getting ready for a DYI week-end, which is good because it will keep me busy. I am more and more anxious as the consultant appointment is getting closer, but I'm used to getting through the days by now.

Sending hugs to all of you lovely ladies, I hope the week-end will be peaceful xxxx

Hello to everyone who has been thinking of us. It's been an extremely difficult week and it feels like one of the longest I've ever endured.

I'm not looking forward to but more anticipating our DS' funeral service on Tuesday morning. The weather looks as though it will be fair which should help. We're burying him in our local woodland burial site and having a non religious service - we just haven't quite worked out how to say what we want to say. I think I want to ask for DS' forgiveness for what we had to do but I don't suppose I'll ever feel I've got that.

Just before I got out of hospital I passed one big blood clot and became convinced I was going to die (despite being told that the clot was expected and had been seen on the scan they'd done post deivery). I had a panic attack (the community midwives tell me that's what it was) on Monday night when I passed another blood clot that looked tissue-y. I wasn't able to control my fear and I genuinely thought I was going to die. I have never been so frightened. Now, several days later, I am more confident about my body as it's recovering from the labour well. It did take one very experienced midwife to sit with me and DH for 2 hours telling me repeatedly that I wasn't going to die and that I wasn't going to lose horrific amounts of blood.

I've also felt extremely low (not surprisingly) at times. Whilst in labour I had a fair amount of pethidine and that made me believe that a god (of some sort) was telling me that losing DS was a punishment for being so greedy as to want 2 children and that if I promised never to try to have another one he would release me from the situation - I'm not sure if I made that promise or not. I think this came out of feelings of guilt. I know we made the right decision in ending the pregnancy (and DH agrees) but I've found that you can still feel sure it was the right decision but also feel extremely guilty too.

I have felt extremely vulnerable, helpless and out of control but am starting to feel better able to handle things. I thought DH and I would miraculously make it through this without a cross word but we have been short and snippy with each other at times. This is being exacerbated by DD who is being a 2 year old and is obviously unsure and wary of what's going on and so is behaving in a 'challenging' (huge euphemism!) way on and off. Not her fault though.

Anyway, ramble, ramble, ramble. I'm extremely lucky to have DH and my mum here and to be on the mend. I'm just glad I'm this side of it.

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend and I think of all of you and your babies x

Hi Lisbeth. Your baby?s funeral day is the same as Liam?s, Drama?s little boy. We will be thinking of you both here. On my baby girl?s cremation day, all the ladies in here were wonderful, and it meant so much to know that my Silvia was in their thoughts.

You have been through so much, and you are still traumatised by this whole experience. But the fact that you have been able to write things down and share your feelings with us is a massive step forward I think. I was lucky not to have a long labour, and only had a bit of pethidine at the end, but this and the hormones still messed with my head. No wonder it?s been so much worse for you.

As for guilt, I still feel it sometimes, and it takes a long time I think for it to go away. It is guilt I struggled a lot with; I found that whereas I can cope with all the other feelings, guilt was flooring me. But the ladies in here, Mishta and Cantdo especially, helped me see that guilt is associated with motherhood, that if I feel it this doesn?t mean I really am guilty, and more importantly that even if I had decided to continue the pregnancy guilt wouldn?t have gone, on the contrary, it would have been even more debilitating.

Your voice is very raw, but also very strong. And you still have all the hormones raging through your body, so be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel in order to get through these horrible days. We are here if you need us. xxxx

Hi everyone,

Really hate to just drop in like thus but not much time to post properly as Bella's having her sleep study, and is being woken occassionally by a screaming toddler in the next room (who is also getting a sleep study). Just wanted to say I will be thinking of you both tomorrow Drama and Lisbeth xx

Still reading and silently cheering you all on (I think many do actually). Really thought I'd be able to post properly tonight, but alas....

Thinking of you all xxxx

Drama and lusabeth so Sorry for a quick post but I've been thinking of you both today. Wishing you a peaceful day. Sending strength your way ladies. Xxx

Drama, I'm not sure if I'm going to be on the computer again before tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you and Liam tomorrow morning. I hope it brings you peace. We're burying our DS at 9.30 and when I say goodbye to him I'll think of your little one too xx