Can'tdothisagain, I am so so sorry. I remember that numb feeling well. I do think you are doing the right thing, and hope that you don't feel guilty at all because really you are taking the pain on your baby's behalf. You are doing what mothers do, protecting your baby from un-necessary pain.
Did you have a medical termination for your baby you lost last year?
I am not sure where to start to help you through Friday. My thread with my whole story on is here, but I hope no-one minds that I have cut and pasted a section of it. This is the bit I wrote after having Daisy, because i wanted to let all the lovely ladies who wrote such kind things to me, know how it went.
"Hi all,
It's now a week and a day since I gave birth to Dasiy. She was born at 2.10pm weighing 150grams. Very weeny, but still so beautiful.
After the (really horrid) pessary things and one oral tablet, my contractions were very strong, but the nurse thought I'd need another one in 3 hours. I said "I hope not, this really hurts...", and no sooner had she left the room, I felt a tiny pop inside, and a sharp pain and contraction, and Daisy was born. I barely had time to grab the gas and air. The nurse came flying back, and sorted out the rest. I like to think Dasiy was listening to me saying I didn't want to go through 3 more hours and thought "ok, Mummy, i'll come out now."
The placenta was delivered about 45 mins later, after a doctor had had a good old feel inside - urghhh! I had been very worried about having to go in to theatre but they thought it had all come out.
My husband and I spent time with Dasiy, I talked to her and held her and gave her a kiss. We took loads of photos, although my husband found this part very difficult. I think I was on a hormonal high, with lots of adrenalin pumping through me, but he really struggled.
The worst bit was letting go...I was in tears, saying "I don't know how to do this bit...I know how to carry a baby, and give birth to her, but what mother lets her baby go?"
My husband knew I needed help here so he kept reassuring me that Amy (our first angel baby) was waiting to give Daisy her milk, and that I had to let her go now etc. I knew that if I didn't say goodbye, I would want to spend forever in that room, holding her.
We didn't want to go home that day, and the staff were very supportive of this. We had a room with 2 beds in, and my husband stayed the night with me. Whenever I was brought food, they brought some for him too, which was a small gesture that made a big difference.
I had panicked about clothes for Dasiy some days before, then discovered a local charity called Little Love, who sew/quilt/knit clothes and wraps and weeny blankets especially for this type of situation. I emailed a lovely lady who arranged for me to see what the local hospital had. I ended up buying some material especially, with dasies on, and she made me 2 tiny wraps, and a matching blanket. She used a weight estimate from our scans to get the size just right. We bought 2 little rabbits too. So Daisy kept one wrap, her blanket and one rabbit, and we kept the other wrap and rabbit. The night before she was born, we slept with the things close to our hearts...
What a surreal time though, to be sitting in a strangers's kitchen, while they sew things for you. I sat there, swapping stories with her (she also lost a baby early) rubbing my tummy, knowing that the next day, the baby who was merrily moving inside me would be wrapped up in these blankets, dead.
We came home on Monday, and since then I've felt like I'm living in a bubble. It's been weird and quite disconcerting. I barely cried last week at all, which is so different to the immediate and raw grief I had after Amy was born. Apart from the odd strange feeling, I actually had a lovely week with my husband and toddler. We were out in the sunshine a lot and I just felt nothing. What's going on? I still feel a bit like nothing has happened, and although I cried writing the bit above, I wonder if I am blocking this out cos it's all too much?
I do feel like we got it 'right' this time...with the clothes, the holding, the photos, the proper goodbye, but now why am I not sobbing all the time? Where is all the sadness? Is it waiting to spring out at me?
Physically, I feel inappropriately well. My morning sickness (which had made my life hell all year) went like a switch had been flicked. Apart from an ache in my lower tummy and some bleeding, I feel ok.
I went in to work today just to say hello, and that went ok, but I still feel unconnected to the real world. Obviously, having a 2 year old toddler makes us get up and carry on, and she is a light in my world, but I don't want to bury my feelings too deep.
It was also the 5th anniversary of my angel Amy this last Saturday (she was born on Mother's day) and we went to the crematorium to take flowers and let some balloons go. I feel a bit guilty that I haven't been thinking of her recently in the same way I would normally at this time of year. I just haven't been thinking at all.
I don't really want to face normal life now. How can it all go on as usual? I just feel empty.
Sending my very best wishes to all of you who sent me messages and support. It's really made a big difference to know you are all out there."
We had a cremation service for Daisy too. It was all part of the saying goodbye properly and letting go...as much as you can ever really say goodbye.
In practical terms, because you have given birth before, (I am assuming this but you could have had a c-section for your dd?) your body knows 'what to do' and the whole process shouldn't take hours. Once the contractions kick off, hopefully it won't be long. Ask for gas and air if you want it and any pain relief you fancy. I found with my first baby, because I had never given birth before, it took a long time and I needed lots of pain relief, so much so that I was in a complete drug induced daze. Gas and air did the trick with Daisy and meant I was 'there' experiencing it and being able to remember holding her etc.
You might like to buy a tiny teddy or toy...to either leave with your baby, or keep for yourself. We bought two...
I found it very important to get the right clothes, and the wraps I descibe above were good, as a 20 week baby is so tiny. Dressing them in proper clothes doesn't really work as they are so fragile and their skin can be a little sticky.
Have you thought about whether you will see or hold your baby? I know it seems the most awful and heartbreaking thing to think about. If you feel you can, I would recommend it. Because it all adds to the sense of this being an important and special and much wanted life, and gives you tangible memories to hold on to. And part of the grieving process.
I don't know whether the hospital have told you what a baby this age looks like. It can be a shock, but after a few minutes, they are just 'your baby'. The are fragile and delicate like a baby bird, but so perfect. Their skin may be very translucent, and possibly dark pink or purple. Like a tiny doll made out of glass.
Again, it sounds weird but you may want to take photos. If your camera has a macro lens, to take close ups of things this works well. And switching to a black and white setting takes away the shock value of their skin tone. I've got the sweetest pic of daisy's tiny tiny fingers on my little finger. It's the sort of photo you could slip on to the back of the mantle piece and not upset anyone.
You might want to ask your hospital tomorrow about this sort of stuff. Do you have a particular point of contact? I had a lovely 'screening midwife' who saw us through everything and kept in touch afterwards to check on us.
Do you think you will have a cremation or funeral? Often hospitals will organise this for you.
We stayed in for a night because it just felt right and I didn't want to go in and come home all on the same day. Obviously it depends on what time you give birth and also you might like to get home. But don't be rushed, as arriving back home is almost the toughest part.
Sorry this is so long honey. I am going to go and rescue my washing from the dark garden...
I am happy to answer any questions you might have, however small they are.
I'll check back here in a bit.
Love Lins xxxxx