support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

I'm ok thanks Tree, feeling like I've moved on a lot in the last few days. Even managed to hold it together when a well meaning (and clearly not very close) friend asked me 'how's the pregnancy going?

Didn't get upset or angry, just explained that things hadn't worked out, baby was very sick etc. Poor girl was mortified.

How's everyone else?

oh Bezzyk - that must be tough. You must be feeling stronger. I'm pleased for you.

So glad to see this thread is here....wish it had been around when I went through my terminations The only people who really understand are people who have been through it themselves.

Love and good wishes to all of you x

Thank you Becaroo - it helps us to hear we are offering support where needed. Thanks for posting, but also you are very welcome to stay or re-visit if you would like a sympathetic ear.

You know what Justa, I have really missed all this stuff with your ds2. Have you a thread where I could get the low down? I hate not being able to ask as I don't really know what I'm asking about

Hi all, and a big hello to Becaroo. You're right about the only people really understanding...etc. My sister lives in france and phoned me up the week after our last termination for a chat. It was nice to speak to her but it felt like we were on different planets. And she hasn't called me since - it's not because she doesn't care, cos I know she does, - but just that she doesn't realise the awful and on-going nature of it all. So anyway, glad you have found us Becaroo, and do stick around and share with us if you would like to. xxx

Bezzy, yeah, I'm ok. Surprisingly ok most of the time, although it does make me feel pretty weary sometimes. I am a bit addicted though to checking messages on Mumsnet, - you are all very important to me! Going to go to a Sands meeting this thurs. It always feels like a weird idea before hand..going to sit in a room to talk to and probably cry in front of strangers, but I always feel better afterwards.

Ok, off to eat dinner. Probably back later!

Lins xx

Justa - how old is ds?

Llins - xxx

off for dinner too.

Thank you - what a lovely welcome. I would like to share my story with you all, but it will have to be another day when I am feeling a bit stronger! Got a nasty cold virusy type thing at the mo so not feeling on top form.

linspins I remember that feeling well....I could not relate at all to people for a while because they were just getting on with their life and doing normal things and my life seemed stuck in a painful, guilty limbo.

Anyway, will be back when I feel up to it! x

Bezzy - I'm OK I suppose. Had a pretty crap day at work got my pay packet and they had deducted £250 for being off sick for 10 days. I was nearly in tears and thought they could poke their job where the sun doesn't shine but spoke to a really nice man in HR and he explained it was a mistake as they still had me as being off sick and they would sort it out and make an emergency payment.

DH went to collect Joseph's ashes today so we have them now which brought on many tears from both of us. Not really sure what we're going to do with them. As you know you just feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster and it's exhausting. Really glad you seem to be feeling stronger though.

Becaroo - welcome, come back and see us soon.

Lins - would be interested to know how the SANDS meeting goes. Do you know how I could find out if there is one local to me?

Busier - you OK? How's work?

Marj, if you type SANDS in to Google, it'll come up with Sands as it's first suggestion. Click on it, and then select groups from the menu along the top. Then it's easy, follow the links and it'll tell you which group is nearest. I am lucky because mine is very nearby, but I guess some people have to travel quite far.
I've been before, about 6 months after I lost my first baby, but haven't been for years. Little did I ever know I would be back there again in such sad times. But my branch are very kind, and inclusive (not just for ladies that lost babies at full term without the dreaded 'choice'). They are very active with the local hospital, fundraising for special rooms for us all and creating a memorial garden at the crematorium etc. I know I have Sands to thank for the lovely 'memories' book we were given after we lost Daisy, with poems, photos and special details recorded in it.
p.s We've still got Amy's ashes..although I never intended to keep them, but to set them free...just haven't quite got round to it...maybe we will someday. 5 years on...no hurry!! I am hoping to get some from Daisy, but I can't bring myself to phone to find out, just in case they didn't manage to get any.

Bb, how is your evening going? I am off to soak bad back in the bath soon and I hope you are treating yourself similarly well after a difficult day. I have been mulling over your text message and can't find a simple answer to the whole conundrum of 'why care so much for others children but can't do it for mine.." and just think there are no simple answers. It's the most complicated thing. I think it boils down to the fact that once a child is here, you love it and care for it and fight their battles...but medical science has given us too detailed a choice with all the tests, but no concrete answers. So when presented with a problem that could be maybe-ok, but could also be terribly-not-ok, you can't look in to the future and see what will happen. And making a choice is so difficult and SO crap, but we did.
I'm so sorry you had such a hard day, but you got through it and that's one more day gone, and one step forward in to the future.

Would be up for meeting anyone who is near enough. Just say when you are ready/feel like putting a face to a (nick)name.

Hello ladies one and all
A welcome to new girl on the block -we are all here with good wishes and support and patience,
Justa - your wee boy is so.. wee still.. I know many little boys who are so much slower than girls at that age - is he interactive with you socially and verbally? Do not answer if not feeling up to it of course.
Bezzy - glad you feeling bit brighter - I definitely turned a corner after two weeks but as you can see still have dark moments of sorrow and deep reflection and loss. But they pass so much more quickly - felt so engulfed before. Now I can fall into tears and heartache but be distracted to.
I do spend an awful lot of thinking time pondering life, motherhood, responsibility, decisions, love and family. I guess this is not a bad thing necessarily.
Dearest Marj - well done honey for your emotional honesty about your depression and am so glad some small comfort to be gained here. We will meet up I think - feels right. Also to reassure you on the folic acid thing - I very much did take it with both pregnancies -so do not beat self up that this may contribute - I am sure it is much more complex.
Tree - I have shared some thoughts with you and want to continue to but felt needed to check in to mummy online rehab first here!
I am wondering about SAM and Shangrila and a woman who posted on my first sad thread ccalled nanbred.Can I be horribly self indulgent and tell you about my day?
Choruses of 'Yes bee Yes!'
My second day at work. I get up at 6 to drive one and three quarter hours to Woking -it is only 40 or so miles but I have to go through London. I do lots of pondering in the car, interspersed with listening to Radio 4 and seat dancing to Wacko Jacko and crying to the sad songs on my Jacko album.
I am feeling mostly okay but the school I am consulting in holds sad memories as do many of the places, moments and thoughts in the last six months.
It was at this school in January - whilst training 50 people or so - that i felt weak and over tired and had to ask everyone to move their chairs nearer. That night I found out I was pregnant.
Combined with this, my first Goodbye baby would have been due this Saturday.
The day starts okay. I scoot around the reading groups. I am effervescent with the gorgeous children , mostly Pakistani, and smiley and kind. I am particularly championing the needy children. I kneel down to chat to a little girl in wheelchair who am sure can read better than she thinks. She can. I am horrified when a member of staff is snappy with a year 4 boy with obvious delay who needs all the encouragment he can get.
I am okay still at lunchtime.
In the afternoon I am to assess the neediest children - I like to do this. I like to get to the most vulnerable children and get them shifted and reading and feeling that they can, yes they can, do it.
One little boy is wonderful. He is the one from the morning - in year 4. He has global delay and seizures and has problems articulating his thoughts but he is obviously an intelligent thoughtful child. I work hard with him, he is tired, and needs lots of positivity. He reads all the sounds, hurray good boy Musa - we talk about stuff, and he just breaks my heart. Why? Because here I am championing and caring for and supporting a little boy with special needs - as I always do in my job - this is not new to me- and yet... and yet.. my own needy child? I can not write it. Please parents of disabled children I am not patronising him. He is an ordinary special boy.
I am talking about myself. The perversity of the situation - my decisions, my life, my obvious ability to support children with special needs, my choice not to support my own.
I know it is my fault and decision and have been thinking about it alot in response to Marj's words about killing her boy. And in my heart I have many conflicting thoughts- that we are presented with the choice to test, that we take that option, that we choose CVS or amnio, that we then choose after soul searching and agony and heart ache to end that life. As you have all articulated, we have made the choice and we feel it is right but it does not alleviate the sorrow. We have to live with that.
Guilt is not the right word for me in fact Justa. It is confusion about right and wrong and what makes me... me. I do not feel guilty - I don't think I do - I feel sick, nauseous, confused by what the other reality would be like.
So I sincerely hope no one is upset by my words today ladies -as you know - I would not write this if i did not trust you and am fully aware that not everyone feels this way.
Sorry to be so heavy at this time of the night but needed to share a troubling day.
Til tomorrow
BB xxx

Lins - thanks for details on SANDS, I've just dropped them an email.

Bee - sorry about your day. I don't know really what to say or what the answer is. I think if I was in your position I would be asking the same questions. It's difficult and it's always different with other people's children and our own.

I really would like to meet up. What about one Saturday in June?

Good message BB, articulates my own thoughts. I kept thinking how can I do something that feels morally wrong but legally is right. How can I be offered a funeral for someone who legally isn't actually a 'person' yet? So many grey areas. I still don't feel 100% that I did the right thing, but doubt if I ever will.

The thing is its all very well to have threads about keeping a disabled child but every single situation is different. We all have different lives, supportive (or not) husbands/partners/family, other children, demanding jobs, lack of money etc etc.... not to mention the child itself. If someone could have told me the level of disability then I could have made a better decision but no... there were too many unknowns....

And I speak from someone who knows about disability as my eldest has special needs (he is on the autistic spectrum) fortunately he is doing really well and only mildly affected. that's not to say it has been hard in the past and it still is sometimes, and its not always all lovely dovey with a disabled child, well not mine anyway... he hits his siblings a lot, and no I'd not have terminated his pregnancy if I'd known as autism doesn't have the serious health implications that other conditions have. in fact he has excellent physical health and normal life expectancy.

Must go seeing the consultant today for follow up appointment. don't know why i felt I had to type up all that stuff above, to justify myself, get it off my chest??? Anyway let you know how I get on later. xxx

Thank you Eulalia
When i opened up today I was scared that I may have offended a parent of a special needs child with my words - although I do not think what i have written is offensive, I know to some people whatI have done is offensive.
Yes, morally feels wrong, legally and in our cases personally feels or felt right.
We have to remember and feel at some stage that we all considered long and hard and agonisingly before we made the decision. The termination itself for us was traumatic and disturbing in some way - and we are left with that shock for a long time.
Re your big boy - so glad he is healthy and strong - and he sounds a handful. But all children are, aren't they? Does he get good support at school or does he not need any academically?
It is still early days for us you know - and there are good hours and bad hours.
Chat later people as must get off and attend to my ..you know... real life. Yawn.
Sun out today thank goodness, have therapy, scary, and masses to do.
Byeeeeee
BB

BB - An amazing post, you are very honest. You have deep insight too, to be able to away from the 'guily' label and into the pure confused label.
This is the burden of choice, you people have felt its cutting edge. For some of us the choice will leave us bleak and lonely. And yet it was the right choice.

Choices usually result in a right - everything is coming up roses, or a wrong - everything could have been bettert. That is the choice about holidays, cars etc.

This is a different type of choice, a choice without simple black and white answers and outcomes. That is hard for the human brain I think. It doesn't fit the pattern, and humans like things 'tidy'.

Good luck to all of you today, stout hearts. x

Can't type as one handed. x

Tree- am worrying about your other hand?
Thank you dearest blossom tree for supportive words - you amaze me with your popping in still to support us all and am so glad you are here.
Have you noticed have now worked out how to do bold?
YAY
BB

Tree - why are you one handed, what have you done?

Oh - have not worked out how to do bold - but only asterixes. When you see an asterix - read in BIG voice.
x

Shame about the bold [asterix each word ]

Other hand taken up with H-bomb Harriet, my 3month baby who cries. Alot.

No major injuries - sorry about that, bet you were imaginig all sorts.

Proof positive you are all out there though, must remember that one when I want a chat!

I just bet she is breast feeding!
We are such a bunch of neurotics we assume she is damaged. Always look on the dark side of life..
Hello Marjie - how you doing today love?
xx

I just bet she is breast feeding!
We are such a bunch of neurotics we assume she is damaged. Always look on the dark side of life..
Hello Marjie - how you doing today love?
xx