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Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

1000 replies

treedelivery · 22/01/2010 10:57

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

OP posts:
AllwaysDoingSomething · 12/04/2010 17:30

Congratulations Cantdo. Fab news.

Ginafb, hoping your appointment gives you answers, thinking of you.

Coffee, yes i've been accepted. I feel very comfortable with these people. They used Rose and Lillys names with such tenderness and when I described us as lucky not to have a house full of baby items, she said it was hardly luck! They seemed to say the right things and be on my side....if that makes sense?

Coffeeandchocolate · 12/04/2010 19:51

Such an emotional day for our thread?congratulations again Cantdo, it must have been so nerve wracking though. We are looking forward for more details when you feel up to it. Please don?t feel pressured though, you so deserve some time just with your family, enjoying the little one. We?re here thinking of you, and your story is so full of hope. Bee is right, you should change your username.

Allways, you do reach out, and your words help. I am so glad you will have counselling, it?s so important to talk. I understand so well why you need to hear Lily?s and Rose?s names, your babies were real, and as has been said here before they will always be your babies. And I do hope your IVF will be successful in the future and you will have healthy babies, but this will never make your baby girls less real or less important. The way I look at it is that our babies will always be part of our families, but just in a different way than we would have hoped. Such an unfair, sad way, but it?s more important at the moment to realise that they will never be forgotten. This sounds like a cliché, but it?s so true though.

Justa, so sorry to hear your sad news, I?m thinking of you. At the same time, I wanted to thank you for one of your posts a while ago, when I had just joined this thread. You mentioned the words of Kahlil Gibran: The more that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. They didn?t have much impact on me then, but I found myself remembering them and I then found the whole poem, and there is another part of the poem which I found immensely comforting: When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. It?s so important for me to remind myself that Silvia?s short life has given me so much joy? I have to confess I am not very successful, most of my days are still miserable, and I don?t think I?ll ever completely get over the anger the image of her tiny body raises in me. But these words still help me.

I found that looking at Silvia?s photos changed the way I am grieving. I don?t think I can explain it very well, on the one hand they really floored me, and on the other hand I feel it was the right thing to do, I couldn?t not have looked at them. When those images pop into my head, it?s like someone kicked me really hard in the stomach. But I strangely feel that I need to go through this, that it?s part of my grief.

Popsy and Gina, how are you? I hope the appointment went well Gina. Popsy, thinking of you in the run up to the funeral. Moneli, you have been very quiet lately, I hope you?re ok?

Hello as well to Mishta, Bee , Bezzyk and NumptyMum (I hope I didn't forget anyone) xxxx

justaboutkeepingawake · 12/04/2010 20:21

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Coffeeandchocolate · 12/04/2010 21:07

I'm so glad Justa. Please don't hesitate to post if you feel it helps. Lots of love xxxx

popsy1 · 12/04/2010 21:56

Such amazing news can't. Congratulations. Love n hugs to you and you'd family.

Hi to everyone. Will post properly soon

busierbee · 13/04/2010 00:41

And to Justa, I just can not believe that there is more loss in your family and I am truly sorry to hear it. We are here for you as you have been for us so many times.
It shapes us all of this and it seems that this is how life is. Growing up, becoming a true adult is not an easy thing. Somewhere, there must be peace and acceptance that life can be cruel, confusing and harsh but I am not sure when we will all get there.
The analogy of the cottage does not seem adequate at all anymore for the intensity of pain and suffering that is being endured by someone, somewhere, all of the time.
Good night to you and all of you.
The precious newness of lovely Cantdo's baby girl offers some hope that life is good.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dramamum · 13/04/2010 09:29

Hey everyone, i'm sort of a newbie to all this and someone pointed me in ur direction so here goes...Two weeks ago i gave birth to my 17wk old DS2 in what they call a 'theraputic termination' because he was diagnosed with DS and AVSD as well as being told he may also have hertsburgers syndrome (sorry i'm not sure on the spelling of that!) as i know u ladies can imagine DP and i are heartbroken we have cried till we can't anymore and then some i can't even find words for the grief and loss we feel but at the same time (and this is what confuses me) i can't help wanting to try again asap!? after divulging this to DP i have learned he feels the same we want to try again but feel it would in some way be trying to replace our beautiful boy. At the moment DS1 is keeping me going but every time i look at him i think of how much i want him to have a bro or sis to play with. sorry for rambling i'm just looking for anyone who can give me some support/advice or has been where i am now
Oh and big congrats to cantdo!! and big hugs to Justa xxx

Coffeeandchocolate · 13/04/2010 09:48

Hi Dramamum, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I logged in very quickly now from work and I have to dash, but I just wanted to say that you have found here a safe space and although many of us are very raw as well, it's so good just to talk about our babies, how we feel and the hurdles we are facing in our eveyday lives. We are here for each other. xxxx

Dramamum · 13/04/2010 10:01

Thanks c&c thats so good to know must say i got a sense of calm when i found this thread xxx

NumptyMum · 13/04/2010 11:06

Dramamum - I too am at work, so only quick post, but I think at this stage there is such a huge range of raw/powerful emotions you'll be feeling quite buffeted by them. Can totally relate to the crying; and also to the desire to have something to hope for. I lost my DD last summer, and remember being desparate to conceive again afterwards. You'll know in your heart of hearts it's not to replace your lost boy (and he will always be your boy, part of your life), but I think it's natural to want to be pregnant again, to have something to hope for. Plus like you, I really wanted a brother or sister for my DS so I also felt the loss for him too. There is no 'right way' to go through this time, only the way that is right for you - but you'll find here others who have had the same feelings and experiences, and it really helps to know you're understood.

Better go, sorry to rush off... but be gentle to yourself. xx

justaboutkeepingawake · 13/04/2010 12:45

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justaboutkeepingawake · 13/04/2010 12:47

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NumptyMum · 13/04/2010 13:15

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, Justa - so sad when a young child is left without their parent; and you are left without your friend. Just shouldn't happen...

Coffeeandchocolate · 13/04/2010 13:35

Oh Justa, this is terribly sad and unfair... thinking of you.

Dramamum · 13/04/2010 17:21

Justa can't even imagine what that poor child is going through but i imagine it's something like what i feel only about 100 times more all consuming, as c&c said so so sad and unfair and Numpty i couldn't have said it better myelf thats exactly how i feel it's just so lovely to know that i'm not alone in how i feel xx

Coffeeandchocolate · 13/04/2010 19:57

Hello ladies,

First of all I just wanted to send a hug to Popsy. I'll be thinking of you and your baby tomorrow. I was a wreck in the run-up to Silvia's cremation, I actually went to my GP who prescribed Diazepam for a few days. But it turned out to be a meaningful day, and it helped me so much on that day to know that the lovely ladies here were thinking about her and about us, another proof that she was real and important, and that my loss deserved acknowledgement. Unfortunately you have been through this before...it doesn't make the pain less intense though, so know we'll be thinking of you and your baby here.

Dramamum, about trying again, it seems to be the "natural" reaction after what we've been through. We were happily pregnant and expecting to be pregnant for a few months yet, and then this horrible shock... Also, the pain is so intense, that I think the mind needs to cling to something positive. I also felt very guilty thinking that having another baby would mean replacing Silvia, but then I realised (and talking about it in here helped me realise) that if my girl had been alive and well, and here with us, I would want her so much to have a sibling, and I wouldn't think for a second that a sibling would replace her. So another baby would definitely not be a replacement. Silvia has her place in our family already, and a place in my heart which is only hers.

I still have days when I am tortured by guilt, but it's not the guilt of replacing her.

Also, we're not TTC at the moment, we decided to wait at least until we have the post-mortem results, on 13 May. It doesn't help that my body is still messed up and I'm still bleeding a bit, even if it's 8 weeks today since my termination. The urge to be pregnant again is overwhelming, but like all of us on this thread I am also terrified. I think that waiting for a bit will help us really feel like trying again is a new start.

Are you waiting as well for post-mortem results?

This turned out to be a lengthy post,sorry. I hope everyone is as ok as they can be. I've been thinking a lot about Cantdo and her little one, I hope old wounds are healing.

Much love xxxx

Coffeeandchocolate · 13/04/2010 20:00

And also to Gina: I hope your appointment yesterday went well.

Dramamum · 13/04/2010 23:00

Hello again everyone, c&c i'm not waiting for post mortem results we decided against it. I think your right with what u say about the brain having something positive to cling to and your right even if Liam had been a perfecley healthy little baby i still would have wanted another baby at some point...i just feel we were so prepared to be parents me again DP for the first time and now all that preperation and all the hopes we had for him are gone i just feel like i need something to cling to. Silly thing is i'm only 25 i still have a few good baby making yrs in me and my head is telling me i need to let my body heal (i too am still bleeding on and off and very little but a perminant reminder of what i've been through) and grieve for the little boy we had so briefly but who like u say about Silvia will always be a part of our family and our lives and will live in my heart and my head forever, but my heart wants another child so much i never knew i could feel so strongly about something! were not TTC either it's way too early for us, we have spoken about it and think were going to leave it for a bit let my body get back to (relative) normallity before giving it another go...like u say a new start xxx

popsy1 · 14/04/2010 07:10

Hugs gratefully receieved coffee. Thank u for thinking of us today xx

NumptyMum · 14/04/2010 07:30

Popsy, thinking of you and your family today - so sad to go to your own baby's funeral, I cried buckets but did find that it helped. Hope your day is gentle and healing. xx

Dramamum · 14/04/2010 09:23

Sending lots of love and hugs to you Popsy i'll be thinking of u today XxXxXxXxX

Eulalia · 14/04/2010 09:44

Wow Can't what lovely news, huge congratulations and welcome to the world little Can't. I guess I've not been paying attention as I didn't realise you were due so soon. How lovely for her to be born on such a lovely sunny day. I hope its also keeping nice for Friday for my dd. Much love to you and your family.

Popsy, thinking of you today

And welcome dramamum, sorry for your loss, I hope you find the thread a welcome sanctuary.

Welcome back justa, but sad to hear its under these circumstances.

Not got much time so hugs to all. xxx

busierbee · 14/04/2010 11:02

Dearest Popsy
Thinking of you and hoping that today offers some comfort amidst all the pain and agony.
Bee xxx

Mishtabel · 14/04/2010 11:15

Hi everyone, I have a houseload of girls tonight so must be brief. Just wanted to say...

Popsy, will be thinking of you today/ tonight. Hope you can somehow feel us with you xxx

Coffee - "a place in my heart which is only hers" - brought tears to my eyes, just so lovely xxx

Justa, I am so sorry for you and the families. Just so tragic when there are children involved xxx

Dramamum, welcome to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have found us, I hope we can help you to get through somehow. I think wanting to have another baby is so natural and is, in a way, a testament to the love you had, and have, for your son xxx

Love to everyone else, and hugs to those who really need them today xxxx

katiecubs · 14/04/2010 12:04

Popsy also thinking of you and your family today, i hope you manage to say some special goodbyes xxx

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