Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Dear Bee, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you in the run-up to another anniversary. I am not sure when it is, but thinking of you nevertheless. And also of Bezzyk, someone said here a few days ago that your anniversaries are very close. Big hugs xxxx

Hi all. Hope the sunshine is giving everyone a bit of a lift.
How are you lovely ladies today?
I went for a massage earier, it was lovely. I've really been suffering with tension and stress aches in my head, neck and shoulders. I've started my reflexology again so hopefully that will help.
Allways, what a lovely idea about the easter eggs.The fertility route is hard to cope with, although i am only taking clomid and metformin, so not as stressful as your ivf. Next step is iui for us. Although i keep getting told time isnt on my side!!
You asked about my losses. I have a DS who is 13. We tried again for dc2 but no luck, had fertility for a while and still no bfp so we decided (not easily)to be thankful for our ds as we were both becoming very stressed etc. I'm sure that sounds familiar! Anyway 8 yrs later i fell pg and was initially shocked we were delighted. I was very poorly during the pg. I needed a amnio at 18wks and unfortunately that tiny % of an infection happened to me. My waters broke on the sunday evo and my beautiful boy was born at 4am monday morning. It was a complete shock and to be honest i fell apart. It took me months for life to become bearable again. We started fertility again and i fell pg again in December 09. At our 12wk scan the sonographer uttered those unbearable words "i'm sorry to tell you....." i just couldnt listen. I started to sob and begged her not to say that. She told my DH that our babies organs were growing outside his body, but there was still hope. We went over to the city hospital and saw a consultant, the same one that did the amnio, i was a complete mess. We had a cvs as she said there was a high risk of abnormalities. We both clung to that hope and researched exomphalos and what could be done. 5 long days later the results came through and our baby had pateau syndrome and the prognosis wasnt good. We were both in shock and after guidance we decided to end the pg. Im still like many of you and struggle with what i have done and pray that i made the right decision. I am very confused about ttc again, wondering how would we cope if it happened again? Sorry for a long story, i have shortened it!
Anyway must sign out as going out for dinner with my dh.
Sending hugs and extra strength to those that have anniversaries looming and anyone else that needs them.

xx

Hello all

Apologies for being so scarce, I'm just in a place (similar to Eulalia I guess) where I have to move on, and focus on real life.

Just wanted to say welcome back to Allways, I have been wondering how you were coping. As everyone else has already said, you sound so dignified.

Hello to everyone else too. Eulalia, MrsBG, Popsy, babylily (if you're reading), Mishtabel, coffee, blondie, Can't and of course Bee.

Thanks to everyone for remembering my anniversary. Tuesday was a year since my termination. It was a tough day. Helped by the fact that I'm minding my brothers 2 kids this week, so was unable to breakdown. I wanted to though. Hardest part, was that I got through that awful day last year, by thinking, this time next year, we'll have a tiny baby. Not this one, but another. Well, that wasn't meant to be, in fact, I'm in a worse situation 12 months down the line.

In summary for anyone who doesn't know my story:
Early miscarriage 2006
DD 2007
T21 termination April 2009
Missed miscarriage Oct 2009 (Patau's)
Early miscarriage march 2010

We're now undergoing tests by the recurrent miscarriage clinic. All soul destroying, as DH has given up. Wants to call it a day.

I feel bad for not posting for ages and then talking about me. It's been a hard few days.

Can't - Enjoy your last weekend as a family of 3! Will be thinking of you constantly.

Much love xx

very lengthy post warning!!

Dear Bezzy, like you I've been less present on these boards - I feel that I'm not in the right place to post and those here who are more recent to (or raw about) their loss are better at helping each other. But I do read, I am here even if not posting, and I do think of everyone and how you are all getting along.

Bezzy, I feel so much for you - and for Popsy and Allways and Bee and all those who still hope to have children and for whom that has brought heartache and difficulty, and the knowledge that fertility is not straightforward. And all the worse if your DH is not of the same opinion - although I am sure if you become pregnant and all is OK he would be delighted. I did wonder after last year whether DS would be happy as an only child, and I know the answer is yes, he would be perfectly happy. And life would be different, but not worse or better. But I thought I'd give it one more shot and for us, we were fortunate. I do hope that things resolve themselves for you.

Popsy's story reminded me of my work colleague's story - her mother married young, had her brother fairly quickly, then tried for years and years to have another baby (I don't know if there simply was no baby, or miscarriages... I'm guessing colleague's Mum wouldn't go into those kind of details). Anyway, in her early 40s she went to the doctor complaining of kidney trouble/pain, and the surprising answer was that she was pregnant with my colleague. (Brother was mortified though, being by that time in his late teens he refused to push the pram in case people thought the baby was his...). So fertility is a strange, mysterious force...

Popsy, I am so sorry again about your losses over the last year, it is a lot to bear. The sadness of knowing you had a child, and then your child had gone. Like you, my 12 (13)wk scan revealed abnormalities for which we had a CVS, diagnosing patau's. I don't know if you googled, but most people do - and of course I found the 'Living with Trisomy 13' website which gave all the stories of babies and children who actually lived with that condition. But as my DH pointed out, they are hardly likely to include the stories of babies who struggled badly with the condition, whose parent's felt they were suffering - and it was for that reason we decided to end the pregnancy, because although I could have chosen to continue the pregnancy, for me in DD's situation, that would have been the selfish decision, a decision that would allow me to at least have and hold a baby even though that baby might be struggling to breathe or eat (at 13wks her problems included a brain that had failed to divide, bright/enlarged kidneys and possible heart problems). I was lucky to have very good RL support, and a lady from my church really helped me to not see ending the pregnancy as a negative thing, but rather as a choice that would release DD from the path that she was on so her soul could be free. As it was, because we took 2 weeks to make the actual appointment to end the pregnancy, I went for a scan the day before and learned that she had died. So if we had ended the pregnancy earlier, we would only have brought forward her release by a few days. I AM glad that we didn't have the burden of living with making the decision, as that always leaves you open to questioning yourself and your motives, but I do still think that it would have been the best decision if we'd had to make one.

And I am now pregnant again - and it was nerve-wracking, those first weeks up until we passed the 13/14wk scan mark, because even though patau's is random (at least full patau's is, I think only mosaic/partial patau's is inherited) there is the thought that something else might be wrong. But it wasn't. The ironic thing with DD was that before I knew of her problems I was relieved that I'd be having her before I turned 40, knowing that stats obviously get worse as you get older. Now here I am at 40, pregnant. But all is OK. So, go with your heart re TTC...

Wishing everyone a quiet/good weekend - Babylily, I hope you are settling into your new home OK after your move to Scotland? Bye to everyone else, and I do think of you even if I don't post here. xx NM

Hi everyone,

I agree with Eulalia about the sunshine - it does make a difference, somehow, even if it's just a temporary lightening of spirits. Happy birthday to your DD!

Bezzy, seeing your history written down is shocking. You've had a horrible time. Please don't assume your DH has given up entirely - it must depend on what the recurrent miscarriage tests throw up. I really hope you get some useful answers one way or another. In the meantime, you have the holiday. (I know that doesn't solve anything - it helps, though - we have to take anything that helps...).

Popsy, your history is horrible too. Good luck with the fertility treatment, and same goes for Allways.

Coffee, you're quiet - how are you doing?

Bee, ditto, hope you're okay.

I am fine, just getting last things ready. Still anxious. Notice 'very anxious' is written in my notes! oh well. It is true, anyway. Stopping myself from googling things that can go wrong as it doesn't help. Shangrila, Mishtabel, Lins, you were so brave!

Realize this community must be more than a year old now, although I didn't join it till later.

Hello everyone,

Cantdo, you are so close... I am thinking about you and your little one these days, when is the big day next week? Can I tell you not to google, even if I don't sound too convincing? We will be here to hold your hand, it will be such an emotional day!

You asked how I'm doing, well here it is again I'm afraid, another depressing post. Despite the sun shining I am in a dark place again, the rawness and anger have come back. I had a difficult couple of days, yesterday we went to the cemetery to chose a plot to bury Silvia's ashes, and today we've started decorating what would have been the nursery. Also today, we went to some friends to give back the car seat they had used for their dd, and which we had borrowed from them a couple of weeks before the terrible anomaly scan. Now that we don't need it anymore, she wanted to give it to one of her work colleagues, who is due soon. Fair enough, but it still hurt to give it back.

I looked at Silvia's photos, yesterday for the first time and also today. I was ok yesterday, but today I fell apart. I have no doubt that I looked at them at the right moment, I felt a very strong urge to see her again and I knew I could handle it, and I did actually, despite breaking down. But seeing her so tiny, so innocent, I just felt a massive surge of love, and also of pity. I'm not sure it is the right word to explain it, I don't mean it in a negative way, but I just feel so terribly sorry for her and angered that she didn't have any chance to live a happy life, that I faced this horrible decision, that I had to give up my baby so that she wouldn't suffer. And seeing her again also brought back the horrible memories of that day when I was scanned, and of the days before my termination, and the sheer despair I felt then.

So the sun shining is not doing very much for me, I'm afraid. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I never know these days... Sorry for throwing a depressing post in the middle of what is otherwise a sunny day. I do hope I'll be able soon to give something back to this thread.

Hi everyone,
Just dropping in to say hi and wish Cant all the best. Ended up posting on another thread, and that led me back to a thread I posted on in 2008, and reading everything I wrote back then. Oh, it was a terrible time. The time of deciding, just wanting to do the best for everyone, but without the luxury of a crystal ball, not knowing what that 'best' was. Turmoil. Still wonder sometimes - what if he'd been only mildly affected, with no major health or cognitive issues? But there is no way of knowing unless we decide one way or the other. Either way, I would have to have lived with my decision. Either way there would be no turning back. And either way, I would no doubt feel guilt. I think this bears remembering, for you Coffee especially xxx

Didn't mean to go off on that little tangent. Popsy, your losses truly are devastating. We all fear the risks that come with invasive testing, but to actually have it happen is so cruel. I bled for a week (to varying degrees) after I had my last cvs (results normal), and although it settled, the thoughts that ran through my mind in that week were torturous. I can only imagine the pain you must feel xxx

Anyway, Cant, all the very very best to you. As Bezz said - your last weekend as a family of 3! If I was rich, I would pop over to see you, truly I would. Remember, anxiety is expected and means nothing - you'll be fine. Can't wait to hear the news xxx

Hugs and love to Bezz, Bee and all xxx

Ps: Numpty, your story reminds me of a lady at work (patient) who was 45 and had just given birth. She had adult children but had had fertility issues since. She went to her doctor one, fearing the worst as she had lost her appetite, lost weight, had abdominal pain and had felt a mass. Doctor asked if she could be pregnant, but she had already "gone through menopause". You guessed it, she was pregnant - 5 months! All that usual initial worry skipped. Wouldn't that be nice? Hope you're getting some rest Numpty. Will pop over next door soon xxx

Coffee, took me so long to write my post last night, I x-posted with you. It must have been hard giving back the car seat. One of my SIL's gave me her sons baby clothes when I was pregnant in 2008, and my other SIL announced she was pregnant not long after. When my pregnancy ended, I could not bring myself to pass on the clothes, though I probably should have. Thankfully, I don't think anyone was game to ask me either. I'm sure I would have resented it as I resented her pregnancy anyway - sounds horrible, I know, but I did.
I hope you wake to a brighter day today. I think looking at the photos is one more hurdle you have faced. And however hard it was, you did it, you coped. Hugs to you, although virtual hugs seem so inadequate at these times xxx

Thinking of you constantly Cant. Really looking forward to hearing your exciting news!

Much love
BK xxxx

Hi all

Coffee, well done for looking at those photos. I've bored you before with my fear of looking at mine... but I think it is good to look at them and to remember. As for the carseat - I can see that that hurts. My equivalent was putting away maternity clothes (twice), wondering if I would ever actually need them again. It feels like such a slap around the face. But it's early days for you and you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling like you do. I promise it does get easier.

Excuse short post... I am going to hospital tomorrow. Can barely believe it. I've asked Bezzy to update you all.

But I just want to say thank you to all of you for being here with me since last May and for your support. This is a truly special place and I'm very grateful to you.

Cantdo, you'll probably not read this tonight, but just in case I felt like I should say one more time good luck for tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you and really look forward to hearing your news. Much love xxxx

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck for tomorrow Cant. I will be thinking of you. Love n hugs xx

Cant, good luck today.

Coffee, I wish I could reach out and help you more. I read your post and often find myself wanting to say something to ease your pain, but can't find the words. Its all so raw for us both, for many of us here. I bezzyk, Eulalia and numpty dropping by and I'm taking comfort that they have adjusted to their new found normality, what ever that may be. Some day coffee, we'll adjust to ours. You've done so much, looking at your daughters photographs, finding a resting place....I think dealing with just one is enough to contend with, so in the hugeness of it all I think you're doing very well.

I have an assessment session with a local bereavement charity at noon today. It comes on the back of a very up and down time, I was great on Friday and Saturday, felt like I?d found some sort of balance. We picked up the twins ashes on Saturday, feels so lovely to have them home. Sunday was tough. Found out that DH?s cousin had had her little boy, DH knew this a few days earlier and decided not to tell me as I was doing so well...... It has thrown me, not only do I feel like a monster that people can?t talk to, but I miss my girls all over again. I feel I want to drop of the world right now and hide for a few months.

Very short post today.
Thinking of you all
Cant - good luck! xx
Everyone much love xxx
Have appt at the hospital today for the autopsy results. Not doing too well this morning.

Just received the wonderful news!

Baby girl Cantdo arrived this morning!

as per text:

"7lb7 Gorgeous and healthy and with a good voice."

Congratulations Cantdo, I'm so thrilled for you

BK xxxx

Hooray for Cant and family!

And the warmest of welcomes for Little Miss Cant.

Lovely news! xxxx

Oops! And a thank you and big hello to Bezzy. Hope you're doing well too. Was in Bristol last week and thought of you. Love etc x

Congrats to Cantdo! Hope Mum, Dad, baby and new Big Sister are all doing well! xx

And thanks to Bezzy for passing on the news .

Such great news, thank you Bezzyk for keeping us all posted! Congratulations Cantdo, sending you much love, xxxx

PS: will write more tonight, I have to dash now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Gina's appointment. And Allways, I hope the assessment session goes "well" - is it so they can decide if they can offer you counselling?

Fantastic news! Well done Cant and family, and thanks for the update Bezzy. K x

Oh such wonderful news!! I bet Cant is just so relieved. Thanks Bezz for being so quick to pass on the news. Send her our love xxxx

(can't sleep now after that news )

Congratulations Can?t and family ? super news I am thrilled to bits for you all, good news for DD too that she got the little sister she was wanting!

Much love to you on this very special day ? I hope it brings some hope to everyone on these threads xxx

Oh I am delighted, so very delighted, to hear your happy news Cantdo. Maybe we should change your name to Did-do!!
What wonderful news for you and your husband and your little big girl.
And to everyone here who is suffering, please do know that it will pass through you, that we are thinking of you and sharing your pain. It is so very raw and fresh still for you Coffee and Allways and Gina and Babylily - if you are reading. It hurts so. Somehow you will get through this day, and then there will be better ones. And again maybe a bad one will hit. I still have them, a year and a half and a year on. But they rage less frequently and less powerfully. The waves are gentler. Let them wash over you. It is normal, it is okay and the body and mind have been designed to cope with this trauma.
Hold onto whatever helps to root you through the storm.

Big cuddles to all
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx