Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Hi Popsy

I'm glad you're feeling you can get out and do things despite feeling so sad. The pregnant bump thing really got to me after both terminations. They seemed to be everywhere and people would be smoking, drinking etc, and it would seem so unfair. Glad you had a nice time with DH and DS anyway, and that you are coping somehow.

As you know it does get easier...

Hi Cantdo, I think you are so right. These past few days I have felt myself changing. There is certainly less guilt. A few days ago I wrote in here that I feel like I failed my baby. But having spent a lot of time thinking about it, I realised what I said to Blondie today: that if I ever had to choose between remembering Silvia as I do know and remembering her suffering, I prefer to remember her as I do now. However, even though I feel less tormented, there is this huge sadness. I can function, but I feel heavy. I laugh, but it?s not genuine. I don?t know when and where I read this: go through all the daily movements until they start making sense again. I remember my baby as I ?met? her 6 weeks ago, and the image of her tiny body is with me all the time. There is overwhelming love, but the guilt, most of the time, is not here anymore. It comes back every now and then, but generally it is manageable.

I do feel that I made some progress, though it seems inappropriate to call it like that, but I wonder if this is true only in here. I?m not sure I?m able to transfer all this into RL very well. I find it very hard to stop my tears when I get emotional, and I also find it hard talking to people about day-to-day stuff. I am very fragile. And you describe it so well: the shock at what we did never goes away, it?s always under the surface. Today, without any reason, I remembered the scan room, the crazy hope we had that somehow the second scan will show that the sonographer at our local hospital had been wrong. And then the words I?ll never forget. ?There is something very wrong with the baby?s brain?. And the word ?termination?. I wanted to take my things and get out, and just never look back.

Babylily, it?s great that the appointment with the geneticist went well, and I?m happy to hear you sound more optimistic. I hope the move goes well and let us know more when you?re back on line.

Popsy, you seem to be managing so well, and it?s a huge achievement to be able to go out and not isolate yourself. So right about the bumps, it's such a mixed feeling... no biterness, just an overwhelming longing.

Big hugs to everyone xxxx

Hello, just popping my head round the door. Sorry I've not been around to help with supporting words and encouragement. I've just been feeling so good it felt right to distance myself. I am still OK. I guess I should remain so. For the newer ones my termination was just over a year ago and fortunately this came after I had my family although obviously at the time was happy to have one more. Was not to be though ... anyway surprisingly despite feeling quite raw even up to the days before the anniversary it just seemed to disappear afterwards. It did seem like a hurdle to another 'normal' life. I thought I'd be thinking about how I felt this time last year but no, its just gone. I even feel I should be feeling more sad but I've been through all that and there is no more guilt any more either. Life does go on and events replace the old feelings.

For this very moment I am caught up in nursing my ds1 and dd as they have chickenpox (what a great start to the holidays!). dd started on Saturday and ds1 is a day or two behind so should be in quarantine for a bit (although am considering sneaking to the cinema tomorrow at the back row perhaps?) ds2 is showing no signs of coming down yet and hoping he'll hold out till after the holidays so we can get out and about more. Ah well nothing I can do about it.

Pouring with icy rain too... just as well we didn't book to go away.

I am sorry I am not up to individual posting but just wanted to know that even though I'm not here I am thinking of you brave ladies. Sorry to see more newcomers but it means that there is more support for each other.

All the best to you all.xxxx

Hello,
Isn't it funny how our 'recovery' is so not linear. It really is one step forward, two back. Following my post op elation I have slumped a bit today. I think it's partly because I missed a few calls from the hospital who left messages saying they were calling with 'dates'. I imagine that will be PM results and maybe the clinical psychologist I asked for weeks ago (better late than never!?) Also, a friend came over this aft for a play date with her DS. I don't know her that well, just see each other every couple of months. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said, almost aggressively 'I just have to say I feel really awkward telling you this but I'm pregnant'. I then felt guilty for putting HER in a difficult position and completely overcompensated by telling her how delighted I was and it didn't bother me in the least. I'm sure it was just because she felt awkward that she chose to tell me in such an oddly aggressive way, but it didn't do much to help my mood. I guess I'm over sensitive too. And all the while I'm counting down the weeks to when we can ttc again. Is that awful? In my dark moments it's what keeps me going.
I hope everyone else is doing as OK as can be expected. Blondie, you have found the right place. I hope today finds you more peaceful. Unless the prognosis was awful for your DS, the hospital would not have suggested a termination, and it sounds like you made the only decision you could to ensure your child didn't have a lifetime of suffering. But of course you will still think of him and wonder. In one of our earlier posts we talked about how you don't get over these experiences, you absorb it and it becomes part of who you are while you carry on with life.
x

Hello All

Lovely to hear from you Justa, although I wish things were better with your DS. Are there treatments for this condition?

NIce to hear from you too Eulalia, I completely understand your need to keep your distance, I feel much the same, and do feel a little better for it. Hope the pox clear up soon.

Life is slowly moving on here, even though we're going ahead with the recurrent miscarriage testing, I'm distancing myself from the thought of another baby. My life is good, I have a healthy daughter. I'd dearly love a sibling for her but my obsession of another baby wasn't good for her either, hence I'm attempting to move on.

We've booked a holiday, off to the Caribbean next month for a week, and I've got myself a personal trainer, so I'm attempting to have more positive things in my life. Also trying to lose the weight that I put on over the last year. Being pregnant 3 times in 12 months is not good for the waistline.

Nasty week coming up anniversary of the nuchal on Thursday and termination on Tuesday.

Hello to everyone, sorry I can't write to each individually, but know you're in safe hands here.

Much love

Oh Justa, I can see it's really hard to find out there IS a real issue with DS2. And at the same time the diagnosis will bring you help and support to tackle the issue, so as you say it's a positive and a negative. But having a diagnosis for now doesn't mean your DS will always have the same problem, does it? Nor does it show whether it's mild or not, and given it's taken this long to diagnose it would suggest it is.

Not surprised you're exhausted - how does DS3 sleep now?

Eulalia, hello and sorry about the chickenpox epidemic! What a beginning to the holidays. I'm glad you are feeling like a year on, you can move on, if you see what I mean. I wonder if the difference between you and others here is that you know your family is complete as it is, whereas we've been caught up in trying to have a healthy baby again? I don't know. Anyway it's good that you've come so far. And lovely to hear from you.

Coffee, how are you doing today? Also you - like Bee - write so very well. Do you write as part of your job?

Crossposted with Moneli and Bezzy.

Moneli, I counted the weeks to TTC again too. And then paradoxically was terrified when the time was right - felt it had gone too fast - but tried anyway. It's all so hard to manage sanely.

Bezzy, are you trying to make us all jealous by posting about the Caribbean?! Good luck with the forthcoming anniversaries - hopefully Easter will be a distraction... Not that you can feast on chocolate if you're getting yourself bikini-ready....

Just popping over from the other thread to say hello all; been reading but so many things going on haven't felt able to post and others have always said so well what needs saying in response.

But wanted to say to Justa, one of my friends has dyspraxia, he's got at least 1 (poss 2) PhDs, been a lecturer at a university in London - was diagnosed late on when he was an adult but I suspect that's because no-one had a name for the condition when he was young as he does have a couple of more telling traits (rocking/flapping and clumsy - not that it prevented him from being a good runner in his youth)... so your DS2 will need extra support for some things, but that has been identified and so long as you work out what areas need support, it doesn't mean he will have all the symptoms. Just in the same way that my DH has dyslexia (although actually he's such a classic dyslexic one tester thought he was faking it!) and found his path through life ending up doing graphic design.

Sorry to hijack thread... hoping all the new people here are finding support from one another, this thread was my lifesaver last year. Bee - you've been very quiet, hoping all is OK with you... and I'm guessing Tree is still trying to balance family/work return and has no MN time left! xx

Whoops, it's not anniversary of the nuchal tomorrow, it's the anniversary of the dreadful results of the CVS

Hello numpty

BK xx

Thanks to all of you who have given me support since I posted on Monday. It has helped (as well as having a good cry on Monday night). I don't understand how these feelings come and go so much although it is the fourth anniversary of the scans and appointments leading upto DS birth on April 25th so obviously thats something to do with it. Hello to everyone else too.

Hi everyone, I?ve read all your posts but am having a busy week at work, so haven?t been able to post, I hope to be able to do it tonight. Just in case I don?t manage to, I just wanted to say to Bee and Bezzyk that I?ll be thinking of you both tomorrow, and sending you a big virtual hug xxxx

Bee, Bezzy, I am thinking of you and your lost babies for tomorrow. Many hugs. I wish I could find something more profound to say but I can't. I'm thinking of you two, anyway.

Good evening dear ladies, here I am again, in all my glory... I have to warn you that my post will probably be long.

Justa, I am sorry to hear about your DS, I wish you strength for your battle with the NHS, and will keep my fingers crossed that he will respond well to the treatment. No need to apologise for not having been able to post, it?s understandable. It?s good to have you back though.

Eulalia, it?s great that you are ok now. Reading your post I wondered the same thing as Cantdo, if you having found peace one year on isn?t due to the fact that you had completed your family before the termination. Whatever the reason might be though, I?m happy you are now in a better place mentally.

Moneli, this rollercoaster is so tiring, isn?t it? I think the best thing we can do is just to forget about wanting to feel better, and just get through the days. Hopefully brighter days will come... About TTC, although I know it?s not going to happen for us in the very near future, I caught myself counting the months in my head and thinking about possible delivery dates, depending on which month I would get pregnant again. I am, in a silly way, afraid of admitting it here, I am not normally superstitious, but I feel as if writing it down will jinx my chances. I think I associate this ray of optimism in my mind with the same naivety we had before finding out about the awful prognosis for our baby. But here it is though, black on white; I guess my rational side is still struggling for a bit of control.

And Cantdo, I am not writing for a living, though I am really, really flattered that you thought this might be possible, thank you. However, I have a degree in English and French, so this probably explains it. I had dreamed when I was a teenager that I would be a great poet, but couldn?t because of the competition.

I am at the moment freaking out. At the end of April, we have been invited to our niece?s baptism. She is 4 months old and the baby girl of my BIL and SIL, she should have been Silvia?s cousin. Almost everyone in our families expects us to be over it, and I think this scares me almost as much as seeing the baby. I find that if I?m talking with someone who acknowledges my feelings, I can behave in a ?normal? way, whereas if they dismiss them, all I want to do is end the conversation. Somehow it doesn?t feel right. I know I?m not reasonable at all, especially because they had tried for a baby for 2 years and thought they would need to look into IVF, they had their own journey, but I can?t help it.

And I?m also quite anxious thinking about the consultant appointment, although it is 6 weeks away. I have convinced myself that they will find the worst, and we might not be able to try again, or that we?ll have to wait a long time before then. Also, for some stupid reason, I am almost convinced that I will have a miscarriage anyway when I get pregnant, because this is relatively common. Even worse, I have started to think that even if I get pregnant again and don?t miscarry, something else will be wrong with the baby, and we?ll have to terminate again. So I have started to expect the worst, and every time I try to reason with myself there is a voice inside my head saying ?well, there were less than 1 in 1000 chances for something like this to happen, yet here you are?.

So mixed feelings, as usual, optimism on the one hand and thinking that in a few months I could be pregnant, and on the other hand expecting things not to work out. But one more day is almost gone, and although I?m wishing my life away at the moment, I really am happy it?s evening again.
Much love xxxx

Hello all. Sorry I'm not writing individual messages but I'm on my phone as I'm struggling to sleep. I've had a few bad days and just feel so sad. I've tried to stay positive, like 'normal', but how can it? I've lost 2 babies in a year. We've got a consultants appointment nxt tues about continuing with fertility treatment (it was booked before I found out I was pregnant). I don't know what to do. Is there any point? My last 2 pregnancies hzve ended badly so the next one, if I even manage to get pregnant, will probably end up like that aswell.
Plus I've got to take an Easter bunny round to my friends for her baby. She had her baby 2 months after my baby was due last year. She was my best friend of 20+ yrs, now we rarely see each other.
Another very close friend had her sister n nephew staying. He was born on the day of my sons funneral. I'm scared to talk to her about how I'm feeling because although she was amazing after a few months she kept away.
I've been goin into school all week to prepare for next term, just tokeep busy. Only 3 people at school know.
I'm sorry to dump this all on you when you have your own struggles.

Thinking of you today Bee.

Yes, thinking of you both today Bee and Bezzyk, and I hope the day goes peacefully xx

Popsy, I relapsed myself, had massive meltdown yesterday evening, a couple of hours after posting here, so I'm afraid I can't say anything helpful whatsoever but I'm just thinking of you. I think you should go ahead with the consultant appointment, it can't harm, and maybe he can put a different perspective on things and give you some information which might be helpful? I understand how difficult it will be, another reminder of your loss, but maybe something good can come out of it?

I'm afraid I need some hand holding myself. Yesterday evening I read about a baby with fluid on the brain and another anomaly who was born healthy. And after I thought I had managed to let go of guilt, it hit me again, a big slap in the face. I sobbed and sobbed and a massive "what if" is inside my head again. I know the situation was different, and when it comes to problems with the brain each case is judged on its own, as the issues are so complex. But it is here again, this paralysing guilt. I can deal with sadness, I can deal with missing my baby, I can deal with the anxiety of waiting for our appointment in May, if there is one thing I can't deal with it is this guilt. If I am not certain anymore that I did the right thing for my baby and for us, I'm not sure I can get over this.

I hesitated before posting because I really do feel like a hypocrite. I encouraged others in here just a couple of days ago, I said I was on my way to recovery and... bang, now I am talking about guilt myself, when I was trying to help others let go of it. I feel like a fraud, and feel like I have to apologise. My optimism of a few days ago seems like a joke now.

Coffee and Popsy I just popped by and read your posts and although I rarely post on this thread I really wanted to say I am thinking of you both. I fully appreciate the prospect of trying again and looking to the future is very hard to comprehend but as you know there are many stories with happy endings on here and the sister thread, seeing those stories was such a help and inspiration to me when I was where you are now - please try not to give up hope. I know it?s easy advice to give though and I?m afraid that my excuse for not visiting here very frequently anymore is part of that ? I?m sure someone recently praised Can?t and Numpty for giving so much to this thread despite being pregnant themselves and having been through so much, they are very brave women indeed.

As for other people really not understanding it is definitely a difficult one. I actually kept things largely to myself which was in a way a good thing as I could just carry on as normal and didn?t have to face the disappointment of people letting me down. However there was one very close friend in particular who I told after she announced her pregnancy a week after my termination ? she continued on as if nothing had happened happily chatting away about her symptoms. Although I never said anything to her and we still see each other frequently there will always be a little bit of something lost in that friendship which is so sad.

Anyway wishing both of you luck with your upcoming appointments ? I hope they provide you with the answers you are looking for.

Bee and Bezzy thinking of you both too ? I hope you are ok as can be xxx

Coffee we cross posted but I?m so sorry you had a hard time last night. I know the thread you mean and I understand why it made you question yourself but remember you don?t know the full details of that diagnosis, it was probably completely different to yours. Like all of us you made your decision based on the information you were told at the time and that?s the only thing you could have done. It?s a horrible decision to have to make but we did what we thought was best for our babies, ourselves and our families ? you have no need to ever feel guilty for that xxx

Hello everyone, apologies for my absence, work has been busy and I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

My SIL gave birth last week and we visited at the weekend. I didn't want to leave it too long before seeing her as I knew she felt guilty for having a healthy baby and I needed to make sure she was ok. I also felt that if I left it too long to see her baby girl (Aimee) that I would build up some kind of mental negativity about her and I didn't want that to happen, after all Olivia would have been only 3 months younger than her. We saw her on Sat morning and when I held her in my arms all I could see was Olivia in my arms at the hospital.... I cried and my SIL cried..... I couldn't function for the rest of the day and I still feel as if I am on autopilot, drifting in my routine. Its def been a case of a couple of steps forward and then several back again.

Blondie, welcome. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. This is a great place to share how you ared feeling even if it doesn't seem to make sense to yourself!

Babylily, great news that the genetic consultation was good!!

Coffee. I am also thinking about TTC again and am feeling the exact same way, the probabilities of miscarriage or other problems and having to go through this again. We have our consultants appointment on the 12th and I have been worrying about what they will say. I have met so many peoplerecently who have shared their stories with me where they have been through something similar and then gone on to have healthy children that I have to take something positive from that.

Thinking of you all

Much Love xxx

Thank you Katie and Gina xx

I realise that up to know I have somehow been sheltered here, on this thread, but I have to live in the RL as well and there will certainly be many happy stories, many positive outcomes. And of course I am so so happy to hear about them, in no way do I mean that people should be miserable just because I had to face this decision. I am happy for them, I really am, it's just that I have to face my demons and make peace with myself. I thought I had, but I jumped the gun. And it is very strange, I really do wish everyone well, and not for one moment do I wish things went wrong for someone else, but I can't stop crying for my baby. I really hope I don't sound mean and selfish saying that, but I can't really express all these feelings very well.

Katie, you said what my dh said to me, that every story is different and we had to make a decision based on our own situation. And then I remembered so many details of those awful days, and it all came back, all the rawness which I thought was gone. And that's why I said I feel like a fraud, like a hypocrite for trying to encourage people and then breaking down myself, my words of a few days ago now sound very hollow and I am sorry.

Gina, you've been very brave to visit your SIL and your niece, I'm sure it was the same mixed feeling - happiness for her, and sadness for Olivia and your dreams of a future together. I am actually seriously thinking about not going to see my SIL and her baby at the end of this month, even if I start to feel better by then.

And now I realise I am in a way hijacking Bee and Bezzyk's day and I am sorry for that as well.

Dear Ladies who have sent kind words. The sun is shining outside and how do I feel?
As if someone is sitting on my chest, a great heavy weight. I can see the sun yes, but cannot feel it.
This day last year, you see, was so stupendously badly handled by the medical profession. I nearly ran away from the hospital.
No kind words, no gentle midwives, just a regular ward.
Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing and alone and incapable of doing as I had been asked. To put the pessaries in myself. My whole body convulsing. I hated my lovely man. I can honestly say that I have never had to be so brave and strong. I have never had to twist my natural spirit of motherhood into such an ugly destructive mode. I do not know how I did it. In some ways, I will never be the same woman again.
But I have got through the year, eventually I laughed and whilst my life is touched with sadness now and again, I value what i have. I trust fewer friends; as some of you are finding. It is hard to keep being brave. You do not have to here however. Here is a place to be listened to and wise souls nod in understanding.
Have just had huge sob on phone with LM - he has not been able to talk about it at all. And I am cross and lonely and very, very sad indeed today.
I am sick of being brave.
Bee x

Oh Bee, I cry for you too. And I am appalled at how insensitively you were treated at the hospital. Your LM must be overwhelmed as well and probably has no idea what to say... Just hang in there to get through this day. I am thinking of you and your babies today xxxx

Oh Bee i'm not suprised you are sick of being brave. Such a sad day with so many bad memories. Do you have anyone else you can talk to or be with today? I hate to think of you alone xxx