Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

Bad news here, I ended up in the epu for minimal bleeding but with some side pains.

Had a scan and the pregnancy (which I had dated at about 7 weeks+) is measuring at about 5.5 weeks. So not looking good for me sadly. Epu booked me in for in a fortnight but my friends have booked me a private scan in a week so I don't have to wait so long to find out.

It's my TFMR baby's inquest tomorrow (over zoom). I'm so drained.

@SemiFeralDalek I'm so sorry to hear this. Don't know what to say other than huge hugs. xx

@SemiFeralDalek really sad to hear this! Life is so unfair sometimes! Huge hugs xx

@SemiFeralDalek I’m so sorry. I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you. Huge hugs xxx

@Kiki275 not to worry your message didn’t upset me, you made a good point, I’ve been researching alternatives instead.
I’ve booked in for the midwife I’ve got my 1st appointment mid July all being well. Trying to keep busy to keep my mind of it all.

@SemiFeralDalek I'm so sorry. Life is so unfair sometimes. It's just so crap that some people get way more bad luck and heartbreak than they deserve. I'm glad your friends have helped out, I hope you have lots of support. Hope today goes / went well too x

@Kiki275 I've got a T. rex personalised cake topper and then can just buy any old chocolate cake and put that and toy dinosaurs on it! Although of course today DS asked for a frozen cake 🤦‍♀️! At least he keeps me busy!

My scan is on Tuesday so not long now, I'm weirdly fine about it in the day and totally rational but I'm waking up in the night and 4/5am and worrying.

Need to have a vent, went out for lunch with the in laws today including DH brother, not sure if I've said on here but his girlfriend (who he's only been with a year) is 14 weeks pregnant so 2 weeks ahead of me. It's really hard and the worst timing and if this baby isn't ok then their baby will probably be born right around when ours would have been as I'd have a planned section - I know I shouldn't assume the worst but I can't help it.
Anyway I didnt want to go but thought I would as I'll def be taking a step back if we have bad news. It was actually ok and there was minimal baby / pregnancy talk so all was fine. Then MIL who just can't help herself came over as we left to do a "how ARE you" I've tried to make it so clear that I just don't want to talk about it and I said as quickly as possible, I'm ok, just glad it's nearly scan day. She said yes so will you have extra tests, when will you get results? I said I don't know, depends on the scan and which tests we have...."so how long will the results take"? Well I don't know MIL as I just said and I wake up every morning at 4am and worry about how much longer I have to live through this! Why can't people just learn to give you space and that you WILL tell them when you have something to tell them!
Anyway sorry for the long rant - I shouldn't have gone but after lockdown I was quite excited about a free meal out!

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

@Seahawk80 some folk just have no tact! Hopefully she'll keep her mouth shut when she knows how it went. One of the worst parts of the TMFR for me was the gossip.
Make sure you take tissues to your scan with you, I couldn't help but cry and that was the first one I ever teared up at.
If your anxiety does become too much, do speak to your GP (I got palpitations in the lead up to my 20wks), baby needs you to be well xx

Thanks @Kiki275 I'm generally OK but I just wake up and worry. It all depends on what odds we get at the scan and then they will decide whether to do harmony / CVS and I just keep thinking about that and how long results will take. But then I think the worst case scenario is my last 12 week scan when we didn't have to wait for results as the problems were so obvious from the scan we knew then the baby wouldn't survive. So I guess waiting is good!
I just find MIL so smothering. She means well but she has no life / no job / no real interests and is just constantly texting us asking what we are up to, how is DS etc. She's the opposite of my mum who has a very full life and while always being there for me also gives me space. I don't know if it's because she's so different to what I'm used to but I find her unbearable these days. Didn't help that she managed to jam DS into a high chair today trying to help when we didn't ask her to and he ended up traumatised and having to sit on my lap for the whole meal - he's pretty big for that these days!

@Seahawk80 is there a FIL in the picture? Otherwise you could completely turn tables and ask if she'd like your help signing up to Match.com. Intrusive questions tit for tat 😂 x

@Kiki275 wish I could say that! FIL is in picture although they have been together for 50 years and seem fed up of each other - so maybe I should!!! They constantly snipe at each other and she's so passive aggressive to him. DH thought it was normal til he met my family!

Also just wanted to say I hope everyone and their husband / partner is ok tomorrow. We're so lucky to have DS but my Dad died when I was just out of my teens and for years I really struggled with Father's Day when it feels like it's impossible to get away from and everyone is celebrating except you

Hi ladies, sorry I didn't come back to up date you all last week. I came off forums during my 2ww to try and remain calm and relaxed...

The appointment last Wednesday was cancelled due to my gynecologist being in close contact to someone with covid. He rearranged me to Monday 28th June...

To add to everything I think I just got my BFP this morning at 10dpo. I am shaking like a leaf, crying and struggling to breathe. I really was not expecting this to happen so soon, this is only my 2nd cycle since my loss in March. I instantly had a sense of guilt rush over me and ran to the spare room to grab some of my daughters clothes that we had bought and put away, I just kept saying sorry baby, sorry baby. I really don't want her to think I am replacing her. I am home alone until my partner gets home from work later tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I am scared, nervous, some feelings that I can't even describe because I don't know what they even are!

Sorry I'm rambling on, just in disbelief!

10dpo tests!

Better lighting in this photo maybe!

@No1worrier I can see a line. Keeping everything crossed for you it keeps on getting stronger x

@No1worrier gentle congratulations!! I can see a faint line too! The pregnancy after tfmr is a rollercoaster ride!

How is everyone else doing? I’m ok and am waiting nervously for my next scan which is not till end of next month!

@No1worrier awww it's so emotional. Congratulations 🤍

I'm nearly 16 weeks but really struggling mentally. I thought I had a good and realistic view on things - I'm cautiously excited but I also don't want to shout it from the rooftops or talk about it all the time, certainly don't want people touching my barely there bump and calling this baby "bean" whist calling my TFMR baby "the other one".
My mum sent me messages the other day asking whether I was letting myself be excited yet. I said yes, but also being realistic, I just know too much. Then she goes on to say "well don't we all. I think you shouldn't let your knowledge dampen your excitement, this would surely be damaging for you both. Yes, you're a makes child... but I think you must let go of your fears now. It could be passed onto the baby. And nobody would want that!"
Ah I wish she'd said that to my face so she could've seen my reaction. She's got 4 healthy children. I've lost 4. She's never lost one. If anything was to happen to this baby now... is she trying to say it's my fault for not being happier? I took some time and then told her that I appreciate her concern but that she simply cannot know how I feel as she's never been in my situation and that I believe in letting myself feel the feelings rather than bottling it up.
Pregnancy after loss is so much harder than I ever imagined.

@NoCallerID yes, people who haven’t been through what we have, have no idea what it is to be pregnant after a loss. My mum tells me things like this too! Are you having an early anomaly scan?

@No1worrier gentle congratulations, I imagine you are feeling all over the place.

@NoCallerID sorry about your mum, that sounds really tough, especially coming from someone who should be giving you unconditional support. I don't think I'll ever feel relaxed in this pregnancy, it's another thing that's been taken from us.

I had my 12 week scan this morning, still can't believe it but it went amazingly well, better that we could have hoped for. Even with my age (40 now) and extra risk for chromosomal abnormalities having had 2 pregnancies affected the adjusted risk was 1/442 for downs and 1/300 for Edwards/ Patau. This is better than we ever could have imagined, even with DS it was something like 1/13 and 1/68 and that was over 4 years ago with no previous history! I was certain we'd get something like 1/50 at best.
We have done the harmony test as hospital offer it as standard if you get under 1/500 so we have to wait 2 weeks for results but the sonographer said the scan looks great and she anticipates a normal result so for now we are trying to take that in and be happy. It was the same sonographer who had to tell us our baby had Edwards last time so it was so lovely, even she cried when we got the results!

Gentle congratulations to you No1worrier all the best wishes for you xx

And absolutely fantastic news seahawk how completely wonderful! I am so pleased for you xx

@NoCallerID what the actual !? It's not a case of letting ourselves getting excited, as if we're constantly saying to ourselves that we can't. Our bodies have literally gone into self-defence mode, protecting us from what we have already experienced. We're happy, yes, but excited, no.
Even now at 31 weeks I can't say I'm excited. A hell of a lot less worried and pretty relaxed but there's still that little shield around my heart that won't drop until baby is safely here xx

Pregnancy after loss is such a difficult and exhausting place to be, thinking of all of you ladies who are struggling xx

@Seahawk80 that's wonderful news!

@SemiFeralDalek how are you? How did the inquest go? Hope you're holding up okay xx

@Kiki275 @SemiFeralDalek thank you, I can't quite believe it! Don't really know what to do with myself as I'd blocked the rest of this week out assuming I'd be resting after a cvs and stressing about results. I'm still not going to tell people until at least when we get the harmony results and in the back of my mind I'll worry about them but trying to stay positive.