support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

I'm sorry to hear about their reaction, Lins.
Somebody, perhaps it was you, said many messages ago, how another side of this grief is the loss of innocence we experience and that once you've been through something so painful, subsequent pgs can't be without worry.

I wonder too, if the next time, I'll be able to skip quite so joyfully to my first MW appointment...I suppose with your DH, it's a sort of self-preservation thing, being so cautious and maybe wanting to convey that caution to his parents...but I'm sure they'll allow themselves to be happy when the news sinks in. Can you tell them how you feel?

[Lins munches way through cake, sniffing and feeling sorry for self] Thanks Growingup!
I was just remembering back in the dim and distant past when we announced our first pregnancy with champagne...

Hi...

Lins, I have to say that I deliberately tried not to be happy about being pregnant this time after last time. I didnt tell a soul except DH and I pushed it right out of my mind. And then I had a bleed at 9 weeks and I realized I was very attached already - the attempt to be detached had failed, really. But I do understand your DH even though I completely get why you were upset. I would have been too. And there WILL be champagne soon. We have to hope that.

Trying to remember what you've all said. Havent been in today. And when I got home there was a message from the funeral service asking me to call back. When I did, the woman had left already, and the person who answered was dismissive. I remembered this odd attitude from last time and that felt like a smack in the face. Although it's the least of it, really.

Milk still abundant. I could feed entire populations, I think. Thankfully I am not bleeding as horribly as last time. In retrospect I wonder if something went wrong last time - I didnt know what to expect in terms of bleeding.

Oh and I'm moving on from M and S - homemade lasagne with butternut squash layer a la Jamie tonight. Attempt to be domestic goddess despite being still lost, really...

Cantdo, I think doing something practical helps. I baked a banana cake today, scones yesterday...it's just the eating of everything that I should curb now...the comfort weight is piling on. Sorry to hear about the milk coming so strong..is it uncomfortable, does it hurt? I can't imagine what it feels like. Sorry, you don't have to answer that if it's too personal.

Can'tdo, sorry you got a bad attitude on the phone at the funeral service. It doesn't really make sense does it! Surely ANYONE working there would be kind and compassionate...

I know what you mean about not trying to be excited. On the whole I am trying to keep it fairly low key. But yes, as you found out, you just do get attached and every day that goes past is important. Hmmm.

Think I'd better go rescue Dh who is trying to put Dd to bed and she really wants me instead. the whole neighbourhood can probably work that one out!

xx

Oh dear! Hope she went to bed. And congrats on such an early bedtime. We haven't got that far yet...

Brightonbaby, it's really sore and tender, hard to explain - I never really got this with DD because I breastfed. Another reason for breastfeeding. When DD hugs me it feels really tender, and also I feel like I might pop sometimes!

Oh, I so sympathise Cantdo and can understand the psychological sadness of having the milk come. I was sad with just being left with a small round tummy afterwards...it's all gone now after two weeks, so I think the pg hormones are out of my system.

I hope everyone found it over to this thread ok.

Goodnight all. Am very tired, I don't know how you all manage with DC, I'm shattered after a day sitting at my desk! so am planning an early night.

Have just had parents in law round to dinner (and sister and her partner) and I made a toast "cheers everyone, and congratulations to me and Dh!" and everyone looked cheerful and toasted us. So am a little happier.
But bloody glad they've all gone out for a pint now, I'm exhausted.
Appt in morn with consultant to talk about stuff...
Off to bed.
Night all. love Lins xx

Dearest Lins
So tough darling for you and you are being so strong and not letting the demons in. But it is inevitably so tricky to feel the intense joy one felt before all this shock. Maybe you felt bit cross with him because you too feel the gap between how you would like to feel and how you do feel? I do understand his reticence but also your disappointment. He is trying to protect you honey I am sure - as he is so worried himself. And worried for you.
When LM and I got pregnant this last time I distinctly remember telling his mum. I told her - even though had not told own parents - as she was staying with us and I spent so much time lying down I was worried she would think i was lazy. Plus she used to be a midwife a proper old fashioned Matron with starched apron.
She said NOT A WORD. And I was so embarrassed I just crapped on and on.
You deserve all the congratulations in the world and here we can give it to you because we all know that making a baby is a precious and wonderful, wonderful thing. My let-go ones, and yours and everyone's here are part of the miracle of pregnancy as well as being part of something sorrowful.
So you are pregnant and that is very beautiful and it is all going to be okay this time. I just know it.
Have just watched charming wee film with the teen - The Secret Life of Bees.. all about female solidarity and strength during the Civil Rights bill stage of history in the South. Touching and life-affirming.
All our pregnancies are special to us..
Cantdo - sweetie - I hope you are holding onto yourself and that here provides comfort a little bit.
I am home tomorrow as my working week been sabotaged by awkward work situation so I am open to hear ranting and raving. Is early days for you honey - raw, raw days. Share if you feel up to it. We can cope.
Off to bed - sleephead.
Night buzzy bees
BB xxxxx

Linsy
Also hun I will be thnking of you tomorrow at your meeting - not easy but part of the journey.
The days are moving on and upwards - the earliest I was told at FMC for a nuchal scan was 11 weeks and 3 days.
Deep breaths required.
lotsa lotsa love
Bee xxxxxx

lins I totally understand where you are coming from....my dh was the same after our losses. He didnt even come to the 12 week scan because he said he had to work - he also missed msany of my later serial growth scans too my MIL came with me! He couldnt/wouldnt understand why that upset me!

I dont really think he (or I) believed everything was ok til he held Toby in his arms for the first time....then he sobbed and went off happily to make the phone calls...

You have every right to be upset, but try not to be too hard on each other, ok?

xxxx

.....and no one hugged me either when we told them the news ...my MIL just said "I thought so....would you like some more potatoes?"! (we told them at sunday lunch!)

Hi all

Just popping on to say hello to all on this lovely new thread, and also to wave a fond farewell to the old thread, that supported me in so many ways through the agonising wait of the past month. I feel privileged to "know" you ladies, you are an incredible, strong and inspirational bunch. It is awful witnessing your heartbreak, especially as I have managed to avoid that (by a hairs breadth it feels), but I can certainly share that feeling of the loss of innocence with regards pregnancy, and the emptiness and sadness of that.

Cantdo- have you tried smooth cabbage leaves (after being stored in a fridge) in your bra? Found this used to ease engorgement a lot (had to express for a long time for DS, body went into overdrive thinking I had twins, so when we finally got BFing had endless engorgement and mastititis for first month and it was agonising). Sounds a bit mad but many have found they help. I cannot imagine how hard it must be producing milk without a baby to hold Thinking of you and little Stella, and your darling Grandmother too xxx

Growingup- I cannot believe your GP failed to note the PCOS diagnosis- it is such negligence. I hope now you can begin to move forward with this knowledge, but what a way to find out!

Linspins- so sorry to hear of how your DH broke your happy news. I have to say it was partly the fear of such reactions etc. which prevented us from telling our parents for so long, and when we did we blurted out in one sentence "JJF is pregnant and the baby doesn't have CF" as knew that would be precisely what they would worry about. It does change things so much, but the possiblity of new life should always be such a happy thing, full of hope and optimism, even in spite of history.

Bee- hope you can manage to view your period as a sign of regeneration and renewal, but I cannot imagine how hard it must be, such a physical, unavoidable reminder of what you have had to endure.

I agree with the trick to conceiving being giving away all baby clothes, equipment and in our case starting fertility tests and attempting to move house! I have to say TTC, especially when you "need" to quickly, so easily becomes incredibly stressful. Lots of wine seems to help!

Sending lots of love and strength to you all

Lots of wine is a recurring theme on this thread. (Hic)
So glad to hear your voice in such light terms and no longer weighed down by the heaviness of your wait. You deserve every happiness and can continue to devote your much needed attention to your affected child. Good news.

Can'tdo - how are you today sweetheart?
You are quiet which worries-as it is such early days still for you honey. Hope the bosoms are easing for you. Guess you may feel sad, sadder, saddest when they do. Much love to you. I hear your story is such a different way now that I am out of the raw zone. Is so affecting.
BB xx

It touches so many lives this whole life and life choice and waiting and deciding and death thing. doesn't it GU?
Glad you are doing normal mummy things like toddler groups.
I am saying hello to Can'tdo again.
Hello.
Keep finding myself all wound up with generalised anxiety as I go about my daily tasks and question myself and feel cross with my self for not taking life in stride. Then I remember, well remember to forgive myself and recognise the impact these events have had on me.
It takes time.
I wonder how Tree is in Devon and Cornwall?
Okay I hope.
Sorting the teenager's wardrobe out - and astonished by the amount of clothing one apparently badly clothed girl can gave. Is like a bring and buy sale in her room;except there has been lots of bringing and not alot of buying. Size 8 t-shirts from Hennes anyone?

More tricks to conceiving: 1, get an huge case of wine on order, 2, buy some pretty new (underwired) bras with matching knickers, 3, book or plan a holiday that involves flying, 4, buy some cute summer cardigans that look best buttoned neatly over a lacy vest and flat tummy.
Then, easily get pregnant...
And watch others merrily drinking your wine, stare in wistfulness at bras in draw, have to book train to Alps at Xmas instead of fly, and see cardigans straining un-becomingly over slightly rounded tum!
That's my story anyway!!
But all good really..

Went for appt this morning with favourite consultant, and she went through all the medical and technical jargon in Daisy's post mortem. It showed just what the scans had showed though, and luckily there were no surprises.
The consultant was very clear that with both babies it was just purely enormous bad luck, and that statistically we are only fractionally more likely to have problems this time than anyone else. And she pointed out that the increased raise in likelihood was small enough not to be able to put a figure on it. She seems to have lots of professional faith in the genetics team at Guys, and it what they say reassure her, that'll do me too.
As much as anyone can be reassured.
her first question was "how are you?" to which I replied "yeak...ok...I'm pregnant!" and she was so pleased for us! Really pleased.
Now that's the reaction I'm looking for!
Then she said we could have a quick scan today to see it was all ok and put our minds at rest. And I didn't even have time to be nervous....scan showed tiny weeny heartbeat. Luckily she could just see it via an external scan, a tiny blurry blob, but with a heartbeat. We heard it too (with a bit of imagination, somewhat quiet!) I cried. Just too much emotion.
Was a bit strange to be leaving clutching photocopy of one baby's post mortem, and a scan pic of the next...
[Linpins eyes well up a little].

So, plan of action, nuchal scan at 11 weeks 6 days (just before we go on hols) then they will race through the bloods, and phone us while we are away, with the results.

Fingers, toes and everything crossed.

Right, have been typing this message on and off for a while now, so must go and take dd to a playdate.

Catch up later. Love to all.

Hi everyone

Lins, glad your consultant was supportive and it's so exciting you heard the heartbeat - a new life is brewing...

Hi Busier - thank you for thinking of me, and everyone else, too.

I just had a major meltdown. Got through to the funeral people and they were nice and arranged to take a teddybear for Stella on Tuesday - funeral on Wednesday. But then it turned out they are over 40 miles away and only open 9.30-4.30. I don't have a car - DH has the car at work every day and his boss is being v unsupportive. My parents would take me but the 40 miles is a problem because my grandmother is dying 40 miles in the other direction and they need to go there every day. Cue meltdown at idea of Stella without bear. But then DH came up with the idea of posting it tomorrow which will get there on time.

The funeral is Wednesday morning. 9 am.

I've had a bad day - bleeding a lot (serves me right for saying I hadn't bled much) so much that it was like an uncontrollable flood. No sign of the milk abating. I think I'd better try the cabbage leaves!

So... a bit low today and overemotional and tired. But only to be expected...

Grrr, sending mean thoughts to your husbands boss. How can people be unsupportive?
Stella will get her bear. Send it registered or whatever guarantees delivery.
We will all be thinking of you on wednesday morning, and sending supportive vibes through the air to you.

Sorry your bleeding is bad today, I remember mine was very erratic, some days loads and some hardly any. And it caught me out as I thought at one point it had stopped, then several days later, whoa! But it does make you very tired, as does all the emotional stuff too. Grief is very exhausting.

re:milk...are you wearing bras that are nice and tight? I was told that having boobs 'well supported' (not difficult in my case!) and trying not to touch them at all helped. If the milk is still flowing in a few days, you could ask the midwives if they can help. I know you felt, like me, that enough was enough drugs wise, but you need to take care of yourself too. Poor honey.

Growingup, I like your list of pre-conception tips! generally, it seems to be: do anything not conducive to getting preg, and it will then magically happen. Surely there ought to be books on this?!

Big hello's to Brighton baby and to marj, who need our love.

Hello to bee and becaroo and bezzy and any other 'b' I have missed.

Hello Eulalia. xxx

And still 'yay!' to JJF!

Lins xx

cantdo I'm so very sorry Will be thinking of you and Stella on wednesday xx

lins So pleased for you - its lovely to hear that little "thud thud thud" isnt it? x

Had a funny day myself today...feel all tearful and sad Dont know why....havent been enjoying great health lately, which gets you down after a while, but I need to get a grip. Going back to docs next week re: bleeding and pain....not going this week - I would just sit in the waiting room and sob!

I do hope no one took offence at my "tips to get pregnant" quip? It is my way to try and find the funny side of things to help me cope, but I realise sometimes it can just sound flippant - which I can assure you I did not mean to be. Its just that I got pregnant - twice! - after giving away all my baby things....so its my foolproof method!

Am hoping for a quiet night...cue dh doing the dishes!

Hi everyone

Popping back before dinner (with Celebrity Masterchef) to say hi to Becaroo and Lins. Bleeding has eased up - it is weird how erratic it is, isn't it? Unlike a period where it follows a fairly predictable pattern.

I have got pregnant three times on the first attempt, so I have no idea about how to check ovulation, temperatures, etc. I suspect it may take longer this time because I will be more stressed about it. Lins - did your hospital tell you to wait for one period after Daisy before ttc?

Hugs to Busier, Bezzy, Brightonbaby, Eulalia, JJF, Tree and GU too!

I missed Ilovemydog.... Hello, big wave!