Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Hello, I hope you don't mind if I join your thread? Have just managed to read through the last page or so, and just feel for all of you so much. Please excuse not posting individually to you, but I hope to be more up for doing that very soon.

Dh and I lost our baby two weeks ago today, at 15 weeks pregnant. We had a worrying 12/13 week scan followed by a CVS which told us that basically our baby was not going to survive. We had figured as much already I went in to be induced and had a 36 labour. Lost loads of blood, and then found out a few days after that I had an infection due to retained placenta. Spent another week(ish) in hospital and had to go through something like an ERPC. Came out on Saturday evening, and I finally feel like it's hitting me what's happened, and the fact we lost our longed for baby.

This was our fifth pregnancy - first one ended v early, second one produced ds (3) without whom we could not have got through this. The third one I mc'd at 8 weeks and the fourth was a partial molar pregnancy, ending at 12 weeks. I am so terrified of even thinking about trying again - what if it goes wrong again? I'm convinced that something is going wrong at conception, and I don't know how to make it better. I know I'm rambling, and I'm so sorry, but it feels a huge relief to have found other people who must know exactly how I'm feeling.

I just feel so heartbroken and I can't believe all this is happening

Sorry again for not posting to other people, but will pull myself together for next time...

Oh monkeybumsmum, poor you, I am so sorry to hear about everything you?ve been through! You found the right place, and don?t worry for a bit for not posting individually. It?s such early days for you.

I lost my baby girl Silvia at 22 weeks on 17 February this year ? she had very severe brain abnormalities and the prognosis was awful. It?s early days for me as well, but it?s much better than in those horrible first weeks after the termination. I found that there is nothing else to do but just go through each day at a time. I cried a lot and there were moments when I thought there was no way I could get through this, yet with the help of a wonderful dh and the remarkable ladies on this thread I am now in a much better place. Still very sad, of course, heartbroken at the thought of my baby, but all in all better than in those very early days.

You were so unlucky to have complications, this makes it even harder. Also, the history of all your losses is heartbreaking. Did you have any tests done so far, did they find a reason why all this happened?

What really helped me in those very early weeks was to read back through the posts on this thread ? this helped me see that (unfortunately) I was not alone, that everything I was feeling was normal, and most importantly no one told me in here to ?pull myself together?. Do you have any support in RL? Most of us in here found that most people don?t really understand that it?s a baby you are grieving, that this is what pregnancy loss means, and you are expected to get over it quickly. But for me having this place to come to and just let it all out was (and still is, actually) the best form of therapy.

So come here whenever you need to, and as I said don?t worry if you can?t write individual posts, just take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and just let time pass.
Much love xxxx

I forgot to say: your ds is gorgeous.

Hi Coffee, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about Sylvia. I've just been reading some of the others pages on this thread, and you sounded so very strong. I'm afraid I've only managed three pages, my brain can't seem to retain much information at the moment, so I shall read the whole thread when I'm feeling stronger.
I too feel that I'm not alone having read some of the posts. I've felt like there's no-one else who knows how difficult this is to go through, until today. I have got support in RL, dh is great, and I have friends I speak to, but how can they possibly understand? My brain can't cope with thinking about anything else at the moment, and in speaking to friends in real life I feel I must ask how they are, and they tell me, and I feel guilty for saying this but their problems seem so trivial. I don't have room for it at the moment, so I feel like I'm letting them down too.
Another thing I should say is that I lost my mum in January, and up until now I have been okay, and not really dealing with it as I was feeling so ill with being pregnant (found out three days after she died). It's finally hit, and I can't seem to separate any of the grief. It's all swirling together making me feel like I'm going mad. It's just too much and I can't see a way forward.
My rational brain (not that there is much left) tells me this will get easier. Our past losses have become easier and less raw, but at the time it just feels overwhelming doesn't it.
Thank you also so much for saying that about my darling boy - he is my inspiration and reason for living.
I hope nobody minds me pouring all this out, my head is just so full I need to get it out somehow xxx
PS we had full karotyping done after the partial molar, but apparently everything is fine.

I've just re-read my post and do have to say that I'm on another thread in conception, and the girls there have been just wonderful. In fact they just about got us through the induction. I have been very lucky in terms of support, they have also been texting me and have given me strength.
I felt bad not acknowledging them in my earlier post...

Monkeybumsmum, you are much too raw to be able to deal with anything now, except your grief. Don?t feel guilty about letting anyone down. You?ve lost a baby and how could this not put everything else into perspective? I hope this won?t be the case for you, but for me, losing Silvia also meant losing some friends. I mean they are not lost in that I don?t speak with them anymore, but I will never trust them with anything very personal anymore, and I will always resent them a bit for not being here for me when I needed it most, and for dismissing my grief. On the other hand though, I had some nice surprises, and realised that people I had doubts about found ways to support me.

You have so much on your plate, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I had been lucky enough until now not to grieve for anybody, but if there is one thing I learnt now, it is that you cannot run away from grief, it needs acknowledging and dealing with. The grief for your mum caught up with you, I think your brain had too much to deal with at that time and it?s only now that it can ?process? everything. And yes, it does get easier, but you have to go through it before it does. What I find most exhausting is this
roller coaster of emotions, I am fine now but in 2 hours I can feel overwhelmed again. A few weeks ago I thought I was getting better, and then had a bad relapse, so now I?m much more cautious.

But I do hope we will all get there. I know that words can heal, and I hope that writing in here will help you. Pour out anything you want, this is what we are all doing. Take care of yourself. xxxx

Oh Monkey, I remember you from your other thread and I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough time - so much to deal with. It must have been very difficult for you to have such a long and complicated labour/aftermath, as well as having to deal with the terrible sadness of not having your baby to bring home. I am not surprised that you are really beginning to feel it all now, the loss of your baby and the loss of your mum - you now have the time to really feel these losses whereas before you must have felt buffeted from one situation to another. When I lost my baby last year, very few people knew at the time because in a way, I didn't want to have to share my news OR hear theirs. I wanted my grief to be mine, first of all, before I felt ready to share it with other (bar those who had supported me in the time of making decisions).

It has been described on here as being in the midst of a storm: at first, all you can do is be swept by the waves of grief. Over time, these waves WILL begin to calm, though as Coffee knows there are some waves that catch you out even weeks or months after. But where you are now, you need to go with it. I think it can help to express your feelings, whether on here or even to yourself by writing them down. Sometimes that helps us empty our heads, you can begin to see things that perhaps in the whirl of thoughts you had not realised. Or perhaps put it on paper, but not using words - ie just using ink or colours and see what happens, use it to express your feelings and frustrations.

If you want to go into a cocoon, do so. And please don't feel obliged to support others on here at the stage you are in - this thread is for supporting you, and people like you - and in time you will be able to find your own strength again and support others, and while doing so also perhaps gain insight into yourself.

I must go, but thoughts are with you. xx

Monkey i'm with u all the way i lost my baba 3 wks ago today and thursdays are always hard for me, i myself am in a bit of a limbo land at the mo so i don't know what help i'll be but i agree with what numpty said about the waves and how getting it out however you can really helps i have a good rant on here...failing that i find screaming into a pillow helpful...although that was actually before i found the thread.
Don't know about anyone else but i find i'm very good at distracting myself during the day with my DS (who like u keeps me going) it's at night i find my mind wandering and i still have a good cry (hence why i'm up at this hr!) but thease ladies remind me every day were not alone they keep me grounded and strong and i hope u find that too.
Justa thanx for calling me strong, your right i don't always feel it but i am because i have to be for DP, DS but mostly for me.
I have finally sorted out my profile! been meaning to do it for ages was very theraputic looking bk at old pics i must say! so if anyone wants to put a face to the nickname u can now.
Anywho off to bed now knackered and i have to be up for the nursery run int morning Lots of love to all DM

Dramamama I too found that having DS (then nearly 2yo) helped keep me going day-to-day and yes, it's only in the evening that in a way you can give into the feelings of grief and perhaps that makes them all the stronger, because they are on hold until then. And sometimes, you want to be swept away by those feelings - you want to keep the grief raw, because you think in a way it's like love and that being more intense it shows you how much you love your lost child and how close you still are to them. And when that rawness started to fade, I panicked - did that mean I no longer cared? No, because it is NOT love, it is grief; and you cannot keep grief raw, it has to become part of you, a deeper part that feels sadness but not in such a way that tears you apart. And your baby wouldn't wish you to feel that way either.

Actually I cried for the first time in ages the other day, a couple of reasons - at church there was a baptism, and as I'm pregnant I was thinking that (all being well) I hope to have a baptism for this little one later in the year. And then I remembered that the last service I planned was the funeral of my lost little one. And on Monday, thinking of Coffee and Silvia, I thought of Iola, remembering how tiny and vulnerable and sad it was to see her... so those memories remain, they become deeper.

(love the pics of your wee boy, Drama - a blond curly-haired cupid if ever there was one!)

Hello to all the old timers here. Hello also to Drama, Monkey, Coffee, Popsy, Blondie, Allways, and Gina, who I have never written a message to personally - and I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious babies. Sorry if I missed anyone out, big hugs to you all.
(My brief history for those who don't know me: I have lost two darling little ones, to two different, unusual chromosomal abnormalities. Amy's 6th anniversary was this March, as was Daisy's first anniversary. In addition to that I have a DD who is three and a half and my 'thread baby', a DS who is 12 weeks now! Mumsnet was there to support me through the pregnancy and loss of Daisy, and this thread has been there to pick up the pieces too, and support me when I found out I was pregnant again. Since having DS, I have drawn back a bit from writing here, but have been keeping an eye on it. )
I wanted to touch base here because yesterday I heard that a friend had lost his baby son after a year's battle, (too premature, but a fighter) and I am just so sad for him. It's made me think about loss in general, and how it goes against the 'laws of nature' for parents to say goodbye to children. I can't imagine how he feels - having had his son for a year, and they have been through so much, only for him to slip away. I know this isn't the thread really for this...but didn't think you'd mind.
Life here is hectic - no one warns you how hard it is juggling the demands of two children! DS has reflux and so will only sleep in his sling during the day, which limits what I can do..but he seems to be getting the hang of sleeping through at night. My super-husband rushes around shopping, cooking, and doing stuff around the house, generally keeping daily life together. Thank goodness for him.
Amy and Daisy's anniversaries came and went, and I didn't have the time or personal space to deal with it. I am aware that I need some time to really howl and wallow, but with a little one to look after, that hasn't happened yet. So I think I have stuck a sticky plaster over the emotions until a later date. We did go to the baby garden at the crematorium, and set off two balloons and took flowers, but with my 3 year old there, I couldn't have the sob that I needed to release. Note to self: next time, go alone later on the same day.

My husband has been busy training for the London Marathon this weekend and he is running to raise funds for ARC. I expect quite a few of you will know about or have used ARC. They were a lifeline when we went through our first loss and the first place we went for support the second time. Some ARC mummies are now my good friends. It has been difficult for him to find the time and energy to train (we moved house then had a baby in a short space of time) but I am SO PROUD of him and the money he has raised so far. I know that ARC will put it to good use helping parents like me, and you.

I will be thinking of you all on Sunday when he runs, as he will be too. He has named his run "for Amy and Daisy" but it is for all the little angels we have read about or heard about. Hope they are all looking down on him and cheering him on.

Phew, I'm all emotional now, better go and make a cup of tea. DS gently snoring in his sling, but DD watching too much Cbeebies so had also better go and turn it off!

Much love to you all. Lins xxx

Lol thanks Numpty he may look like an angel but he's not! (unless sleeping)
How is it u are so good with words? that is exactly how it feels i can just never really describe it; i do actually quite like having a cry cause it makes me feel normal i should be crying for the little boy i should have had come sept i feel like it's natural to cry it's if i feel happy or i laugh it feels strange...like i shouldn't be.
Didn't know u were pg! (how did i miss that? see not with it!) how far along are u? hope all is and will continue to go well i will keep all i can crossed for u! i can't wait to ttc again but i want to wait untill after Liams funeral i need to say goodbye to him before i can concentrate on that, although i did get the ovulation and pg tests i ordered through yesterday so when the time comes i'm well prepped....i think DP will wonder whats come over me .
Oh and everyone on the birthday supprise front i rumbled him by accident, a very posh hotel rang yesterday to speak to DP about his reservation! oops! told him they had called when he got in from work and he wasn't pleased as apparently they were supposed to use his wk number as main contact so he cancelled reservation and is now plotting again, i felt so guilty i told him to leave it cause it wld still be lovely but he was having none of it!....so that told me! lol XxXxXxXx

Ps: Hello lins! i'm a lins too! lol but lyns with a y i will be cheering your DS on for sunday wish him lots of luck i'm sure he'll do ARC proud xx

OOPS! meant your DH sorry think ur DS might be a bit young lol XxX

Hello dramamama/lyns, thanks for the good wishes. Yeah, DS might need a few more years before it's his turn!! But he'll be watching (hopefully) with me. I'm not glad about the weather forecast though, 22 degrees is a bit hot for running. xxx

Hi everybody,

NumptyMum, you hit the nail on the head... what a coincidence, it was yesterday that I was telling dh that I am panicking more and more because a lot of the rawness seems to be gone. And reading what you so aptly wrote in here, that this is grief, not love, is very helpful. I know I don?t love Silvia less because I am no longer so raw, but at a very deep level my mind wants to hold on to the rawness. If this makes sense... I am sorry Numpty if reading about my grief on Monday brought back painful memories for you, and thank you so much for thinking about us.

Lins, I know your story, and I read back about Franklin?s birth, and what a special moment that was for everyone on the thread. And Bee told me once that Amy was your first child and that you found it so very hard to be childless and go through this. This was in reply to my saying at the time that I feel completely useless and there is nothing I want more than to hold my baby and be a mum. What a great thing your dh is doing on Sunday, I?ll be thinking of him. And I am so sorry to read about your friend...

Dramamum, I too used to scream in a pillow. You seem to be coping so well, as you say you have to for your ds. I understand about not being able to TTC just yet, I feel a desperate urge to get pregnant again but at the same time I am happy we decided to take our time. For us it?s mostly because we are waiting for the postmortem results, but although initially this felt like ages, I am now happy we have to wait. I feel that I need to close a chapter before starting another. For us, burying Silvia?s ashes on Monday really was a turning point.

I am still ok, but not like in the past few days. It really does come and go. I realised how much my ok-ness now is because I really hope the consultant will tell us that there is nothing wrong with us and that we can try again. However, I feel like I should prepare myself for the worst, because if the news isn?t good, I honestly think I?d have a horrible breakdown. I can only try to distract myself somehow until then, 3 more weeks to go... also, dh will be away next week, from Wednesday to Sunday evening, and I feel a bit anxious about being on my own. This is a new thing for me...

Anyway, I?d better go now, still a bit of work to do before the week-end. Monkey, I hope you are ok today. Xxxx

PS: Drama, your dh is such a sweet little boy, and both you and Monkey look so lovely.

Oups, I meant Drama's ds is such a sweet little boy, not your dh...

Lol i think were all at it today coffee must be something in the air...possibly volcanic ash???

4 hours and 14 minutes!! That's the super time my star of a husband ran the marathon in. I am so proud, and so chuffed with the money he has raised for ARC. Current total stands at £1729, but I think he might make the £2500 target...
I am amazed at how well he has done, as he is not a runner usually, and put his name down for this completely out of the blue. He has had to train in the miserablist weather, and cope with new house and new baby stress too. I had to come on here and say what a superstar I think he is!

I took Dd and baby up to watch him, and managed a glimpse at the 25 mile mark. I got really emotional after he'd run off, thinking of all the parents who have needed ARC, or will need them. A very special charity.

I hope all of you have had bearable weekends, and got all the hugs and tlc needed to survive another week. I know that some of you are right there, in that dark place right after loss, and I send you special strength through cyberspace.

Lots of love, Lins xxx

Wow Lins, I've just logged on and saw your news, this is fantastic, a massive well done to your dh! So inspiring how positive things can come out of the deepest grief, this is such a fitting tribute to Amy and Daisy.

Getting ready for another week, indeed. Much love to you all lovely ladies xxxx

Well done Mr Lins! Hope he is getting a good day of rest today and is not too sore... I am sure that ARC will be really pleased too, sounds like he's managed to raise a lot even if it doesn't reach £2500. And as Coffee says, a fitting tribute to Amy and Daisy. xx

Good morning everyone, here is to a peaceful new week !

Had a so-so week-end, we had friends staying over and it was very nice to see them again, but (out of the blue) very teary Friday evening and Saturday morning. But I'm still ok, I guess...

I was watching highlights from the London Marathon yesterday and they showed a few peoople who were running in memory of lost babies, and I just couldn't help getting very emotional. They I logged on and saw Lins's wonderful news...

Also, my dh is away from Wednesday until Sunday and I feel irrationally scared that something bad is going to happen to him while he is away and I will lose him too. Crazy woman, it doesn't make any sense, I know, especially as I see it written down now. I try to remember what has been very wisely said in here before, that worrying about it doesn't mean it will happen, it's just a feeling.

Right, Monday morning and I have to get back to work. Hope everyone is ok (-ish). xxxx

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is well, apologies for not being around for a while, I am in a fairly good place at the moment and have found that RL has been interfering in MN time!!

I have had a run of bad news recently from family and friends. My sister is divorcing, one of my close friends BIL died last week (in his early 30's) and a work friend's father had a stroke at the weekend. One of my friends that we saw at the weekend has also told me that she's 16 weeks pregnant. I am actually fine with that but am feeling very sad as she is now in a total panic about having bad news like we had at 20 weeks. I feel so guilty....

However my OH and I have decided to start TTC. It feels very important to me that we try again now. After talking to the consultant we have decided to take part in a clinical study into NTDs. www.ich.ucl.ac.uk/ich/academicunits/Neural_development/Custom%20Menu_03

Lins thats brilliant news huge congrats to your DH. What a fantastic tribute to Amy and Daisy. I thought of you when I saw it on TV at the weekend!

Love to everyone thinking of you all.

G xxx

Thanks for the welcome everyone. Firstly I just wanted to say a huge well done to your dh Lins, how wonderful that he managed to do the marathon, and in that time too. Makes me feel all emotional at the thought of his reasons for running... You must be so proud of him.

Coffee, you are so right - the grief is just so enormous that it's impossible to cope with anything else right now. I feel proud of myself that I'm managing to complete even mundane tasks as my brain is hardly functioning. Like you I believe we will all get there in the end, but this rollercoaster of emotions is relentless and exhausting right now. Hope you're doing okay this morning after your teary weekend, it's amazing the difference a little bit of 'outside input' can do to us in this fragile state... I too had friends over at the weekend, two different sets - the ones on Saturday I felt okay after, but after the ones yesterday left I felt as low as could possibly be. Hugs from dh and ds helped though, and I managed to pick myself back up a bit. It will get easier, we just have to give it time.
Wrt worrying about your dh, it's completely normal to be feeling like that. Losing someone makes us realise that it CAN and DOES actually happen to us, and not just to other people. It opens the door to other possibilities, which are utterly terrifying. I feel so protective of ds and dh at the moment, am convinced that something awful is going to happen every day. This feeling too will ease given time.

Numpty, thanks for your lovely message. You have hit the nail on the head by saying I was being buffeted from one situation to another. That is precisely how I've felt since losing mum. My brain seems to react to too much pain by just going numb, which is how I'm getting through the days. It was like this after losing our last baby too, in September '08. From experience I know that we'll get through this, and we'll be stronger for it. I just feel like I can't bear to be in these early days right now, but although I want to be feeling okay again I don't want to leave the grief behind iykwim? Very complex emotions that everyone on here will probably identify with.

Dramamama so sorry about you losing your little one, as I am about all the lost little ones. It is still such early days and it's difficult to know how to proceed. Your ds is absolutely gorgeous by the way, he looks like a little angel, but if he's anything like mine then looks can be deceiving
Like you I'm okay(ish) during the day, but the night is the hardest. Last night I couldn't sleep till 3am, and then woke at 6. I was thinking about how perfect my lost little boy looked, and about his tiny fingers and toes, an image that I hope will never leave me. My goodness this is so hard I can't talk to dh about this as he felt that he couldn't see him, so it's just me holding onto my precious memories.
It's lovely that your dh has got something up his sleeve for your birthday Something to look forward to. When is it? Do you mind if I ask when Liam's funeral is going to be? We felt that we couldn't cope having a funeral, and so the lady at the hospital said that she would let us know when our little boy has been buried. She rang on Friday and left a message for me to ring back, but I daren't. I feel like I'm letting him down somehow by not being there for him. What kind of mum does that make me? We decided not to have a funeral because of dh basically. He felt so strongly that he couldn't be there, that I decided for his sake that neither of us should be. He's finding this awfully tough too, but at least I got to see our baby.

Lins, I was so pleased to read your message and to learn that you'd gone on to have your ds after your heartbreaking losses. I'm so sorry though to hear about your friends baby boy. How utterly devastating. The poor boy must've been a fighter to have managed to hold on for a year, but what a fraught year that must've been for him mum and dad. I am thinking of them.

Right, I had better go and ring the lady back. Am terrified that she's going to say he's already been buried Not sure how I'm going to cope with that...

Can I also ask for anyone who thought or is thinking of ttc again at some point, is there anything special you did or are doing? I have read about taking high dose folic acid, and think am going to also take co-enzyme Q10 (although I need to look into that further before I do). Have also put dh on folic acid which is a miracle as he doesn't like taking stuff. I've got my follow up appointment with gynaecologist on Thursday so will ask her advice too.

Hope you all have a good week xxx

Well done Mr Lins, you must be so proud of him. Great name monkeybum, thats what we call our sonGood luck with the phone call. Re the funneral, i really dont think there is a right or wrong. Its whatever is right for you at the time. We have had 2 losses and 2 different funnerals. The 2nd was a group funneral, i'm not convinced it was right but it was definately the right thing to do at the time and to protect our DS, as he doesnt know about the 2nd loss.
Anyway just a quick post as loads to do.Just wanted to say that we are also ttc again, when AF arrives. I have been to my fertility appointment and cons, so have the all clear both ways. I asked if theres any supplements etc i should take and it was just folic acid, and generally stay healthy. So thats what we are doing. Eating healthy, limited alcohol and walking several times a week.
I second that coffee, a peace week. It was a rubbish, tearful weekend for me.
Love to all
xxx
Hopefully i will fall pg quickly this time and all goes perfectly. I also take a fertility multi-vit and as does Dh.