support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Numpty - I found work helped, weirdly. Helped redefine me not just in terms of my loss, and restored some normality. But only when you're ready.

Anyone baked anything recently? I could just fancy a nice slice of cake.

Worn out, otherwise, by chasing after full-of-beans toddler all day. So it's going to be early to bed with book for me!

Hope your DD is okay, Lucky.

Wow growingout, you definitely deserve some sofa time. Your ds and mine too. He still has the occasional melt down, egged on by dd, who at 2.6, has mastered the art of the tantrum. I was feeling a lot of sympathy for the little darling today until she threw a mother of all tantrums. She is def already better.

I made some of the Jamie Oliver biscuits from Ministry of Food cookbook. They are soooo yummy and easy as pie. Will wing a couple over to you Can'tdothisagain.

Am about to sit down and do a bit of knitting. I am finding it v therapeutic.

Hi everyone, hope you are all sleeping well. It's nearly midday here. Had my ultrasound and baby is doing well! Relief. Spotting has all but stopped. Not taking any chances though and am still going to take things real easy for next few days. Hired a Doppler today, should arrive tomorrow, which should give me some peace of mind. I had one for the last pregnancy, before I knew the diagnosis. After we knew he had t21, and we were deciding what to do, I would still listen to his heartbeat everyday, mostly praying that I couldn't find it so that the decision would have been taken out of my hands. But it was always there, strong as an ox. Sure didn't make my decision easier. That's why I waited for the cvs results this time before hiring another one.

I can't thank you all enough for your support. Cantdo, I know what you mean about the bleeding, I've had 3 miscarraiges in the past, which all started off with bleeding, and I used to read about women that bled in pregnancy for seemingly no reason and used to pray that I was one of them. But i always went on to miscarry within a couple of days. So when I'm pregnant and see blood, I think the worst. But it looks like I might be lucky this time.
And Numpty, I agree with Lucky, your loss is your loss - if you had read about a lady losing 5 children, and you 'only' lost one, should that make your loss any
easier to bear - of course not. Our children are our children, and no matter how old they are, no parent should have to bury their child. It's still such early days for you, and so many others. Like most people, I wish I could say something to make it better, but I think we all know that the best we can do is be there - the support you girls provide each other is beautiful.
Sorry for such long post! I shall stop now. Sweet dreams

Hurrah Mishta! You take it easy now, and let's hope the baby stays put for a long while yet!
With your history of mc's it must be doubly worrying, so I'm so glad the scan went well.
Whereabouts in Australia are you? I spent a very happy nine months in Sydney, back in my travelling days, and also got to see a bit of Melbourne, and the east coast. If I could take ALL my family with me, I'd be back there in a shot.
xxx

Morning all!

Good morning Linspins, I was born in Sydney, 'grew up' in Melbourne, and moved to where we are now, Taree, 17 years ago. Its about 4 hours north of Sydney, 15 minutes from the coast. So those places you know in Australia are pretty much where I've lived. Whereabouts are you? My FIL is from England, but have never been to our 'Mother country' myself.

And yes, I'll be taking it easy - thought the spotting had stopped there for a couple of hours, but it's back, just small amount and brown (lucky we're all girls here - TMI for some). Just want it to go away!

Have a nice day

Hi all
Busier than usual Bee here.
I wanted to just quickly welcome Mishta here - and it sounds as if your wee bean is growing well in there - so glad to hear it. Although it is terribly sad to hear your history of pregnancy and baby traumas - in particular your loss of a baby through SIDa. I am so sorry - the pain must never go.
I have terminated two pregnancies for T21 and I know only too well how utterly heartbreaking a time it is . I too know Aussie - Tralia - was married at Byron Bay in fact and it was a memorable and wonderful place to be.
And to everyone else - glad you are all hanging in there; baking and knitting and comforting each other.
How are you doing Lucky today?
And Numpty?
And lovely Cantdo - are you and little Cantdo knocking up anything delicious today?
Dearest Lins - you sound a bit brighter and I am glad to hear it.
Where is our Tree - are you okay honey?
And GO - how many weeks are you now.
Bezzy - if you are reading still - hello to you.
Brighton Baby - how is your spirit?
And how is the dress?!
Eulalia- sad you not popping in anymore my dear but totally relate to your feelings - it can accelerate the sadnesss sometimes to read more pain. And you have reached a decision and that is positive.
I have the kitchen builders in.
I am in a state about it.
What a surprise.
Bee xxxxx

Shangrila
Forgive me! I forgot to say hello and ask how you are. I hope well. We must have that conversation soon if that is okay by you- a virtual one fine. I have not registered to CAT yet, although am cattable, just one of those things that is on the list.
big hugs to you

Oh Bee, didn't say I'd not pop in, maybe just not so much... not sure, just not been thinking about IT so much and also keeping away from the computer and getting on with summer holiday activities. Builders? Oh send some our way, our house is in a complete state of partial renovation, I could write a book about living here. How are things with you?

Mishta - whew things sound good with you. All the best for baby bean. I'd love to go to Australia some day.

Its weird I feel strangely relieved not to be pregnant. I think I realise how horribly difficult my life would be if I was about to have a baby right now. Having said that in retrospect I think I did the wrong thing, I know we should have pursued other options more fully but there was such a huge lack of information out there. We weren't actually encouraged to terminate but the lack of info about anything else seemed to make it the only way, on top of being totally unprepared for the news, hormonal etc etc.... but I just did what felt right at that moment of time and that's all anyone can do. Having a baby turning 44 is hard enough for anyone but with all the other kids as well, dh's health is not always good, half built house etc etc etc...

And you Bee were so right about ones role as a mother to older kids. Its funny I was at the beach the other day watching a mum rushing after a toddler hurtling towards the sea and thinking I won't be doing that again. But not long after I was bundling up my 10 year old in towels after a dip in the sea, hugging him and rubbing his back for a good half hour (he was freezing!). It was lovely.

Well I'd better stop rambling, am in the middle of getting organised for a camping trip, not been for years, really looking forward to it.

Will pop in again soon, much love to all mummies, children, babies and beans. xxx

Have a good trip Eulalia and glad you are not jumping ship - I skim read last night and got wrong end of the stick (or should that be 'oar').
There is no right thing is there?
I of course still sometimes think about what would have happened had I chosen to keep the baby - I guess I mean the first one - especially when I see a person or child with T21. How could we not?
But also the preservation of my funny little family and my own coping levels played an enormous part. I think it has very much helped me to value the time with my children.They need us so much.
Lovely to talk to you
Bee xxxxx

Hi al

Phew!!!! Mishta. Phew.

Welcome home Bee.

Had a massive day yesterday, shopping in York and an awful journey home that took 2 hours. Awful day today too so am going to crawl under a duvet whilst baby sleeps. I hope. Feeling most anxious and unsettled. Hormones I guess.

Dearest Tree
Pass me the charts matron; I will be nursey in charge while you have lie down and rest darling.
Life can swamp us now and again. I was in a riot of panic and gloom this morning and I MADE myself go for a swim.I hate swimming and all forms of exercise. And i ploughed up and down properly for half an hour. With goggles - like a real swimmer. Not like a mummy with my head out of water. It helped me.
Sweetie - I am going to send you an email.
Kisses and gentle mops of brow
Wish I could take Hatts for a walk to the park whilst you rested.
Bee xxxxxx

Hello,

I haven't caught up yet, but just had to come here. Feeling awful. I have an interview tomorrow and am completely stressed out about it.

My parents moved house last weekend and they keep going on about how stressful a house move is. It seems to excuse them for all kinds of behaviour - the stress. For instance, standing beside one of the three new sheds in the garden, I said that this particular one could be painted and turned into a wendy house.

Mum curious: for whom?
Me trying to sound positive: for your future grandchildren.
Mum snaps: well, I'm not going to wait long.

Nothing. No sense of how hurtful that could be. No recognition of what has just happened to me. It's all forgotten and moving house, apparently, is the most stressful thing anyone can go through.

I need some confidence for this interview. Where can I find some, please?

I'm sorry, I just had to come and rant about everything. I know there's much more important things going on this thread.

I hope everyone is all right. I will catch up with all your news tomorrow when things are a bit quieter for me.

Bee, it's nice to see you back. How are you doing? I went for a swim today too - massively had to force myself, but felt pretty great afterwards - that is until a phonecall and argument with my Dad, over nothing in particular...which just set this all off really.

Oh, Tree, just read your last message. Hope the duvet brings you some comfort and rest.

Love to everyone. xx

Oh Brightongirl!! How really awful and really shocking! Am a bit outraged really.

No excuse, and really, if you can face it, something a person should be informed about. I'd want to learn and do better if it were me. That was a really baaaaaad thing to say. If you can face it a reminder of what has befallen you would be a usefull check on your mothers moving house stress. Being self absorbed and drowning in self pity can only lead to misery anyway, so you would be doing her a favour

Or you could try shake it off, as we cannot change people or make them behave in a certain way.
What ever is best for you, as you are what matters this evening.

For interview. Clear you head, sort out interview suit, roll play some questions and answers with someone. It will help to get in the 'zone'

Bee - Thank you.

Brighton girl - big boo hoo for you Mum's behaviour. Yes, moving house is stressful - But I think supposedly third after divorce and bereavement. So see what is top of the list - losing someone you love, and the associated grief.
I'd wait until after the interview and have stern words with Mother.

For the interview...get your outfit ready tonight (tomorrow lots of deodorant if it is as hot as today!)
Think calm assertive thoughts " I will be strong, confident and concise"
Remember to answer the question they ask, then stop. (Don't waffle to fill in pauses.)
Walk tall, shake hands firmly, give them a big grin. Smile at anyone in the work place that you meet - they might be asked "oo, what did you think of her!"
Think tonight of some questions you want to ask them.
Get an early night, lots of fresh air in the bedroom.
You will be great. I repeat YOU WILL BE GREAT

Has that helped your confidence?

xxxx

Tree, hope you've had a restful unstressful day. I bet looking after Hatts is so tiring, without journey/shopping stress on top.
(BTW, her dress is GORGEOUS).
Big hugs to you and take it easy. xxxx

Right BB
Here we go honey.
Parents are pretty emotionally STUPID quite often it seems. What a ridiculously cruel thing to say?
The kind bit of me thinks - okay - maybe it is that thing where, you kind of say totally the.... wrong thing.. because you.. just do not know what to say.
But the other side of me thinks.. typical.
And this is why i have been in therapy for - oops - seven years. Parents.
Philip Larkin? He was not wrong.
Back to the main event. You. Your job. I sometimes imagine a little trinket box in my head where i store the sad baby thing. I acknowledge it, gently put it in there and shut it. Go to interview; make your shoulders go down not up with stress ( check them), breathe, smile. Be you. Charm them. Get outfit ready tonight. Watch something utterly banal.
Remember you have a man who loves you. Who wants to marry you.
Your baby will come. You will get your own sodding shed to turn into a playhouse and on the outside it will say;

'Grannies KEAP OWT'
Go Brighton Baby.
Go.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone and welcome back Bee, we missed you.

GRRRRRRRR Brightongirl. I have to say that I don't think our parents got what happened to us either - they perpetually downplay it and if I mention it I feel like a drama queen (which I am not - I havent even told anyone else about it, and I am a determinedly undramatic soul). I think it's their form of self-protection to block out the pain that it has brought to their child. I reckon your mum has blocked your loss out too. And also that she was feeling very sorry for herself and self-obsessed when she said what she did. But grrr to you having to endure it. And well done for not screaming.

For the interview - I recommend sorting out the clothes, doing the question/answer role play that lovely Tree suggests - and then a bit of relaxing time readingw/watching TV before bed. GOOD LUCK!

Hope you're doing okay Tree, and Bee too.

All is fine here, except I saw a doll this morning that was the image of my lost baby. I got a horrible shock.

Still, the sun is shining, and I am less tired today. Off to work out how to cook kolhrabi.

Hugs to everyone!!!

Crossposted with Bee and Lins; I am loving what they said to you Brightongirl!

Good evening Cantdo
Good words for our Brighton Girl.
People are astonishing aren't they?
But shocking for you to have that experience today - is so recent still Cantdo. So sad. I feel so sad for you.
Can I, on a lighter note, say that I am most impressed/intimidated by your cooking?
Can we all come around for dinner one night?
Bee x

Oh, thank you so, so much everyone. I've had my head in my notes for the last couple of hours - that and a bag of pie and chips...hmmm. You've reminded me of what I should do...what I used to do for interviews and presentations and such like. Shoulders back, smile, calm, eye contact, role play a bit, get organised the night before...perfect.

Tree, Linspins, Cantdo, Busy, Growing, and all others on here, you are so wonderful. Thank you for the confidence. I was just pondering to myself, thinking, I can iron my clothes in the morning...and then I read your mesages. So, off I shall go to get it all ironed and laid out for the morning.

Glad to hear I'm not alone on the parents front. I love my parents so much and feel so grateful to have them both and to have them healthy, but it's not always easy. They just don't realise. Can'tdo, I totally feel like a drama queen if I bring up what happened, you're so right. If I say I'm sad because I lost my little girl...I can hear them thinking, but it wasn't a 'little girl', 'you have no idea what it's like to actually have a child'...blahblahblah. It definitely could be a self protection thing as suggested, blocking it out of their minds. I also think they don't quite see me as a full adult, and this is something that happens to adults...I don't know. I also think Mum blames me for 'leaving it too late' (I'm 31!) and no matter how much I say that the problem we had wasn't linked to age, she won't hear that, she just so desperately wants a grandchild.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I just need to get a job so we can get this show on the road again. So, will take all your lovely advice - totally needed to hear it (read it) in black and white - everything I know I need to do.

I'll be back to the cottage tomorrow. Did anyone CAT each other the other day, when we were talking about that? Seriously, how amazing would it be to meet up one day :-)

Love (oops, there I go again almost typing my real name) bg xxx

Hey bg, sorry to hear about your parents foot in mouth disease. Have multiple experiences of that in this corner, esp from the in-laws. Loads of luck with your interview tomorrow.

A huge wave to all you other lovelies. In my little corner of west london I have cracked open the wine and chocolates. I am trying to finish knitting a hat for my friend who is having her baby on Friday. It is a sort of purple grey colour. Do you think this would be ok for boy or girl? I don't think I am fast enough to knit two by friday.

Am off to be become a lush on the sofa, looks like I'll be dropping a few stitches, hic.

Sending vibes.....[brighton girl is going to do well in her interview....Brightongirl is going to do well in her interview....] repeated etc.

Just had chinese take away, as brother in law and his girlfriend came over unexpectedly. I was SO hungry by the time we ate, i wolfed it down, and now I feel so bloated. Not great at the best of times but my stomach doesn't like lots of food late at night when I am preg...eeek. I'm gonna pay for this. But did have...oo, maybe 5 tea spoons of champagne (yeah, classy with our take away!) and it was lovely. Want to drink a whole bottle now...!!!

Off to bed, to rub full tummy and groan.

Night all.

I'm away tomorrow, so I'll pop in Friday. See you then. x