support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Just posting very quickly to send my love to you and stella today cantdo - My thoughts are with you xxx

Cantdo, I posted on here a few times before you joined the thread (have since been away on holiday) but I've been catching up on everybody's news and have been so struck by what you've been going through. I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you too....

All the best for a peaceful day cantdo. I think the weather is probably appropriate. Take good care of yourself and don't hesitate to go to the GP if the bleeding continues. love E xxx

Love and hugs to Can'tdo. Hope you have a peaceful day. xxx

Just managed to get on the internet from a tiny village in France...before it goes again, just want to say am thinking of you today Cantdo. Sending you love and hugs.

Popping on v quickly to say I am thinking of you today Cantdo, and your angel Stella too. Hoping it is a beautiful, peaceful day. Huge hugs xxx

Hi and thank you for all your thoughts.

It hasn't been a very peaceful or uplifting day. I cried all the way through the service (same as last time then!); DH did a reading that was lovely. Actually the service was lovely. But it can't be enough...

Anyway it has been raining all day, so we went to a shopping centre we go to quite often, DD had a good run around in the ELC, Waterstones, etc, and we had a nice lunch in Pizza Express, but just after we arrived there my parents rang to say my grandmother had died.

I feel above all utterly exhausted. I have worked with victims of trauma and I know how people react to extreme stress - but somehow I never really understood how absolutely tiring grief and shock are. I feel utterly pole axed and very heavy. As though I could sleep forever.

Oh Cantdo, I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no words to say, other than that it's unfair for one person to endure so much in such a short period.

I hope your grandmothers final hours were pain free and peaceful

Lots of love

BK xx

Cantdo- I am so sorry that your Grandmother has passed away, on this of all days. I am sure that you are bereft, and beyond exhaustion. I too hope your Grandmother's final hours were peaceful. Please be very gentle on yourself, do what you need but put yourself first and give yourself lots of time as I'm sure the healing process will be painful and take every last ounce of energy to sustain. Give DD lots of hugs.

Lots of love xxxx

OH Cantdo - this does not seem fair. You poor poor girl. Our friend on this thread, Tree, understands trauma very well too and suggests that you must be wrapped in a warm blanket and be soothed and fed comforting things. Wish could look after you.
I remember Lins explaining very well how she felt the traffic should stop and a memorial held, or a monument built or something to mark the sorrow and loss. That nothing can be enough to mark the goodbye to Stella nd now a grandparent too.
Maybe she has gone to look after Stella for you.
I am so sad for you love.
This is how life can be.
Be very gentle on yourself.
We will be gentle here too.
BB xx

Busier that is so comforting. Thank you. I can imagine my grandmother looking after my baby. She looked after me a lot when I was little and she always said she wished she could look after DD. Now she can look after Stella, since I can't...

Thank you Bezzy and Jumping too. My grandmother was dying - has been for weeks - so not a huge surprise but it still feels like an added boulder.

Oh cantdo what an awful day for you.

Like Busier, my first thought on reading it was that your Grandma had gone to look after Stella: now she'll have someone to love and cherish her until you can do that yourself.

I remember you saying that your Grandma's days were not as she would have wished so she will also be happier where she is now (although I am sure that gives scant comfort to you in your current grief)

My final thought (as I sit here weeping for you) is that your Grandma loved you very much and knew about Stella. Have you thought she may have hung on until today so that you did not have more grief to bear beforehand and knowing that today could not possibly be any worse for you?

Maybe she thought you'd get some comfort in her being there for Stella. Or maybe that is where she will get her comfort from, being a family again with her much missed husband and your darling Stella.

Hope I haven't made things worse. Thats the only way I can think God could have put so much on you today....

With love hugs and tears

DB xx

Thanks for your messages Daftbat and GU.

The thing is, she didnt know anything about Stella. Because of what happened last time we kept the pregnancy secret - meant to tell at 20 weeks after the scan. It was possible because I barely showed (now it is obvious that was cos there was no fluid - but I didnt show with DD either, and she was small when born at term). But it does really comfort me to think that she has gone to look after my baby even if she didnt know about her before.

The killer is now I have to go back to the crematorium where we were today; dreading that, as much as anything. Particularly as only my parents will know.

You know what? I've always had a very undramatic life. Happy childhood, easy time at school and university, got a job easily, found my husband, got married, decided to have a baby and succeeded on first try, everything has always been easy for me, not in a sort of perfect life way, but in a very undramatic way, a very straightforward way. This year has been particularly hard because I have never been someone things happen to. And I suppose I wasn't psyched up for it.

Just want to lie down and sleep. I can't obviously as DD is rampaging around. Once she is in bed, I think I will have a hot bath and a glass of wine and then go to bed myself. For the first time in all of this, I am really struggling, and I realize I'm not as tough as I thought.

Darling cantdo......no words to say, just love to send xxxxxxx

You are tough to have survived thus far, cantdo. Remeber the story of the oak tree and the willow from when you are little? In storms, the one that survives is the one that learns to bend and move with the wind.

I think life can be like that, too: sometimes standing tough can be the end of you and you need to go with the flow.

What I'm trying to say (albeit rather badly) is it's ok to give in for a while, weep, scream, sob, whatever. It isn't a sign of weakness at all, it is a survival mechanism. Do whatever you need to. Take whatever time you need and you will get through this. I promise.

I do agree with the advice everyone has given. It's at times like this, that we realise that we are SO much stronger than we realise. I know that if 10 years ago somebody told me what I'd have to go through recently, I would never have thought that I'd have got through it and still been able to smile and laugh ever again. But somehow I did.

What the ladies here have taught me though, is that it's ok to feel like you're falling apart, ok to be angry and definitely ok to cry.

Today I found myself, while driving (why is it always when in the car?!) having a good old wail. I just needed it. Felt much better afterwards, but just needed a moment to feel sad and to remember my dear little baby. I expect this will happen for a long time. I still cry about my baby that was lost in a miscarriage 3 years ago.

BK x

Oh, Can'tdo, I've read all the messages and sit here with tears in my eyes. I'm so so sorry about your grandmother. When I read what had happened, my first thought too was that she had gone to look after Stella - seems lots of us think alike. But it is a comforting thought, on a day when comfort must seem so thin on the ground.
You say 'maybe I'm not as tough as I thought' - but any person, however tough, would be wiped out by a day as emotional as this. Grief is utterly utterly exhausting, not for a day or two but for so much longer than anyone thinks.
You are strong. You came on here and told us about your day. You are still able to be there for your Dd. And when she is asleep, fall apart if you need to, or just sleep. Rest is not only good for the body, it gives ones brain a chance to NOT think about everything so much.

Funny you should say about having had a happy uneventful life - I did too. The first 'awful' thing that happened to me was my cat dying when I was about 17. I was distraught for ages, maybe because I had never had to deal with sadness or loss. Have had my fair share now though I think. You have too.

Take care of yourself, and I hope your Dh is ok too. Love Lins xxx

So sorry to hear of such a very sad day for you Cantdo. I hope your grandmother passed away peacefully. Everyone here has already said so much. I don't think I can add anything. Enjoy the hot bath and wine, tomorrow is another day... much love. xxx

Thank you so much ladies. I don't have the strength to write more now, but I will tomorrow. I appreciate all your words so much and I want to reply, but I am simply too tired, so I will come back tomorrow. Thank you for being here for me.

But you have got through the day Cantdo somehow. And you are still here and we are witness to your love of Stella and how honest and open and real you are being. Strong and weak not appropriate to worry about. Abandoning yourself to sadness and loss and grief is not a sign of weakness - rather a strength to face your pain and feel it and learn from it.
Everyone here has been touched by sorrow one way or another and I love daftbat's words about the oak tree and the willow.
You are all lovely healthy willow trees; and hopefully the men can be the oaks.
Think we need both.
Goodnight sweetie
Busier xxxxxxxx

Bezzy - it does not go away lightly, the intensity of feeling sweeps through you now and again does it not?
I feel you much more able to tell us about it than when you first popped up here. Well done honey - hold on tight to the loved ones
kisses
BB xx

I was a bit neurotic at first about being identified and also thinking that my feelings were 'unique' to my craziness. Have since realised we're all a little bit crazy!

BK x

Can'tdo - I have been thinking of you all day today and hoping that Stella's service was peaceful and everything you wanted it to be. Such a traumatic and sad day but you somehow got through it which is good.

I am so very sorry to hear about your grandmother, today of all days, but like the other ladies, I'm sure she will be looking after Stella now reading her books and telling her stories.

When I think of my little Joseph I get comfort thinking he is with my mum now (she died 4.5 years ago) and she is looking after him.

Life can throw some shit at us though. None of us are as tough as we think and at times we need to cry, shout, sleep just let it all out, it's part of the healing process. But you know what I truely believe we are all survivers, what we've all been through has been horrendous but we're coming out the other end to tell the story and help and support other ladies in our situation.

Sleep well tonight honey and look after yourself.

Marjx

Hi to everyone else, BB, Bezzy, Lins, GU, Eualila, Daftbat, Becarro, Tree and anyone else I've forgotten. Hope you are all well