support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Gracie is a beautiful name.

Sorry not to add that above.

I agree- Gracie is a very beautiful name indeed. You have made a hard decision. The right one for you too.
Be kind to yourself; there will be gentler times ahead for you and your husband. You have each other and you will make a family one day.
Thinking of you tomorrow and all who have had to carry this weight.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello Viv,

You are certainly not alone in all this.

I can relate closely to your story and I understand the great sadness of having the happy occasion of your wedding plus the trauma of this event so intertwined and all mixed up.

We had to terminate a much wanted baby, after diagnosis of a rare chromosomal abnormality, and the only date they could give us was on our wedding day. I remember, too, telling all the nurses about it, just speaking aloud the absurd coincidence seemed to help. The crazy thing was, the op was almost to the minute of my wedding hair appt booking. It was such a shock and very dramatic and traumatic and so, so sad.

But, with the support and love of family and friends (many, many on here, I have to say, because loads of people didn't even know about my pregnancy in real life) we were able to slowly get better from it all and gain some strength back. We got married just a few weeks ago and although it has been a long, blurry summer, we are experiencing the 'gentler times' that Bee talks of.

Please feel that you can come here and share whatever you are going through, whatever you are feeling, even if you think it's crazy. It is an up and down journey, as Justa says.

We have all been on similar journeys and I know for me, I found (still do) the friendship, caring and advice that I found here invaluable for dealing with the turbulent feelings and deep sadness.

Much love to you for tomorrow. Take each day, each hour as a little hurdle and I promise you, you will cope with the pain of it all and re-gain your strength. For now, though, it is raw and recent, so don't expect too much of yourself.

I'll be thinking of you and Gracie tomorrow...and your DH, of course. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your family.

BG xxxxx

Hi Bee, Nice to have you back. Glad you got some sun. Now, you see why I want to go back to the Mediterranean - I'm so homesick..and sunsick...

HI BG
Golly yes - it warms the spirits, truly it does. Nothing feels so bleak, so hard when the sun shines down.
Back here today, a horizontal rain.
Me may well join you in sunnier climes honey.
Night to you all
x

Thinking of you today, Viv.

Bee, Mrs BG, I WANT TO GO TO THE SUN TOO! I have horrible cough, sore throat and cold and am feeling sorry for myself. Was booked in for the swine flu jab today (which I was already anxious about) and have cancelled due to feeling crap already. Things feel ligher on the Med, don't they? And heavier in the British winter, with the drizzle and murkiness. Though I do find that the Christmas lights warm things up a bit.

Bee - I sense that Barcelona was a good thing for you, spending time with your son, just being yourself. I can feel the gentler times coming from you. And from Mrs BG. And that is good.

Do you ever feel removed from what happened to you? Sometimes I feel I dreamt it all. And other times it is still very real.

Justa, hope you're doing okay. And Tree, poor you and yours! glad the little stair-climber has resisted though.

OK, off to dose my throat with a hot drink.

Dear All

A quick check in, and very warm hello to Viv Cliq (love the name - a beverage v close to my heart!) So sorry you've had to join us, but as everyone else has said, a wonderful place to get the support from people that, well, understand. Nobody in real life can even begin to relive the horrors that we've been through. (although I have realised that a lot of my friends try to understand and are very sympathetic) Terminating a VERY wanted baby is a choice that nobody should have to make.

I'm swamped. After VERY short notice (found out on Friday), Capt C's cousin arrived on Saturday from SA. I was NOT happy as we were meant to be visiting my brother and his kids (near Manchester) as they're away for Christmas. Capt C had to stay behind and wait for her, while I did the drive on my own. Not fun with irritated toddler. But, thanks to an in car DVD player and a happy meal the car trip was bearable.

Brief whinge about cousin - ARGH. She 'doesn't want to impose' so didn't like to ask for a glass of water (even though I told her to help herself to anything) so kid wasn't drinking unless I offered. GGRR. She's sweet enough, but appears to be 18 going on 12. Has never caught a bus before. Her parents have sent her here to learn to be independent. Oh boy, not sure it's going to teach her anything if she's living with family. Anyway, I think she's planning on getting the bus into the city today....Here's hoping she doesn't end up in Wales or somewhere! Shangrila I may be calling on you to form a search party!

Anyway, enough moaning.

You sound a lot better Bee, warmth is so good for the soul. I agree with what you say Can't about everything seeming like a dream. Every now and again I allow myself to consider thinking about 'trying again' and I even feel a pang of excitement thinking about it. And then it comes crashing down, when I remember that there's nothing to look forward to other than incessant worrying and stress, and more potential heartbreak.

Oh and Viv, I too have results gone AWOL with the NHS. I had a recent miscarriage after terminating a T21 pregnancy in April. Surgeon performing D&C after miscarriage offered to send remains away for testing to see the reason for mc, but now almost 9 weeks later, nothing. Apparently, no record of anything having been sent. I've come to terms that we won't find out, I suppose we'll get a letter confirming what happened at an inopportune time, just to pick the metaphorical scab yet again.

Much love to everyone, I think about you all the time, even though I don't seem to get much chance to write anymore.

Anybody else looking forward to closing the door on 2009?

BK x

Hello Ladies,

Hope you had good weekends. Bee Barcelona sounds glorious ? one or my favourite cities, very glad you enjoyed your trip. Bezzy the cousin sounds a bit of a nightmare, I remember being a bit like that as a kid and being really scared of babysitters, I would be too scared to go to the toilet in my own house! Thats was when I was about 12 though like you said ? not 18!!

Viv, welcome, I?ve not checked in on the thread for a few days but I really hope today goes ok and you manage to say a special goodbye to Gracie, as the others have said it?s a lovely name. I found myself in a very similar situation to yourself after a NT scan revealed a 7.7mm measurement, I had a CVS there and then and the diagnosis turned out to be turners. I?m not sure if it helps but my consultant told me they were pretty sure it was turners from the scan alone as it tends to have such a big fold, apparently downs in comparison tends to be much lower (correct me if I?m wrong here anyone!) I hope they manage to locate your records too, it must be hard not having the answers.

I have a little news myself (I really hope I don?t offend anyone by posting this, I don?t want to detract from any of the heartache on the thread but I think perhaps a little light can help) - So anyway OH whisked me away on a surprise weekend to Tallinn to celebrate our 4 year anniversary, I had no idea where I was going until we checked in! On Friday night as we were walking back to our hotel after dinner he proposed to me under the Christmas tree in the main square. I said yes and am a very happy girl with a sparkly diamond ring . It?s been a crappy year for us but like Bezzy I look forward to closing the door on 2009, 2010 will be much brighter I?m sure.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice on TTC ? shagathon seems the way forwards then. Cycles still all out of whack though (day 44 today!) so I think I may kill OH in the process LOL.

MrsBG ? been thinking of moving to Brighton for about the past 3 years. Currently in the big smog but would love to be closer to family and friends and the sea! I?m really hoping we make it a reality next year though so will keep you updated.

Love to everyone, especially the ladies with the bumps (look forward to hearing about the flurry of new arrivals soon!)

Katie xxxxx

Whey hey Katiecubs! Fabulous news and so lovely to be whisked away on a surprise break! Soooooo jealous!

Congratulations bezzy!!! Wow!!

Thinking of you VivC [I spelt your name wrong before sorry ].

Well that brought a tear to my eye dear Katiecubs. A sparkley diamond is a special thing. And he did it in such a way! What a gentleman; he obviously adores you.

Anyone want to know about pre- genetic diagnosis type stuff?
Have just been to Harley Street. Surreal. Yes Cando I very much feel that sometimes it happened to someone else, on a movie, I can see it, but it cannot have been me, because if it was how come I am still here and writing and okay? There seems to be a defense, thank god I suppose, a layer of disbelief that protects us from the full realisation of the horror. And other times I remember a glance the nurse gave me, the mood, a word, or the tears.
So - this latest episode leads to the following new information. I can have an IVF cycle, the eggs can be examined pre-fertilisation. Eggs are fertilised. Results come back. Healthy ones, if they are any and I am under no illusions that there may be, are implanted.
Sounds so simple and scientific and clinical. But boy. Tests required to see if my ovaries are up to the job, to test hormone level. More scans and poking around. Then the drugs. The waiting. The potential disappointment of no eggs, or no healthy eggs, or implantation but miscarriage, or heaven forbid, developmental abnormalities identified at 12, 20 weeks.
And much money.
How on earth did I get here?
What on earth brought us all here really?
Very much not sure.
But I am such a hard working girl.
I do not give up easily.
And I maybe need to know that all avenues have been persued before I throw in the towel.

Tree - how are your egglets doing honey?
Do we know anything yet?
Have had two large glasses of wine - apparently good for fertilty. Ha.
Off for a soak dear ones.

And again to Katie - WOOOOO HOOOOO!

Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brought a happy tear to my eye too. Congratulations Katiecubs :-) Such a lovely way to propose. What a lovely man. If you want to talk wedding preparations, let me know ;-) and if you want to talk places to live in Brighton too!

Bezz, oooh, your new visitor doesn't sound good for your peace of mind...maybe you need to bond over a bottle of wine or something, break the ice, so she can start getting her own flipping glasses of water. At least you've got your Christmas shopping and cards out of the way already, haven't you? I was feeling very jealous about that when I was thinking about all of the lovely threaders today on the train. Very miserable - weather-wise and mood-wise - journey to and from work today...thinking about you lot keeps me sane.

Bee, glad you went to find out all about the options for IVF. It's a scary path, but it's a new path, with new endings. I'm interested to hear more about it. Do you know anyone who has been through it?

Got to dash, night everyone. xxxx

P.S. Viv, hope you are ok.

Oh Gawwwwd - Katie!!! In my defense haven't eaten since Sunday. That was a bowl of soup, which isn't real food so Saturday really. Sorry

Congratulations Katie!!!

Bee. I wondered if this would be the way forward for you. A new chapter. Maybe you can take a tentative look through this bit of the book and see if you like the look of the pictures. Maybe if your ovaries look good, and the incredible positive thing you have to hold on to with both hands is how you two lovely people have been able to conceive.

How odd that we meet here, and I am involved in something vaugely similar. We hear news probably a week on thursday. Looooooong wait. That will still be such early days, I have no idea when we 3 get to breathe out.

[Have been an eggdonor VivC, for some friends who needed some help]

Please do excuse my various errors and lack of attention here ladies, I am soooo distracted. Worried about dd1 and how miserable she is at school, money [am £500 overdrawn and have to do Christmas and till Feb on, how does that work?]. Yet I realise how blessed I am to have these worries. What a priviledge. So will slap self and get over my self too.

Oh Tree - but money worries are so pre-occupying and upsetting. When my husband left, children were 2 and 5 and 10, he left me with a sizeable debt - I have told you about it. I was frozen with panic and despair.
In the end, things righted themselves but it does not take away the fear and envy and horribleness.
Your girls are young bunnies - do not need masses of Christmas pressies - can you recycle a little? Wish I could spoil you with gifts and lovely things.
Why is DD1 unhappy honey? Do tell me - here or elswhere- I am our resident thread education guru.

Bezzy - am impressed with the amount of guess you have. My patience would run dry too.

Katiecublette - AM so pleased for you. All you Need is Love.

Viv - am sending you thoughts and strength.

Mrs BG - twas indeed a truly miserable day indeed was it not? Must get the tree up, make mulled wine and listen to carols soon. (Suspect our Bezz has been at it for a while)
kisses
Bumble Bee xxx

God I meant GUESTS Bezzy. As I get older I find I spelll badlee. Hav allwais bean a good spelir. Onest.

Hey Bee - thanks you honey. Our 9ft beauty of a tree is dumped in the kitchen. It arrived Sunday but no one has the energy to do anything with it!! We will be better tomorow. For sure.

On dd1, she is 5, and started school in Sept. She is miserable. She thinks it is ok, but too long and she misses mummy and dd2.
She really took a pounding when dd2 arrived in Jan. I tried so hard, and had so many wonderful plans in place to make it lovely for her - but then dd2 had this milk protein allergy and screamed till June. DD1 has been an amazing star over this. She really has. No animosity, only occasional murmours about missing me.
So that is the back ground. I think school has been an independance she wasn't ready for, and she is so articulate and wise, she know it and can tell us about it. What do I do? Factor into that the likelihood that I will work 8 till 8 on her precious weekends at least every 3 weeks and nights one, so not there for half her weekends, and I cry in anticipation of the misery this will bring.

Argh!!

Some ercent pics of dd's are available on fb, if anyone wants a nosey CAT me for my facebook address

i to am gud spellir Bee, but kwik typin makes me sloppee.

Yes, am saint with number of guests we have. We too are hosting Christmas this year too. But that's with my family, so OK

On positive side, I think we've had all the guests from SA that we could possibly have this year, so hopefully next year will be year off...unless we do magically have healthy baby, and then they'll all be back again....eek....that's motivation not to have more kids....

Tree, so sorry that you're all ill and that DD1 is struggling with school, I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be on you. I dread that sort of thing happening here. Am v jealous of your 9ft tree though, pictures please! I'd love a real tree, but Capt C is horribly asthmatic and any kind of foliage like that sets him off.

Tried CATTING you tree to get your FB info, but MN told me that nobody called treedelivery exists?! Will try again later, or maybe you could CAT me?

We're off shopping today, to attempt to finish the Christmas shopping. Just a few things to get for the Capt, and I suppose I'd better get the cousin something. Bee - I do still need to write my Christmas cards in fact....have a couple to send overseas too, suspect they won't get there in time. Tut tut.

Anybody see Kirstie's homemade christmas last night? It really got me into the festive mood.

How are you today Viv? Did yesterday pass ok?

Much love all

BK xx

HI bezzy - how very dare they. Am royalty [deluded smiley] try my new Christmas name

Enjoy Christmas Shopping. Next year I absolutely will have the money to do some [we only spend £100-£150 ffs] and it will be a pleasure rather than a scrabble for discount codes and cheaper items. I will I will I will.
Have you got all my Chrsitmas spirit bezzy??? narrows eyes at bezzy Am such a misery. What the hell have I to grump over.

Sun shining, buying the toys now online, then will enjoy a bonus day with the whole family, as dd1 and dh still off sick. Might do foot prints for cheap but thoughtful Christmas pressis

Change name to StBezzyoftheChristmasTable But check with Justa that God won't mind first Whre is Justa? Another nights B&B in the local maternity unit? Hope not Justa, and you are just in a mince pie baking frenzy. x

Hiya everyone x

Yesterday was as lovely as it possibly could be - the sun shone and the service was really moving, and although lots of tears were shed, I'm really glad we got the opportunity to say goodbye.

The reverend was brilliant - we were speaking to him before the service and he asked whether Gracie was our first baby. When we explained that we had lost another baby earlier in the year, he asked whether we'd had a funeral for that baby too - when we said no, as the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, he told us that he probably held the monthly service at the crematorium for that baby too, and so during Gracie's service, he took great care to talk about both babies, which I thought was very thoughtful of him.

I've also had a call from the hospital this morning - they still don't know what happened to the placenta tissue as the midwife who was with me when I delivered Gracie swears blind she sent it to the lab. As a result, they've offered to bring me and DH in for blood tests to see if there's an issue with us, which I know is unusual as Gracie was only my second pregnancy.

Our thoughts are already turning to trying again but I'm conscious that most people will probably think we're mad and that we should take some time to take stock of everything we've been through. Think we will probably get through Christmas (which I am, quite frankly, shitting myself about as we haven't given it a second's thought so far! I really need to get my ass into gear) and see how we feel in the new year.

Anyway, thanks again for all your kind thoughts and words xx

ps Katie - massive congratulations. As a very newlywed, I can heartily recommend it. Being married ROCKS xxx