support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Lucky
YOu and I do seem to coincide with the whole chocolate, wine thing.
am on the organic rose (obviously does not count if organic) and teeny tiny bars of Green and B.
Wee hat sounds very lovely and am impressed that you can manage - well done lovey.
When I go to Hong K next week for work I am staying with friend of LM - the wife has teeny baby that was born same time as my first one would have been. And I am never around teeny babies as all my friends have big children - am bit worried.

Linsy - ooohhh - I remember that feeling honey - mint tea? And a hot water bottle - hmm maybe not in this weather. Just do lots of groaning - like in When Harry Met Sally - I find it helps. Like a cat in pain.

BB11 - Good luck for the morning Brighton Girl - we are all your handmaidens egging you on.
Night all

Hi Brightongirl - GOOD LUCK. I am thinking of you from here. I remember interviews as though in another world - it has been years since I had one, and I've forgotten how you need to psyche yourself into it. Your last post made it clear you're already psyched. I am sure you will be brilliant.

As for the parental thing, do you think anyone understands about losing a baby in the way that we have unless they have experienced something like it? My parents and parents in law don't get it. Even though I unkindly shoved photos of Stella in front of them to force them to confront the fact that she existed and was a real baby. They had clearly not expected her to look like a baby. Now we just never mention it because it's easier that way, so I think they just forget, now.

Are you an only child?

Bee, the baby in HK - I think it won't be as bad as you think. Newborns I find tough, but after newborn they have their own personalities and patently aren't the babies you lost. So it becomes apparent that it doesn't matter that other people have healthy babies and you have had this happen. It doesn't change what happened to you. Having said that, I dread baby contact too (am fine with toddlers up) and so I think the dread is worse than the reality.

Going somewhere nice, Tree?

The hat sounds lovely Lucky and just right for boy or girl. I loved handknitted gifts when DD was born.

Well, a TERRIBLE night here, little Miss Insomniac up all night, so we've been awake most of the night too. She seems to be getting teeth problems though so maybe this time she has an excuse.

Hope your night was OK after the takeaway, Lins!

Hi to everyone else, too.

Not much time as going out, but good luck BrightonGirl! Hope it all goes well and you do yourself justice. DS pulling me away now...

Evening all,

It's been quiet today on the thread. Hope that's a good thing.

Well, the interview went all right. I should have said, it's a bit of a stretch of a job for me, and they might have realised that. But, I forgot about everything else and did my best. Thanks so much for all the support. I wish you all could have interviewed me instead - it would have been much more fun.

How's everyone doing today? I'm off back a few pages now to catch up.

Hey, Bee, I went for another swim today - was so pleased with myself after yesterday - now I can barely lift my arms!

bg xxx

Shangrila
Love - if you are around - can you contact me through CAT? Am trying to sort out how to do it but have failed miserably. Three times,
no worry if not but have few wee questions.
xxxxx

Hi everyone

Congratulations on getting through the interview, Brightonbaby. When will they let you know the outcome?

We've had a lovely day in the sunshine today. DD is definitely getting her molars though - she isn't eating a thing, and is crabby. She has had loads of exercise and fun, though. Fingers crossed for a less bad night than last night.

I guess everyone else is enjoying the sunshine too. I hope so. Sending positive vibes and sunny to everyone!

Hello All, sorry for elongated absence. I've been minding my brother's kids this week as they're always in a fix during the school hols. I've been absolutely pooped! They're 12 and 8 and lovely children, but hard trying to find things to do that fit in with the schedule of a 2 year old.

Just wanted to say that you seem to be coping so well, Numpty and Lucky Really hope that I'm not misreading you.

How was the interview Brightongal? Any more from the folks?

How was your break Bee? Hope your spirits are lifting a little. Also hope that your trip to HK doesn't set your progress back.

Been cooking Cantdo? My niece and I made your banana bread this afternoon, was a big hit. In fact I've eaten too much already and now haven't prepared anything for Capt C for dinner....uh oh..bad bad wife.

How's the sickness Lins? So good seeing you around again, missed you while you were away.

I'm away tomorrow to drop the kids back off in Manchester, then back to Bristol until Tuesday, when we're off on hols for a week. WOO WOO WOO!!

Potty training seems to be doing OK, went to the zoo today SANS nappy! Only wearing big girl pants! Did a wee in the potty while we picnicked on the grass and no accidents. SO happy about it. Hopefully, we'll be well on the way to potty traindom by the time we go away on Tues.

Hope you're all doing ok and enjoying the sun, as a matter of interest, when we left for zoo, was glorious sun, then tipped it down with rain, got soaked and had no brollie or coat. Should know better.

BK xxx

Busier, tonight I am on the percy pigs, you want me to throw you a few? HK sounds difficult. I can completely understand why you are a bit worried. Does she know about your little one?

Wow Can'tdo, I just saw the time of your post. That is an early morning if you've not had much sleep. Poor dd, teething is just a pain. Mine were completely mad when their teeth were coming through. Hope you get a better night tonight.

Brightongirl, the swim sounds fab. Dh took the dc swimming today and I sat in the gallery and watched them as am still bleeding from erpc. It was v hypnotic watching people doing laps of the pool. I longed to be in there swimming away my worries. Hope it did the trick for you.

Dddh is out tonight so I am watching terrible tv, eating percy pigs and dairy milk and I treated myself to red magazine. I have loads going on in my head today and I was going to post a huge moaning thread but I just don't have the energy and I am not sure it would be much fun reading it. Suffice to say I have just realised that although the raw grief from the first few days has passed, I am really just at the beginning of this road. Thanks to all of you for holding my hand so far.

lots of love
x

I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't put a long post on here but Red magazine was rubbish and I am sat on the sofa with my mind just going round and round. So I am going to just write it all down on here, in a purely therapeutic away. Please feel free to ignore my ramblings. I know this is something I will keep coming back to over the next few months.

Its just that all I keep thinking about is getting pregnant and having another baby. But I am torn. Tbh, I was torn before getting pregnant. More to do with the fact that I really wanted 3 children but was not sure as my life is pretty good. My dc are past the dependable baby stage. They get on brilliantly. They share a room in our 3 bed flat. We have space. We have money as we are not overstretched financially. Life is neat and tidy. I am not good with the dependable stage. It makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky (not an exaggeration). I hate that I have no space for myself. That all I am is a mother to a small demanding child. I put myself under a lot of pressure to be perfect, that I shouldn't feel like that, that I shouldn't crave space from my own baby. I have spoken a lot about this to my therapist and I know there is still alot to work through, but my incredible impulse is to completely ignore all of that and just think sod it, I want another baby.

But I think about all the things I could do if I didn't have another baby. I could go to the gym when they are at school. I could do a bit more work and then we could afford lovely treats. I could start exploring new career avenues that really interest me. I wouldn't have to do the whole baby thing again, the night feeds, the breastfeeding (which I hated but wanted to do), the baby classes, the being at home with a baby (which I find suffocating and claustrophobic). And 3 children seems chaotic. And I worry one would be left out.

But on the other hand two children to me seems lonely. I want to be able to give my dc a sibling. My dc are 18 months apart and I don't think I enjoyed either of their babyness as the first one was such a shock and my ds was still little when I had dd.

Before I lost this baby I spent a week panicking about what I had done, how I had completely turned everything around and that I just wanted it to all go away. And now it has gone away it is all I want.

I feel I have no space to work this one out as dddh took a bit of convincing to have another one and I so I feel if I voice any concern over it I am so worried it will change his mind and take any sort of choice I have over this.

I don't think I have written this down very well and it seems like a complete ramble but my head feels all over the place.

I'm sorry, this just seems like such a rant, and it really is a bit 'off thread'. I don't even feel like I have got to the bottom of it either.

But my heart is aching for my baby. Perhaps I am just trying to replace what I have lost.

I am not going to read this back to myself as I will most likely hit the delete button, so apologies if I make no sense at all.

I actually feel slightly guilty posting this too. It really seems v unimportant when I read what you have all been through. And I know I shouldn't compare but that is just a really bad trait of mine.

I am now going to take a breath and continue with my knitting in the hope it will stop the tornado that is spinning round in my head right now.

x

Lucky,
I'm so tired I think my head is about to fall off but I wanted to reply to your 'rambling' (which it wasn't btw!).

I reckon that all the feelings you have are so valid.
Of course you suddenly want another baby, I think it's only natural after such a loss. but it's also natural to like the life you have and the freedom older children allow!
It's gotta be one of the most difficult decisions for parents with several children already - whether to take that plunge back in to the chaos and lack of routine that babies bring...

Do you feel you need to decide quickly? I can't remember if time is on your side.

Children are demanding, there's no escape from that fact. but we love them anyway.

Is there any way you could have a balance of 'work life + nursery', plus a bit of being at home?

3 children seems the ideal to me cos I am one of three, but I have a sad feeling that this will never be an easy option for us, it's been hard enough work getting a second.

Don't beat yourself up about finding the baby stage hard. You had two close together, and that's physically and mentally lots of work.
Do you think it would be different with another, cos the other two can help you?

I wonder how long you would give yourself for the craving for another to either go away or drive you mad. Some of it might just be all the hormones racing round your body, and your mind imagining the life that might have been.

Don't feel guilty for writing it all here - difficult feelings and decisions to try for babies after loss are all part of this thread.

I hope you felt a wee bit better after writing it all down.

I'm off to collapse in bed.

Sleep well everyone. xxxx

Hello Lucky
And thank you for the Percy Pigs - yum.
I do empathise with what you are saying - when I got pregnant last August, well I was a wreck. LM had been wanting to try for years - and i resolutely said no. Just felt would be utter madness.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was beside myself. I was depressed when i look back, shocked, and kept waking up in night and saying out loud to the darkness 'No, I cannot do this.'
Even at the scans I felt the same detachment.
But of course once I knew it had T21, I felt sso very protective and desperate to do the right thing; for the baby, for my children and for him.
I was consumed with getting pregnant. I think this is the mind's way of healing itself; to replace the loss.
The conflict is so wearing isn't it?
And you are still bleeding Lucky, still physically in shock. Mentally too.
I too can not remember how old you are.
But I sense you have time - let the feelings settle. You are not the only one who finds newborns alienating. It is a strange and curious world. Maybe this time, when and if you try, you could have help. The big ones would keep you grounded in the real world of children and community. Not then so isolating.
You are not 'off thread' - there is nothing we give in to more here than 'shall we, shan't we' conversations.
Me off to bed too.
Night night over there in West London
From rainy East London
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps- How you doing Lins - you sound exceptionally tired. Are you spirits less worn away?
xx

Hi all, another day if bedrest - which is not as lovely as I always imagined it to be! Just teeny bit of spotting this morning and none yesterday arvo or night, so while still not taking chances, feeling pretty good. Received Doppler yesterday, good strong steady heartbeat. Yay!

And Lucky, just wanted to quickly say, I don't think I've had one pregnancy where I haven't thought - what am I doing?! Even now I sometimes think I'm crazy, and many people tell me I am, for going back to nappies etc, when I gave two grown-up girls and pretty much a carefree life. I love that we can go to the shops and say to the girls 'meet us back here in an hour'. I know that won't be happening for at least another 10 years! And I know if I lost this little baby, I would be devastated and feel so feel guilty for even thinking like that. Well, whatever I was trying to say, I didn't say it very quick!

And Brightonbaby, i know comments such as you
mentioned can be hurtful. I can't begin to count the amount of insensitive comments I've had over the
years! But I think some people just don't think. My dh
and I are at the point we just have a bit of a chuckle to ourselves and shake our heads, and I think of the quote from Madagaskar "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave".

Hope you are all sleeping well

Hello all

Just dropping by for a sleepy wave. Can't sleep but what's new there?

Had the glorious news today that the karyotype is normal. Wonderful word. Taking nothing for granted at all but for the first time my anxiety levels are a little more tolerable.

Anyway, that's us. I've a blissfully quiet day at work tomorrow/today and DD is away on a trip, so will look forward to catching up with all your news in a few hours when I've had some fortifying coffee.

PS Thank you so much for the virtual hand holding. Means the world.

Booo booo boo wrote a long message and the computer ate it. I hate that.

Anyway to summarize: yay, Shangrila, great news. Now you can relax a bit!!!
Lucky, good luck with the decision making. Maybe you shouldn't agonize too much and just go with your instinct? If your instinct says you want another, then follow it. The idea of having a baby is always scary - well babies are, really, aren't they? they do change our lives. But you're still in the raw stage anyway... don't beat yourself up.
I agree Red magazine has been crap lately!

MiniBez is such a potty star! Cant believe she is in biggirl pants already. Well done Bezzy, I will need tips when my time comes for this as you've done it so quickly.

Hi everyone else. Gu, you okay? and Daftbat of course.

Nothing to report from here - trying to decide what to do with our day. Might need to go and get DD some new shoes... very tedious. Have a good Friday everyone!

Shangrila, Hurrah! hurrah! Big deep breaths let out now...phew.
Really pleased for you.

I still have a teeny weeny '?' in the back of my brain about our baby. Not going for the CVS means you do have to rely only on the scans. And I know that in both our babies the problems did show on scans as well as the amnio/CVS, but I can't relax about it all.

Well, it rained here in the night, and then some. And the temperature outside is quite nice today, even if it's soggy and wet. So how come it was SO HOT upstairs in our house last night!!!! We had every window open but I slept really badly, and mini-lins woke a few times too, therefore waking me when I actually was asleep. Grump.

Lucky, how are you today?

Big hello's to everyone else too. xxxxx

Have not read this properly as builders just arrived (deep breaths) but wanted to say a heartfelt

WHOOPEE

to Shangrila.
And hope that everyone is as calm as can be expected and ready for the day ahead. How are you this morning Lucky?
And Mishta am glad to hear that things are progressing in the right way for you.
Brighton Gal - how you doing love?
And hello to Bezzy - it sounds as if you have achieved a remarkable feat this week with the big children.

xxx

Just caught your long post luckywinner and wanted to say how your feelings sound totally normal and similar to my own. I too felt very thrown by my last pregnancy, totaly unpreparedness and uncertain that the family needed another addition. During the termination it was so dreadful I just wanted it over but thankfully it was fairly quick. Then almost immediately I felt the loss and thought "I want another baby!". That feeling lessened but I was confused for months (it was 5 months ago). Only fairly recently I can view things in a calm and rational way so give yourself plenty of time to think about whether you really want another baby. Your hormones say yes but does your mind? Not sure of your age but can you give yourself 6 months to just try to clear your head, think of day-day things. I know its hard as part of the grieving process is going through everything rather than bottling it up.

As I said for me I think no more kids would be far too much. But I do have 3 already and yes 3 is a lot of work! Youngest just turned 4 last week and is out of that toddler, difficult stage and I can feel after 10 years there is a light at the end of the tunnel of finding myself again although I could do with a serious makeover in the clothes, hair and social life department! (Facebook what's that?!)

Mishta - so good to hear things are settling down.

Shangrila - wow fantastic news! How far on are you now?

Wave to everyone else (love that Madagascar quote!) need to get breakfasts sorted out (late today). Sorry not had time to post more. Camping is tomorrow, spent all week locating things and being sidetracked by trips to the beach. Am pathetically excited by the prospect of making a campfire and looking at the stars.

And thanks Bee (how do you stay so strong, supportive and amusing whilst enduring so much of your own sorrows?!)

xxxx

Shangrila wonderful news. So happy for you.
May I ask how old you are? I am 8 weeks pregnant after trisomy 21 miscarriage in last December. I am 39

Hi all - congrats Shangrila on your news. I hadn't realised you were waiting on results. Although I have read many of the posts here, I haven't quite worked out where everyone is on their journey, whether they have kids, currently pregnant, etc.

I had almost 24 hours of no spotting, then thus morning quite a bit of brown discharge (sorry if TMI, I'm a nurse and often discuss things such as characteristics of bowel motions etc with patients - theirs, not mine - so my gauge of what might be TMI or not can be pretty off). Anyway texted OB, he must be so sick of me to ask whether I should restart taking this HCG injection he had me on til 12 weeks of pregnancy. It's supposed to help support pregnancy in those with recurrent miscarraiges, until the placenta can take over. Not many doctors do this though as there have been limited studies. I figured that the placenta is probably under a bit of stress at the moment, so why not give it a bit of support. Anyway, he pretty much said might/might not help - do what you think. So sent dh up to chemist to get Pregnyl and needles. Was going to give it to myself, being a Saturday, but I didn't realised it was for intramuscular use, not subcutaneous. I've chickened out. I could inject into my fat, but no way my muscle. If I feel I need it still tomorrow, I will pop into work and get a colleague to do it. So far though, all is good since this morning.

Sorry for long post. Can never seem to condense what I have to say. And you guys are the only ones, besides dh, that I share these things with.

Nearly time for you all to get up I suppose. Have a lovely day!

Good luck with the discharge Mishta. I had that in two of my pregnancies and HATED it. It was harmless as it happens but it made me feel sick as it just didnt feel right. It's very old blood, though, apparently.. so try not to worry too much.

Hi everyone else. Had a good day yesterday-ended up with almost the whole street of kids in my garden for half the afternoon, with the swings and bubble machine and slide, then we decamped to another garden for a paddling pool. DD was in her element - the youngest there by miles but she loves it like that.

I am trying very hard to be positive because I have a lovely family, albeit with just one child at the moment. The two losses still hurt and I still want, need, another baby, but I am enjoying the moment because DD is so gorgeous at the moment. Specially in the sunshine, with the beach and park as possibilities.

Brightongirl - any news on the job?

Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine.

Thanks for sharing Cantdo. It really is reassuring to hear. I'm hopeful that's the last of it now, and that I can get back to going to the toilet without being scared to look down!

And yours and Busier's story are two of the ones I do remember. The unfairness of the double losses is something not easily forgotten. My OB kept reassuring me that the chances of the same thing happening again would be like getting hit by lightening twice. But to me, it seemed logical that I had the same chance as the first time - worse even, being that I was a year older. Thats why I didn't even wait for the blood test results to come back before I had the cvs - now of course I'm regretting having it at all. All very easy to say in retrospect I suppose.

Hope you and all have a good day

Hello everyone.

Mishta - I think it is reassuring that the bllod is old, it's just working it's way out and nothing new has happened. Read it that way. Terrifying times for you though, and a shame about the time lag as we can't chat to hold hands properly.

Shangrila - well. It's just bloody brilliant isn't it?

I think loads of people have loads of conflicting feelings about getting pregnant, being pregnant, loosing pregnancy or pregnancies. Here in the situations you are in, I bet things get pulled out and aired so much more, as you are having to go to places lots of people simply stick their fingers in their ears over. Thats why your feelings are so valid lucky, and not uncommon at all. Just that you are so acutely aware of your feelings, having been so mentally involved with pregnancy over the last little while.

Follow your nose. x

Bee - hows the building? A day of peace and dust today?

Big waves, happy weekend everyone.

This is allegedly going to be a quick post, but then we all know what my quick posts are like. I am at my in laws in the countryside, which is v beautiful but has crap internet connection.

Thank you for all your lovely messages from my rather rambling post, with, I think, not many commas. I always think commas in posts are equal to breaths in conversation and when I talk quickly I tend to breath less, when I write/type quickly, I tend to comma less!

Wise words from a thread that is becoming a very lovely cyber-home for me. I'm 34. I think that gives me a bit of time to decide but I did have it in my head I would do no more babies after 35 but that's almost a year away so I have a good while to think about things. But as you said Eulalia, I don't think I've reached that calm rational time yet. There is very much a feeling of making up for something I've lost. Will be taking some deep breaths I think. Tree, your words feel as wise as ever and always make me feel calm so thank you.

I have had a good couple of days where I have laughed hysterically with dc and have made myself play with them and it has been fun. Like you Cantdo, am trying to enjoy what I have. It is hard isn't it when behind it all there is a very strong desire for another baby. I hope you have had a lovely time with dd, and it has somehow lessened your pain. However, I feel like I keep ending the day with tears and loss.

How are you today Lins? Feeling a little less exhausted I hope. Your post to me was lovely and I always feel touched that you have the energy to reply to my ramblings when you are feeling so wiped out by everything.

Busier, I would wave from West London, but have dived into the countryside for a couple of days so hope the eastern corner is not too overrun with builders. Sounds exciting, what are you having done?

Mishta, hope the bleeding stops soon and you are able to put your feet up and rest.

Shangrila, yippee yippee, so glad you got to hear the normal word.

Numptymum, just wanted to let you know am thinking of you and hope you are getting through the days.

Off to the beach tomorrow. Lets hope the weather holds out. Will build a huge sandcastle for us all and blow lots of kisses out to sea for all our beautiful babies that are no longer here with us.

Have a lovely weekend
lw
x

Hi Lucky.

So quite here today - I almost didn't want to disturd the hush iyswim?

You sound mellow. I'm glad you had a good laughing day. With a sigh for the babies.

x

Hello Lucky
How lovely to hear from you- particularly from the countryside - I always try and log on when I am away from home. I feel lost and unable to connect to my losses and my mamas who understand the losses if there is no connection.
My children away in Italy with their dad and the Wicked Witch of the North and her threee children - she being the woman who seduced my husband away. Turns out she did me an enormous favour; although of course it did not feel like it at the time. Anyway they are away and house feels eerily quiet and i am... restless without my mummying to steady me.
I am glad you have been able to enjoy your wee ones - it is hard sometimes to do so when the pain is so recent. I found I was so caught up in myself, trapped in my agony.
Re the builders - having a new kitchen which is deeply exciting as have never had a proper grown up kitchen - in fact mine is probably less sophisticated than Cantdo's and Bezzy's little's girls' ELC one. But the ust and chaos is most troubling - an interior wall knocked down, chimney breast knocked down etc.
Tree- did you have a good time on your little tripette? Where have you been?
he young untroubled twenty years olds in the house behind me are having a party - much merriment and music. So different to our lives. (If any on you are currently at a party, I don't want to know!)
GO -how many weeks are you now oh spiritual leader? You are quieter than normal and i do hope all okay with you.
Everyone else - sorry not to say hello by name to all - hope you are restful. Special big gentle hug to Numpty.
And if you are reading Pelvicflawed I send you such empathetic thoughts. Poor girl.
kisses
Bee