Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

@Seahawk80 you've been through an awful lot, no wonder you're terrified!
No tips I'm afraid but now lockdown is easing could you maybe book some yoga classes, a massage etc to help you physically relax? Try a meditation app for at home?
Keeping everything crossed for you. Have you spoken to your consultant/FMU yet?x

Thanks @Kiki275 I don't actually have a consultant or anyone to speak to. I sometimes feel a bit forgotten and feel like I should be under someone but as my TMFRs have been for chromosomal abnormalities which are just random occurrences and bad luck I don't think there is anything they can do until I'm actually pregnant. They have been very helpful in my subsequent pregnancies and I've emailed my contact at the hospital to ask them to arrange an early scan and the harmony test and to ensure the sonographer knows my history. Just hope I get that far this time.
With a 3 year old I don't get much time to relax and I find I just use any meditation time to worry ha ha! I'm trying to just break the weeks down into manageable chunks and not look too far ahead. I'm struggling a bit as it's the 4th time I've done this and I just feel like my life is on hold again. Still I'm trying to be positive and getting pregnant is the first stage - I can't have another baby unless I go through this.

@Seahawk80 that's a really positive way of looking at it. Fingers crossed someone will hurry everything along. I have a 2.5yr old and completely get the not having time to worry thing. Anxiety did build up over time regardless so make sure you take a few moments for yourself xx

@Kiki275 totally get that, most of the time it's a very welcome and wonderful distraction but it is hard to carve time out for yourself. I've been having some counselling with Petals which is great as I have to sit down at a certain time and take an hour to talk about my feelings. I was offered counselling by the hospital but I just couldn't stand the counsellor and it did nothing for me. Has anyone else had this? I'm so glad I tried it again and found someone I like talking to.

Afternoon ladies, did anyone have earlier ovulation the first cycle after your loss? And if you did were you successful? I'm cd9 and my opks are nearing on peak and my temps are very low, also having ewcm. Before my loss I was around cd15 so it is very early for me and I'm worried it is TOO early to be a successful pregnancy. We started dtd last night and will continue every day if possible until my temp rise x

@No1worrier no advice about ovulation I'm afraid as I have PCOS and am all over the place! But I did read your previous post about periods changing and wanted to reassure you that mine really changed. Both after my surgical TMFRs and my miscarriage which was "natural". They are lighter and the bleeding seems different. I had a scan 4 months post miscarriage because of this and all was fine and I'm pregnant again so I think it's just one of those weird things.

@Seahawk80

Thanks for your reply, I really have no idea what's going on, CD10 opks are still high but no obvious peak (my peaks are usually dye stealers) unless I have missed it. I had a slight temp increase this morning but nothing like I would usually get when I've ovulated so I really don't think I have. I definitely hope I've not anyway.

To add to the stress my OH is not well at the moment, he has man flu (the cold 🙄). So not sure when we will be able to dtd again and I know if I didn't ovulate yesterday then I will probably ovulating any day now.

First time trying since our loss and I feel I'm giving up before we have already started 💔x

@No1worrier I had exactly the same last cycle, I'd spent a fortune on the clear blue ovulation thing and DH had man flu! It's so frustrating isn't it. I tried to be understanding and asked him to promise we would make a big effort next month. Good luck!

My opks are now low, so I've given up for this cycle, looks like I have ovulated on cd9 first cycle after our loss which is crazy early. I really hope my next cycle balances itself out x

@Seahawk80 what a traumatic journey you have been through! Do you have a bereavement midwife? If so you could push for consultant lead care through her, alternatively you can ask for it when you have your booking appointment. I was referred by my midwife after my booking appointment to the genetic counselling and for consultant lead care. I’m keeping everything crossed for you for this pregnancy. I too am 40, so completely understand your worries!

@Seahawk80 I just found it was useful in early days to just take one day at a time and celebrate each successful test or scan. I’m also having counselling which helps me a lot. Activities such as walking or swimming is very calming.

Thanks @Alice40p yeah when I see it written down I feel like it really is a lot! I never had a bereavement midwife. I didn't really know it was a thing until after my terminations. I don't know why I didn't, if I slipped through the cracks or because I had surgical terminations or because I was "only"13-14 weeks. To be honest I feel so let down by the NHS, I could write pages about it and it's added to my trauma as I feel like other people praise all the help and support they had and I feel like not only have I had the worst luck with losing babies I've also been unlucky with having zero support and at times I wonder if I'm cursed! I only have the contact of the pa of a consultant to arrange extra scans because I made a pals complaint about how awful my experience was prior to my first termination with a rude and unprofessional sonographer.
I'm at Kings in London - don't know if anyone else is and I find that they are so busy and have so many complicated pregnancies referred to them that you are just a number and there is zero extra support. However on all 3 of my 12 week scans (including with my son) I have had a CVS same day and when we needed to have a specialist heart scan to confirm the problems at 12 weeks we waited less than 2 hours. I see so many posts on here from
people who have had to be referred and wait and it prolongs the stress and heartbreak. I feel that on balance it's the best hospital to be at but I'm not feeling very supported which is hard.
I'm very much trying to take one day at a time and break time down into manageable chunks. I'm struggling today as I keep having cramps and I know it's probably just stretching but I feel like everything is about to fall out.

@Seahawk80 really sorry to hear that you had no support through this awful experience. When you have your booking appointment so push for a consultant lead care. The first few weeks are really hard as there are so many unknowns! I’m still scared at 18 weeks! I had a early anomaly reassurance scan 16 weeks where everything went well. As it gets closer to 20 weeks scan, I feel very anxious. I had a most vivid miscarriage nightmare yesterday which was very upsetting. Hopefully we will all get through this !

Hi, I’m new here and looking for support. I didn’t have tfmr but I would have if I had had the chance. All early tests came back good, didn’t have nipt as I didn’t know it existed but was 40 so feel like my ob should have told me. All scans and everything went great. Gave birth and baby was diagnosed with Down syndrome. We ended up placing him for adoption Jan 2021 which ripped my heart out. I thought I would never want to try again but here I am starting from scratch. I wish I had been able to tfmr last year so I feel like so much time has passed where we could have been able to try for a healthy baby. My son was placed in a wonderful family with access to medical services but it’s been a complete mindfuck and I’m pretty sure I have ptsd and I’m so scared to go through it again but I really still want to complete our family... is it okay that I join this group?

Thanks @Alice40p yes I'm definitely going to push for everything I can get. If I get that far and they don't offer me a 16 week scan I'll get a private one. We did that with DS as the 12 week scan was so traumatic and it really helped to break up the 12-20 week wait. 12 weeks is my big "milestone " but think I'll worry all the way through even if things look ok. Sorry you had such an awful nightmare, Things like that can really shake you up. I've had a couple of dreams where I go to the loo and there's lots of blood, they've been so vivid too.

@NTScannegative sorry you've had such an awful time, it must be heartbreaking, I'm not surprised you are traumatised. Have you had any counselling?

@NTScannegative oh bless, you've been through a really emotional time. I imagine the feelings of giving a baby up for adoption and those of a tmfr are different, so we might not be the best place to support that.
That said, emotions moving forward and the rollercoaster of TTC knowing previous problems have occurred, diagnostics etc. will be fairly relatable. Big hand hold from me x

The emotional part is probably somewhat different but it did feel like my baby died. He spent 4 weeks in the nicu and 2 at home with us before we reached our decision. I researched everything I could and also spoke with families who have children with Down syndrome. I guess I feel like because we want to try again and I’m so scared of anything similar happening again I thought this might be a good group to help me on that journey. I’ll be 41 in a few months and I’m scared my eggs are just bad at this point....

Hello all. I might join this thread if that's ok. We're not quite TTC yet (in fact I still have my IUD) but probably will be in the next couple of months and I have the fear. We had a TFMR five years ago and a healthy baby four years ago. For ages I thought I was one and done and I was pleased that I never had to worry about pregnancy related things ever again. However, in the last year or so I have became increasingly broody and I realised that I really love being a mum and I would absolutely love to have another one and do it all again. This was a bit difficult as my husband wasn't really on board for ages but after many a difficult conversation I think we've reached the conclusion that we are ok to try for another one soon. I think he's still not thrilled because the TFMR was really hard on both of us, but he also says that he understands how I feel and wants me to be happy. We've also negotiated other "big" things so it seems like quite a fair compromise (although I still feel a bit guilty for wanting a second one in the first place ).

Now that I've been thinking about TTC all the memories from the TFMR are flooding back. I'm terrified that if I do end up pregnant we will have another bad 12 week scan, followed by weeks of tests and anxiety and it would just break us. But then I think that what if everything went ok and we would have a healthy baby and it would be oh so lovely. My 4yo would make such a good big brother too. Sigh. This is so hard.

I'm 36 as well and convinced I should have had my kids in my twenties to avoid any issues... Why can't I just be a normal person who wants a baby, gets pregnant, has a baby and that's it?

@BabyPotato Hello! You commented on my thread in Antenatal Tests a few months ago in the lead up to and following our compassionate induction. You offered me support then and I'm offering you support now ❤️
We have been trying again for the past few weeks and it was very emotional in the beginning when we started. We're just taking it step by step. First we need to get pregnant; then it will be a viability scan and so on. My daughter is providing much needed distraction and support as I'm sure your son is.
Sending love and support - here is you need to talk xxx

Hi @Brooklily! I remember you. I hope you're doing ok. Thanks for your kind words, means a lot. And you are absolutely right. There's no point in worrying about it at this stage as I'm not even pregnant. When we were going through our tests before the TFMR years ago I remember someone telling me that worrying in advance means worrying twice. I'm generally a bit of a pessimist because pessimists don't get disappointed (), but worrying too much isn't really helpful to anyone. I wish you could just turn the worry part of the brain off when you wanted!

Wishing you lots of luck on your TTC journey! xx

I don't know if this has already been mentioned as I'm quite new to this thread but there is an instagram page called 'the worst girl gang ever' where two lovely ladies discuss pregnancy and baby loss in all its forms. There is a podcast too - an episode is focused on TFMR (Compassionate Induction) and there is also an episode about TTC after a loss. I found it helped normalise a lot of my feelings and made me feel less lonely on this journey. Just in case anyone else finds it useful too ❤️❤️❤️

@BabyPotato it's so hard not to let it all get to you. Just know you're not alone and everything your feeling is totally normal.
Lots of love and good luck too ❤️❤️❤️

@Brooklily Thanks. ❤️ I'll check out the Instagram page too. I was on a TFMR forum for years and found it really helpful as everyone pretty much felt the same about everything. It was nice to know that what I felt was actually normal, and really common! The forum has gone quiet in the last couple of years, so I've not really talked about things much. Look forward to chatting to you all should this TTC thing go somewhere!