support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Hi everyone, just checking in really, so pleased to see messages from Shangrila and Misha and you're both okay. This thread is going to see some babies soon!

Justa, your bleeds sound awful. And who dared complain about you to a bishop?! If you CAT me the name of said bishop, I shall write in protest.
All pregnant ones - we do understand that this is not a simple state for you all, is bound to be hard. Lots of hugs to you all.

Tree, hope you're feeling better - is this drug related? Hugs.

Bez, love the phone story. Too funny. And love the baking therapy. It's funny how comforting baking is. Maybe because it gives us back the chance to nurture that evil nature keeps taking away.

Bee, your au pair/lodger sounds dire. Can you bear her for another month? Poor you. And cold could not even vaguely describe you.

Eulalia - WHAT cute kids. Gorgeous. Thanks for posting the pics.

Time to make dinner here. No domestic goddessdom here, sadly.

Hi all.

Headache continues, back from day trip to eggy donation land. Going again tomorrow then eggy harvest Fri or SAt Seems to have come around very quickly!

Lodger Loon. Are you tempted to text back 'cold darling? Move out to some where warmer'

Will read and digest when have 2 babies in bed and a cup of tea in hand. DH is being a star making the bedtime hour flow without me.

Tree, I don't ever think I've said that I truly admire what you're doing with the egg donation. A remarkable lady.

Your family are beautiful Eulalia. I love Bee's imagery of 'free range' I know EXACTLY what she means!

And your au pair Bee. Can you last another month with her? Especially over the festive season, where you're meant to be surrounded by love and happiness.

Good to hear from you again Mishta, I really hope everything works out house wise for you. You really don't need any more worries. Am also with the pool. Can't get much further removed from swimming outdoors down here in Bristol at the moment - and probably even less the further north in Britain we go! (you not been blown away yet Eulalia?)

I'm freaking out at the thought of yet another pregnancy. I'm not sure I can cope with the stress of going through this again. While I'm not pregnant, I'm not worrying. Just obsessing. Sh!t I wish 2010 would just pass. Which makes me feel absolutely dreadful as I'm just wishing my beautiful little girls life away. I should be cherishing every moment. But I'm not. I'm willing the months to pass.

I wish this year had been different. I guess we all do.

Enough waffling. Night all.

BK xx

Oh bezzy. You and everyone must want to just hit the forward button to the year 20xx and just have the baby in the cot. It will pass, it will. Just like the brutal hard early early days. Now so far behind [though not far away I know]. It will pass. The moments and special times with your family will happen too. You will have precious memories coexist with the heart ache and stress. You will. YOu already have.

Am swooning at your babies Eulalia. And the countryside. Mainly those children though. They look so...warm..artistic..like they will giggle at any moment. Your eldest has a shining soul. One of those. Any mother who has their child bring him home as their 'item' will sigh a huge sigh of relief.

Hello everyone. I am one hormonal loony tune. I am full of eggs and a total fruit loop.

I think thread babies list would be lovely actually. I think we would all be warmed by that. Altough I may be waaaay wrong.

Great to hear form you Shangrila and Mishta, Cant and all.

(((((((((hugs))))))))) to Justa, nearly there. Nearly nearly.

tree - hope the headache has shifted.

Oh bezzy. Will concentrating on Christmas help? Is mini-bez getting excited?

Thanks for the lovely complements. You know it really helped sorting out those photos just to appreciate what I have. ds1 struggles with his emotions but does smile although it can look a bit odd and forced for photos but I shall try and dig out a nice smiley one to post up. On said nose ds1 has now got a lovely smattering of freckles from our holiday last month.

Blowing an absolute howler out there today, wrap up warm ladies!

Cold and windy and wild here too. Bleugh. Tree - well done on your follicles. It's so exciting. Knowing what I now know about the heartbreak of fertility/pregnancy problems, I hope I would do what you are doing - but they definitely wouldn't want my eggs.

On a cheery note, some good news. I'm pregnant. This in itself is not necessarily good news, for obvious risk related reasons. However I am now 19 weeks. I have had the nuchal scan plus blood tests (ie combined test) at 12 weeks and was given risk of less than 1 in 36,000 for Downs syndrome, which given other factors (age (34) and more crucially history) was very good. At 15 weeks I had a scan to check for kidneys (there were none last time), and they were there (tick). And today I had the anomaly scan - I can't tell you all how horrible it has been, waiting. Everything went wrong at the anomaly scan in May, and I found out our baby couldn't survive - I was literally beside myself. Anyway - all looks normal for now. I can barely believe it.

I have told nobody in real life, except my parents and DH's, and Bezzy and Bee. I am walking around in outsized cardigans sporting the fat, rather than pregnant, look. I have been paranoid and still am, actually. You lot are the first people I have told - even after today I feel so scared about telling anyone, I cant believe it went well.

A reassurance scan in 4 weeks, just before Xmas, when I will be just under 24 weeks, has been booked in (it's being called 'parental reassurance scan' - ie it's for us, not because they see problems). I am still unbelievably anxious and turned inwards - this year has changed me and not, I think, in a good way. Anyway I wanted to share this good news with you all, before I start telling people in RL (though I cant wait long, or they will start to guess, given shape and sudden propensity for baggy clothes), because you have been here since May and I appreciate you all so much.

I particularly appreciate Bezzy and Bee, who have been holding my hands on email even though they have been through their own hell very recently.

I am probably going to need much more handholding, but today feels like a very tentative celebration. Having said that, it is also very poignant, and I came home and have been sitting looking at the photos of my lost girl, stillborn at a similar gestational age not so long ago, and it still hurts. Probably it'll always hurt.

OK, off the subject of me as this post has been very me-me-me - waiting for Bez to report back on purchases from Bicester!

Oh, wow, Cant, I'm so unbelievably pleased to hear that! It's just the most fantastic news! Thought I'd just peek into the thread in my usual lurking fashion before running out of the office and will now be grinning like a loon on the tube ride home! (Sorry for proliferation of exclamation marks, but I think they're allowed on this occasion.) I really really hope that you can start to enjoy some measure of "normality", whatever that is, as you get into the second half of the pregnancy.
K xx

Oh Cant. I'm so warmed by this news. Many many congratulations. Have tears of pure emotion here.

And what beautiful people Bezzy and Bee, I know you were both a tower of strength.

This is great good news. x

Cant, what great news! Am so happy for you. Just picking up girls from MIL's after a night shift, and I must say this wonderful news has woken me up enough to make the drive home. Congrats to you and yours xxxx

YAY! Glad you feel able to come out of the (oversized jumper) closet Can't! Was thrilled to get your text today. You're very welcome, and am still very flattered that you chose to tell me.

Bicester was a lovely day out, but a touch disappointing on the shopping front. Lots of VERY nice designer brands, which were heavily discounted, but still more than I'd choose to ordinarily pay. (I sound like a complete cheap skate) but I'm never going to spend £200 on a jumper, even if it was £700 to start with! Did indulge self with festive apron and mitts to go with my new domestic goddess persona.

Very tired Bez now, 2 hour drive there and the same back. Stressful coming back as windy roads and v dark and wet.

Congrats again Can't, hopefully you'll be holding mine and Bee's hands soon

Night all xxx

Boo about the shopping. I don't think I've even spent a hundred pounds on a jumper, never mind 700!

Thanks for the congratulations. I am looking forward to holding Bez's and Bee's hands soon. And anyone else - MrsBG... Katie... etc.

Am just overcome with your words dearest Cantdo. Mostly your sad words about your lost girl. It is so raw and painful.
And now we have to let her go somehow and all of the lost souls and welcome in this new wonderful, too too wonderful news. You have got through this past months and you are intact and still here and a jolly good friend.
Biggest of teary hugs to you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bee

Wow! SO much to say.

...but then, I don't know what to say...Can't I kept re-reading your posting...I couldn't believe it! So, so, so happy for you. And so great to have those horrible scans behind you. Wow. You have so many many hands to hold here to get you through the second half of your journey...ah, I'm so pleased. This is good, good news.

Eulalia...what beautiful photos! I loved the daffodil field one...like a lenor ad. All three are totally gorgeous.

I've taken your lead and added a wee photo too. ...well, I will, in a minute after posting this.

Ooh, your lodger, Bee. I always start to shake and quiver when I argue with anyone...it's not natural...although Mr BG might beg to differ, hehe...well, it's different with him. But, I don't think it's natural for you either to be confrontational, you're too lovely and empathetic for all that hoo-ha. Hang in there these coming four weeks. You'll have your house back soon...first the builders, then the lodger..sheesh.

I can't post anything else, I'm still stunned and happy-sad by Cant's news. I hope you understand what I mean by that, Cant. It's remembering all you've been through and feeling sad about that and now all of a sudden...all of a sudden...though not so sudden for you, I realise...you are on the other side of those scans and those first few weeks of hellish worry. I feel the worry and the relief and the cheer all in one.

It takes me back to our old lady bench. Though, boy, are they rabbiting on tonight...but instead of being slumped and close in conspiratorial chatter deep beneath their flowery head-scarves, they are upright and smiley and enjoying the view. If you see what I mean.

Thank you so much for sharing with us all

Off for an early night....no, not that sort!

Night, Hugs, MrsBG xxx

Well, I think I partially added a photo...not sure if I did it properly.
Night xxx

It's like the sun came out on our thread, isn't it?

But we know there is a little girl in the sunshine, and she was real and she didn't get to play in the sun with her family. These are sunny rays of heavy happy feelings. Not the giddy trippy joy you feel when you are 16 and a boy asks you out. This is heavy happiness, it has a weight and a texture.

Bee it must be amazing to see your young adults, with those pure feelings you have at those ages. Pure excitement and pure angst and totally unspoilt happiness. of course they have had life experiences, especially lately with the recent sad crime, and yet - I think in that time of life, a person is able to filter and file experiences in a different way to our time. I dunno. I just rememebr myself at that age.

We have so many happy days to come, some are indeed very close. Lins you cannot have much longer at all. Isn't it great that you can all come to the thread when you need the weight of happiness acknowledging.

Oh Cant. Bless you.

Hi MrsBG, I can't see your photo... have you done something technically clever so only the privileged few can see it? Its exciting, this profile sharing thing. Seeing people not as you imagine them but as they look. I'm never going to post a pic, just so you can all imagine me looking like Courtney Cox. I wish. I am certainly less scrawny (euphemism for considerably more chubby!). But it makes me smile to see everyone else.

Thank you for understanding. It is a heavy happiness. And actually despite all the scans the anxiety remains. I feel cross with myself for that, but I can't help it.

I am a bit of an old lady. I do like to gossip on a bench. And I would love a furry hat and a stick.

Hugs to you all, for being here, and getting it.

Oh my yes, I [a midwife, working in antenatal translating scans all day] saw a programme at about 30 weeks with dd1. One of those where they find some soul in deepest wherever with vanishingly rare disfigurements and fly them off to New York to get fixed etc. I was utterly convinced I had either caught it, or had it. Or my baby did if you see what I mean. Despite all scans being fine etc etc. I made the lead fetal med consultant scan me next day. He did bless him, as soon as he could see through his tears of laughter.

So it is 'normal', and yet you have a real and recent anxiety generator. I think you are all amazing, I would possibly need sedating for the whole pregnancy, my anxiety levels would be such.

I felt guilty that I couldn't let go of the feeling of impending doom. I think it is because we are so so needing everything to be ok, we actually start coping with the emotions of it not being ok. Self preservation, so we have a fighting chance of surviving.

Bless you justa.

Cant Congratulations! What lovely news, and to hear that all the tests have turned out OK, what a relief. Am very happy for you.

Cant - massive massive s and s.

Perfect, perfect news. Of course, I understand the anxiety and the inevitable bittersweet taste. Major hurdles have been crossed. Well done you.

On a frivolous note, the phrase 'reassurance scan' makes me smile. I was offered as many as I liked this pregnancy and was incredulous. What, you expect me to undergo the most stressful experience known to (wo)man by choice? When I have an option not to? Without sedation or alcohol? My DH helped to put it into perspective by saying that everything up to and including the anomaly scan was like the preparation for a major road trip - do we have enough petrol? Is the car up to the journey? Are we even on the right road? Everything after that is more like the final checks - quick glance at the watch to see how are we doing for time etc etc. Yes, he is married to a madwoman but knows how my mind works, so it really helped. But as I did say, I am more unhinged than most.

Love to all. x

Tree, I love that story - thanks! And Justa -I would freak at that too. You're right about memories being hardwired.

As for the reassurance scan - well I'm already panicking that it'll show a problem, and wondering if I can wait to tell the world till after then - but it's literally 23rd December, and I need to give notice of maternity leave to work that day! so I dont think I can sit on it that long. Though the only people I've told since the scan yesterday are you lot....

Actually not having to wear the huge cardies will be a relief. It was a bit counterintuitive making myself out to be fatter than I was.

I dont know, though. Bezzy is right about the crystal ball. We need to know things will be okay. And that goes for everyone, whatever stage we're at. One thing I do know, is that this is a very special place to be because we know how to lift each other. You all know how to make me smile.

If anyone is in need of humour - we received a very odd parcel yesterday, a parcel with written all over it 'ONLY TO BE OPENED BY THE NAMED RECIPIENT', but clearly junk mail. It was addressed to the people who used to live in our house and shamefully we opened it out of sheer nosiness. Anyway it was porn DVDs and catalogues, along with letter thanking them for being good customers in the past. They cant have been good customers so recently since they've not told them they moved house 18 months ago... but we now understand why they had a huge TV locked in a high up cupboard in their bedroom and a lock on the bedroom door...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA