support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Hi darling Bezzy
Am glad the article provoked discussion with Capt C. It provoked tears and a hug and no words with us- he did not read it. I did and sobbed because felt that maybe could happen to us- you know, the gap between how I feel about it all (sad) and how he feels about it all (pragmatic).
Dare I ask, do you want to talk about your ttc plans for the year ahead honey?
Just so you know, I am sick with fear and trepidation as have just booked to go and have an investigation scan today and bloods to see if I am even vaguely suitable for egg screening.
I am scared of having an internal scan, brings up so much anxiety for me. Scared of the answer, scared of embarking back on that journey. Suddenly quite like the carriage am in.
Hello to Mishta sitting quietly in the corner- how are you doing honey?
Bee xxxxxxxx

Oh Bee, so so so much luck being sent your way. Please let us know how you get on. Understand what you mean about 'liking the carriage' a case of the better the devil you know.

As for TTC, we'll see what happens. Certainly lost it's shine and excitement that it's held in the past.

Surely it's our turn for some luck?

Hello Mishta hope you're not melting away down there.......

Am being super lazy. Still in dressing gown watching Peppa Pig with Minibez. Why would I want another baby? this lazy life is pretty good!

Thinking of you Bee; I hope they are v sensitive and understanding and that the wait for info does not take long. xx NM

Think they will be as is costing a bloody fortune. And is in Harley Street so am expecting cappucino and croissant and a sticker for being a good girl. LM is away so am going alone; and trying to ignore the frightening cost of it all.
Bezzy - keep that dressing gown on. I sometimes wear a pinny over mine.

ha ha! My Cath Kidston apron over my dressing, what a contradiction!

Gown. Dressing gown.

It's certainly a wonderful look.
Guaranteed to keep LM away - especially if have not brushed hair and have glasses on. And am frowning.
Sometimes i even frighten myself.

It sounds like you're describing me! Have yet to put lenses in and hair is a nest.

What time is appt? Just so I can be there with that take away latte on the bench outside.

Gosh, it's been busy on here since Friday! I've not had a chance to pop in as have had a very busy weekend being spoiled and having fun. My party was great fun and I think I managed to fool most people that I was drinking! The trickiest bit was running surreptitiously back to the car to drive home before any other locals got a chance to 'share my (fictitious) cab with me'

I've not been able to fully read what's been going on since Friday but I mostly I've gathered there is a debate about whether to split the thread or not.

I will be honest and express my personal position. I do hope I don't offend anyone. Be warned, I do go on a bit

I 'met' Bee at the beginning of the year on ARC having had an almost spookily parallel experience. My termination happened in February and I spent 2 or 3 months in raw dispair. I went away in May and just before I went Bee told me about this thread. I have been popping in and out reading bits and bobs and gleaning some very helpful information but doing what a lot of forum users call 'lurking'. My trip away was a fairly momentus one emotionally as I was seeing my dad for the first time in 11 years and so it gave me a different focus and when I came back it felt like I was starting a different chapter. I felt ready to move forward and let myself feel peaceful. By getting involved in this thread I felt I would be re-churning up emotions I wanted to stay quiet. When it was all so raw with me I felt I needed to speak with others who I could relate to and hopefully help one another by sharing our experience and learnings from genetics experts/fetal meds etc. but once I'd found my piece a little I found it hard to read (almost re-live) some of the pain others were going through and learn of the various other problems that can arise.

I think this thread is a wonderful place and was very much needed. ARC is also fantastic but when you are in a place where you feel so alone and lost it's very difficult to use a 'platform' (better word please?) where you voice your pain and then watch the tumbleweed roll on by over a bank holiday as there are no mods to update the posts only to find that your cry for help has been lost in amongst all the other posts that have come in and you don't end up even getting an answer! A live place to share, wail and discuss in real time is just fantastic and Bee, you are an absolute star for starting this. However, from my personal experience, I would prefer to be in a separate thread to discuss the anxiety of being pregnant. I'm finding that with that anxiety it's not helpful to me to be reading of newer members' painful experiences as it is like catching a glimpse of the monster lurking under my bed that I am hoping I won't meet again over the coming weeks. I do hope that makes sense. I'm so concerned with coming across as selfish as everyone here is so supportive of one another. By the same token, there are some people on here that find hearing of new pregnacies a comfort and can find some hope from hearing that it can all work out in the end, even after repeated bad experiences (I did when I learned of linspins) - but, there are also those who find it painful and may feel their noses are being rubbed in the fact that they are not sharing the same luck at the moment.

I can't go on a normal antenatal thread because I can't share the innocent excitement of 'expecting a baby' - because I don't know what I'm expecting right now! A baby, hopefully, rather than more heartache. Also, I don't want to put the fear of god into those lucky girls who are 'untainted'. I would really welcome somewhere to chat. It's been mentioned by others too that the thread may attract others in our position who may also not feel this is exactly the place for them at this point in their journey. It's great to be able to chat to the others, Katie who is only a couple of weeks ahead of me and Numpty, a little further along but a community would be so helpful to me, and I'm sure several other lost souls.

Meant to say but got sidetracked with my ramblings. Best of luck Bee, I really hope this will be the answer for you this time. You deserve some joy.

Kitty
Happy Birthday to you lovely. Fish restaurant please?
I totally understand you and do not think you are at all selfish, not at all. You are self-protective. You should be, you need to be.
Kittens, do you feel you could start a thread in our topic area for pregnancy post trauma? I think others would join you and you could pop in here to see us for a chat if you desired and vica versa. It is such a personal choice, not right and wrong at all.
You need to ask for what you want I guess, or speak up, or make your voice heard or whatever it is.
Women would most definitely join you. It is good we have this initial thread; it is encouraging women to state what their needs are and this is wonderful. This is what the spirit of the thread was all about. So it is not just a case of the non-pregnant feeling envious or upset about the pregnant ones; also the pregnant do not necessarily want to relive the trauma they have been through.
This all makes perfect sense to me.
But there is little point me starting a thread for pregnant women - since I am not.
Go with it Kittens - sounds like a good thing to me.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I suppose there's nothing to stop a separate thread being formed?

At the moment I'm very grateful for the thread and the very dark times that it helped me through. I feel it's my duty to welcome in any newcomers that are in that same awful, awful place I found myself in last April, and to support in the same way that Bee, Lins, Tree and Justa helped me through.

If you're lurking, please do post, you're not alone.

BK xx

x post Bee. Well put! What I was trying to say, just ever so much more articulately.

I'm afraid of chasing away new people that really need help.

BKx

I agree with that Bezzy. We all do.
It is truly a dark, dark, lonely place and would hate to think of someone navigating it alone.
There is pretty much always one of us 'on' here in any given hour. We would always catch someone quickly if they were falling I think.
Put some more wood on the fire Mrs Bezzy please.

Hello All, I hope you have enjoyed your weekends. It?s taken me a long time to catch up as I have been reading all your posts carefully. Welcome back Peanuthead, it?s good to hear from you again and I think you raise some very valid points indeed.

Each one of us, although tied together by a shared experience, is in a very different situation. Whilst for me the pregnancy stories (and also chat about your other children) really helped give me a sense of hope that I would be a mum one day. For newer members or those who are not ready or able to conceive again then they may very well serve to exclude or alienate.

I would really hate to think of that happening and am very happy to start a separate thread for pregnancy related chat ? I?ve worried before this issue was raised publicly that I might be upsetting some of you and I?m really sorry if that was the case. Perhaps it would make us all more relaxed about everything to separate out the conversations.

Am feeling really rather exhausted today. Like Kittens I had my birthday celebration on Saturday (glad you had a nice time Kittens!) and although it was lovely to catch up with everyone I ended up feeling so burdened. I have not really shared anything of what I have been through over the last 6 months with friends and I sometimes i feel such a need to let go. Instead I keep it all to myself and soon as I?m not able to drink right now I?m avoiding social situations and when I do go I?m hardly the life and soul I used to be. Just hoping people aren?t writing me off.

Hi Katie
I think for the most part, people in social situations like that are so caught up in the moment that they do not notice your angst. Unless they very good friends of course.
You have indeed had a hard time of it my dear, and all very recent too.
If you do start another thread that is more pregnancy related, do come back and see us - especially if you feel the need to share the burden. It is a heavy one isn't it?
Happy belated birthday to you too - you young thing you!
Bee xxxxx

Good luck this afternoon, Bee. In my experience of Harley Street, you will be treated like the princess you are!

And belated birthday wishes to Katie and Kitten, too.

xxxx

Belated birthday wishes to Katie and Kitten.

I can't post the way I want to, rl is a bit mad. House deep-ish clean under way adn mum up to help so can't really sit at computer. Much as I would love to. I want to talk to you all.

Bee. Go well. Eggy lady has her hopefull-so-I'm-sure-it-will-be 8 week scan today. Strange the way life flows with someone for a time. x

Thanks for the birthday wishes ladies, I have kicked off a new thread (thanks for the title Can?t!) ? Let?s at least test it for a while and see how it works out for us all.

Thanks for your note Bee ? I guess sometimes it just feels like I am living a lie and I so want to explain why I?ve been absent or distant but I just can?t. I?m definitely going to keep coming on this thread too as I think I still need the support of both groups. Likewise I hope the cross over works the other way around too, and people come by from time to time and offer advice (as and when they feel comfortable of course).

Re telling people, I think it so depends on the person, the situation etc etc. You aren't living a lie, but there are times and places for sharing the troubled aspects of life, and sometimes people with whom you'd rather NOT share. I have told a couple of people (who didn't know already) in the last month or two, but that was a good 6 months after I lost Iola. However a number of folk had to be told soon after, because unfortunately having got to 12wks I'd told people I was pregnant and I had to update them... this time I've only told my folks, my employer and about 2 other people.

Hello all, good to see you got the thread issue sorted out.

Bee - all the best for the scan today.

Hi Bezzy, good to hear you have aired things with dh.

Thanks for the article Bee which I read and found many parallels there, like the age gap with me and dh and why the decision was left to me. Such a sad story. Fortunately we have a very strong marriage.

Feel so much better today, am not one to engage with 'what-ifs', I have too much to be going on with as it is and despite my regret and sorrow and feeling that I've let someone down (my baby not-to-be) I cannot deny that life is easier for us as a family....

Also been feeling a little uncomfortable for a while about chatting on here about my family.... I have so very much and my loss and reading of others experiences has benefited me too in that I have become terribly grateful and glad for what I have... so what I am saying is that I don't feel I am always justified in moaning when I have so much already. I've not had to struggle to get my family, it was very easy for me so maybe its time for me to move on a bit. I have issues about the termination but I perhaps need to air them somewhere else.

So I shall keep quiet but still pop on and see how you are all getting on.

must go school bus approaching xxxx

Nonsense Eulalia. I know that I value your input and love hearing about your family, and it's the right place to come if you need support about the decisions you've made.

BK x

I agree with Bezzy Eulalia, i like hearing about your family too - please don't go!

Also welcome back Bezzy it's good to see you posting again

Bee - sorry somehow i missed your earlier post, hope the scan goes/went well today and you got some helpful info.

Thanks for setting up the new thread Katie - I will go and have a look in a mo. Glad to hear you had a good birthday too. It's so bloody tricky isn't it and so silly that we feel the need to avoid social situations because of not drinking. I was actually thinking of saying, now that I've got Christmas, NY and birthday done I'm going to give myself a months 'detox' which should just about cover me 'til I know what's what. Might that work for you too?

I'm pleased you set up the thread. Although I was happy to do so I would have been inclined to wait, at least 'til me 8wk scan next week as I'm still slightly paranoid. Mind you, I'm starting to feel rather queasy, everything smells a bit rank today too so fingers crossed that's all a good sign!

Bee - you were right. We went to The Fish Shop on St John St. Lovely. Was difficult watching the neighbouring table tuck into their dozen oysters though .

Eulalia don't go! Especially if you still have issues about the termination - surely that is what this thread is for? Many of us on here have other DCs and they do keep us going, keep us involved with the here and now, so don't feel bad about mentioning them.