Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

@Kiki275 @Brooklily
Thank you both so much for your kind messages. I really appreciate you taking the time to write, and the generosity of your thoughts. These are such hard days, and it's bringing up all the hideous thoughts and emotions that I want not to have. Rage mostly, and just sheer devastation. Feel like I'm going crackers. At the moment I can't feel anything good towards the baby or DSis or BIL at all, but I think I'm unlikely to this side of the birth. Zero interest in being an auntie or having anything to do with it. Hopefully that will change. I just feel sorry for my DH having to live with me. He is completely fine, of course, other than worrying about me.

@GoingGently I feel for you so much. It's awful how this has taken the pleasure of becoming an auntie away from you.
The Worst Girl Gang Ever (I recommend this to everyone who has been through baby loss) cover these Ugly Feelings (as they call them) on their podcast. Everything you're feeling, however ugly, is normal and you are not alone.

Just thought I’d let you all know that the appointment went well for the post mortem results. They have said that it isn’t genetics and we don’t need to be referred for any further investigation. The professor was happy for us to TTC whenever we feel ready. X

@Brooklily yes I listen to that a lot and love it! It's one of the most helpful things I've found. It's so easy to feel like a terrible person when having these feelings. I'm sure some good ones are lurking under there somewhere but just completely eclipsed right now. Thanks again for your support and understanding. I'm so relieved to be in touch with other women with this experience. I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can really get it xx

@GoingGently

Hi ladies... does anyone have any tips on how to handle family pregnancies? My sister is due to give birth any minute and I'm in bits. It will be the first (living) baby in the family so uncharted territory for me anyway. I lost my little girl to TFMR just 11 months ago and it feels like too much to bear... just indescribably painful and so very much to take in. Any advice would be welcome x

Im so sorry you're going through this extra level of hurt. It feels so cruel to have to deal with that too. I am honestly not sure what I'd do. I had a "friend" in my WhatsApp mum group who gave birth the week before my due date. I had to leave it and completely mute her as I couldn't deal with it to be honest. But she was not great with emotional intelligence. For example, when I messaged the group at my anomaly scan to say baby was incredibly poorly, and that we were likely going to lose him, she messaged back to say that they'd had a traumatic morning too, as she'd had to go for a covid test. I couldn't really speak to her after that. So I think for me it probably depends on how sensitive and compassionate your sis is likely to be. Xx

@Hadd9

Just thought I’d let you all know that the appointment went well for the post mortem results. They have said that it isn’t genetics and we don’t need to be referred for any further investigation. The professor was happy for us to TTC whenever we feel ready. X

I'm so glad it went as well as it can have, and that you've been given the go ahead. How are feeling about the prospect of ttc? Xx

@Hadd9 that's good news! Will they still take extra care of you in future pregnancies?
The very best of luck with your TTC journey xx

@SemiFeralDalek that is so awful, I am so sorry you had to deal with that friend's reaction on top of your grief. I'm actually quite shocked by that. It's amazing how people's responses can really knock the stuffing out of you. A few weeks ago someone I know (who knows what we've been through) said 'oooh and you'll be having a little baby in a few weeks won't you! Will it be a little boy or a little girl? How exciting!!" I was just standing there thinking no, no I will not be having a little baby in a few weeks, that's my sister... She then went on to give the whole "oh, don't worry it'll happen for you, just stop thinking about it and it will happen..." I couldn't get away fast enough.
I'm just sort of gritting my teeth to get through it to be honest. Though it's got to the point that I'm a bit hesitant to put work meetings in the diary because I don't know when it will happen and I don't want to go to pieces. I have a big presentation this afternoon and I've asked for no news until after that!

@SemiFeralDalek we haven’t had any conversations regarding trying again. We’re just seeing how things go. I won’t be tracking anything, but still taking folic acid etc. So we’ll just see what happens and go with the flow.

First time in about 6 months I don’t feel tense. So I’m trying to enjoy it.

@Kiki275 I asked this question. They said the only things that may be different is that I will have the 12 week and 20 week scan at the earliest opportunity. Meaning 11 weeks and 18 weeks. I’d also have the opportunity of a NIPT test if it’s on the NHS by then. I’d still have the bloods and scans, but they’d probably give me more of a through scan. Whilst pregnant they couldn’t get the measurements from the back of the neck, so I believe if that happened again I’d have another apt to try again rather than waiting.

But if everything came back ‘normal’ then I’d have a normal midwifery care, unless I requested otherwise.

Has anyone requested to be consultant led?

Also ... got another BFN this morning. Is 12 DPO way too soon to tell, I wonder, or have I missed the boat this month?

@Hadd9 we keep cross posting, but very pleased for your good news with the genetics. That must be a relief!

@GoingGently it is, but also catch 22. We want to be happy, but then feel like we don’t want to be as we miss George terribly.

It must be terrible having someone so close pregnant, and also the feeling of being robbed of the usual exciting auntie to be feelings.

The day after my TFMR my partners mum said that we should after his sisters baby. Honestly, we nearly fell through the floor. Some people just do not understand the impact at all.

I actually found myself unfollowing/unfriending my pregnant friends. I just couldn’t bare to have it pushed in my face. I really feel for you at this time. More recently, I’ve been thinking ‘that’s their baby, I don’t want their baby, I want my baby’.. but we all think differently.

Xx

@Hadd9 I'm so glad your appointment was positive and you can go ahead with TTC. We didn't have a post mortem on our little Max, the cord and placenta were sent for testing but nothing came back so all we know if that he didn't have any of the main trisomys and that it's unlikely to be genetic as we have a living child. We are TTC again but we miss him so much. I have days where either just hits me like a tidal wave and I'm right back where I was 13 weeks ago. It's hard thinking about another child while still grieving the one we have lost.

@GoingGently you're not out until AF arrives! Good luck ❤

@Brooklily That’s positive. I feel the exact same. I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to TTC. So do I, especially when the apt was coming up it was like it happened yesterday. Then the next moment I’m fine.

@Hadd9 I know... the mind boggles. I really think this is one of the most traumatic things a human can go through, and we're somehow just supposed to get over it as if nothing happened. It's like societal gas lighting. The day of our termination my in laws said well at least the worst is over now and you can move on! In reality, things are in many ways so much harder now, a year on, than they were at the time but I'm not 'supposed' to feel like that.
I too don't want my sister's baby... it just feels like a living, breathing reminder that my baby's not here and that's what's so hard. That's it's here instead of my baby :(
I'm actually scared of getting pregnant again and being faced with everyone's happiness and excitement, when I feel like it's going to usher in a new flavour grief for me. I worry that they'll think oh everything's better now, and my loss will get brushed under the carpet even more, and it'll be even more unacceptable to grieve my lost daughter. So I understand your catch 22. The mixed feelings are really tricky xx

@GoingGently definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, hands down! But I don’t think anyone would ever be able to understand how we’re feeling or what we’re thinking, as they’ve not been there! That why sometimes I just come on here and read some comments, just to feel ‘normal’ with my feelings.
I also follow TFMR mamas on Instagram, that’s really helpful. They’re currently doing a surgery on women who have had TFMR and their experiences, as it’s so taboo.
Yep, thats exactly my feelings too! I’m dreading the due date too as a few people I know are due at the same time as well.
I’m dreading it as well. Already said I won’t be telling anyone until after the 20 weeks scan. Not sure how I’ll keep it a secret as I very sicky in my pregnancy. I’ll be a nervous wreck all of the time!
I understand all of your feeling xxx

Hi goinggently, I’m totally at the same stage of testing and still bfn. Fingers crossed we both don’t get AF. I’m literally going crazy symptom spotting even though I know with all three of my pregnancies I didn’t get Bfp until two days after being late with my period (first one ended in miscarriage) and third one was T21. I cannot stop myself from testing this time and every bfn makes it so much harder. I’ve literally cried every day this week.

@Hadd9 Thank you so much. Just having someone say they understand my feelings is so powerful, and such a contrast to 'out there'. It's so refreshing to be 'seen' and brought a tear to my eye when I read that, so thank you. It's easy to feel like you're going crazy xx

@NTScannegative another BFN for me this morning, AF due in 2 days. Feeling a bit nauseous and boobs feel a bit sore but pretty sure that's my imagination. I really don't believe I am pregnant this month. I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. This is the very first month we've ever really TTC by timing it (first pregnancy we were just NTNP for about a year and then pregnancy was almost a shock!). So although I've only been in this a few weeks I am bored and impatient already and even next month feels like a lifetime away. It's the not knowing if/when it'll happen isn't it? I'm an anxious person anyway so I'm going to have to learn to chill out a bit! I am so full of admiration for the way women just keep going through tragedy, disappointment and uncertainty to build their families. Women are amazing! I had a giant ovarian cyst removed a few years ago and I was worried about it twisting or rupturing whilst I was waiting for surgery. I remember my gynae saying "don't worry, ovaries are tough, and so are women!" I thought that was nice

@GoingGently yep, ttc after loss is probably the hardest because if it doesn’t happen right away (which it never has for me), it’s just that much longer before there’s a potential baby. I hate it. It took six years from the age of 30 - 36 before I got pregnant with my daughter. I am so anxious and don’t feel it’ll happen for me this month either but I just really really want it to. I’ll test again in two days if AF hasn’t come. Keep me posted on your status!

Oh I'm sorry, that's such a long time to be trying! That must be so tough. Got everything crossed for you!!

@NTScannegative I'm sorry you're getting bfns, it is soul destroying. Especially with what we've been through. Same to you @GoingGently it hurts and we don't deserve it.

I just had a phone call off the coroner's office to say about the baby's inquest. It's on zoom and would i like to attend etc. The lady on the phone is so kind but it's sent me absolutely spinning. It's so much sooner than I anticipated, and I know its been rushed through so I can have the "closure". My heads gone completely.

@Nking2021 hopefully linking you in here x

@SemiFeralDalek that sounds like a really big thing to have on the horizon. Do you have a counsellor to help support you through a tricky time?

[quote GoingGently]@SemiFeralDalek that sounds like a really big thing to have on the horizon. Do you have a counsellor to help support you through a tricky time? [/quote]
It's technically an open/shut box ticking exercise because we know exactly why he died. But because he was born breathing and lived for an hour and a half, it's a process they have to do in order to issue him with a death certificate. It did mean we were able to have a birth certificate for him but that was another trauma. I've just told DH and he cried. I've got some PTSD therapy coming in a couple of months, but I'm wondering if I should register with the MW so I can access the perinatal mental heath. Im only five weeks minutes pregnant, I was going to wait a bit longer just in case I started bleeding.

@SemiFeralDalek thank you 🙏

Hi all,

My hubby and I have been trying to conceive. Hubby is 40 and I’m 30. He smokes abt 4-5 times a day and has a stressful job. Even though we ve been ttc for a while we only got pregnant 3 times and no children yet: 2 chemical and 1 tfmr at 14 weeks due to monosomy X and HLHS. The second chemical is after tfmr.. we re waiting for our genetic results but that will take 2 months. I keep having a feeling that our egg and sperm combination isn’t good enough or having some chromosomal issue making the embryo unable to grow. I have ultrasound for fertility and everything looks fine. My hubby doesn’t want to do a sperm analysis.. Would stress and smoking cause DNA fragments which results in chromosomal issue in all our embryos? Am I overthinking things? I honestly hate seeing the positive line then losing it so quickly, but to carry for 14 weeks then finding out a list full of problems was even worse. I’m just so defeated and exhausted. We decide to try naturally until we get the results from karyotyping back.. but I’m just so stressed that next pregnancy would be another chemical and I dunno if I’m emotionally strong enough to face another loss