Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

I completely agree popsy, there is no right or wrong, and the circumstances are different every time. I have been tortured as well (and still am some days) by the image of my little girl, how perfect and beautiful she was. But although this is so painful, I am also very glad I saw her, and held her, and spoke to her and was able to say good bye. Again, there is no right or wrong, as each of us is so different, but for me it was the right thing to do.

What is different for me now, compared with the early weeks, is that whenever this image comes into my mind, I realise that no matter how painful it is for me, it would have been a thousand times worse if I had seen her suffer. It doesn't always work, and on days like this Friday and Saturday I still sob when I think of her, but there seems to be a bit more clarity in my mind. I hope it will last, as I said I prefer to be cautious.

About TTC, we're still "on hold", but I started taking high-dose folic acid and multivitamins anyway. Popsy, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. When I met with one of the local midwives a couple of weeks ago, she said that when we decide to try again, we should do our best not to become too stressed over it... easier said then done I guess.

Hello ladies,
Firstly big congrats to mr Lins!!! what an acheivement! ARC helped us a lot (well still are really) and what a lovely way to remember your beautiful girls.
Coffee i know just what u mean about panicking something will happen to DH, my DP was half an hr late home from work the other day and i suddenly went into panic mode that something horrible had happened! we live just outside Exeter in Devon and he gets really poor phone signal as well so when he got in and his phone went bk to normal he had about 17 missed calls whoops! monkey is right after losing someone like we have it hits home that really anything can happen.
Monkey thank-you for the compliment he is a little smasher he really keeps me going your DS is adorable too, Liams funeral is on the 11th of May i can't say i'm looking forward to it as DP may not be able to get off of work (2 other staff members are off that day) so it could well just be myself and my family (his all live in london so we said not to worry) he is really upset about it but said if it comes to it he will come with me at the weekend to say goodbye, I hope everything went ok with your phone call; i think your very brave i couldn't bring myself to hold Liam neither could DP we were too cut up and i regret it now truth be told but i think it is a little easier for me not having a mental pic of him i think that wld break me but i feel like i let him down because he didn't even get a cuddle from his mummy so i know how u feel.My bithday btw is the 9th of June so still a little way to go yet! i wanted to know about what to take to boost our chances i'm still taking folic acid (my doc advised me too just in case we do want to ttc again) what does co-enzyme Q10 do? i'm a bit dense about these things DM XxXxXxXxX

Hi ladies - my I drop by? I'm a bit lost really, and the realisation is dawning that I won't just wake up one morning and be better (I think I thought it was a bit like flue, or something) - that my internal landscape has changed forever.

I have a DD - 16 months old, and was pregnant. I found out at our 12 week scan that I was carrying identical twins, who shared a placenta and one of them was tiny. Cue 4 weeks of waiting for the 16 week scan - we were effectively told that we'd be very lucky to get to 16 weeks. But we did. And at 16 weeks, everything was OK.
Twin-twin transfusion syndrome was ruled out and we were OK. Cautious but OK. 18 week scan was the best we could hope for - both girls growing on their trajectory. Little girl still tiny but growing.

We found out at the 20 week scan that our littlest girl had died, with all the associated implications this held for the surviving twin because of her shared placenta. At 22 weeks, we found out our bigger girl had signs of brain damage due to her sister's death.

We chose to end the pregnancy. I delivered the babies at 2am on Saturday 10th April. And I'm not coping. I went back to work on Thursday, which was a huge hurdle, but it was only when I didn't have the freedom to weep whenever I wanted to that I realised I had been having random small cries every day - at odd times. And not being able to weep is taking its toll.

I miss the babies. I feel terrible that I left them at the hospital. And that they are still there. I am mourning the innocence of a healthy pregnancy. And I just wanted to get this down somewhere where people understand - and where I won't be asked how 'the operation' was. And where I won't have people asking me why the labour took so long, because why can't it be quicker when the babies are dead? And people won't scuttle off into corners and avoid my eyes. Because I was 5 months pregnant with twins, and now I'm not. What do you say?

Hi Fufulina,
I haven't posted for a little while. I've been listening but the new ladies are doing such a lovely job of supporting each other, I've just been silently cheering them on from the sidelines. Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughters. Your story has many tragic similarities to another lady here, Allways, so heartbreaking. It is so understandable you feel as you do. It is such early days for you. The ladies here are so welcoming and supportive, you are in good hands. Whereas people in RL often have no idea how you feel and what to say (so instead if just saying that, they go on to either make hurtful comments or nothing at all) people here do understand. Please come and talk whenever you feel the need. There's always someone around to listen. Hugs to you xxx

Also a very warm welcome to Drama & Monkey. I'm also, needless to say, very sorry for your losses. You're both gorgeous, btw, as are your boys (love the pics). Take care xxx

Hello and much love to everyone else. As I mentioned to Fufulina, I've been reading and thinking of you all xxx

PS: Lins, your man sounds lovely. You must be proud. Give him a kiss for me. And to your little man also xxx

Oh fulfulina! i'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girls ((((hugs)))) i had my baby boy (17wks) on the 1st so like u i'm still a bit raw, but you have found a safe place whatever is on your mind you can come here and share it with us, i'm also quite new to all this but have found this thread such a support it reminds me that i'm not alone and cheers me to hear of women who have gone on to have healthy babies.
I have to go and do the nursery run but will get bk to u again at some point and i know lots of the other ladies on here will want to offer words of support and comfort till then just be gentle with yourself take it one day at a time DM xXxXxXxXx

P.S: Thanks Mishta! my DS is always gorgeous...i however am wearing my jim jams and have birds nest hair at the mo so will have to work on getting up to his standard! lol XxX

((Fulfulina))we on this thread will never avert our eyes. I know this for sure as the people on here have held my hand so tightly when I've needed. I too lost identical twin girls in very similar circumstances. My girls Rose and Lilly were born on the 7th March after we lost Lilly at 14 weeks and terminated Rose at 31 weeks, due to her brain being damaged. Have you named your daughters, you can talk about them here. Your girls, their names, your memories of them are all safe here if it helps you to share and talk about them.

Ladies - thank you so much for your lovely replies. I've been lurking for a while and it's already been a huge help to know there are other people who are going through what we are. We have named the girls, but for some reason that I can't really articulate, we're keeping their names private. The funeral arrangements are underway (the hospital is arranging it) but that seems to be taking forever, and I so hate the thought of the girls alone at the hospital. And I vacillate between wanting to see them again and wanting to keep my memories of them as they were when they were born. They were warm and beautiful. But they went cold so quickly.

Allways, thank you so much as well for your reply. It sounds so similar to our situation. I'm so sorry. Can I ask, did you have a funeral for your girls? I'm dreading it in many ways, but also so desperate that they are acknowledged, if you see what I mean? That they are treated with the respect of a funeral.

Thank you again ladies.

Hello all

I'm so glad to have found this thread but so sorry to see it is so busy because that means that there are lots of people who are or have been going through what me and DH are going through.

We found out this last week following a 20 week abnormality scan that our baby had a severe heart defect and this morning found out he has further defects. We have taken the decision to end the pregnancy (now at 21 weeks) and will be going to hospital this afternoon to take the tablets and then on Thursday to induce labour.

We are both very upset and worried about what lies ahead for us. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get through the next 48 hours? I think probably anticipation of delivery might be worse than the reality but I'm not sure.

Also, we have a DD who is 2.7. She knows there is a baby growing in mummy' tummy. we thought we might explain to her that sometimes babies in mummies' tummies don't grow right and then they have to go away. Has anyone had any experience of explaining something like this to a child of this age - any suggestions very gratefully received.

I won't be at the computer until this evening so will check then. I am sorry I can't reply to anyone else here yet - I feel selfish dropping in and asking for help without offering anything back yet.

Hi Fufulina and Lisbeth,

I am so sorry that your place is on this thread as well. You have come to a safe and warm place, but so unfair that you had to.

I decided to let my baby girl go at 22 weeks due to severe brain anomalies. It?s 10 weeks ago today and I still struggle, although I am in a much better place than in February. Silvia was ? and always will be, actually ? my first baby, and if I feel more able to cope with the daily life now it is because of a wonderful dh and the ladies in here.

I recognise myself in your words, in your grief and your rawness. Even if we all cope differently, the pain is the same. Fufulina, the day when I left my baby at the hospital has been one of the hardest of my life, and same as you, all I wanted to do was go back and see her one more time. I didn?t in the end, but it hurt so much. It?s such early days for you, I?m not surprised that you need to cry whenever you feel like it. I cried buckets in the first few weeks and still am, some days. I was actually furious to read that you have been asked why the labour was so long!!! You know people just don?t have any idea, but in these early days, when you are so very fragile, it hurts so much.

Don?t worry about not sharing the names of your two precious babies ? it has been said so many times in here, there is no right or wrong. You might want to in the future, or you might not want to, and it?s ok no matter what you choose. I found it very comforting to write Silvia?s name in here, because no one in RL (well, almost no one) seems to acknowledge that she has been a real baby, that we don?t love her less because she was ill and not born at 40 weeks. But there are no rules, there is only what you feel is right for you.

About the funeral: we chose to have a cremation, then bury the ashes. I was dreading the funeral, and my posts in here at that time were desperate. On the day of the cremation, I went numb, I did get through it but even now, it?s all unreal in my mind. The turning point for me was last Monday, when we buried the ashes. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time it felt that this was the ?right? thing to do. Now, whenever I go to the cemetery, my heart breaks again and again, but it?s so comforting that, as you say, my little girl?s life, however short, has been acknowledged.

Lisbeth, my heart goes out to you. Not long ago, I was in the same place as you are now. There is nothing I can say to make it easy, it is so incredibly sad. The only thing I can say is that giving birth to my little girl has not been the worst part of this awful experience. I personally found that in those moments, my body was focused on the birth itself, and it was only later that the realisation of what actually happened sunk in. I think it was the combination of hormones and morphine, I can?t explain it any other way.

As for the next 48 hours, again there is no easy way to get through them. What I did was ?say? good-bye to my little girl, I wrote her a letter and I wrote for myself as well. Somehow time passed. I was a wreck in those 48 hours, and I honestly thought there was no way I could bounce back. But you don?t bounce back, you crawl back, until the days become bearable again.

My experience, I?m sure, is very different to yours, as I don?t have other children. Maybe one of the other ladies in here can tell you something more useful. I?ll be thinking of you these days.

PS: Mishta , I missed you xxxx

(((Lisbeth))) I'll be thinking of u, as i said to fufulina i made the same decision as u i lost my little one on April 1st (he too had a heart defect (AVSD) and downs as well as a raised chance of hertsburgers) and went throughwith the tablets and delivery...i had to dupe myself that i was taking paracetemol and even then i threw up and had to take them again that was definetly because of the anxiety, the delivery i found ok i had to have 2 pesserys and then it was all over very quickly i didn't find it very painful but you can have gas and air if u find it is for you it's a bit like early labour really.
It is afterwards i found hard (and still am) i won't lie to you those 48 hrs are heartbreaking and so emotional i've been from numb to wracked with grief to angry and back to numb but somehow you will find a way through and just know that were all here for u whenever u want to have a good rant and get it all out we'll be listening and sympathising with u

Hi Lisbeth - I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I actually didn't think we'd be strong enough to go through the delivery, but it was actually rather beautiful in a very strange way. Odd though it sounds. The hardest part, and the part I was most terrified about, when they stopped our bigger girl's heart. But although I know I was there it all seems terribly unreal to me now.

I do hope your hospital is good with you - every single one of the people we dealt with was absolutely amazing. They were incredibly sensitive and treated us, and the babies with the utmost tenderness and respect.

I went in at 10, her heart was stopped at 10.30, and then by 11 I was in a delivery room with 2 midwives. I had a pessary, then 2 lots of tablets orally, and delivered the babies at 2am the following morning. I had a morphine drip in from about 6 hours in - it helped, but it's not the magic bullet I was expecting. I didn't think I'd be able to feel anything but the last couple of hours were quite intense. My babies were born together, still in their sacs, with the placenta. We spent about an hour and half with them after the delivery (DH wasn't sure he wanted to but he did when he saw them), then we both slept (DH on the floor on a bed the midwives sorted out for him), with the babies next to me in a cot.

I'm so so glad I delivered them. And for me, that marked the start of my mourning, but for my DH, I don't think he really realised what we had lost until he saw them. There's that saying - a woman is a mother as soon as she becomes pregnant an a man a father when he holds the baby. I think because I'd been feeling them wriggle around for about 4 weeks, so they were incredibly real for me, and pregnancy is so physical. So although DH was a wreck in the delivery room, I was actually OK. Although in hindsight, that may have been shock, fatigue and the morphine all playing a role.

I actually found the next days the hardest. I think because we'd had a complicated pregnancy we had just gone from scan to appointment to scan and I didn't anticipate the days post-birth. And I thought the delivery would be the hardest part. It wasn't for me. Leaving the babies at hospital and coming home not pregnant any more was very very hard. Be kind to yourself, be kind to each other. And My mum came to look after DD, and then my sister came over on the Sunday to give us some time out.

I am thinking of you, Lisbeth. It's an odd one - life throws things at you that you never think you'd be able to deal with. But you do. And you find ways of coping at the time.

xx

Oh Lisbeth and Fufulina, huge hugs to you both. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Fufulina that feeling of leaving your baby/ies at the hospital is an awful one. My strongest experience of that was a couple of years ago and I described it to dh at the time as feeling like a piece of elastic was being stretched as far as it could go the further away we went. I was desperate to go back. It's such an awful feeling of loss, like your heart is being tugged out, and only time will make it easier. I'm so so sorry for you that you have lost your babies. It's such a shock to have a bump, and then to have nothing. We lost our last baby almost three weeks ago, at 15 weeks, and I've also had people asking me about being in hospital, and they don't understand when I tell them there was no other way than to go through labour. But then how can they understand if they have never been through this? It's such an awful awful time, and I am thinking of you.

Lisbeth, how awful, I'm so sorry that you too are going through this. When we went through this process a few weeks ago, the hardest thing was to take the first tablet. I cried for about half an hour before managing to swallow it, and dh just kept hugging me After that, it seemed like an eternity until we could go into hospital, and I kept saying I wished we could just go now. When it came to the morning we were due in, dh almost had to drag me to the car. The only 'benefit' to having the couple of days before being induced for us was to try to get our brains to realise what was about to happen. When we did go in, it took 9 and a half hours for labour to start after the first two pessaries, and then I was in labour for 36 hours. We had not anticipated that it would take this long at all, and were very stressed as we were away from ds (just 3). When you're in that time you have no choice but to somehow manage to get through it. You will get through it, but then afterwards, for us anyway, it hits. We used the time we were in hospital to do a lot of talking, which really helped us see how the other was dealing with it.
When we went in, I was determined not to have pain relief. I suppose I felt like it was a sort of penance for having failed our baby. I would recommend having pain relief if you are offered it. You need to try to get through it as best you can. I ended up having an epidural, and thinking back I should've had one earlier. Your stress levels rise with the pain, and there is enough stress and heartache without it.
With regard to your dd, dh just told ds that the baby wasn't there any more. I wasn't there when he told him as we'd been waiting to see if he'd bring it up at all. I have just collected him from school and whilst sat in the car showed him a picture of him as a baby that I keep in my purse. DS said 'baby in mummy's tummy gone way'. I just felt so sad.
You are not selfish at all - it's too much to deal with, especially the stage you're at now. I will be thinking of you very much over the next couple of days, and somehow I hope you find the strength to get through it. I've only just joined this thread so I feel a bit presumptuous saying this, but we will all be here for you when you feel strong enough to come back xxx

Popsy, I hope with all my heart that this time goes well for you and is trouble free. How do you feel about ttc again?
Re the phone call, I haven't managed to get hold of the lady. Each morning I wake up with that awful feeling of dread, and I really don't want to hear what I suspect she might tell me. I don't think I can bear it. She's definately going to be in work tomorrow though so I must be brave and try again.

Coffee, I too am so glad we saw our little boy. He's what keeps me awake at night, just remembering how tiny and perfect he was. I am so glad too for having had the opportunity to say sorry to him for letting him down.
Can I ask how much folic acid you take each day? It's good you've started now - that's what we're trying to do, get our bodies prepared now for when we do decide the time is right to try again.

DM So sorry that your dh may not be able to go to the funeral, but at least you won't be alone. You must try not to regret not seeing Liam, at the time you just have to get through it any which way you can. He will know the sentiments in your heart. Wrt to the co-enzyme Q10, I'm still not sure myself. I just remember seeing the name of it somewhere and thought I'd ask dad to pick some up while he was in the shop. When I research it I'll let you know!

Hi Mishta, and thanks for the welcome. Thank you for being so lovely about me and my boy, I'm not so sure I'm gorgeous sat here looking a scruff, but I do have to agree with you about ds

I'd better go as I need to go and find out what ds is up to (he's gone ominously quiet ) but thinking of you all, especially you lisbeth and fufulina xxx

Oh goodness - thank you all so much for your kind words and sharing your experiences. I cannot begin to express how much it means to me and to DH. Today has been a truly horrible day and I'm just so tired now that I can't write anything with any sense in it. I took the tablet this afternoon and will be going into hospital on Thursday morning. It's all a lot like being in some awful nightmare that you can't escape from.

Anyway, night all I've got to sleep - thank you so much and I'll try and clock back in tomorrow depending on whether DD lets me - she's being super clingy.

Hi Fufulina and Lisbeth, i am so very sorry to have met you this way, yet i hope we can all support you throughout this heartbreaking time.
Lisbeth, i hope this next few days passes quickly and as peacefully as it can. I lost my last baby on 19th March. I took the tablets on the Wednesday and tbh i really cant remember what i did to get through, its a bit of a blur. I sort of knew what to expect as i lost a baby at 19wks last year, although under different circunstances.I got into a huge panic on the day and convinced myself they had made a mistake, even questioning the nurses and doctor. DH had to stop me walking out as we were kept waiting for 2hours before my room was ready. Apart from that the staff were amazing, so caring and concerned and offered nothing but kindness to both me and DH. Re. telling my DS (he was 12yrs at the time)he really took it hard the first time round so we havent told him this time.I will be thinking of you.
Fufulina i am so very saddened by your experience. It is truely an awful feeling, leaving your baby/babies at hospital. Indescribable.Nobody ask me about the whole 'hospital experience'. Its amazing what people say and dont say. I have really learnt who my friends are! We are here always, to listen, chat, moan at. Never feel anything is not allowed. I wish i had found a thread like this with my first loss, i was a complete wreck, i really needed ladies like on here.
Monkey, i have mixed feelings about ttc again. I know its because i am petrified of it happening a 3rd time and i am so angry that i will never enjoy being pg. I have never enjoyed it, all 3 times have been extremely stressful. I was desperate to enjoy a pregnancy.AF hasnt arrived yet. Sending strength your way for the phone call.
Drama- is there no way work could spare him?
Coffee how are you?
Lots of long posts so not sure if i have responded to everyone. Sending lots of love to you all.

xx

Lisbeth, my thoughts are with you and your dh at this horrible time. Just be gentle with yourself. I think the tendency is always to blame ourselves, and as popsy said question the doctors and the accuracy of the scans, and of the prognosis. I am still doing it in my darkest moments. But try to take strength, in these awful days, in the thought that you have spared your baby so much pain, that the choice you made (though choice is a very bad word) was made out of love. This doesn't take away the unfairness and anger and grief, but I personally found this thought helped me sometimes. And if you can and feel like it, come here and share as much or as little as you want.

I forgot to say in my last post that I had a very short labour, 2.5 hours. After reading what the others have been through, I realise I have been lucky, whatever lucky means under these circumstances.

I will write more tomorrow, dh is going away tomorrow morning for 5 days. Briefly, Monkey, I am taking 5 mgs of folic acid every day, including the 400mcg in my daily multivitamin . Like Shangrila, I bought the 800 mcg tablets from Hollands and Barretts and am combining those to make up my daily dose.

Wishing everyone a peaceful night. xxxx

Dear Lisbeth and Fufulina as others have said, I am so sorry you are joining this thread but I also know from my own experience that it really helps in the raw days you are facing just now.

Lisbeth - wrt hospital, I was given the good advice on here of contacting the hospital chaplain; it meant I felt supported before/going into the experience, and we could also have DD blessed when she was born, another way of acknowledging the reality of her existence. Another good piece of advice that Lins gave was to get two of something (whether cuddly toy, or small shawl/blanket), so you can take them to hospital with you, and leave one behind to stay with your little one while you take the other home, as a sort of connection. My experience of delivery perhaps differs from others here as my DD was born at 16wks but had actually died unknown to us a little before (I had a final scan the day before we had the termination booked) and she was tiny when born - but I found my TENS machine was helpful.

Sorry to be so brief, but long day out and DH wants to get onto the computer. Love to all... xx

Hi Lisbeth, I have to dash so just a quick post to say that I'm thinking of you today. So good that Numpty remembered to tell you about the two of something. When my baby girl was born, the hospital wrapped her in what they call an angel pouch and she was sent for the post-mortem in it, so unfortunately they couldn't give it to me when she came back. In retrospect, I should have bought a blanket to wrap her in while we were in hospital and then take home with me, leaving her in the angel pouch.

I'll write more tonight. Hi everybody xxxx

Hi Lisbeth - I second what Coffee and Numpty have said about taking blankets/shawls. I didn't and it's one of my regrests that I didn't wrap the girls in a 'real' blanket from home. They were wrapped in hospital issue blankets, and that upset me terribly on the day. Lisbeth - I'm thinking of you today, hugely.

The day beforehand, I took DD to the childminder and DH and I went out for brunch and bought books and drinks and snacks for the hospital. I think I went into prepration mode, to avoid thinking about anything at all.

Monkey, Popsy and Coffee, thank you for your hugely kind words ? Coffee, you directed me to this thread from somehwere else on MN, and I can't thank you enough. It's astonishing how many other people's experiences resonate with my feelings.

Today, I'm finding everything with DH rather a struggle. He's the only one I really want to speak to about anything, and yet everything he says annoys and frustrates me, becuase he hasn't yet said the thing that will make it all better. Because, of course, there is no such thing to say.

Having been so together during the last few months, I worry we're falling apart. He said to me this morning that he didn't understand why I was so angry all the time. I think he genuinely didn't think before he spoke. So I think anger has arrived with a vengeance. I'm really pissed off today about everything. And I had a very well-meaning email from a friend, which of course, said all the wrong things - because there is nothing anyone can say to make the pain lessen. And that's why this thread is so fantastic - tragically, all you ladies understand. And I really wish none of us were here on this thread - the weight of grief is almost unbearable.

And I don't really want to tell people about labour and giving birth to the babies, because why should anyone who hasn't had to go through this know about this? And on the other hand I want to scream at the top of my voice that it wasn't 'an operation' to 'remove the pregnancy'. They were two beautiful babies. Real babies - tiny but perfectly formed. Not just a mass of cells and gore. It wasn't a miscarriage. Oh I'm sorry ladies, I'm feeling very strident today. x

Fufulina, don't apologise for saying anything on here - we know exactly how you are feeling. It's good to get things out. The pain is indescribable, thinking about what you have lost. No-one who hasn't had that happen can possibly comprehend.
DH and I had a very difficult time going through 2008. We lost two babies (at 8 and 12 weeks) within six months. I felt that when the mc's happened we were together, but then as the days went on, we went off at tangents to each other. It was very upsetting, and I, like you, thought we were falling apart. This is what this kind of grief does to you. It pushes, and tests you to the limit. It's hard to remember that your dh is going through this too, albeit with different feelings. I had a massive blow-up at dh last week for telling me that this is life, you just have to get on with it . After everything I'd been through I just couldn't understand why he would say this. I stormed off upstairs and had a think and after a while came down and we just hugged each other. He then told me he felt like he couldn't take any more, it's all just too much for him. I suppose his outburst was him trying to get this out, rather than to sit down and explain how he was feeling . It's difficult to try to see things from our dh's point of view as men and women see things so differently. It's also normal for you to be feeling angry about the huge injustice and unfairness of it all. I hope you don't think that I'm compairing my mc's to what's just happened to you. This is a different kettle of fish and so even harder to deal with.
Hope you don't think I've been rambling either... I come on this thread and reading everyone's posts provokes so much emotion in me, but my brain doesn't seem to be working very well and I can't put my feelings down succinctly.

Lisbeth I hope you are doing as okay as you can given the circumstances. Well done for being so brave yesterday. The ladies on here have given you fantastic advice, things I had never thought of, and am now a bit sad that I didn't do. I will be thinking of you so much tomorrow and hoping that you get through it as well as you can .
It was liking reading one of my posts when I read yours. That inescapable nightmare feeling is well known here.
One thing that did help us in hospital actually was that the 'maternity bereavement counsellor' came to see us and to talk to us. She managed to get dh to open up which was a miracle, and she has really helped us to think of each other through this. I'm actually going back to see her this afternoon, which I am dreading. Am managing at the moment, but worried she's going to start the outpour of grief and that it'll never stop. Anyway, as I said I shall be thinking of you and your dh lots.

Have to go now but love to you all and I shall be back later, probably in a complete mess

Hi again - just to clarify, I would never take anything away from any lady who has lost baby at any stage of pregnancy. Losing a baby is incredibly difficult for anyone. What I meant by 'it's not a miscarraige' is that I feel we had another layer of guilt/grief by virtue of deciding to end the pregnancy. I'm so sorry if I didn't get that across.

Monkey - thanks so much for your post re: you and your DH. Very helpful, and again, makes me realise what I'm feeling is completely normal.

Monkey - sorry, in my haste to clarify, I didn't read your whole post. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon. I'm sure it will be enormously helpful. Do let us know how you get on.
x

I understood completely what you meant fufulina, don't worry Glad I was able to help re dh, and thanks for your thoughts too, am dreading it and just feel like runnning away! xxx

Hi ladies

I am an old-timer here struggling to find time to post as happily I now have a 2 week old healthy baby. In late 2008 I had a termination at 13 weeks of a baby with Turners syndrome who would not have survived; in 2009, my anomaly scan showed a baby with no kidneys and no amniotic fluid hence no chance of life and I terminated again at 20 weeks.

My heart goes out to you who are going through this now or have done recently.

My brain is too tired to talk to individuals and I am sorry for that and don't mean to be insensitive. I just wanted to say to Fufulina and Monkey how sorry I am for your recent losses. Monkey, the labour sounds horrendous. I am lucky that mine at 20 weeks was short - just a few hours. Lizbeth (cool name - love the books too), I echo the others - the delivery was not the worst bit. In fact it was an intense, traumatic but lovingly heartbreaking experience too.

I can't say more as I have visitors here who think I'm being rude but I just wanted to reach out to newbies and oldies alike and say I am thinking of you all. Hugs.

I'm overwhelmed by how kind your messages all are - I'm sorry my brain is so fuzzy that I can't reply to each individually - I feel rude not doing so but it seems even less polite to simply not reply because I can't reply in detail.

Today has been an odd day - I'm just numb and feel paralysed. I'm very frightened of tomorrow's delivery but I'm taking courage from your words that it won't be the worst bit.

Thank you so so much to you all. My DH and I have been so moved to find support at such a terrible time. My mum who is here caring for our DD is so amazed that Mumsnet (which I've been chuntering on about for a good year or so) is even something which can help me now and not just with questions about potty training/weaning etc!

Once the dust has settled and we're home I'll be back to post again x