Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

@Bellesjp don’t feel guilty you have to do what’s best for you 😘

@Aimz40

I have just had my tfmr, I have been in hospital for a week because the medication or anything they did was t working, I've just had to have surgery this afternoon and had to have a blood transfusion because I bled lots when they removed the placenta. Total Nightmare!

I spoke to the consultant when he came to see me and asked him when it would be OK to try ivf again, I thought he would say to give it 3 months or something, but he told me that as soon as I get my next period I'm good to go!

I'm so sorry my lovely, that sounds like it's been incredibly hard on top of an already horrible situation. I hope you're healing well and have support and love around you xx

@Bellesjp

Hi everyone, I hope it's ok to tentatively join this post. We had a tfmr on 10th September due to various abnormalities shown on my 12 week scan. We didn't have a diagnosis at the time but it wasn't looking good at all. Have just heard on our genetic results after post mortem and my baby had turners syndrome, confusing for us after being told that he looked like a boy after delivery, but she is in fact a little girl 💕

I was put on high dose folic acid and told to wait 3 months before ttc again but with the turners diagnosis it has shown that what happened was really pure back luck and hopefully unlikely to reoccur so I would like to start ttc when I get my first period.

How long has it taken to get your first period afterwards? It's been 5 weeks today, I've had a high reading on opk for a few days 10 days ago but not a peak so I either missed it or haven't ovulated yet!

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm rushing into ttc again, I feel quite the opposite but I really need to feel that I'm going all I can to have thag baby in my arms

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I know what you mean, when we lost our boy it was all I could focus on, a need to have a positive and something to focus on in the midst of grief and loss. Its hormonal and emotional, you have to do what's right for you xx

Thanks guys, feeling a bit more positive today. Think will start tracking with opks next week and see how we get on 🤞🏼

Thank you for your message, although I've got lots of support at home, it's good to talk with others that have been through similar.
My family have all been so supportive since I've been out of hospital, my living room is like a florist at the moment, I've never had so many flowers! I'm feeling physically better now, but emotionally, it's definitely going to take some time.

I have noticed that pretty much everyone that has had a Tfmr has felt the need to get pregnant again fast. My tfmr was only on Friday, it's pretty much the main thing on my mind. I've already started taking supplements again and got the Dr to prescribe me 5mg of folic acid. We had a phone consultation with the ivf consultant last night and are planning on doing ivf again in January.

I had been trying to conceive for 4 years before getting pregnant, I had previously been using the clear blue digital ovulation tests, but eventually I had enough of them as It was stressing me out and also getting quite expensive! I decided that I was just going to take a more relaxed attitude with it, it seemed to work. I also changed acupuncturists and definitely think that played a part, even if it was just making me more relaxed.

Aimz40 glad you've got real life support, and we're always here. It was certainly all I could think about after we lost DS2. It was a physical ache. Coming up to a year now since my TFMR and have had a chemical and a MMC.

I got a positive test a few weeks ago so I'm at the hospital tomorrow for a scan to see if this one is viable. I can't put any hope in my heart at the moment, it feels too dangerous to hope just yet.

@HeyFloof I'm sorry to hear that, you have really been through it!

It's good news about the positive test 😊 but I can imagine that your anxiety levels are through the roof, how are you holding up?
I hope that you have an early appointment tomorrow and don't have to wait to long. Will you let us know how you get on?

@HeyFloof hope your scan goes well tomorrow 💕 wishing you the best of luck x

@HeyFloof hope all goes well with the scan

Thank you ladies. It went really well. We saw a small bean measuring 9 weeks, wiggling and with a good heartbeat. I wailed. I was so sure it was going to be another MMC. I have the nuchal fold measurement scan and bloods in 3 weeks all being well. Mentally and emotionally I can only manage tiny steps. But, it was a good day.

@HeyFloof ahh that's great news, congratulations 🥰

Oh that's lovely news, I'm really pleased for you! Xx

How is everyone? ❤️

Hi @HeyFloof I'm 2dpo today, trying not to get my hopes up for the first cycle but we gave it our best shot anyway!

Hiya, I'm doing OK, I went back to work today, I'm gradually starting to feel more energetic.
I am struggling with eating healthy, I want to give ivf our best shot in Jan and everytime I eat rubbish I feel angry with myself, I need to be kinder to myself.

How's are you doing heyfloof?

@bellesjp i'll keep my fingers crossed for you! I think I'm too scared to try naturally atm.

@HeyFloof how are you getting on?

@Bellesjp fingers crossed for you

@Aimz40 how have you found returning to work?

I’ve been back on a phased return very hard, especially been in the hospital that we had her in :( there’s no escaping pregnancy and babies at work and sometimes it’s a bit much.
I’m also pregnant again and terrified 😭 we had Florence on the 11th August so in some ways I feel like I’m still trying to come to terms with that. I had an early viability scan yesterday and I cried as soon as I walked into the room, the consultant was amazing with me and had taken the time to read my notes so referred to my baby that we had to have a tfmr by her name. I couldn’t look at the screen though, I was terrified for bad news after previous miscarriage and our last pregnancy. The scan was reassuring I think I got to see baby and the heartbeat, but she wants to rescan me in 10-14 days which is freaking me out although she said she didn’t want to use the word concerned as she is trying to support my mental well-being by scanning me again. I’ve been referred back to fetal medicine for my dating scan so that is booked in as well. I’m just so so terrified, I promised myself I wouldn’t get excited but I can’t stop thinking about the scan and falling in love with whoever is in there I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to have another loss or to have to make an agonising decision again.

Sorry long post. As you can tell my brain is mush.

Hey...it's been a while but I've been struggling so I though I'd come back just to get a few things off my chest.
I'm 25 weeks with a little boy 💙 Two weeks ago we went for another anomaly scan where he was found to have a cleft lip, potentially palate too but we won't know until he is born. I took it really hard, mostly down to our TFMR experience I think. I was in the same room, with the same consultant being told unwelcome news again. We saw the screening midwife again in the same room...it was all way too familiar and triggering.
It didn't help that our friends and family were all 'they can do amazing things now' and 'it could be worse'. Yes I know it could be worse thanks, it was in February. It felt like they'd forgotten. I'm still very angry with some of them for being so dismissive and insensitive.
On a positive note, it has helped me connect to my baby, all I want it to protect him now and keep him close where as before I didn't even believe I would ever meet him.
I think I'm upset that people seem to think I'm just upset about the cleft - I'm actually not - I know he will be fine, the team we have spoken to are amazing.
It feels like everyone has conveniently forgotten what happened earlier this year and how hard it must be to go through something even slightly similar to that.
Anyway I'm rambling, I just wanted to talk to some people who would understand. Lots of love to you all xxx

@Brooklily oh lovely that scan sounds like a very triggering experience and scans can be triggering at the best of times without having any unwanted news delivered! I think everything that you have said and feel sounds so completely and utterly rationale and reasonable given what you have already been through and it sounds like actually what you wanted from friends and family was for them to acknowledge how bloody hard this journey is for you, not to dismiss how you feel by trying to reassure you when as you say the cleft lip isn’t the reason you were upset.
I’m sending so much love to you, I can only imagine how hard this pregnancy has been emotionally after an already difficult year 😘

@Upsydasiy thank you so much for your lovely understanding words.
We have had about 6 scans so far during this pregnancy and this one was the first I didn't start crying immediately at. Then the consultant was a little too quiet for a little too long and I knew something was up - everything goes through your head and suddenly I was right back where I was 8 months earlier. We never got an answer for why our Max didn't develop properly and I am so grateful this baby is healthy in every other way and it is something treatable this time. But I am simultaneously struggling with the memories of my son Max and our TFMR when I'd believed I'd started to come to terms with it all.
It's so so hard 😥 Thank you so much for listening, it really helps as it feels like not many people in my life want to listen at the moment. X

@Brooklily I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I had massive Scanxiety with my rainbow with the fear of being given bad news again. I can't even imagine what it would have been like for you to then hear the words "there's a problem with..." etc.
They don't understand the guilt associated with our losses and how we sort of punish ourselves, expecting never to be given a precious gift again. They don't understand that we can't believe everything will be okay until that baby is safe in our arms, that we're waiting for bad news.
I completely understand that the cleft isn't the problem for you... it's the expectation that it's the top of the iceberg, when parents without tmfr experience just take it at face value. Huge hugs xx

I had a tfmr on the 22nd of October as my baby ds had hypoplastic left heart syndrome which was too severe to be fixed and ventriculomegaly and he was born on the 24th. It has destroyed me even though there was no other option sadly. My bleeding has stopped so just waiting on my first period but I feel conflicted in a sense because of what's happened, will it happen again? Is it disrespectful to ds to try again so soon? Or do I just go for it and hope he sends me a rainbow baby to go with all the rainbows he has sent since he went to heaven

@Upsydasiy

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling terrified and anxious around your scans, it sounds like you have a great consultant looking after you though, that must be reassuring especially after everything you've been through. It's great that you've seen the baby and the heartbeat and get to see it again soon, I hope you find ways to cope with the anxiety, acupuncture and reflexology really helped me.

It must be very hard working at the hospital that you had to deliver your baby, i live round the corner from the hospital I was at, and for me that is bad enough as whenever I drive past I'm reminded of things that happened/things that could've been.

Going back to work has been OK for me, I have managed to get back into a routine, the only thing is I feel like it's all forgotten about, like everyone has moved on from it already, people have stopped asking how I am and I feel almost as if I should be over it but it is all still very fresh for me, the only thing different is I feel less anxious and stressed, I don't think I have ever experienced anxiety like I did waiting for all the results of scans and tests, such a very stressful time.

@Brooklily
I'm sorry that people haven't been supportive, I hope that your husband/partner has been understanding and you guys have been able to talk about how you are feeling together.
It's funny how people just forget about things isn't it? like I was just saying, my Tfmr was less than a month ago and it's like it never happened.

@ArrrMeHearties

Hiya, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of you little boy, its just really shit and I'm sorry that you have been through it.

I can completely understand how you are feeling about trying to conceive again, I had my tfmr on 14th October due to T21. I have just stopped bleeding too, I'm waiting for my next period. I'm unsure if I should try again naturally because of the chances of it happening again, I don't know if I could go through it all again.

I am planning on doing ivf in January, I've already had two failed rounds and have had a embryologist watch my eggs with embroscope, a very high number of them fertilised abnormally, so I know the chances of another diagnosis of Trisomy 21 or worse is a real possibility.

Try not to feel guilty about trying again, you have got to do what you feel is right for you, it's not disrespectful at all, but maybe if you feel that way you might need to take a bit more time for you to grieve and heal emotionally.

aimz40 I think that the disrespectful feelings come from if I were to fall pregnant quickly, which I'm not going to lie I hope happens. It's like you hear of so many people having lost babies and you feel gutted for them never thinking it would happen to you and now it has how the hell do I deal with and try to move on from it

@Aimz40 I’m feeling very fortunate to have a good consultant but I’m so terrified I feel like it’s going to be a long slog to get to the dating scan (if I get that far)

@ArrrMeHearties
I’m so sorry you find yourself here and for the loss of your little boy. In terms of trying again you have to do what right for you! I had the same worries and thoughts but also had a history of it taking a while to fall pregnant but I had to start trying again it was almost my way of coping. I never ever thought it would happen so quickly but we had our tfmr on the 11th august and I’m pregnant again. It is more emotionally exhausting than I could have ever imagined the anxiety is very real. But I don’t think I’d have even been “ready or over what happened to us”. Be gentle on yourself and do what you need to do. Lots of love 😘

I know your not meant to do anything for 6wks but tentatively we have been and while this may sound odd it's like that's my coping mechanism in a way as it brings me closer to oh if that makes sense?