support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Hey Bee. x

Cantdo - do you think the stress is keeping your period away? How do you cope on such little sleep?! And still find time for us all here, you are a marvel.

I meant to type more yesterday but got caught up in a dispute between the kids. Eldest gone for a sleepover so picking him up at lunchtime.

GU - how is the family today?

BB- have you been camping yet, or is it next weekend? I am still rather half half heartedly taking folic acid (forget most days). I think we've probably missed the boat for this month, dh wasn't feeling too good this weekend. I don't think I have the energy to think about more babies especially with the risks and been doing a lot of thinking about my motivation towards TTC anyway.

Sigh. So have you made a definite decision? Sorry if being nosy.

Oh yes here's something funny. ds2 has a strange speech development. He can't say words that start with 's', particularly the 'st' sound, usually changes it to a 'd' and rather oddly puts the 's' onto the end of the word. So

straw = draws
start = darts
stop - dops
stroke - drokes
stay = days, also
spoon = boons
smell = mells

Have got used to it now but has been difficult trying to decipher what he means.

Yesterday was out and he came running up with a large stick in his hand and said....

"Mummy I've got a big dicks!"

Hi Eul
No have not made a decision at all. The not taking FA seems to be happening to me rather than me choosing to. It is subconscious I guess. Am feeling more and more detached and more and more protective of the family I have. My chances are so high. People freak out when given odds of one in ten AFTER their CVS. Mine is that high before it. I genuinely do not know how I would cope with it. I am coping with my life now. I suffer from anxious spots but I am coping and dare I say, mostly am happy. Happy enough.
So to think that my life would be interupted by such misery again...
But of course, what if is big with me too.
It is why I feel so for Shangrila.
I so see her trauma and agony.
Off to see school play - then more work
Bye for now y'all
Beeeee

Boohoo - wrote big message earlier and the computer ate it. By which I mean I pressed something, but not sure what...

Just to clarify - I am not a mad insomniac - DD is a terrible sleeper, and I am always up with her. Just so you aren't imagining me sitting hollow-eyed and sad at nights. Instead imagine me trying to cajole a small girl waving Lala (Teletubby) and asking for juice, crisps, toast, cheerios, books, teddies, etc, to lie down and go back to sleep...

Gu, how was today in the end?

Bee/Eulalia - I sense your ambivalence over trying again. I understand it even though I am in a different place. I suppose you need time for the dust to settle from the trauma before you fully decide either way. And Bee - if you decide to you can always go back onto the folic acid, can't you? I don't know. Usually I am full of opinions but this is such a subjective thing, you have to decide this one and it's probably a gut decision as much as a rational one.

For me - I desperately want to try again although it scares me half to death. Not trying yet though as pesky period still hasn't come (38 days now). I am going on holiday next week, maybe that will tempt it back?! Fingers crossed. OK today, more even keel.

On another topic - anyone tried online delivery, and if so, which supermarket would you recommend/not? Ocado don't deliver here so it's basically Sainsbury, Tesco or Asda. Am used to shopping at Tesco and Sainsburys so either would work.

Anyone for a brownie? Choc brownie with Galaxy chips - pure yumminess.
Hi everyone else - Bezzy you're unusually silent - are you okay?

I am having a bad day.
Arranged babysitter - my lodger - got up the road and then walked home whilst LM goes to meet people we knew at university.
Felt stressed with all there is to do, worn out and teary.
Now feel have let him down and not prioritised us and wish had gone.
Silly neurotic bee.

Sainsbury works for me, I wish I could afford/justify Ocado.
thank you for words GU. I just can not do it today. Need to have a bath, little cry, lie on sofa, go to bed. That's all I can manage.
Saw a friend today who has been very poorly with burst appendix. Two weeks ago now it happened. All surrounded by love and flowers and wishes. Is obviously suffering from post trauma- having been so close to death - and is very frail.
I felt 'But this is how I have been feeling. But nobody knew. Nobody knew'.
I think this is what has set me off.
How close I am still to my trauma - how fragile the skin is that covers the wound.

Still we were at least only going for a curry GU. Shakespeare? My oh my. I would not have made it to the first scene. Well done to you.

Oh Bee. Cloudy day for you. Huge hugs, they do just creep up these grey days.
Thats why our thread is great - everyone knows and gets it. And still will in a year, if need be.
Take it easy and recharge - you have been really busy you know. It's bound to take its toll, and we know what tiredness does when we have gone through trauma. Tiredness lets it in, it lets the trauma get bigger.

GU - how is the family? Hows the 'flu?

Cant - I'm really glad you said that about sleep. I had alarm bells going off as I wondered if you were describing early wakening, which can be a sign of depression. So am glad to hear you crave your bed like I do
We can't get Ocado or Sainsbury - so I get Asda. I have a hate/hate relationship with Tesco as teh one in our town is the most depressing pit anywhere. A small organic farm shop in a town about 20 miles away does free delivery every Thursday, Oh to be able to afford their stuff. I can't spend £1.80 on an avacado though.

Huge waves to all, especially Shangrilla, and also BBaby, daftbat and Llins and ginga and all out there, regulars, previous posters and lurkers.

Hello Tree tops
Have sent you a wee email tonight.
And Ginga - sorry have not welcomed you properly - i do hope you are feeling less sorrow. Hold on tight to your precious newborn.
Bee xx

Aw Bee. You're a star.

I didn't proof read before I replied, sorry Miss Bee

Oh Bee, that happens. And I so know what you mean about the hidden trauma. It is like a wound that will never properly heal, will just be bandaged up enough to keep going. Except we LOOK normal, as though nothing has happened. LM will understand.

Has anyone heard from Bezzy? is she okay?

DD's little friend is coming for the day to play today. I'm excited. I love watching them play together.

Thanks for the supermarket feedback. I get a Riverford veggie box every week - my supermarket shop is for cereal, bread, nappies, biscuits, etc. Looks like any of the three available will be fine! Will probably go for Tesco as I'll get Clubcard points...

OK, hope today is better, Bee, and you get a rest.

GU - I did the Tempest at school, and would gladly never see it again. I did like the line about the world being infested with lots of little Calibans, or whatever it was. The best Shakespeare I've seen were the tragedies - Antony and Cleopatra, and Othello. I went to sleep during All's well that ends well once!!!

where are you Bezzy?
Hope you are just a Busy Bezzy and not a sad one.
Hugs to you if you are
I have my last two proper days of work for a month - today and tomo.
Thank Gawd for that.
Have a lovely day with the tots Cantdo - wish i was coming too
Have a good day to GU and Tree and Eulalia and BB and everyone else and of course an enormous HELLO to my lovely LINSPINS who is on holiday somewhere. Kisses.
Beeeeeeeeeee

Oh and Tree you are so right about tiredness magnifying the trauma. Very interesting. And I'd never realized that before.

Bee - hurrah! Glad you get a break, and some rest...

BB - it sounds like you are stressed with too much on your plate, its always crazy at the end of term. Apart from the camping what else are you planning for your holiday? And your friend, it is hard, your pain is just as great but people aren't around to offer flowers and sympathy and unlike an appendix it doesn't really heal properly. Hope today is better for you.

Cantdo - has dd always been a bad sleeper? I hope she does improve as she gets older, she is what 2? A difficult age. Yes please to chocolate brownie!

How is everyone else, it is quiet here?

If I can indulge myself in a ramble?. I think I have come to some sort of acceptance of things. Have been thinking a lot about my life, what a want out of it and my responsibilities towards my family. Indeed most of my adult life has been bound up in children, either thinking about them in early 20s although put on hold due to disaster first marriage, studies and work, then having them and now moving away from that. It is about 20 years, nearly half of my life. I think the last pregnancy sort of shook me up because 2 things happened, first of all I got pregnant and whilst not wanting the baby initially part of me was proud I was still fertile and then of course when the results came through it was a cruel blow to my self esteem. If I hadn?t gotten pregnant then I would have just drifted away from babies in a much more calm and easy way. I actually thought that?s how it would work as ds2 was supposed to be my last and I fully prepared myself for that, giving away maternity clothes etc. So why didn?t I take adequate precautions, I don?t know, maybe a small part of me wasn?t totally against another baby, but as I didn?t think I was fertile anyway I kind of let my body make the decision for me. Foolish me. However have learned a lesson from it all. As for more babies, I just don?t know, the motivation is wrong. I remember when I got the results though, sobbing and looking at this photo on the wall of my 3 kids all together in the bath and thinking ?no I don?t have room in the bath for another one? I think the bath sort of represented the boundaries of physically and emotionally what I could cope with. So I don?t actually think it?s a good idea to have another baby (even assuming I could). It?s just a horrible way to end my life with babies but I?ve got to accept that and move on. In time I won?t think so much of that last episode of furtively leaving the hospital alone in the dark. I will remember the babies, the light (it was always light as my children are Spring/Summer babies), being with dh and each time carrying a new child. I?ll never forget leaving the hospital with newborn ds2 and the midwife looking at him and saying that clichéd phrase ?life begins at 40? but meaning ds2 life as well as my own 40th just two weeks after that.. Memories don?t come in order so I will remember the happy times clearly too.

I think once I get ds1?s birthday past ? the 10th birthday is something of a landmark, then ds2 end of the month and my own birthday next month and of course the due date which is one day before my birthday!... then I can take stock. And you are right BB I am really enjoying watching the kids grow up, learning to swim, ride their bikes, their proud faces, dd doing her knitting and her charming and poignant diary entries, laughing till I ached with ds1 making captions for silly holiday photos. Ds1 and ds2 together on the sofa, with arms around each other?. I have so much to be thankful for and I am, and I will be.

Sorry for the very long post, I realise it is very personal but it does help to write it down and I already feel better just putting it down on ?paper?. Hooray for this thread and its therapeutic influence on us all . xxxx

Hello everyone, you lovely ladies thank you for keeping this thread going...it's a place of sun and solace for me.

I'm here ...in between trying to get on with some temporary work I have at the moment. Thankfully, I can do it from home. I still find it hard to venture out and about...lovely of you to say, Cantdo, that I always seem to doing something fun. I am trying. It's just that the walk in to town (where the fun is and most of my friends are!) takes me directly past the abortion clinic...and the lights at the crossroads take forever, thus forcing me to spend about 4 minutes just in that spot, waiting for the traffic to pass. ??Why does this always happen?? and ??why do I have to live so nearby??

Busier, how are you feeling today? I think it sounds like you did the right thing, turning back the other night, as you were feeling stressed and sad. You need to think about yourself in all this and in turn, your LM will be helped, if you are taking care of yourself. If you are worn out, you must rest. You haven't let anyone down. We can't always be superwomen.

...and I so feel for you with your friend who had the burst appendix, surrounded by love and flowers and wishes. It does bring it all to the fore and it's so difficult keeping it all inside. The feelings have to come out somehow.

GU, our resident chocolate pud, what a horrendous weekend you've had. Hope your family are feeling better now? Any news?

Ah, Eulalia, I've just read your post. Your family sound beautiful and it's wonderful that you feel in a place of acceptance. It's the hardest thing to do, but we have to remember the happier times.

Love to everyone.

I dream of us all hiring a cottage somewhere for a night, a weekend perhaps and meet there for cake, wine, music and picnics by a river. -sigh-

Damnit. One of my closest and oldest friends just sent around a mass email to everyone with photos of her and her bump at 22 weeks. I opened it, literally seconds, after I just posted and it has really upset me. I would have been 23 weeks now.

She knows what happened to us. She was one of the few people we told early about the pregnancy, because we were so excited to be at almost exactly the same stage of pregnancy (we didn't confer on this, it was just a beautiful coincidence!).

However, after everything, isn't it inconsiderate and unfeeling of her to keep me on the 'mass' mail list, especially when she keeps saying how the doctors comment on how healthy and successful her pregnancy is. Why can't she take me off the mass email list and send me a sensitive, personal email instead. I'm so hurt. How could she possibly think that I wouldn't be? There she is standing so proudly with her bump. I feel awful and I feel awful for feeling awful about it. I want to be a good friend to her, especially at this important time in her life, but I'm beginning to feel if I'm not getting the same back, then I shouldn't be bothered anymore.

Are you wonderful, kind women the only ones in my life who can relate? Can no-one in RL understand? Even our closest friends?

Hi ladies

Brightonbaby, I went to a hospital rather than an abortion clinic but I hate passing it; I get the most sinking feeling in my tummy. I feel I never want to go back, so I know how you feel. Oh and about your friend - TACTLESS is not the word. When I was pregnant with DD a friend had a year earlier lost a baby at 20 weeks and was TTC again, and finding other people's pregnancies really hard to take. I was terrified to tell her and tried to be as tactful as possible, not going on about it (luckily for me she got pregnant just a couple of months after me). But I told one friend I considered to be a close friend about the baby I lost at 13 weeks, and she firstly said 'I am so lucky, I had my DCs first time of trying and they are perfect... and I know I could easily have more' (ahem - no - we NEVER know that; this I do now know) and when a mutual friend got pregnant with her third DC one week after I lost my baby, she texted me saying 'isn't it fantastic news about X, doesn't it make you feel broody?' ???? People just don't think: they don't understand but also they don't stop and think.

Phew what an essay! Eulalia, I really enjoyed reading your post. Acceptance sounds like a good place to be, and you are so right that memories don't come chronologically. What matters now are your three DC and your family. Does that mean you stop taking folic acid and start preventing conception, or are you still going to wait and see?

Am nowhere near acceptance.

I wish we could hire a cottage and get together for a night - it would be fantastic, Brightonbaby...

HI all.

BBaby - I'm really sorry about the email you recieved. It was totaly insensitive of your fried, though perhaps well intentioned. She maybe wanted to keep you in the loop and not exclude you, but as you say - you needed a seperate email with some kind words and gentle joy. Its crap mate, no one has any idea. Lucky them.

Same to you Cant. They don't get it, and hopefully never will.

Sigh.

Eulalia - wow. Such wise wise words and a very settled soul, to be able to accept and embrace your fate. Not easy to do at all. A peaceful soul is a wonderful thing, and though you [any of us] may have moments/days/times where we have wobbles, an overall acceptance of fate is an amazing thing to have. It's a tough cookie to get hold of though - so you have my admiration.

Does anyone know how pelvicflawed is? Or how her story went?

I too am signing up for the cottage - I would so very much like to meet you all. Is is a total fantasy?
Brighton B - you are not wrong to be angry and hurt - I am not even sure it was well intentioned , sorry if I sound harsh, my opinion would be that it was thoughtless. And we can all be thoughtless. But no one can know the trauma you have been through - I wonder if sometimes others see it as a sort of unfortunate accident rather than the deeply troubling, upside down world turning event that it is.
Your time will come honey. Stay small and safe and confide here where we know.
Eulalia- I too was moved by your post. And impressed with your journey to acceptance. I am not there yet but am certainly less sure of conceiving - more for me it is the terrible, terrible wrongness of my wonderful man not being a daddy. He wants it so very badly. But I hope you stay longtime with us.

Tree- I have not heard from Pelvic but i think of her every time I sign on - I really do. God the hardship.
Cantdo - you too have suffered enormously and I sense the isolation and small ness. Small is fine and necessary and good for us I think.
I really wish the small cottage by the beach were an option - it would be surreal and strangely familiar all at the same time.
Ladies - you are gentle and lovely souls.
Glad you are here
Bee xxxxxxxxxxx
Ps Beeeezzzzzzy? Where are you sugar and are you recovering from your weekend?

Oh Busier you are so right. Not an accident but the whole world shaking at its foundations. Actually I see it as a bit like stepping through a lookingglass, like Alice in Wonderland, only entering a nightmarish realm of risk statistics and diagnoses and anonymized white rooms and professionals patting my arm and giving me tissues and being gentle, and, later, when the procedures are over, disbelief and pain and feeling like you're in a different place from which the world looks different. Only we look the same as before, so nobody realizes we've changed place. In this new world we know that it's impossible to say what you would do when presented with a baby with abnormalities; that getting pregnant is terrifying as well as exciting; and so on.

Have you come to any decisions, Busier? does your LM want you to try again?

Well, spark of lightness from here - period has come. Hurrah. 40 days since I lost Stella. I can't explain what a relief it was to see it had come.

Take care ladies. Let's turn this thread into our cosy cottage, with wine and brownies....