support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

I agree, you should be able to talk about your issues when you are ready, nd your family as they are a vital part of who you are. That is why the thread is here Eulalia, but if you are not comfortable you are not - so keep in the loop whatever you decide and drop in when you feel like a hello. It's always lovely to heaer from you.

Rofl at pinnie over a dressing gown. I should do that. Mine has plenty of concrete wheatabix dried onto it. And various cleaning fluid splashes. I always clean in pj's.

Don't know if Bee will pop in tonight, after her trip to Harley Street, Such a shame it is for an emotional thing, if it was to see about an ingrowing toenail a body could really soak up the rare air. I've never seen Harley Street so I have set ideas. I assume it's likt the set of a Sherlock Homes, anything less that a maid in a cap would be a let down.

Numpty - how was telling those people? DId you get an ok reaction? If you don't mind me asking......if you do ignore me.

sending love Bee xxx

Eulalia- Woman! Do not hop off the bus please! I need you here.
Bee x

Hey Bee. x

Hey Bee, hope today went well x

Hi Viv, and all of you
God today went shit actually and have spent the afternoon in tears.
I am so glad you are all here.
I really am.
After my appointment, coincidentally, I had a therapy session. (God I sound like a twat, Harley Street and then therapy, but it is not how it sounds).
After having told her my upset of the afternoon, I just broke down. I just broke down about you guys here.
What a huge thing we have achieved here, how i do not know how in the name of God I would have coped without you, how important you all are. How angry I am that society does not support women in the situation we find ourselves in, how on a dark, wintery night I and many others, find ourselves with frightening diagnoses and nowhere to turn. And for that reason, I need all of you, all of you to stay whenever and for whatever you need to share. I need the honesty, the bravery, the tears, the fears, the virtual hugs, the chit-chat about cardigans, baking, colour schemes, handsoap, door colours, the whole sodding lot. I want to hear if you are pregnant, if you are scared, if you have received good news, bad news, if you have been blessed with the miracle of a baby. I need all of it. Because each tiny bit in isolation splits it into terrifying atoms and I need a whole world of support.
And if I do, so do many others.
Do not leave Eulalia, or Bezzy,or Lins, or Cantdo, or Mishta, or Viv, or Numpty or any of my friends. Tree and Justa - I would never demand you stay, as you have such demanding lives, but I cannot imagine the cottage without you. I don't mean you can not post elsewhere, of course I don't, but right now today, cannot bear that anyone is moving home or being evicted.
Here is me being a demanding princess -if that is what I am.
So the ovaries 'smaller than I would like' says the young scanner. Not many follicles. Probably not going to work, and for all my humour this morning, I am totally bereft.
Still need to see the consultant guy, for hormone levels but, as you all know very well, the scanner's face says it all.
I am sick of scans - this one just had an empty womb on a huge screen staring down at me in some flash Georgian building in Harley Street.
I am sick of it and I am very, very cross and tearful and he is away.
I know I am lucky, I know I have three wonderful children, but I wanted to miracle of love for him and I - for his is the true one.
But life is very much often not fair.

Ooooooh Bee. I can only sob into your lap and that is no use at all.

I don't understand. You had eggs in August. A bit of me says there will be a route, a windy crappy road full of pot holes and no road signs. One that you will get through because you are Bee.

Wait. Wait for the consultant. You must be completely drained.

Here's me trying to decide on birthday presents for dd2. It isn't fair. I feel angry and desperate for all of you at these times. The emotion is so raw isn't it.

Nothing to add Bee. Other than it's shit shit shit. And NOT fair. I'm staring at my laptop thinking of the right thing to type, and I can't.

In my thoughts.

BK xx

Oh Bee - not the outcome that any of us were expecting or hoping for, for you. I'm with Tree on this, the full picture - hold out for it. And when you have it, whatever it may be, you can work on where to go and what to do next. But for now, you must be exhausted, so just do what works for you. I really understand. Much love xxxx

oh Bee .

I think Tree is right: wait. It is the hardest thing, but wait until you see the consultant. You have had eggs, even recently. You only need a few eggs, surely. Perhaps your ovaries are smaller than the ones you would have had 10 years ago, but as long as there is some hope, there is some hope. If the scanner says 'probably not', on the other side of that equation sits a little 'might'.

It might work.

Keep hoping for a while yet, as much as you dare. We'll be here for you if you need to shout and rage and whimper.

Stormy weather hits our little cottage. We have to just wait this out Bee. Await the full facts then deal with it.

How is LM? What is his take?

Oh Bee, Bee, Bee. I've emailed you. I wish I could say something that would help. I can only echo the others (suggesting you wait) but I understand the finality of the horrible scan and why you feel it's all over. But the others are right - you've conceived easily three times, yes it's gone wrong but you HAVE conceived. So... it cant be all over, surely...

I wish I could say more, but all I can do is reiterate that I am here, whatever happens, as you have been for me.

And thread splitting seems a pointless topic in the face of this.

Take care, Bee, we are all rooting for you. xx

Thank you handmaidens
What is so funny is how familiar this feels.. the fear, the hope, the disappointment, the confusion. This feeling I have now; wishing had tried earlier, remembering the lost ones, lack of surety that did the right thing,, hurting; it all feels expected now.
It is almost as if i would not know how to deal with a positive outcome anymore.
Thank you for asking about my dear man. He is up a mountain with friends, his annual treat for having such tough job, and he is sad. As he says, in the long term, possibly sadder for him.
In the end, I cannot fight my body can I?
The associations are so painful - the thinking about being pregnant, the wondering if can be, the thought of what pregnancy might mean, it is all wracked with terror.
Shangrila- honey - I so imagine your fear now. I so imagine it. It must seem inconceivable that things may go okay for you. They will, but how can you fit that into your existing frame of reference? Same for all of you.
Re the whole eggs thing. God, I have no idea at all what it is all about. I just do not. My mum had an early menopause; but as you say I have had three pregnancies in the last year or so. So have I just run out? Are the next three months my very last, ever ovulations?
I will be okay; is another step, another part of the journey. But am trying to adjust myself to no baby. A little tiny bit of hope is necessary; like weaning oneself off alcohol or caffeine. But too much is not helpful.
Am working tomorrow - big venue, 49 participants. Got to shake self into work mode.
Thank you for being there- thank you for caring.
B x

I hope you can get your work head on Bee. It might provide some rest for you.

My sympathies to you LM. It is hard.

Weary soul. Much love. x.

I am receiving the love with much love back.x

Bee, have only just been able to log on and only from rubbish phone. Trying to read, but can't take in what reading. Can only add my love and hugs to the others on here. Good luck tomorrow in your busy work day. Will be sending you strength. This cannot be whole story, they must have to look further. Thinking of you. And all threaders, have enjoyed recent debates, thoughts and postings. . .love bg xx

Hi everyone,
Bee, like the others, I'm at a loss for words, and can only agree to wait until you have the whole picture. Waiting is horrible - seems we're always waiting for something. I will be sticking around (though don't seem to offer much in way of support), hope Eulalia and the rest do too, to the extent we're all comfortable with. Hope you don't think I'm nosy or weird, but I have looked up and been reading your original thread. Since joining the thread, which was quite a bit after many of you, have felt a need to know you all better, and understand where you have come from. Have read some lovely things. Hope you don't mind. One day, when I figure out how, will post link to thread I participated in when I found out/was deciding what to do (not saying you'd be interested, but anyway). It was an American site, and only participated for few pages, cause once I made decision to end pg, felt it wasn't the place to be. Have since looked back at the thread, and was glad to have left when I did. Sort of turned into debate at the end. Been meaning to email one lady though; she was preg with twins, one had tri18, she wanted to terminate, bit was too risky for other healthy twin. She put up a postscript following the births, to share her experience. Heartbreaking but lovely story.

I had an embarrassing public meltdown yesterday in pharmacy (funny Bezzy, that you should mention me 'melting down here' - and yes it is very hot too). Have been having no end of trouble trying to get my hands on breathing monitor. The ones they sell are not the ones I am familiar/ confident with. SIDS org no longer loan them out, my hospital have them, but don't loan them. Pharmacy has been trying, unsuccessfully, for past 3 weeks to get one for me. When the pharmicist explained yesterday that she was still no closer to finding one, I just broke down. In front of a whole lot of customers andy daughters, who were looking at me wide-eyed; a mixture of concern and horror I think. Everyone was looking, but just couldn't stop. Ended up snapping at my girls "stop staring at me" when really it was meant for others. Eventually slunk out of shop, still crying. Told girls I would take them to maccas (to make up for embarrassing them). On way there, got pulled over for random breath test. Think officer regretted it once he saw my puffy read eyes, still streaming with tears. He was very apologetic and kept asking if there was anything he could do for me. Besides counting to five for the breath test, I couldn't speak. Wonder what
he thought had happened? Actually don't even know myself - have never done that before. I think it may have been a combination of the fear of going home from hospital without a monitor, going for a ctg the day before for decreased movements ( all okay though) and dh leaving for work, 8 1/2 hours drive away, that morning( he won't be back til the day I go into hospital). Anyway, all good now, just embarrassed, and scared of doing the same thing again. 13y dd later asked "has the baby got SIDS?". So I had some explaining to do to my poor, confused girls.

I'm sorry to have gone on about myself, yet again. Feel like you are the only ones that would understand my bizarre behaviour.

Will pop over to other thread and say hello. Thinking of you all, will be in touch soon xxxx

Hi Mishta, you poor thing, it sounds like you've had a horrendous day :-( When my DS came out of SCBU I also found it terrifying bringing him home after he'd been on monitors in the hospital since birth, I bought one of these and found it brilliant and very reassuring

www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000HPPRMY/ref=ox_ya_oh_product

We had a couple of false alarms but generally until our DS was about 8 months old we used it every night and every time he went to sleep. Once he got to 8 months though he moved about too much in his cot bed so we were getting up 4 or 5 times a night to reset it as it kept going off.

Hope you have a better day today

Bee so sorry to hear about the scan. Like some others have said though please don't give up hope, three pregnacies recently say's a lot and i for one am still very hopeful for you.

Mishta also sorry you had such a sh*tty day yesterday. I did not know you lost a daughter for SIDS, i can't even begin to imagine the pain you must have been though. Really hope you manage to track down a monitor soon xxx

Bee love, sorry to hear of the dispair you've been left feeling after your Harley St visit. Like the others say, don't loose hope. If you can bear to put yourself through it again you can still try naturally. You've had pretty much the same experiences as me but in reverse (ie. the miscarriage as the most recent loss where mine was the first) - like me, they told you that there were no karotype problems for TS21 and that it was shitty bad luck so I'd say there's still hope that it can work out for you.

Mishta, gosh, poor you. You must've been so overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm sure the feeling of needing to do whatever you can to prevent any harm coming to your little one is so enourmous after what you've been through. Coming up against brick walls is so not what you need in this situation.

Big Hugs to both of you.

Hello everyone.

Poor Mishta. I'm so sorry you had a stormy day. Are you looking for the ticker type, that have a little sensor on the bubba? I hadn't realised/computed you had suffered SIDS in the family either. I'm so sorry Mishta.

I'm really pleased your CTG was reassuring.

Bee - hope the busy day is a comfort of some sort, and that you are able to get through it.

Hey MrsBG. Great to hear from you.

Hello all. xx

Mishta - hugs and I am not suprised at your meltdown with all on your plate. I hope you feel better now for letting it all out and your girls are treating you kindly.

Bee - So sorry to hear yesterday was so utterly disappointing. I am sure there is more to it than a scan can show and a sonographer is not a trained person to really comment accurately on your fertility. When will you see the consultant?

Thanks for the lovely comments from you all and I didn't mean it to sound like I was flouncing off or anything... and indeed Bee if you need me here then of course I'll be here!... I guess from a purely selfish point of view this thread may be running its course for me. I have my family and if I wanted any more children, which I don't I am sure my fertility is very low. So there will be no discussion or sharing of trying again and as the termination moves further away is there any point in me dwelling on it? Is it going to help me heal? I said I had issues but I think a few counselling sessions to thrash it all out is best. Also I seem to struggle to find time to keep up here because of demands of said family.

But that is purely selfish and if I thought my contributions were valuable and just being here to listen helps then of course I will stick around. Am just not as articulate as some.

Bee - I totally agree with you about the lack of support which I mentioned before as a big issue for me too. To give you an example of the stupid funding of our NHS my 4 year old was referred to speech and language therapy in Nov. This was done on the basis of a 1 minute discussion with the health visitor when he was getting his MMR booster. She asked if I had any concerns about his speech, I said he had some odd word constructions (sort of talking backwards but was over that now) and has a lisp. she got him to say 2 words then said he must get therapy as he would be teased when he starts school. I am actually going to cancel the sessions as he is getting better and doesn't need them! SALTs get paid a huge sum of money and a lot of them are giving therpy to kids who don't need it and there are other areas of the NHS that need the money more. Like having a midwife/counsellor specially trained in dealing with antenatal choices, instead of which you get whoever is on their shift at the time and a couple of flimsy leaflets shoved at you served with weak cups of tea.

Rant over.

I must go and put some more sand on my drive before the postie kills himself. Its raining on top of sheets of ice. Lovely.

Be back to check on you all soon. xxxx

Quick one from me as I'm having a trés busy day involving a trés demanding journalist, but I wanted to send my love to you, Bee and to you, Mishta. I'm so sorry you both had such miserable days yesterday. Will pop back on later when I have more time, but please take care of yourselves. I do worry. xxx

Wow Viv that sounds quite glam. Are the pesky paps after you again?

I Eulalia, I'm glad you are in a more comfortable place and feeling the wounds heal over. It's good to move forward, and lovely of you to want to support others as they edge onwards too.

Love to Justa. Hope your doing ok Mrs.