Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Much love Popsy.

Welcome to dramamum, sorry to hear about your very sad loss.

Hope you're doing ok Coffee, you're sounding very 'in control' I know with myself that being in control was my first phase of recovery.

I'm not sure who said it, but your time of being at peace with what's happened will come. And it definitely does come in waves. Even a year down the line for me, I still have wobbly days, but not like they were in the beginning. They don't involve floods of tears, just a sadness.

Justa - so sorry that you're suffering yet more loss. It just doesn't seem fair. It is so lovely to hear your voice again. How are your boys?

DH and I went for our 2nd batch of tests at the recurrent miscarriage clinic yesterday. They must have taken about 8 vials of blood from me. See the consultant on 13 May to discuss the results.

On a happier note, there was a misunderstanding with Little Miss Cantdos weight, it was actually 7lb2oz and not 7lb7oz. Whoops!

Hello to Mishtabel, Eulalia, Bee, Numpty, MrsBG and anyone I may have missed.

Love

BK x

Hello to everyone.

Thinking of you Popsy, much love.

Hello dramamum I am very sorry to hear your story and very sad loss.

Monday morning in work I had a complete meltdown. Lots of tears. We just managed to get to the hospital without me being sick.

The autopsy results indicated that the spina bifida was actually more serious than they had thought as it was further up the spine. He felt that Olivia would have had serious mental problems as well as physcial issues. In some respects although we knew we had made the right descision I think this has helped me come to terms with it. Other than the obvious issue with her spine she was perfect. The conclusion was that there was no reason that they know of that caused the defect just that the mega dose of folic should reduce the risk of a repeat next time. The Consultants parting words were "Be strong, I know that next time things will go smoothly" which was very reassuring and unexpected from a medical professional who would normally be so careful about false hope!

Yesterday I stayed in bed, my head felt as if it would explode at the slightest noise and if I moved i would be ill. Today I am feeling like me.... It is as if I have woken up and the fog in my brain has gone, I am thinking clearly. Somehow its as if I have let go of the pain and I can start to rebuild my life, changed... but stronger. I'm not sure this makes any sense.....

I am going to get in contact with a NTD study as we are keen to TTC. Both of us have a need to try again soon. A familiar feeling I think to some here!

Hello as well to Coffee, Bezzy, (huge hugs to Cant!!)Bee, NumptyMum & anyone else that I have missed. xxxx

Hi everyone, just a quick one to say thanks to all your storys and seeing how strong you all are i found the courage to arrange Liams funeral today. Its on the 11th of may so say a little prayer for him xxx

Hi Dramamum I am fairly new too. Sorry to hear of your loss but glad you have found this thread of some support. I will indeed say a prayer for your little boy. I hope you continue to be strong. X

Hi all

This is going to be brief, but I just wanted to say thank you for all your congratulations. Your support has meant a lot to me and has helped me through, and thank you.

Dramamum, I am so sorry to hear about losing Liam. Well done for arranging the funeral.

Popsy, hope today passed with dignity and love; thinking of you.

Gina, positive news from the consultant - good to know there is so little risk of recurrence.

Justa, thinking of you.

Hi Coffee, Bezzy, Bee, etc, everyone.

Well am out of hospital and LittleMissCant is gorgeous and perfect. Can't tell you what a relief that is. There is more to say, eventually, but I don't want to hog things. If anyone wants to hear more, CAT me.

For now - my heart goes out to those of you still recently raw, and to those facing hard anniversaries.

Hello everyone.

It?s so good to hear from you Cantdo! And such a relief that little miss Cantdo is well and a real bundle of joy! I hope you too are recovering well. Don?t worry about hogging the thread, please keep us posted when you can, you must be exhausted both physically and mentally, I?m sure these days brought mixed emotions. Your story is so inspiring and full of hope, and I am so happy for you!

Busy day for our thread. Popsy, I hope today brought some peace as well, alongside the inevitable sadness. Sending a massive hug your way, take care of yourself and let us know how you are when you feel up to posting. You and your baby have been in our thoughts today.

Bezzyk, what a coincidence, our appointment with the consultant to discuss the postmortem results is on 13 May as well. I really hope that day will bring us both a little bit of hope, and your dh will want to TTC again. It seems like ages until then though...

About sounding in control... I am quite cautious about my recovery, because it's not the first time I've felt a bit better, only to break down a couple of days later. And there are still so many days when I feel this huge guilt about the decision we made, about not having further tests, despite having been told that the problem was so bad they didn't think them necessary. But I hope the consultant appointment will give us some answers, and will help me overcome this guilt.

So Gina, I understand why you feel that the appointment gave you a sort of closure. I feel I need this as well before being able to move on. I'm happy you now feel stronger and start thinking about the future.

Katie, I think I never acknowledged any of your messages, when you posted here to support me a couple of times. Your words did help though, so thank you, even if with a bit of delay.

Dramamum, we will think of you and Liam in May, but keep on writing in here until then if you feel like it. It helps so much.

Hello to everyone else. xxxx

Thank you Blondie and c&c, don't worry you'll have a hard job getting me off here now! Cantdo u hog all u want! it's so good to know everything can be alright lots of love to u and your little family xxx

Good morning everyone,

Well, it seems to be hurdle after hurdle. We will bury Silvia's ashes on Monday, and I feel almost as shaky as before the cremation last month. I have ordered a little wooden cross today with her name on it, until the memorial plaque is ready (Orthodox tradition)and it all brings back memories of those awful days before the cremation last month, when I was desperately writing in here trying to get some strength and reassurance, while making all the arrangements.

The difference this time is that I know I'll get over this day, in a way I am looking forward not to the day itself, but to finally putting her to rest, next to other children. It's just that it never seems to end...there is Monday,and then the consultant appointment in May (it really is ages until then), then Silvia's due date in June, plus the daily reminders. And we're doing DYI this week-end, we'll finish decorating what should have been the nursery. So I think I'll be in for another difficult week-end, to be honest I now hate week-ends, not enough distractions around.

Ok, moan over now, as usual it's therapeutic to offload in here. I guess there's nothing to do but take each day as it comes.

Can'tdo - just trying to catch up a little here as I have been keeping off Mumsnet for a while, and I must say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Welcome to the world littlemisscan't. I am so so pleased for you. Xxxxxxxxxxx

BIG Hello to everyone else, I shall try to update you a little later on today. I'm sad to see so many new names on here, my heart goes out to you in these days of early loss and sadness, when life is just raw.

Love Lins xxx

Hello all,

Am just popping my head around the cottage door to say hello, and am overjoyed to see Can'tdo's wonderful news.

Can't - I'm sending you lots of love and congratulations. I bet she's a real smasher xx

Popsy - I hope yesterday went well and that you and your family are doing okay.

Like Linspins, I'm also sad to see so many new faces on here, but I'm glad you've found this lovely home.

As for me, my quietness on this thread is in part due to the fact that I'm still very much in a 'good' place in terms of coming to terms with the loss of Gracie, and I often worry that my positivity would be somewhat unwelcome or out of place when others are feeling so raw. However, if I can offer one small word of comfort, then it would be that I know exactly how raw and dark those days can be, but that I'm proof positive that the light will get stronger, albeit slowly.

That said, we've sadly still not yet had any joy on the ttc front, and I was genuinely devastated when last month's 'try' did not work as it was my last chance to have the 2010 baby that I should have had. Plus, I am also conscious that Gracie's due date (May 18th) is fast approaching so I'm sure I'll be having a few wobbles over the coming weeks. One day at a time...

To lovely Bee, Bezzy, Justa, Katie, Eulalia, Coffee, Gina and everyone else - I'm sending you much love as you're never far from my thoughts.

Much love
Viv xxx

Thank you all so much for your words of support and comfort, unfortunately you all know only too well how i am feeling and felt yesterday.
I havent posted for a while, except a brief congrats to cant, as i havent felt very socialable. Im not brilliant at offering supportive comments at the mo.
Yesterday came and went, i've been there before, so i had prepared myself as much as possible. I was really stressed out tuesday and wednesday morning, thinking i hadnt done the right thing with the funneral, i am still not convinced!I wanted my 2 angel sons to be together, but that couldnt happen. Mostly our fault, but that something i have to live with.My DH reasures me that they will be playing together in heaven, but i want them here playing with me, their mummy, and daddy and big brother. I miss them both so much, and miss being pregnant. I wanted so desperately to enjoy being pregnant and to be a mummy again, twice that has been taken away from me and i fear it is never going to happen again. I am trying so hard to put a brave face and resume normality, but its hard. I want to be tired because i am pregnant not because i cant sleep. I still touch my tummy, for a split second and forget, then it hits me, its empty, again.
As i said not much company.
Hugs to you all
xx

Dearest popsy,
It?s good to hear from you, but I am so sorry you?re feeling guilty about some of the arrangements you couldn?t make. I am one who is prone to a lot of guilt, so my words won?t sound very convincing, but I just wanted to say that in these early days, all we can do is the best we can. The most important thing you can now give your sons is to keep their memory safe, in a place filled with love, and you are doing just that. And I?m sure that having separate graves is not something which would keep them apart.

I really feel for you, and I could have written your words about wanting them here with you ? the longing is almost unbearable sometimes. It?s so beyond sad that we can only cherish memories, and not our loved babies. I struggle a lot with making sense of what happened, and a few days ago I was writing in here that I know I?m not pregnant anymore, but in that split second before waking up fully, I still touch my tummy and feel pregnant, or rather feel like I should be pregnant, it?s unnatural that I am not.
If you feel that posting in here is helpful and you feel up to it, don?t keep away, you really don?t need to find supportive words for anyone when you are in this dark place, or as you said, be good company. The reason I find this thread a lifeline is exactly because I don?t have to be good company, this is tiring enough in RL.

Viv, thank you for the encouraging words. I understand why you need to keep away for a while, and you don?t need to post unless you feel like it, but your positivity is refreshing, and proof that there is something to hope for. We?re all at different stages, and it?s true that there has been so much sorrow in here lately. I wish you the best of luck with TTC, and who knows, maybe 2010 is Gracie?s year, and 2011 will be the year of her sibling.

I'm right there with u ladies in the moments when i'm not completly numb i put my hand on my tummy and remember he's not there anymore ande it tears me apart i so miss being pregnant and feeling the flutters and little kicks but i get by telling myself what c&c said to Viv, 2010 was Liams yr but one day i know in my heart that there will be another little baby in there i just hope and prey everything is ok that time round. Coffee i'll be thinking of u monday it sounds like u have made some lovely arrangements to remember and honor Sylvia, be strong were all here for u. Popsy i don't think anything will keep those 2 beautiful boys from each other i bet their looking over u right now thinking mummy is silly for worrying. Right i'm off for a shower as DS has just spilt coco pops all down me!.....and laughed.....which was nice of him. Love and hugs to u all XxXxXxXxXxX

How are you Justa? You must have had some awful days...

Oh Justa, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. You had so much on your plate already, grieving for your father, and then the diagnosis, and the recent bereavements... I am afraid I can't say anything helpful, but you seem to receive good advice on the other thread. And I agree that if you can you should be gentle with yourself this week-end, although I can see how this can be difficult (impossible?) with 3 little boys. Please do come here if you feel like it. And I'm glad if what we write in here is helpful to you. xxxx

It looks like I killed the thread...

Difficult day today, like I knew it would be actually. We ent to the funeral director to pick up the little cross and I had a meltdown in the car. I miss my baby girl, and I miss feeling her alive inside me, and I am very angry that it has all been taken away from me. I've never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be a mum...and now I'm left facing long, empty days, and uncertainty. My body is still completely messed up, I'm having what looks like my third period in 3 weeks. It's now 8 and a half weeks since my termination.

What keeps me going at the moment is the hope that we'll be able to try again soon. But then again, who knows...

It really seems like it never ends, reminder after reminder, salt in the wound too often. I'm just passing time and feel completely useless.

Ok, I'll stop moaning now, sorry for indulging in a bit of self-pity. I actually wanted to ask Shangrila and Gina some practical questions as well, I hope you'll read this ladies. About the high-dose folic acid: what dose of B12 did you take alongside it Shangrila? As you said, it did come up in all my internet searches that a high dose of folic acid can mask B12 deficiency, and you mentioned in one of your posts that you took B12 as well.

Gina, I know you too started high-dose folic acid, did your consultant prescribe B12 as well?

Hello to everyone xxxx

Hi Coffee,
You know you don't have to apologise for sharing your feelings here. It's been said before, and I'll say it again - that's what the thread is for. Nothing I can say to make you feel better of course, it is all a part of your journey. Just keep letting it out however you feel like. I'll be thinking of you Monday.

I was also one that had the high dose folic acid. I didn't actually take B12 as well, although I had read about the masking of B12 deficiency. I just had the antenatal vitamins, and hoped they were enough. All was fine. Shangrila did though, I believe, and if she's reading will no doubt help you out.

Quick hello to everyone else. I still read while feeding Bella during the night, but try not to post then, as once, I dropped my phone on Bella's head, and she cried (lucky I dont use a laptop ) xxxxx

Hello everyone,
Justa, I read your other thread. I have no doubt that you will cope with the challenges that lay (or is it lie? I never know) ahead. I agree with what you said yesterday. I've never known if my first loss has made me stronger or whether it just showed me how strong I had been all along. In the early days though, I would go between feeling so strong, nothing could touch me, to feeling so vulnerable that I felt I could not cope with one more thing, however small. However in times of future loss, although my grief wasn't actually lessened, it helped that I had faith in my own strength. Your strength is obvious Justa xx

Well Bella is now 12 weeks and 2 days. That's how old Sheridan, or my little cherie as I called her, was when she died. On one hand it brings a kind of relief that she has passed this point. In a way though, it's kind of a bit sad, as I know we no longer had Sheridan at this age and I can no longer compare them, and what they did at what age etc. But I know Sheridan would be looking down and be just as happy as we are with our little Bella

Must go spend time with DH - he leaves for 10 days in the morning (oops, nearly did a happy face by accident)
Love to all xxxx

Hi all, lol at Mishta that cheered me up! came on for a moan as one of my friends and his DW had a beautiful baby girl last night; their 3rd DC and although i'm SOOOO happy for them i can't help but feel a little envious of them i can't help thinking it's just not fair, then i give myself a mental slap and remember how lucky i am to have DS and a DP who is so loving and supportive and as far as i'm aware there is no reason i can't have another perfectly healthy baby in future my body appears to be settling back down very quickly which i hope is a good sign??? Oh and Mishta love the name Bella it's what we were going to call Liam if he was a girl (great minds?) XxXx

Mishta, I love your sense of humour... It must be so hard for you today, despite the relief that this milestone is now crossed. Mixed feelings is what we have all been left with, happiness always tinged with longing and a bit of sadness. I'm sure you'll give Bella a special cuddle today.

Justa, thank you for reminding us that we will one day look back and find strength in what we had to go through. Although like Mishta, I am actually wondering if it is new-found strength or rather something we've had all along, but had so far been fortunate enough not to discover. Anyway, this is less important, strength is strength nevertheless, although it's so hard to remember we have it when we are at our most vulnerable. I'm sure you will be able to give your son all the help he needs, I agree that your strength is obvious.

Dramamum, you can be happy for your friend, but at the same time sad and angry for Liam, yourself and your family. It's such early days for you...You can count your blessings, but your loss of Liam is real and tragic and needs acknowledging.

Sad day here as well, I feel shaky and fragile. We bought flowers to take to the cemetery tomorrow, and I couldn't help thinking that it's baby clothes I would have bought now. We were decorating one of the bedrooms earlier and it's like it's always with me, the life we would have had if Silvia had been with us today. I could see myself very pregnant, and my dh with me, and we both laughing and talking about June, when she was due.

Although...I can laugh sometimes now, even if the sadness never goes away completely. I feel sometimes, briefly, that I can start to see "the other side". That would be a good novel title, wouldn't it, "The other side of grief". After feeling this bit of optimism, I usually relapse, like my mind is afraid to hope too much.

Anyway, I'm rambling on so I'd better stop now. Much love xxxx