support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Hii everyone. Glad Lins is doing OK. Somehow, knowing her and GU are pregnant helps me look to the future with hope - if not for me: I'd like them to have a happy ending, if you know what I mean? I'd like you all to, TBT, but one day at a time...

My period came yesterday and I'm bleeding like never before (sorry to be so graffic): I know just how you feel, can't but I hate bleeding at the best of times and now it just seems to be a bloody kick in the teeth - a reminder I may be fertile, I'm just not allowed to try it out. B@stards!!!

Hospital rang tonight to see if my letter was a complaint or letter of disatisfaction. I said I didn't care as long as they promised never to treat anyone else so badly again. Then I snivvelled down the phone. Oh well, small steps!

Was sports day today: was knackered and prayed for rain (even got a load of washing put on the line as that usually makes it tip down! ) but not to be. So I went. Had to be there for DD1. Nice to see her and talk to RL grown ups.

Hope all the retail thereapy is working - be it for bras, pins (to disble condoms!), alcohol, chocolate, cashmere or bubble bath

Love and hugs to all.

Daftie xx

I am still laughing about Mr Condom too. Good we can find humour somewhere...

I am quite resilient, actually. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt an awful lot. And the hard part is trying not to let it affect everything, and trying not to just obsess about getting pregnant again...

Daft, my first period after the last loss was very much like you describe. It came quite soon after the procedure - 3 1/2 weeks - the consultant kept saying would be 4-8 weeks. I don't know when this next one will come for me but I presume there will be some kind of gap in which I don't bleed... then again last time I ended up at the GP cos I bled on and off for ages... poor you and hope it lightens a bit soon.

Let's all try to imagine happy endings/beginnings for all of us, and maybe we will get them!

Glad you bit brighter Canto- it is amazing what the human spirit can endure isn't it?
I sense you may be one of the long term committed like me and Bezzy and GU and Tree. We are fully signed up Mumsnetters.
Washing on line, case not packed, rain on way.
Me on mumsnet.Hmmmmmm.

Morning!

I have belly ache

Where you off to Bee?

daftbat - I guess they will take it as a letter not-complaint, I think that means they can keep it inhouse. Well done on making sports day, it can take superhuman effort to pretend to be normal when what you want to do is lie down where you are stood and go to sleep, or grab a megaphone and announce that everything is not OK and why is everyone carrying on as if nothing happened.

Much love.

Morning tree, I hope the bellyache is getting better - have you been able to have a hot bath or sit cuddling a hot water bottle?

And BIG thanks for being there for us . You seem to give so much and get so little in return.

Been and spent a fortune on 'cotton products' as my DH euphamistically calls them. Didn't think I'd be needing those for a while.... Thank god for BOGOF offers! talking of God, how are you doing today, GU?

Hope the packing is finally underway BB and that you have a fantastic time where-ever you are going.

Hope today is less cloudy for you, can'tdo: in every sense of the word. And that you are being kind and gentle to yourself (and your DH) floored.

Love and hugs to everyone else. DB xxx

No thanks needed here at all - you are the ones going through this.

Bellyache continues, but mumsnet has taken mind off a bit. And some pretty full on medication. Off to so school run in pouring rain and fog. Yak!

Hello All

No lingerie purchased yet, however...purchased more molton brown, was on 'promotion' (apparently they NEVER use the term 'sale' too low class!)

My period STILL all over the show, between 3 and 4 weeks between cycles and seems to last FOREVER. Bled for around 6 days and now yacky stuff for another 3 days...ggrrr....

Need to go to gym for swim and shower as still has no bathroom, is turning into drama as they keep finding problems that need fixing before they can continue...

Hope you feel better soon Tree

BK x

BTW DH will now be known as Mr C

Hi all

Hope Tree and Daft are feeling better...

Don't mention bleeding to me! I feel like it'll never end. It's not red anymore (TMI - sorry) - and it's very light, almost not there, but it is there.
Bezzy - my periods were like that last time, well the first two were, then it went normal again.

Had a nice day but despite it felt sad. I know it's normal to be sad. It is just very difficult to not be sucked in by it...

Hi all, I'm back. Thanks Bezzy, for mentioning me and prompting me to write again. I've loved reading all the recent messages.

I've just been really low and sad this past week. I thought going away would have helped, but it didn't... because I had to come back! Everything here feels more potent, I guess because there is hectic lives and babies etc all around...just look out the window at the busy road and the school opp. In France, it was quiet, long wine-filled meals with childless friends stopped me from becoming self-absorbed.

This week, I felt I was falling, a little more each day. If left alone for a second, I'd get out my scan photos and cry, or put on the baby carrier (madness is coming, I know!) and imagine using it and I let hours pass by feeling totally numb. Then, I sort of saved myself, by opening up to OH a bit and when a friend asked me how I was, I said, 'awful, just awful' instead of the usual 'I'm ok' and we talked about it for a bit which helped. She's has a councillor background, so asked all the right questions and made all the right noises at the right times.

Well, enough about me. I'm still reading everyone's news.

Cantdo, I thought about you so much over this past week, how it all comes at once and it put my recent self-absorbtion into perspective.

Busier, hope you enjoy your break away...you must have left already

Bezzy, I missed the Mr C thing, are you persuading your DH to try again? I'm waiting for my period, but when it comes, the pins will be out!

Lins and GU, yes I'm so happy to hear about your pgs, it gives hope.

Tree, hope your belly ache gets better soon.

GU, are you a vicar? Sorry, I'm only 4 weeks on here and missed a lot of messages. I'm going to my friend's ordination next week.

Love and hugs to all and everyone I've missed out. Brightonbaby x

Oh brightonbabe, it's such early days for you. And I fully know what you mean about coming back to reality, we did a similar thing. Almost like you can ignore it while you're not at home. In fact we got the news that baby was T21 while in Center Parcs, it was a Wed, yet decided to stay on until the Friday as there was nothing we could do at home other than go a little bit more crazy. Literally, came home, had the termination, then went away again. i couldn't face being at home.

I do promise though, that though it seems impossible, the sun does shine again. Numerous people told me that, and I just couldn't believe it. (in fact when we first received the news, I couldn't be alone, was PETRIFIED of Mr C going back to work as feared I'd just fall to pieces) but I didn't, and now, here I am, sense of humour still in tact. It's amazing what we can go through, when we just have to.

The talk of the 'pins' makes me wonder if Lins' name isn't in fact about her fabulous legs....hmmm...Lins if you're out there reading this, please clarify! he he just kidding, hope you're feeling ok and that the weeks are whizzing by for you.

I think this weekend, is the weekend we discuss TTC. As you say Cant, Mr C and I are both in this relationship, and while I'd never deviously fall pregnant, my needs need to be considered too...will keep you all posted.

I'm glad to see that this mornings rain was a temporary blip and that the sun is shining again.

Anyway, 40 mins until DDs bedtime, which = 40 mins to wine time!

Love
BK xx

Hi Brightonbaby - glad you're back. Ignore me if you don't want to answer - but have you decided when to reschedule your wedding for? That might give you something a bit happy to stop you falling apart. Glad you can talk to RL people - you're doing better than me in that sense...

Bezzy - I think your DH is scared of how both of you will be when you get pregnant again. And he doesn't really get that you are already that scared now and just want to get on with it. Think you need to emphasize that - it isnt as though you're happy now and being pregnant would jeopardize that - you're yearning to be pregnant again, even if you have got back to smiling etc.
(How you can smile without a bathroom is beyond me...!).

Anyone doing anything nice this w/end?

Oh and any comments on the tennis?

Afraid I've not seen any tennis today Cant.

I think what you say about Mr C is very true, but it's so difficult trying to bring up the topic without him getting all aggro.

As for the bathroom, if I weren't smiling I think I'd be wailing! My bath was ripped out on Tuesday, and not due to be replaced until late next week. On the bright side, the tiles are looking lovely and will go v well with posh towels and soap! Will all be worth the wait. The bath we had, was the original from when the house was built...in 1930....

No major plans for the weekend, (badly needed) haircut tomorrow, and if the weather's good lounging in the garden.

BK x

Bezzy, good luck with your talk with Mr C. I said to my OH, the other day, that I didn't feel I could be truly happy (at peace) until I was pg again. He went through the roof...well, looked very concerned...and said that happiness shouldn't hang in the balance on something like that as you're setting yourself up for disappointment/worse.

I tried to clarify and what I think I felt/feel is that I just feel hungry...all the time...and unless I'm distracted with tv, holidays, work, friends, alcohol (sometimes does the opposite though!) I always come back to that hunger. It's not a hunger for happiness, or for something that I 'think' will make me happy, it's actually just literally a hunger for being pg itself, the magic of growing a baby. It really does feel empty inside my stomach. I only had an inkling of being pg, and I loved it, and I want it back. I want her back inside me. I never thought I'd actually dislike having a flat stomach this much!!

Cantdo, I don't mind you asking at all. It's just that I don't feel like re-booking the wedding just yet... have been dragging my feet on that score. Now my parents think we were only getting married because I was pg! But that's another story!! The real reason is that the wedding is still all wrapped up with the abortion and loss (happened on the same day..almost at the same time). Although, I know that's silly and I don't want to let that thought grow too much, because I do want to have a happy wedding eventually. I'm just waiting for a little more distance between the two events (in my head).

Plans this weekend..just out with friends tomorrow night. Drive/pub lunch in the countryside on Sunday. Lovely

I'm going out for a run now. Very difficult to get moving...but it's lovely out...nobody post until I'm gone or I'll be tempted to stay!

It should be safe - brightonbaby will be running...

Hi brightonbaby, I think I was away when you joined our little corner of mumsnet. I'm really sorry about what has happened to you, and sorry you have had a hard week. Just to reassure you it's ok to come here if you are really really struggling. It's also ok to not come.
Am so sad for you, in the house with your misery, and the scan photos. These are hard times. It seems to get...not easier....the others here have....what? Got used to it? No. Maybe got used to the feelings.

I hope your run was good for the soul.

growingup - purchase some yummy Molton Brown. The scents are very subtle and gentle and very very scrummy. Can't aford myself, but once had a bottle as a gift and it really leaves a gentle scent to the skin. I wont say smell, as if they don't do 'sale' I doubt they'll do smell!
Bezzy - had no bath here for 6 months, then no shower for 6 months. Now have both, and floor covering and lights. Such luxury. Even have some Cherry Blossom [obsession of mine] wallpaper to one wall and tiles where required.

How are you doing cant?

Waves to all out there. Huggs to BB.
Skirting boards and we are there...except for a bit of wall that needs plastering .

Bezzy, why don't you try what someone (was it GU?) suggested - tell DH how you feel and say you also understand how he feels and suggest if he doesn't want to talk about it now that you would like to fix a date when you DO discuss it, eg in a month's time... compromise...

Brightonbaby, I feel the same sort of emptiness. I did last time too. And I worry that I am falling into what your DP says about basing happiness on a baby. Except DD helps me with that because she is here and needs me. And I feel guilty for thinking she isn't enough and I don't want to be sad during her toddler years. God it's complicated, isn't it?! Anyway good luck with your TTC once the first period has passed [warning - that period might be nastily heavy - mine was last time - it convinced me it would be a bad idea to TTC before having a period as the heaviness implied to me things werent quite back to normal].

As for the wedding, yes, do it when you're ready.

How come it's sunny where you all are? It's foggy and rainy here. Boo-hiss, though we have had a sunny week. I am about to pour myself a glass of vino to watch the Wimbledon highlights.

Hi everyone else!

Hi Tree, crossposted. I have never bought Molton Brown - another thing to try...

I am okay. Sad but I am okay.

Cant for you too. Thick fog, mist sea fret and various other ways of being damp here too. Pretty standard Yorkshire coast weather. You are stout in heart to be ok but sad. Accepting this is very strong of you, and I think must give you a certain peace and calm. Even if it is peaceful saddness.

Enjoy tennis - am meant to be baking with some rhubarb and gooseberries I have but now tempted by cuppa and wimbledon......

Thanks Can't for your advice, patience and support. I'm not sure how you're so kind when you're still so sad yourself. You're a good person.

Sorry to have started thread obsession with the Molton....it is on promo at the moment (thai vert handsoap and hand lotion for £19.99) and as BB said, it's pretty concentrated, so actually pretty good value, and it makes my downstairs loo smell gorgeous. The scent lingers (unlike other scents that linger around there)

Am promised will have operational bathroom next weekend, here's hoping...

Mr C not my friend, we'll be having 'other' discussions this weekend too...ggrrr...

BK x

Morning all, that's our holiday started, kids are now off for the next 7 weeks - eeek!

Brighton - welcome back, it sounds like you had some sort of peace while away, but yes it all has to be faced and the grief let out. Everything you say and what you are doing is so normal. It is different for you as this was your first child and cruel that it had to happen to you this way. I quite agree with the distance between these events and the wedding. Don't let anyone else bug you into doing it before you are ready.

Oh bezzy, not much more I can add. Your dd sounds a real joy but like others have said you rightly need to try again. The thing is delaying trying doesn't make things any easier. Have you got any more hospital appointments coming up your dh could come with you and perhaps if your he hears it from a professional it might make him come to a decision?

BB - your weekend sound heavenly! You do seem a little calmer and yes the kids keep you going. I am never sad in front of mine. I am finding my eldest so much fun just now. Our favourite silly thing is me reading him nursery stories (he is nearly 10!) but with an ironic twist, ie Mrs Bear is such a bad cook and Mr Bear couldn't wait for someone to come into the house to eat the horrid lumpy porridge. We both end up in fits of giggles... Anyway I digress. Any more word about going along the pre-implantation route? I guess you need to decide quite soon?

Pelvic - big hugs, you must still be very sore.

And you can't do, its still only been a few weeks, have you done any more baking recently?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just bake a huge batch of cakes and we could all just meet somewhere for a lovely picnic, beside a river with a large tree we can sit under (I of course think of you tree, protecting us). Maybe we could have a virtual picnic one day this summer?

Anyway I must get on the open cases beckon me and everyone else is still sleeping so thought I'd do some packing in peace. Sorry I've not had a chance to talk to everyone. Will be off very early tomorrow and away for a week and although dh will take his laptop I don't think I'll be on as having a rest from the computer. All the best to the growing babes.

bye all, much love xxxx

Hi Eulalia, how come your children finish school so early?
Just remembered: you're in Scotland...

Bezzy, I wonder if your Mr C has anyone to talk to. My DH is feeling a bit isolated through this - he joined SANDS but says it's mostly women posting. There is a gap in the market for a space for men who've been through this to talk virtually - must be easier when they don't have to talk face to face... Anyway I felt for him, because I have you lot and he is more alone. Did you talk to him in the end?

Happy holiday Eulalia! Sounds lovely. As does your reading with your son.

Tree - my work involves a lot of pastoral care; I have gone through a lot of crises with others. Having seen 18 year olds carry on through cancer, or seeing their parents die, etc, I have learnt that supporting others is a good way of keeping going oneself. I have also learned that kicking and screaming is good monentary release but you have to learn to live with the past. But how you do that, that's the hard part.

Grey day outside today, not sure what we're doing yet... have a good day everyone, if you can.

Your correspondant from Swissland here
Just had quick scan and wanted to say ,bonjour, to Brighton Baby and that this is so very normal to feel the hunger and emptiness and loss. You are grieving love, is painful and all absorbing and very lonely. Hard for your LM to understand - they so much more rational and have not carried the baby. Being pregnant such a miracle of creation.
My LM was much better once we had talked it through with a consultant and he could see how unlikely it was to happen again - particularly for you as I seem to remember you are a young thing.
Also ARC is good for providing leaflets for them - the men.
Hard for them to feel they cannot make us happy. LM and i have had many bad moments where I am in the pit of sorrow and he looks... BEWILDERED. That is the word.

And dear Bezz - is it possible that he is scared for you, scared for himself, trying to protect you. And have you two spoken to consultant about chances of recurrence?
It will be low risk for you - and somehow for most of the women here it seems that waiting does not make you feel any better.
What a big muddle we are all in.
Don,t you guys even think about organising the picnic until me back!
Hello to PF - are you hanging in there sweetie?
Hugs to you all
from cloudy Swissland
BB

We should not tease Mr Condom- bet he super nice man
Ooh have better name even - in the superhero vain - Captain Condom!!!!!Better I think
Look what I can do on this Froggy laptop - I can write

Je suis arrivée.
Check out that accent