support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Morning ladies, ready for my coffee and brownie, now where shall I sit today, what about the window seat of the cottage (brushes crumbs off and settles down to admire the view)

Brightonbaby - am truly at your friend. I think you should say something to her, I know I would. Blimey you've got enough to cope with it as it is - big hugs.

Cantdo - hurray for period, now you can get yourself sorted with some sort of time frame for thinking for the future.

Funny you should say that Bee - was wondering how long I should hang around here, as maybe not in the right place if I no longer 'qualify' so to speak. Things are much better but got so many dates to get through, due date, Nov (when I got pregnant), anniversary of termination etc etc.... you'll be the same. Dare I ask it but, would you and dh consider adoption?

Thanks everyone for the comments on my post, felt a bit exposed baring my soul like that but I know I can do it here. I say things here I don't say to anyone else. And its so true that people don't realise how hard it is. I think I made us sound a bit like Little House on the Prairie - very rarely like that, in fact I can hear them fighting just now so better be off.

hope all have good day. xx

If this is a cottage can I hang bunting above the aga??

Marvellous news about your period Cant. 40 days since Stella.

Ooooh it's shite you all have to have this happen. Makes me want to stamp my foot.

Love to all. x

Hello to pelvicflawed if you are reading, take care.

Dear Cottagers
Yes I like it - I am suggesting squidgy sofas in pale blue with worn cushions - that we can sink into at the end of a long or bad day and a smiling bumbling fellow thread poster will potter in and announce;
'Anyone for tea and cake?'
Or - if it is after 6pm(?)
'Cold glass of prosecco anyone?'
We then have the daily rant and rave while all sagely nod their heads and disapprove of all the insensitive comments. Lavender oil is burning in the oil burner, the kids are being creative in the garden with twigs and the men?
Not sure they invited!!
Possibly a shed at the bottom of our rambling garden where they wear cords, smoke pipes and compare the size of their cuttings.

Cant - so glad the red flag has arrived and some kind of hormonal order is restored. Sad too to mark the goodbye to Stella again somehow. This is a peculiar confession and I may have said it before - but there is a slightly insane, otherwordly part of me that misses the raw period. I think it is something to do with the surreal element of the whole experience. We entered -as you so beautifully put it - some alternative, twisted world where all the expectations, all the joy and delight of having a baby have been turned on their head. And somehow the real world is never the same again. That is the value of our cottage. The effortlessness of knowing that you all know.
Thank goodness for it.
Have finished work! Still have few meetings but now have a month off.
So will me mumsnetting myself crazy.
Hope everyone gentle and okay.
Cantdo - if you feel teary and tender I think that is to be expected. Everything is so double edged.
I have not decided - it is very odd to feel so reluctant to conceive when I was so desperate before. I am so scared and so protective of myself and my family.
We discussed adoption yes. But really my LM has already got three children by adoption. Mine.
If we had no children then yes maybe. But then again if we had no children I maybe would have kept a child with T21. I just did what I thought was best at the time for the postion we were in.
Boy oh boy.
I suspect I may be a bit sobby today.
The academic year began in September with a pregnancy; the termination at half term. Another pregnancy in January. Another termination at Easter. How did I make it this far without cracking up? Somehow I have held myself together with sticking plaster and is possible may now have space and time to feel the loss again.
Budge up on that sofa Cantdo and Tree and make room for my bottom. I need a hug.
xxxxx

Oh Bee.
Life cycles. It's like we are not supposed to forget these mammoth happenings, even though we might find that easier. It's like the flow of the seasons and the melody of all life is there to ensure that the senses bring stuff back to us. Smells and breezes and temperatures and colours. Maybe it's the way humans learn, how we attain wisdom. We might forget facts and figures, but these deep life events are always with us. And can be called up from deep memory at a moments notice.

If I get a breeze and the sight of cherry blossom I am 7. Right back in my garden. Not a happy 7 year old, and I don't want to dwell - yet there I am. I have to accept that was me and I was sad.

So we can bury our suffering, or let it visit us. Maybe those on this thread are visiting types, by definition of being here.

What a babbling old crone I am.

Hello All

Am alive and kicking, just got my mum visiting, and she doesn't know about what happened, so didn't want to be caught scouring MN!

Thanks for thinking of me, means so much.

Loved your post Eulalia.

Will write soon when I've had chance to read properly

Love you all

BK x

PS where / when is this cottage?!?!?!

PPS Made another banana bread as well as cookies

Hurray the Bezz is Back!
The cottage? Can it be Cornwall?
Or maybe The Hamptons?
Glad you okay honey - when am with my mum I often run and hide to mumsnet as she drives me bonkers.
Get you with the whole Nigella look. Cookies too - we may need a bigger sofa. Are you having busy nights Bezz?
Tree - I know what you mean about smells and images taking you back. Is powerful. And scary.
But yes also helps us link up our experiences and learn. Wisdom. I value it enormously. You are a wise owl in your tree, Tree.

Hello Bezzk! Glad you are well. Hope you have good visiting from your mum.

Cottage [I vote] is on South coast, hillside, sea views with quite sound of waves, sheltered garden with flowers, strong scents waft in the windows [sweet peas?] organic farm shop bottom of grassy track, that also happens to have a dvd rental section and Molton Brown section.

Beds will be these with the divan to ensure good rest. Oh can feel myself drifting at the thought!

no bed time action, red flag arrived here too...prob just as well considering the copious alcohol consumption while north of border.

The Hamptons, I'm liking it....v Sex and the City.

COMPLETELY agree about smells, music takes me back too. I bought some fancy Neal's yard cream while pregnant as I developed weird eczema all over my hands and was unable to use the cortisone cream...anyway, the smell makes me feel unsettled now, not unpleasant, just makes me feel uneasy. Sad.

BK (or you can now call me nige) xx

PPPS bought Fay Ripley's cookbook, seems lovely, simple recipes with simple ingredients. Made a chicken, orange and ginger casserole, was a lovely, summery dish.

bezzy in charge of cottage cooking.

I'm in carge of bunting.

Yay, Bezzy's back! I really missed you!

Bee, have a hug from me. Nothing more, just a big hug. Tree is so wise in what she says. And we have had double trouble this year, both of us... Can see why adoption doesn't make sense in your circumstances. And I also get the whole sticking plaster thing. Sticking plasters over gaping wounds - they are going to bleed, sometimes, aren't they!?

Bezzy, I am absolutely addicted to the Fay book. I recommend: the brownies (naughty!), the chicken in mint and yoghurt, the haddock with creamy cheese sauce, the chicken with broad beans and rice, the lamb chops with pea mash, and the bolognaise sauce. And so simple. Was the ginger and orange chicken casserole worth trying? I have my eye on the salmon pizza.

Well, another pregnant colleague this morning. Only I am not jealous because it has taken her two years and medical investigations etc. Just like I wouldn't be jealous of any of you - somehow I'm okay with people who've earned their stripes with their own pain and can be genuinely so happy for them. Just - everyone does seem to be pregnant at the mo.

Trying to meal plan for our holiday. Any ideas we're off to a cottage, doubt it will have my dazzling array of food mixers and processors and le Creuset. And DD is a bit fussy - loves chicken and fish, okay with pork and mince, potatoes, but tricky with veg... any suggestions gratefully received. Am going to roast a chicken the first day, then make risotto the next day...

Hugs to GU - you've gone quiet???

Just realized what I wrote about being happy for people who are pregnant and hve had a hard time - implies I'm not for others - of course I am on one level, but on another I feel resentful. I am not a nice person at the mo.

Cantdo, I absolutely get what you mean about pregnant women. It doesn't feel like it should be right or good to feel like this, but it's just the way it is for now. I'm happy for you that your period is here finally. Such a sad reminder, but so necessary to get us back in the rhythm of the cycle.

Bezzy - waves madly - hello hope your Mum's visit is going well. So lovely to have you back.

Tree, Busy, Euls, and everyone else, thanks for your comments on my post. So lucky to be able to share and moan here amongst such wise and lovely friends. I haven't written to my 'mass' email friend yet. Feeling a bit gutless, but I think I will try and word something soon.

• ah, this is a very comfy sofa - can we make it real? It's not beyond the realms of possibility, is it?

Have just noticed your name change growingout.

Have looked at it about 15 times before seeing it Must get more sleep.

It's sunny so am sitting in the cottage garden this morning on a deckchair. Who's been baking? I can offer a rather crispy dalek cookie made by ds1? Hmm maybe not. BTW can the cottage be nearer me, maybe the Lake District?

Busier - as I understand it (and am not an expert on this) most people cope with immediate grief better. Because as you say they are closer to their loss and because there is more support from people around them. It is actually the period after that it can hurt more as you move away from the point of loss and have to find something to replace that, and others forget and so don't offer the same level of support. Does that make sense?! Hurray for your holiday, I hope you can de-stress and have time to think over the last few awful months.

Oh poor 7 year old you, tree. All I can say you don't seem sad now.

Welcome back bezzy and just a hello to everyone else I have missed. I am horribly busy, the house is a tip after kids being off 2 weeks and I want to tidy it up for ds1's birthday Sunday. This weekend ds2 has a party with his wee friend on Sat, the village BBQ in the evening and on Sunday meeting family in park by bandstand (with band!) with picnic, sparkling wine etc and presents. There is a huge glasshouse the band can go to and lots of seats etc so can do it all inside if it rains. Then taking ds1 to cinema for birthday treat. Whew!

Enjoy the sun folks. xxx

Eulalia
It does sound very lovely where you are - maybe we should have the cottage there. Am very attracted by the bandstand with REAL LIVE BAND!
Yes - that makes sense re grief. I am always loathe to use the word as somehow feel it should be reserved for people who have lost a loved one , a family member but grief is broad.
To be closer in time to the loss maybe offers at least a connection to the experience - I sometimes feel as if it never happened yet am left with the emotional scars still.
Sun out here too but rain on way apparently.
Boo.

Hello all, What's everyone up to today? I'm trying to do a very dull job which leaves me wandering through the threads on MN instead.

It's not raining here yet.

Hi everyone!

It's monsoon-like here - took forever to return from work, even though I sneaked out early. Boohoo. Need to start getting sorted as we go away on Sat. I am wondering how I will manage without my addiction to this thread.... (!)as I will be Internetless.

Eulalia, your weekend sounds action packed - fun!

Brightonbaby, would love to make it real. Someone asked me today at work 'why do you only have one child?' which I thought was odd anyway, given she's only 2 and I'm 33 and as far as they knew wouldnt have fertility problems, but how rude.... anyway you lot get it, don't you?!

Off in search of painkillers (did I REALLY say I wanted to start bleeding...????)...

Hello all

I see that I didn't miss much here today, also got caught in horror traffic jam while on my way home from Clarks Village (outlet spot near Bristol) had fab shopping spree on a budget. Got DD beautiful Joules duffel coat, looks v cute in it. Not to mention, numerous tops for self and a jacket.

Aaaah the healing properties of retail therapy.

Having a lovely time with Mum, but in fact been a pretty horrible few days. Capt C has been told he has to re-apply for his job. Not good. Here's hoping he gets it, otherwise I need rethink my shopping habits.

My sister has also found out that her husband has been having an affair (not the first time has a love child in the US after a business trip working away, kid now 13) she took him back after previous episode but now discovered he's been at it again. SUCH a tragedy, they've been married for 20 years (she's 41) and has 2 kids (19 and 17) she's coming to visit this weekend. Any ideas of the 'right thing to say'?

I'm enjoying being busy, but still thinking lots about 'everything' actually glad I'm not pregnant at the moment, think I need to focus on sister.

Where you off to for your hols Cant? and where is it you live again, sorry, it's slipped my mind.

How you enjoying the hols so far BB? Got anything good planned? Would love to see you down here in Bristol, if you fancied a couple of days escapism and shopping (and frantic mojito drinking)

Love to all, have been thinking about Shangrila, hope you're coping ok.

BK xxxxxxxx

Hello Cantdo and Brighton Girl
The heavens have opened here too and lightning striking.
Are you sure you can not get online on holiday somehow or other? Mostly i do seem to find a way when I am away - I do not want to think of this thread without you. Having said that I am going to Suffolk on Monday with the boys and a friend of their's for 5 days and will not have a connection either.
Anyone else going to be in that neck of the woods?
My big boy had his leaving disco tonight - so sweet - and tomorrow is his leaving 'graduation'. When he started at that school, my husband had only just moved out. I was a wreck I now realise; yet am still here and stronger and wiser I like to think.
I talk about you nutters often in my therapy session - and the loyalty, camaraderie and support we share here. Is invaluable.
Are you going away BB? Or are you holidaying Brighton Style?
hugs to you both
xxxxxxx

Checking in with some news...

First of all, the most massive of thanks for the wonderful thoughts and messages over the past week. You have all been so incredibly supportive. It's like an extended family - without the competition!

I took on board all that you said over the past week and it was so much appreciated. I also took on board the gentlest of nods towards 'take a look at the health of the bean if you can bear it'. And that's exactly what I did.

I did turn up for my tx appointment at the clinic, but with the most enormous amounts of wracking grief, found I couldn't do it. Couldn't live with the 'what ifs'. So I walked out and made an appointment for this week with our local superstar consultant.

To cut it short, nuchal was encouragingly low, we went straight to CVS and I got the glorious news at lunchtime that the PCR result is negative for the three main trisomies and turners. I'm totally shocked. Having had so many poor outcomes by this stage, this feels like winning a gold medal. I know that there are still no guarantees, but this result in itself means all the world to me.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to try again for sleep. Just had to let you all know. I promise to read the thread tomorrow and catch up with all your news then. You are wonderful, you know!

xxxxxx to all.

HURRAH SHANGRILA!!!! I am so happy for you. You must feel utterly dazed... in a good way.... this seems to be a lucky thread, despite its terrible origins!

Bezzy, horrible news about your sister and Captain C. How likely is it that he wouldn't get his job if he reapplied? given all the hours he works, surely he wouldn't be first in any queue to go!
And your sister - poor her. I have no experience of infidelity and no idea what to say... other than just listen and proffer wine... or mojitos....!

The shopping sounds great though.

As for really meeting up in the cottage - would love to - but we are quite geographically distant! I'm up north, for anyone likely to pass by (OK, VERY unlikely!!!).

Chucking it down today - DD and I will be spending the day in the house, playing.

PS. Where's Katerina? Hope you are okay sweetie.

And Pelvic - we're thinking of you.