support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Good luck with the test Mishta!

I agree with Tree and Mishta - Bee, you sound so calm, so gracious actually. I am profoundly grateful for the space you created for all of us and the insight, sensitivity and generosity of spirit you have shown us all. I think you are right - we need to accept the past, and somehow embrace the future, whether it holds what we expected/wanted it to or not. You sound as though you are coming to terms with this week and this whole, horrible year (never mind the Queen's annus horribilus - what about ours?).

Katie, it sounds as though we all have different conception tips. I forgot my top one - seems to work for people when conception is elusive - plan a holiday where being pregnant would be irritating (skiing, action, whatever), buy lovely underwear and clothes, a case of wine... anything that might make being pregnant be inconvenient...

Hello Fat and Tired one
Am off to Barcelona for the weekend with middle boy on a hockey tour. I am that hockey mum. Sarah Palin eat your heart out.
Am totally disorganised and not packed and no clean hockey socks and I look a wreck.
Must dash, in which case. But find myself here instead. Hoping that feeling the sun on my face and watching my beautiful boy will warm my sad spots. A year ago I was recovering from my first termination when on the very same trip; everything reminds us of everything doesn't it? Teary makingly.
Thank you Mishta and Cando and Tree for your posts - I am touched by your words as ever really.

Texted our Lins the Pins today who reports that she is utterly exhausted but okay! And allegedly living in an eighties throwback home. As I said to her, just leave it hun. In two years time rag rolled walls will be all the rage. It will be decidedly retro and my Farrow and Ball - Hint of Parisian Autumn grey - will me more than passe.
Love to you all on this bright, chilly day.
Oooh how I wish you were coming with me to sit by the side of the pitch and natter.
BEE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Bee,

Barcelona is a fantastic city. Hope you get to see some of it as well as being a Proud Mum. Do come back and tell us all about how good your boy was - in suitably gushing terms, we want to hear! Oh and they have great shoes in Spain....

Good to see you are back in the fold Bee, am at your Barcelona trip. Hope your son plays well.

Not caught up on all the news yet and just dashing through to light some candles in the cottage as darkness is approaching. Glass of mulled wine anyone? Here in RL its been a beautiful day which I spent rather lazily with ds2 who stayed off nursery. We went shopping (only Lidl - dull) but trip to park as well. My house is very atmospheric with woodsmoke, flickering candles and a bottle of wine warming by the stove for later. My only effort towards Christmas is a a few new smelly candles, still to buy the tree, we're thinking of getting one we can plant in the garden after.

Hectic weekend ahead - will sign off for now.
Hugs. xxxx

Hello lovely ladies,

Loved reading the posts this evening in my catch-up. Bee, you are amazing. Hope you get some sunny weather in Barcelona.

Katiecubs, please do CAT me if you come down to Brighton anytime. Are you thinking of moving here?

Thank you for all the ttc advice. Can I just get one thing straight, though? Am I right in understanding that 'every other day' is for AN ENTIRE MONTH!? Sorry for shouting...I'm just flabbergasted

I'd planned on targeting just three or four days in the month...I've just told my OH about the every other day thing and he's got a sudden spring in his step. I think he might even be dancing in the kitchen at the moment...

Your atmospheric house sounds gorgeous, Eulalia.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I'm off to a wedding...just glad it's not my own, at least I can fully relax. I'll be sure to bring a torso shot back for you all to see ;-)

Hugs, BG xxxxx

Hi BG,

Ha to your DH celebrating. No, not the whole month - but unless you know when you ovulate and it's always the same day, best to start at say day 9 I think, and do day 9,11,13,15,17, say. Depending on length of cycle obviously. My stamina couldnt take the whole month!!!! but it seems Bee's and Justa's could....

Yes please another torso shot! what are you wearing this time?

Haha, I meant a bridal torso shot...I'll try and get my torso again though ;-)

Hmm, Cant, I have a 35-day cycle...that's a LOT of hard work!

Oh, Just, that's horrible having to keep going back to spend time at the hospital. At least they are keeping an eye. Hope you can rest up this weekend.

Right, am off to bed. Early night. I think I'll need it just thinking about all that hard work ahead!

Night everyone, xxx

Hi all. Am going to bed so no conversation here [tut] My eyes are itchy and I hate that so better go.

Oh bless you.

I think a good start to any consultation or contact with a health bod is 'I was told to come in if x happened, which it did on Friday.....'

Makes you feel less on the back foot iyswim?

Bless you. What a drag for you, though a great thing you are back here with us obviously. x

I have mild food poisoning. Is that posible?

Bee - I hope you enjoy Barcelona. It's not easy when anniversaries come around. Your blossoming son will ease it all for you.

We must get together Justa. How can I make this happen when I have one free weekend day till Christmas and then you are planning on birthing!?

Harriet has learnt to climb stairs. Crazy kamikazi kid. I believe her sister was nearly a year before she bothered to crawl. H is 10 months and has her sights on K2!

Hello dearest Justa and thank you for wondering

Not much of a spending spree I must say but the weather was GLORIOUS - simply glorious; such a tonic a bit of winter sunshine. Yesterday just wore a thin cotton shirt and believe me I am someone who feels the cold. There is a word for it in French 'frileuse'. Fabulous word.
My dearest twelve year old just had the time of his life with his crew of fellow players, much laughter and boyish pranks and charm.
They played well, he learnt alot.
As for me? Well I had no LM with me; it is a barometer of mine - how well I cope with travelling away on own without him. I enjoyed myself. I loved the sun, the boys company, I hung out with the dads mostly as there were not many mums and managed to communicate and befriend without flirting! A big step for me. Often find that flirting is a defense to hide behind.
There was a sauna and bubbly spa at the hotel - we grabbed 40 minutes of fun there too.
No shopping; the trip itself crippled me really financially and Christmas is coming too of course. Ate out twice with the children and had mucho cava. Lovely cold, cheap bubbly stuff. Perfect.
Thank you for asking about my trip Justa and sorry to hear of more hospital fiasco. Must trouble you when you should be resting and serene in your late pregnancy largeness.
How is everyone else?
How was the wedding Mrs BG?
Cando, how are you darling and Bezzy Mrs Christmas Lady?
Off to sort pongy hockey gear.
Yuckadoodle.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Also re the whole making a baby thing?
Got my words wrong - meant every other day for seven days before and four after! Not every day. Think the sperm need time to rest and recuperate and multiply. You know; kick back, have a beer and play pool.
Burp, stretch and get back on with the task in hand.
I remember we did not do it this often but that was my aim.
Basically just got to do lots of sex.
Tiresome business.
x

Hi ladies,

I wondered if I could possibly join your thread after a lovely lady on the 'Due May 2010' thread pointed me in your direction?

A bit about me. I took the heartbreaking decision to terminate my second pregnancy on 2nd November after a scan at 13 weeks showed my baby to have a terminal cystic hygroma. (My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage in July; and we fell pregnant straight away afterwards) We suspect it was Turner's but are currently waiting to receive the results of the tests.

(Question - should we have received the results back by now? I'm not sure how long these things should take?)

To complicate matters, the termination took place eight days before my wedding to my amazing DH, so it's been a whirlwind and very emotional month. In fact, today's my first day back at work and it's quite hard to get my head around everything that happened in November - hence why I'm on Mumsnet, rather than diving headlong into work, I suppose!

The hospital allowed us to postpone the burial of our baby until we returned from honeymoon, so the service is taking place tomorrow. Am quite scared as I've only ever been to one funeral in my life and that was 13 years ago, so I'm not really sure what to expect.

Anyway, I'm waffling so I hope you don't mind me gatecrashing and hope I can offer some advice and support to anyone else who is going through the same. x

Hi Viv, and welcome (sort of - we all wish we had never had to come here in the first place - but honestly this place is amazingly supportive).

Firstly, congratulations on your marriage. And I am very sorry that you had to go through the fatal diagnosis and the termination, and with such timing. Another woman on here, MrsBrightongirl, actually had her termination on her wedding day I think (she postponed the wedding). Anyway it's horrible timing and a horrible experience.

OK, I'm at work, so this can't be very long. BUT. I had the exact same diagnosis as you just over a year ago - nuchal scan revealed cystic hygroma and fluid levels up to over 10 mm at second scan. I too terminated. Subsequently we discovered the baby had Turners syndrome. (It took ages to find out. Termination was 24 Oct 2008. I saw the consultant in Jan 2009. But we had a postmortem as well as chromosomal testing, which may explain the ridiculous timeframe).

Just since I'm here, I was pregnant again earlier this year. All fine chromosomally - in fact, Turners syndrome according to my consultants is statistically unlikely to repeat, which is good. Sadly 20 week scan showed no kidneys so another terminal prognosis, and another termination.

Before I scare you away with horrible stories, I am pregnant again - 21 weeks now -all fine so far but I am a nervous wreck! I also have a healthy 2 year old.

Anyway, about the funerals. We had one both times - the first after the baby's body was returned, which took ages. It was just DH and me. He carried the coffin in both cases - it was heartbreakingly tiny and light. We chose a reading at the second funeral. I have to admit I cried through both - they were both very short. I couldnt see anything positive to celebrate at all - an adult funeral is so different, there is a life to celebrate, memories to share. But the anticipation was worse than the reality. I would recommend thinking of something positive to do after the service - something for you and DH, not necessarily connected to the baby.

For me, part of the hard part has been coming to terms with the fact that I had to decide to terminate - even though there was no chance of life. Time passes and it does get easier, though you don't forget - somehow the whole thing starts to feel like a nightmare you might never have lived through.

I meant this to be short and I had better stop, but I wanted to say hello. And I will be thinking of you, your DH and your angel baby, tomorrow.

Hello there Viv
Goodness me - what a time you have had of it my dear. There are many,many kind and gentle souls here who will hold your hand.
Women who have attended services for little ones; many of them have touching ideas for how to mark the day. It is not easy but you will get through it. Sad, sad times.
Also one of our dear threaders has had a very similar tale of wedding dates and termination dates. It was a few months ago for her and she is moving onwards and still smiling.
You are doing well to be at work, you are doing well to write about it too. Well done Viv and we will all be here to offer support and kind words and a virtual cup of tea.
Must dash now but did not want your heartfelt message to go unanswered.
With love
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

PS I was incredibly anxious about the results of the testing. And when it turned out to be Turners, I wished it hadnt (would have been better not to be chromosomal). But the chances of another baby with Turners are very low.
By the way, they may have already asked you, or they may ask tomorrow, if you have named your baby. We named our second lost child immediately as we knew she was a girl. We didnt name the first as we were waiting to find out - so we didnt name her for months. I do regret that.
Hi everyone else!

Thank you all for such a swift and welcoming response, and particular thanks to Can'tDoThisAgain for your story about the funerals. They really helped, and I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this twice. x

After my initial post, I decided to bite the bullet and call the hospital to find out if they had the test results back ... only to be told that the lab have no record of me. I'm furious, although the nurse couldn't have been more upset or apologetic - particularly as they "remember my story as I was the lady who was getting married a few days later"

She's going to speak to the consultant tomorrow morning and find out what's gone wrong, but suffice to say I don't think we're going to find out what happened. I was particularly anxious to find out the cause as it happened so close after having a missed miscarriage and I wanted to find out (make sure?) it was 'just one of those things' rather than anything that was hereditary from me or DH.

We did decide to name our baby right away - we were told at the time that the diagnosis was highly likely to be Turner's, so our angel is called Gracie. I don't think we're going to have any particular readings tomorrow, but I know that DH or I will want to carry her coffin if we can.

Anyway, thank you all again. It's nice to see that so many of you have gone on to have successful pregnancies after going through something so terrible x

Oh Viv, I can imagine you must be furious. If it helps, I dont think Turners is hereditary - it is just one of those things that happen. The chances of another chromosomal problem are higher than if you hadnt had it happen, but not ridiculously so. Not that it helps through the panicky stages of early pregnancy!

I love how they say things like they remember your story because... A midwife said to me, 'I remember your name, have we met?' and I said no, and she scanned my record and said 'I just remember you as the person who had unbelievable back luck with 2 traumatic pregnancies'. Good to be notorious, not.

Gracie is a lovely name. I was shaking too much to carry the coffin, but DH did. I found it all a bit of a blur to be honest - but it was much less painful than I anticipated. And it did feel peaceful somehow to say goodbye.

Do tell us how it went. I found it quite helped to tell other people here who get what happened. And can hold your hand when you're ready to try again.

Good luck tomorrow. xx

Hello everyone, and welcome to VicLic, although I am very sorry you find yourself here. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hello Bee, welcome back from sunshine land. It sounds like the trip was more proof positive that your recent decisions are the right ones for you and LM right now. Sounds like you had a 'light' break away. I really hope that is the case at any rate.

Everyoneexcept little one has d&V so I have to go. HOuse looks like a war time temp. hospital wing. Beds on floors and sheets hanging everywhere.

xx