Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

@Nking2021 that sounds so difficult for you. I mean this kindly but I think it's a little unfair you're having to shoulder the burden of failed pregnancies whilst he refuses to get checks done. Having as many non-invasive tests now may well dictate the speediest way to your longed for rainbow baby. Has he said why he doesn't want it?x

I'm so sorry you find yourself here @nking2021. I would struggle to accept his refusal to have a sperm assessment to be honest, especially when you will be having invasive testing. We didn't end up getting that far last time but it was a requirement of the fertility clinic before they'd consider treatment of any kind for me that dh had a sperm assessment. Cigarettes do affect sperm and he's not necessarily a heavy smoker, but I would wonder why he didn't want to be as healthy as possible. Have you got any other real life support?

@Kiki275 @SemiFeralDalek i dunno why
He thinks me telling him to get his sperms checked = me blaming him. Every time I bring up the issue he would turn it into an argument and telling me not to blame him. He’s also against ivf. He says it’s unnatural ( he’s very strong minded Catholic).. it’s so hard to fight this battle when my hubby doesn’t want to go down the same path as me. To be honest I feel like ivf might be our only direction. I have 2 best friends. They were pregnant around the same time as me but 5 and 7 months further along and have now given birth. So emotionally it is hard to be there happy for them when I just gave birth to tfmr baby.. and they have tried to be supportive but hard for them also as they have newborns to look after and 0 sleep for the past few months

Tell him God creates life in whatever form it arrives in. Whether that's IVF, ICSI, fertility medication or whatever. God also created the human ability for the science and technology to be created to allow these miracle babies to be born. Tell him Jesus was born via artificial insemination and see what he thinks of that! But if he's not prepared to even try, then I think it would change how I felt about him. Its not about blame. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this extra layer of stress and grief.

@Nking2021 I'm with @SemiFeralDalek on this one. It's not blame, it's finding the root cause of the problem and using science to fix it. Would he have vaccines, surgery or pick up prescriptions.... yes? Does he use a smartphone or drive a car... yes? Pretty sure none of those are in the bible but we were given the intelligence and abilities to develop them.
If he point blank refuses then I'd personally stop trying and consider adoption. It's the ultimate ignorant phrase thrown at couples struggling with infertility but in this case it's literally the only way he can't give manhood called into question. Any alternatives are just not fair on you, you need to be a team x

@Nking2021 you poor thing, that feels so unfair on you. It's already a pretty one sided process with women taking all the physical and most of the emotional brunt. It sounds like he's in denial about the role he plays. If he has very catholic views is he maybe struggling with guilt about the TFMR and dissociating a bit from the whole baby making process? Has he had any counselling? Might be a good place to start if remotely possible?

So I’m out, got my period today and it’s a heavy one ugh. I gave in and ordered vitex which should come next week. I’m scared it’s going to cause an unhealthy egg to stick but at the same time I’ve never been able to get pregnant and have it stick without it. I’m really hoping it works the first month so I can start feeling hopeful about our future again. All of this has made it so hard to be a good mom to my daughter and I just want to get back to being a happy mom for her

@SemiFeralDalek we spoke about this. He says if it’s his sperms then he prefers no children than going through ivf/ having sperm donor, etc. it is hard coz I would accept egg donor or surrogacy if it’s me. I just want to find the cause and have a clear picture of what we can do. Where my husband just want to keep trying as natural as possible. He thinks the more i want something the less likely God will give me what i want. We’re just not on the same page regarding reproductive help but otherwise he’s a very great husband

@GoingGently he’s actually opted for tfmr and convinced me to go with tfmr as both baby and I were both suffering. Baby’s organs were under lots of distressed from fluid everywhere, organs were giving up. 3 specialists told me my body is essentially doing all the work for the baby to continue but as soon as baby out of my womb she would not be able to survive. Husband didn’t want baby to suffer at term and since baby would not know any pain being so young it was the merciful option for her. He’s been quite sad but still optimistic we can try again and would get pregnant again. The recent chemical he said it happened coz my body hasnt recovered fully and next time baby would stick. I surely hope what he says is true, sometimes i dunno if it’s optimism or wanting to be oblivious

I would struggle if my dh refused tbh, and was willing to thrust potential childlessness on me because he didn't want to have a simple (non invasive) test. BUT, im sure it's really unlikely that there actually is anything "wrong" with either of you and its a case of absolutely dreadful luck. Were you offered genetic testing?

I have a healthy 4yo, then my TFMR baby, and then i had a chemical in January, which I do think was probably down to my body not being ready yet. I'm 5 weeks pregnant again now and am concerned I'm having an eptopic pregnancy.

@Nking2021 what about you? Are you healed and ready to try again? You've been through one heck of a lot with no clear reasoning or probabilities as to future success rates. If your husband isn't fully on board, now is the time to say stop, I'm not ready, give me time x

@SemiFeralDalek I'm in agreement with you here too. Hope you're okay though? Why the ectopic suspicion? Keeping everything crossed it's not x

Hi everyone, sorry I joined the thread and then decided to stick my head in the sand as I am finding early pregnancy so traumatic and time is going so slowly. I hate just wishing my life away like this. I'm almost 10 weeks now and right at the stage where i had a miscarriage last summer so just really struggling.
In positive news I've spoken to the head midwife at FMU and made a plan for my 12 week scan and I had an early scan which all looked good so trying to hold onto hope and remember that things are going as well as possible.

We found out at the weekend that my brother in law's girlfriend is pregnant and due 2 weeks before me. Totally unexpected, they've only been together a year. I could really do without the added pressure. I don't really get on with him and it really annoyed me that he did a big family announcement knowing what we've been through. I mean hopefully it will be lovely and we will both have babies but I feel like all I can see in the future is me not having another baby and theirs being a painful reminder.

@SemiFeralDalek hope you are ok. You have my full sympathy, those early weeks are the worst.

@GoingGently I totally get your feelings about your sisters baby. I would feel the same. It's horrible what loss does to you and please know that it's ok to protect yourself and your heart when you need to. I think it was in the worst girl gang podcast that someone else mentioned when they interviewed the infertile midwife and she said there is so much joy for people when they have a baby from so many people that it really doesn't matter if you don't feel it. That's a bit of a paraphrase- sure she was more eloquent but it's so true and really stuck with me.

Thanks @Seahawk80. My sister's baby has just been born. It's a girl, like mine, which I was bracing myself for. Not really sure how I feel to be honest. Mostly numb and a bit in shock I think, despite the months of anticipation. Not sure what to do with myself now. Feels like a very strange day...doing work just feels a bit surreal!

Take care of yourself @GoingGently . My friend recently had a little girl and I know one of the babies I lost was a girl. She was really insensitive saying she really didn't want another boy. When she had a girl I was so angry, I felt like everyone else has a charmed life and the world is against me. I hope you are ok and please know that anything you feel is ok and normal xx

Thank you.... I actually just collapsed in a flood of tears...they didn't stay hidden for long! My mum told me she'd just spoken to my sis who was feeding her baby and that did it for me. Just felt devastatingly sad that I never got to feed my baby even though my milk came in. That this time last year I was busy delivering a daughter id never meet. Those physical cravings for her afterwards were so intense, and if I really acknowledge it they're still there. I'm happy for my sis and I'm not jealous of her baby, I'm just missing my own so very much ...it's very painful and I wish I could just feel joy for her

I am so sorry for your loss too

@GoingGently that's so tough. Does your mum know how much you are struggling? Could your partner speak to her and let her know the score? Explain how you are feeling in an almost objective way, to let them know it's not jealousy or resentment but a deep hurt that's no ones fault and ask that they be a little more considerate in what they are saying x

They do know I've been struggling, and I've had to keep reinforcing it a lot over the past 7 months, which has been hard. They didn't get it at first and thought I was being unreasonable and small hearted, but they've been great in recent weeks. They don't have any experience of baby loss though, so whilst they do try they have no idea just how sensitive some of the triggers are (and they're a bit unpredictable to me too in fairness!!). So sometimes they understand and are great, and other times they're a bit of a struggle. Just now on the phone mum was trying to get me to phone my sister 'because she's sitting there feeding' and I just said "no, I don't think I'll be doing that just now" and she was a bit frowny saying "well that's a real shame". Just had a call from my brother too, which I declined. He's the least sensitive person on the planet! To be honest I think I've made them understand as much as I can now, I don't think they'll shift any more than they have. I'm pretty proud of how well I've been doing really. I've managed to look at photos and engage with the whole thing and send nice messages to my sis saying how beautiful she is. A few weeks ago I couldn't imagine even acknowledging the baby. In so many ways it's a relief the pregnancy is over. I really appreciate your support through this....feel like I've been dominating the thread! x

So sorry you are going through this @GoingGently and I hope your family are more supportive. I sometimes think that because no one met our babies they don't really understand that we loved them and they should have been a person and a member of our families. I feel like everyone is lovely for a week or so and then just expect you to snap back to normal life, and it just isn't the case. Sending you lots of love x

Yes, that's exactly right. It's such an invisible loss. I did have a bump, but nobody saw me when I was pregnant because the entire thing happened in lockdown. It's almost as if people think it was all in your head!

I've changed my language now and started saying 'when I delivered' my baby instead of 'when I had my termination'. It feels much more accurate and less remote. Although I had a surgical termination (was given no choice), my body really did deliver her in that my milk came in, I had all the hormonal changes of a new mum. That was a very real physical experience and definitely not in my head so I'm claiming it and hope it will help people realise that there was a very real baby in there!

@goinggently it is so hard. I found I wanted so much to feel happy for my friend who gave birth, but found it impossible. I cannot even imagine having to emotionally tolerate it if it was my sister. You are doing so well.

I tend to use "when we lost DS2". And then if they ask I say "he found out he had very severe spina bifida and wasn't expected to survive, we had to let him go before he suffered" and then they mostly just accept that and take from it what they will.

@GoingGently the hormones are crazy after delivery. And not having the "reward" of a baby makes it awful. I really felt the effects of the hormones after both my TMFRs. I think people just can't understand the many layers of just how hard / horrible it is. Hope you are doing ok today and that you have some nice plans this weekend.

I am so so sorry you've had to go through this twice. I cannot imagine

I'm doing OK. I'm crying a lot, but the feelings are not the ugliest ones, thank god. Yesterday I was upset that I never got to look after my baby. Today I'm upset that there's one little girl and not two. They would have been 6 months apart and could have grown up good friends, but that will never be. The sadness I can just about bear, it's the rage I can't really cope with so I'm grateful that's not there at the moment.

I'm shopping for gifts online at the moment, which is nice and sad in equal measure. Thank you for your kind messages xx

Hey guys,

I've disappeared again for a few weeks as my anxiety was through the roof and I needed to try and step away from the whole thing...

We've had our dating scan last week and baby looked perfect and was very active (even gave us a thumbs up right at the beginning 😭). We finally got the results from the NIPT on Friday and it's come back highly unlikely for all tested trisomies 🙌🏻 such a big relief but by the evening I was overwhelmed with grief for our little boy, I think maybe because we never got to this stage of relief with him, we never got the negative NIPT results.... TTC and pregnancy after TFMR is just such a rollercoaster!

@NoCallerID so pleased everything is okay. Can totally relate to the anxiety, I found things got much easier after the 20 week scan, although I appreciate that's not much consolation just now. Will they bring your anomaly scan forward to 16 weeks?x