support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Thank you. My friends and family have been amazing throughout everything, but I don't feel like I can speak to them about trying again as so many of them have told me to take some time out - as though they are authorities on the subject. I know they mean well and are worried about me, but I know they would think DH and I are just doing it to fill a hole, as it were. (They might be right, but it should be up to us to embark on that journey together, right?)

A couple of them have even made jokes about how I'm not to let DH near me for at least six months as both pregnancies happened on the first attempt of trying (PG1 wasn't planned but happened within two weeks of me coming off the pill, and Gracie was the first attempt of trying after the miscarriage) - comments like, "clearly you only have to LOOK at DH to get pregnant" don't really help!

Gah - I suppose it would be prudent to wait for the results of our blood tests, just in case there is an issue. But they don't need to know that...

Lots has happened since I came here last! Fleeting visit as am working... technically anyway... but:

Bee - fantastic that you're going to give the new form of IVF a try. You can be our thread guinea pig. I say that lightly, but I am really happy that you have this chance to try again. And can I say how brave you are to go for it. You're an inspiration.

Katie, wow!!! Congratulations, what a lovely surprise and lovely to have a break away too. Wedding details please?! We need positive things on our thread.

Viv, so glad you got through yesterday and the reverend was thoughtful. I found the service did help in a way. And about trying again. I have been pregnant four times now, all four times at first attempt (though not on the pill!). After my first loss (pregnancy 2 - already had DD), I waited three months, more because I wanted to enjoy Christmas and just take time out than anything else, but also was awaiting results like you. After the second loss I waited one month to regulate cycle and got pregnant again and am now 21 weeks. I have to say about waiting - if you feel waiting would make you relaxed about the whole thing, if you feel you want/need to wait, wait. If however the waiting period would just be additional stress-time worrying about trying again, then it's pointless to wait long. This month however - would be good to be able to drink over Christmas, so that's as good a reason as any to wait... My MIL told me we should wait 6 months each time and said it was because I hadnt waited 6 months that the second loss happened - GRRRRRRRRR. Medical advice seems to be there's no reason for waiting, other than needing space/time if you do or your DH does. I'm certainly not an expert on this though. I've just been through it...

Bez, come back and report shopping finds! And Tree, I like your name. Justa... JustaboutreadyfornewbabyforChristmas? what a mouthful...

Oooh Christmas is getting closer. I am a bit of a neurotic stressbucket at the mo (anterior placenta, baby movements always muffled, general paranoia). I have prescribed myself ginger wine (nonalcoholic sort), novels and chocolate. Sound good, resident experts?

Golly guys - quel busy day on the thread!
How lovely to come home and read the recent installments from Thread Central.
I hear mostly some pre-Christmas hysteria from you all! Argggggg! What we need girls is sherry, chocolate, roaring fire, weepy movie and NO RELATIVES.

Dear Viv - I think pretty much all of us can identify with the crazed, obsessional urge to make another pregnancy. Really we can. Nothing to stop you starting whenever you wish I would say - allow yourself maybe til January for wine and booze and sherry and more booze and a break from the restrictions of pregnancy. Take the folic acid anyway.
Also I suspect many of us have had grief issues once pregnant for the last lost baby. This is hard to manage at the best of times, let alone when a pregnant snivelling wreck.
No one on this planet should ever mock you - I suspect people have the supposedly humorous approach because they do not know what to say. They are, i imagine, trying to say 'look, you are good at getting pregnant'. But what they do not say is, 'God you have been through hell; it is so very shit and I am sorry and I am here for you if you need to weep'. How can they know? How can they?
Your service for Gracie sounds delicately handled by a kind soul - am pleased for you and new husband.

Treetops- darling sorry you have a sick bay at your gaff. And no tree up yet. But neither have I , nor have I sent a single card, nor do I have many presents bought. The decorator is still residing in my sitting room too. Someone tell him to go home.

Bezz - you truly are our thread Nigella hun; wish I was popping around this eve for glass of something Christmassy. Anything really.

Have three more days of work to go.
Re the IVF thing - hold your horses Cando! Have not decided to go for it at all, was an information finding mission. Need to explore the immense issues associated with it, more potential trauma and a fat load of money down the swanny. But thank you for your supportive words - feel somewhat detached. Feel like saying 'yeah, yeah yeah, Mr Doctor Man, we all know that I will not be able to make a baby'.
Cynical hard edge here for bit.
Will not last long - it is a defense against more pain. Love to you. And all of you.

You know what Bee - you are psychic. As I came home tonight I was thinking - DID Bee say she would definitely go for this IVF or not? And also my mood shifted - this afternoon in my silly head IVF and its ramifications sounded like a magic solution. Then as I came home, I thought, but IVF is tough. It's physically and emotionally tough. It's far from being a simple solution.

I guess you need to think carefully before you dive in. You don't need me glibly telling you it's a perfect solution. What I do think though is that you are right to think about it and go for it if it feels right.

God there are no easy solutions for us lot, are there?

But at least we have humour and wit on our side. And each other.

And cashmere socks. Don't forget the cashmere.

VivC - I am really thankfull you had a kind soul help you to say goodbye to Gracie. Thank you for telling us about it. If you need to talk about it, go right ahead.

Sadly I have no cashmere socks. If Santa is reading, cashmere socks PLEASE!

I love you guys.
Just need to write one wee paragraph and you just get it. Thank you Justa and Cando. Rocky road if indeed I can face getting out my hiking boots, squaring up and marching on. May limp along on my safe and secure, familiar road of sadness but also living life with my children and LM.
You are right though Justa - I do not have problems conceiving. What would happen is I would have blood tests and ovary scans to see if I am ripe enough to make it worthwhile going ahead. They may so no.
This would be okay. Easier really.
Cantdo - did not think you were being glib - think you were being a friend - supportive, enthusiastic, pleased that there maybe is hope.
Re cashmere socks - have some. Can I just say that they just end up having bits of toast and yogurt and dust and yuckiness like every other pair of socks? Best to have a cashmere wrap! Now I do not have one of those......
Really wish could meet up with you all - imagine it in a Richard Curtis movie type way. A bit like Calendar Girls too! Ahhhh -would love to cuddle you all. Real tight.
Am moved that you have responded so thoughtfully and gently.
Viv- hope you hanging in there honey.

Hi Bee - think we DO get it. After my first loss, I said if I had another I would give up. But I just couldnt. Even though it all needs balancing with being sane and together for kids and family - and that is tough.

Justa is so right - neither option is right, or easy. I think though that this option sounds as though it will involve lots of little steps. Maybe easier to think in terms of the little steps.... anyway we are here for you. As you have been for us.

I am imagining Bezzy, a la Kirstie, making her own Christmas stocking as I type...

I think you may all be sadly mistaken as to my domestic godliness.....have not a creative bone in body...and must admit am getting a little bored of sitting and doing Christmassy craft with the mini one. Sometimes feel the mess just isn't worth it, for 2 mins of distraction!

Shopping was OK yesterday, kids were BAD. Went with the cousin and a friend that has little girl same age as minibez. Well the kids normally love each other, but fought and bickered, and even wrestled on the floor in middle of mall.

Did buy self nice grey jumper from Polo though. So, in summary, Christmas shopping still incomplete. Eeek.

Bee, am in awe of you. You're amazing. A pillar of strength and an inspiration to us all. Think I've decided that if next baby doesn't work out, we're going to call it a day. I can't spend any more of my lovely girls life being preoccupied with baby making.

And dear Christmas Tree. Your family are SO SO SO beautiful, and your kitchen is what I dream of...

Love to all
BK x

Hello all, been trying to catch up, on laptop and its set up with posts in pages, tried to go back one page and ended up reading some stuff from October! Hmmm so apologies if I am not up to date.. been offline for a bit, horrible cold which was worst at hte weekend coupled with PMT and SAD, I was very grumpy! Period was late this month too and I got a bit of a scare. Calm now and getting organised, (not) for Christmas.

dd is so sweet, she's wrapped up tiny Christmas gifts for her toy monkey, mostly things lying around, coins, hairclips etc, although some of them are 'secret' from me. Can I just say that a 7 1/2 year old girl is such a lovely age, she's still so innocent yet keen to learn and able to amuse herself. She's quite happy to sit and read, draw or write up notes in her many notebooks on her projects (nature and geography being her favourte), complete with cute wonky, mis-spelt writing. Santa even has a thank you note prepared. OK indulgent witter about dd over....

Some hope for you Bee, you sound much calmer and clearer about things. I really think you could write a book about your experiences. Maybe some day when this time has passed. Any more trips planned over Christmas?

Ok will attempt to catch up on everyone else. xxxxx

Eulalia - she sounds lovely. Really lovely. at wrapping random things, mine does that!

Hopefully you are feeling better after a tough few weeks?

Bezzy - my kitchen. My kitchen. That place downstairs with yellow biohazard warnings and men in white suits shaking their heads at the debris on the floor?

Bezzy gets prize for thread babe Having seen, er, 2 thred members, I think I can safetly say bezzy is best babe . How old is dd bezzy [should know, but just had in head argument with mil so head up my backside]. She is tall no?

Agree, Bee you have a book in you.

Just read up on your posts Vic. Welcome to the thread (cozy cottage) and thank you for sharing the short life of your dear baby with us. I love the name Gracie. I wish you all the best for a new baby next year.

CONGRATULATIONS! Katie, ah how lovely dh never did the big proposal thing, in fact don't even have sparkly ring, I opted for expensive Raymond Weil watch instead.

I want to see your photos Tree (stamps foot) but I don't use Facebook, yes really, I don't have enough friends or an interesting enough life couldn't you put one or two on your profile, please?

Want to talk to you all but have to do nursery run, so much hugs and bye for now xxx

Emotionally, I feel ready and I know that DH does too, although he has tempered his desire to try again with admissions that he's very conscious about whether my body is physically ready to go through it all again. (I've just had my first AF post-termination, so theoretically, there's no reason why we couldn't - unless, of course, there is an issue with the pair of us)

I guess I'm quite analytical and I've been repeatedly asking myself whether it's a case of wanting to fill the void - and to an extent, I'm sure it is. But that void is going to be there whether I wait one month or one year, so what Justa says about any delay just prolonging the agony is bang on.

Meanwhile, we're a month away from the due date of our first baby, and I keep remembering that had things worked out, I'd be just about to go on maternity leave. Which doesn't help when you've got an Evilboss (TM) breathing down your next asking for plans for the first quarter of next year. Sigh. Pass me the gin while you can...

I still maintain that BG's torso is the thread hottie!

oh and in answer to your question Tree. Mini Bez will be 3 on 5 March. I think she's tall, she's taller than most of her friends. Which is surprising, as her diet consists of biscuits, sweets and the occasional fish finger. Not through lack of trying on my behalf!

Viv, the anticipation of the due date is horrible - in fact the reality is much less horrible, when it comes around. But to some extent I think trying again is about filling a void, whenever you do it - not just the void of the lost baby but the void of a future that you were robbed of. No new baby could replace the lost one(s), but it will bring so much in its own right, and a new future. Speaking at 21 weeks pregnant with 2 losses in the last year, I can say that being pregnant again doesnt take the losses away, or in fact make them any less painful - in a way I feel the pain of what couldnt happen then more as I reach new milestones with this baby - what it does do though is take me in a new direction of hope.

Gin is a great temporary fixer, I agree. And wine. And stinky cheese, and anything else banned by the government for pregnant women!

Oh - and the toddler eating thing - I have a food-resisting child too. She eats at nursery but is incredibly picky at home, except where cake, cheese puffs, and biscuits are concerned. Luckily she does eat fruit, a lot of it, but rarely does a vegetable pass her lips (and never knowingly). Oh and she hates sausages and fishfingers. Loves chips, though...

Hi everyone...

I have just found you, and I really don't want to intrude but I really have nobody I can talk to and feel I need to just write this down.

I am having my first termination on Wednesday the 16th. To be honest, that is the closest I have gotten to even saying it.

I am terrified, sad, angry, and all in all 'lost'.

I can't find any more words right now, so thank you for reading and being there as I really needed to put this down. Thank you.

Oh emmabe, welcome here and hope you find some help. Well, I know you will. You can lurk and read or tell us more, or just join in our [very] random chat. You sound like you are aching with sadness.

people here have found the idea of a group of shadowy women stood behind you, as you go to these awful places to have these hard thigs done, comforting. We even talk about being sat outside the hospital, sat on a bench, just watching you go in and come out. A comforting group, with a wave and a nod if you need one.

VivC - it is also the time of year for thinking of new things isn't it. Few of us can negotiate the turning year without needing a plan of some sort. I can totally understand.