Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Antenatal tests

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Original poster

Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

721 replies

Alittlexmasmagic · 21/03/2021 06:56

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
17
Kiki275 · 20/05/2021 12:56

@AlexaTurnItDown my DSs MN group are the same, they were with me all through my TMFR. It's startling how much comfort a group of ladies I've never met can provide, yet people I've known all my life were silent xx

Alice40p · 20/05/2021 15:09

@NTScannegative all the very best, keeping everything crossed for you!

GoingGently · 20/05/2021 16:37

Hi @ntscannegative I'm new here this month too... just started ttc for the first time this month after TFMR last summer. Sounds like we're on the same schedule! I'm 6 DPO today and trying not to think about it too much, but yes it's scary! Not sure whether I'm more scared to get a neg or positive!

BabyPotato · 20/05/2021 16:47

Gosh, all the new messages! Cautious congratulations to @Brooklily and @AlexaTurnItDown. I hope all goes well for you both. It really sucks that we can't enjoy pregnancy because it's constantly overshadowed by anxiety, but it is what it is! We just have to take it one step at a time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both. And everyone else obviously! Flowers

Brooklily · 20/05/2021 16:53

@BabyPotato unfortunately it was a false positive/ident/evap line or something. There was nothing there the next morning. And then AF returned with a vengeance. Has anyone else found they are much heavier post TFMR? I'm having to take tranexamic acid and mifenamic acid just to leave the house 😪

Alice40p · 20/05/2021 17:12

@Brooklily sorry to hear it was a false positive! Yes, my periods changed a lot after TFMR, it started with spotting followed by really heavy bleeding! The consultant assured me that it is normal.

Alice40p · 20/05/2021 17:14

@BabyPotato very true, that! I was completely unaware of all this in my first pregnancy. This pregnancy is completely filled with anxiety and we haven’t told anyone yet!

BabyPotato · 20/05/2021 18:39

Ahh @Brooklily, sorry to hear that. I hope your body returns to normal soon! I've heard that lots of people have had issues with their periods for a while, but hopefully it won't take long. Take it easy. Brew

@Alice40p It's horrible, isn't it? My pregnancy after the TFMR was constant worry. The fact that the 12-week screening came back as high risk too didn't help! I ended up having amnio again, but luckily all was well, and actually knowing that the amnio was clear did help whenever I felt anxious. But boy was I jealous of my friends who had straightforward pregnancies. Envy

Brooklily · 20/05/2021 18:53

@Alice40p That's exactly how mine are. 2/3 days of spotting and then the flood gates open. I had a gynaecologist appointment a few days ago and he said the same, that it was normal. It doesn't help my state of mind though 😕 and I'm hoping the meds don't effect TTC. It's a minefield.

GoingGently · 21/05/2021 13:45

My periods have changed too. The first 3 after my TFMR were absolute monsters. I'm not squeamish but even I was pretty horrified by the extent of them. What's also been pronounced has been the extreme hormonal shifts throughout my cycle. I don't know if this is just getting older (I'm 38) but when I was younger I never got major mood swings and now they are just so intense. I've actually become a bit afraid of ovulation because of the massive mood crash I get afterwards (nothing to do with TTC). It feels like a really physical experience and I have quite extreme hormone related moods. Feel like I've been body snatched!

AlexaTurnItDown · 21/05/2021 14:01

[quote Brooklily]@BabyPotato unfortunately it was a false positive/ident/evap line or something. There was nothing there the next morning. And then AF returned with a vengeance. Has anyone else found they are much heavier post TFMR? I'm having to take tranexamic acid and mifenamic acid just to leave the house 😪[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear that @brooklily. I have found mine have been absolute ragers since my TFMR. I was always fairly heavy but its been ridiculous!

AlexaTurnItDown · 21/05/2021 14:05

[quote Kiki275]@AlexaTurnItDown my DSs MN group are the same, they were with me all through my TMFR. It's startling how much comfort a group of ladies I've never met can provide, yet people I've known all my life were silent xx[/quote]
It's mad isn't it? One of my long time, old friends (we live far apart and I hadn't really spoken to her with covid) decided that two days after my TFMR baby was born was the correct time to tell me that she was 28 weeks pregnant, and that she'd be asking me for parenting advice. I was gobsmacked

BabyPotato · 21/05/2021 17:49

@AlexaTurnItDown Grr that's awful. People don't think do they? I was off work for ages after my TFMR, and everyone knew that it was because I had lost my baby. It was quite a tight knit organisation so everyone knew everyone's business which was kind of nice. However on my first day back two of my colleagues came to tell me that they had recently had their 20-week scans (we always had at least 3-6 women pregnant at the same time Grin) and talked about how well they went and what names they were thinking for their babies etc. I was just standing there like Confused and promptly ran to the toilets to have a cry. One of the colleagues was actually someone who worked for me and was more than aware of the situation, so lord knows what went through her head.

People don't know how to react to these things though so it's not always malicious I guess.

NTScannegative · 21/05/2021 18:05

It’s amazing how insensitive people can be. The day after I placed my son my brothers girlfriend texted me a pic of her positive pregnancy test and made sure to tell me that she was going to ensure she got all the tests I wasn’t offered. I literally was heartbroken but all I could do was congratulate her.

Kiki275 · 21/05/2021 18:17

@NTScannegative @AlexaTurnItDown that's horrendously insensitive!! I realise people want to be excited about their news but I'm sure the word tact has been obliterated from most peoples diaries.
@BabyPotato similarly in your situation, I imagine they were unable to hide it at that point and didn't want to deliberately exclude you... but discussing scans & names. That would hurt xx

Hadd9 · 22/05/2021 13:32

No Hi,

4th March my little George was born. He had Patau syndrome and we decided on a post mortem. I’ve been waiting ages for the appointment.

Finally, it’s arrived. I’m having a telephone appointment on Tuesday. On the letter it says we’ll discuss the post mortem results, any questions and to plan any further pregnancy.

What does the ‘plan any further pregancy’’ part mean? Am I overthinking it?

Also, I have some questions I want to ask. But what questions did you ask your consultant/professor?

I feel like I can’t rest, all of the anxiety has come gushing back!

SemiFeralDalek · 22/05/2021 13:52

@Hadd9

No Hi,

4th March my little George was born. He had Patau syndrome and we decided on a post mortem. I’ve been waiting ages for the appointment.

Finally, it’s arrived. I’m having a telephone appointment on Tuesday. On the letter it says we’ll discuss the post mortem results, any questions and to plan any further pregnancy.

What does the ‘plan any further pregancy’’ part mean? Am I overthinking it?

Also, I have some questions I want to ask. But what questions did you ask your consultant/professor?

I feel like I can’t rest, all of the anxiety has come gushing back!

I'm not 100% on patau syndrome but when we lost DS2 with spina bifida there was a brief discussion about "planning for future pregnancies". It basically involved being prescribed 5mg of folic acid for at least 1-3 mo ths prior to TTC. And then just basic info about what would happen if/when I did fall pregnant again. That was mainly just that I would be monitored by fetal medicine and have an earlier anomaly scan.

I hope your meeting brings you some comfort and you manage to get through the next few days xx

Hadd9 · 22/05/2021 14:05

Thank you so much @SemiFeralDalek for your quick reply. That makes a lot of sense. It’s probably just the generic letter, but I just started over thinking. Thank you 💙

Alice40p · 22/05/2021 15:15

@Hadd9 We received a generic letter like that too. It is mainly to go over the results and the plan for future pregnancy is just extra scans with FMU and she also suggested CVS or NIPT rather than the combined screening. Our DS had Edward’s but it was complete and not mosaic so she didn’t think it was genetical. She did say she can refer us to genetics consultant if we wished though.

SemiFeralDalek · 22/05/2021 15:28

I should have said, it's alexaPlayWhiteNoise/AlexaTurnItDown I keep swapping and name changing because I've been on the conception /pregnancy boards and don't tend to be specific about our loss over there so I don't freak new mums out.

Hadd9 · 22/05/2021 18:14

Thank you @Alice40p, I’m hoping it will be complete too

Alice40p · 22/05/2021 22:25

@Hadd9 Hope the appointment gives you some kind of closure!

GoingGently · 24/05/2021 12:50

Hi ladies... does anyone have any tips on how to handle family pregnancies? My sister is due to give birth any minute and I'm in bits. It will be the first (living) baby in the family so uncharted territory for me anyway. I lost my little girl to TFMR just 11 months ago and it feels like too much to bear... just indescribably painful and so very much to take in. Any advice would be welcome x

Kiki275 · 24/05/2021 13:38

@GoingGently oh you poor thing! No personal experience as my tmfr was a 2nd pregnancy and all friends are on their 2nd, 3rd etc.
It hurts! It hurts so much and we feel guilty for feeling jealous, just layering on further negative emotions. If you've been offered counselling, I'd take up the offer now and/or request some through your consultant or bereavement MW.
Personally, whilst I miss my boys & frequently get upset over loosing them, I try to look at having them initially as a blessing and that loosing them in some ways had many silver linings. Less, I wish they were still here and more, I'm glad we said goodbye when we did. Reaffirm in my own mind that I made the right decision and that it wasn't meant to be. Other people's babies are meant to be.
You're meant to be an amazing aunt and your new niece/nephew is meant to be the most amazing cousin for when the time is right.
Have you spoken to your sister? That would be in my mind a good step. Let her know you are hurting and how much contact you do/don't want. Then she knows how much to include you in so that you're neither overwhelmed nor feeling left out xx

Brooklily · 24/05/2021 18:54

@GoingGently about 4 weeks after we lost our little boy a friend gave birth. I found it very difficult and didn't really want to talk about babies or see her and she was very understanding without me even having to talk to her.
It's now three months since and I still find pregnancy announcements very difficult but I don't find birth announcements as hard. I want my baby or I want to be pregnant with my baby. I don't want someone else's baby.
I totally get that there is a whole other level to this in that your sisters baby will be the first living baby in your family. Hopefully you will find it easier when baby is here and will be able to separate your experience from your experience of being an auntie. Talk to your sister so she understands how you are feeling. But also recognise that your feeling are totally normal and don't feel bad about the way you feel.
Sending so much love and strength xxx